I dont know what to do, help

[dptylaw]

Hi, I'm posting this because I want some opinions from others that are not my relatives. An outside looking in point of view I guess. My husband and I have been having a great sex life for the last few months, our sex life was never bad its just gotten better, and I thought it was bringing us closer. His mother passed away at the beginning of May and it has been tough on all of us (I should mention he is 30 and I'm 29). We get along, no problems there, and with the circumstances I have been going above and beyond my duties as a wife by not only taking care of our household (which is lacking) and his father's household. I dont mind helping and pulling my weight and this isnt the issue I want opinions on. This morning I came home from work (I work midnights) and I thought I'm gonna surprise him in bed ( a little morning nookie) which Ive done a lot in the past with no complaints from his side. This morning although his member seemed ready my husband pushed me off of him and said "I cant have sex with you because everytime we have sex God punishes me". I was so taken back by it, it immediately felt like a knife had gone through my heart. I asked him why he felt that way and he couldnt say anything, all he would say was that everytime he would masturbate even when he was younger or if we do something sexual God punishes him in some way. I began to cry, I was so hurt by it I didnt know what to think. After fighting about it for about an hour he left to help his dad but came back that evening. I was still upset (and according to my Aunt that I confide in, she said it was wrong of him to say and that it was uncalled for and cruel). He did say he was sorry but when he would hug me and say sorry he would try to grab my chest at the same time like as a joke or something. I dont know whether hes being sincere or not. He started saying how he didnt think I would take it the way I did, he didnt mean it, it came out wrong. I told him that God doesnt punish people for being intimate with their spouses. I kept asking him why he said it then and all he could say was he didnt know. I'm having a hard time dealing with all the feelings pumping through my veins. I feel ashamed, worthless and a little stupid if I just let this go. I'm finding it hard to even think about being intimate with him again for a while. So many thoughts are going through my head like is there someone else, why would he say such a thing if he loves me, is there something wrong with me etc. I just dont know what to do. A friend of mine said I have to find out the reason for him saying it, he just wont come clean though. It really hurt, and I'm not even mad just hurt.

[Judy246]

Ok, first of all, I consider myself a strong Christian as many people in this website know ...I will stand up for God big time!!, but I'm not religious fanatic, just strong faith in my God, but it your husband and this is not normal behavior to say God will punish him. He is going thru some guilt trip of some kind. First, his mother just died. There are no words to describe experiencing the loss of a mother, just read my profile and look at my pictures. The experience of death of any member is hugh a traumatic experience that can stay with you for quite some time.

My mother died in my arms and that is the reason I was came to this website. I had 7 death's within a 6 month period, including my sister inlaw lossing a baby 2 weeks before Christmas, loss my job and my beloved dog died too. I have looked at death in the eyes, while it took my mother from my arms, so please support him, be there and just listen to him.  He is going to expess emotions that you have never seen, but this is the normal grief process necessary to heal.  Lovemaking was the last thing on my mind, so, it's not you, he is going thru a life changing event. Some people just blame God for everything that goes wrong in there life, example: "Why did God permit this to happen to me", "I no longer believe in God for doing this to me", etc...you get the picture.

I don't know his religious denominations, but masterbation (masturbation), etc. is considered a sexual sin and he seems to be experiencing guilt and fear of punishment, in other words, "what have I done wrone to deserve what is happening to me." type of mentality. You are married and your intimacy or shall I say marriage union in the eyes of God is blessed, so tell him that. It's ok to do whatever you both want!!

Right now during the loss of his mother is not about you and you will need to put your emotions aside, because he will need you for what is to come. In order for him to heal, he will have to experience the grief process, which will be very difficult. To be honest, it's living hell, so just let him be. Listen, talk, be a shoulder for what is to come and do not take it personally. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and do not hold a grudge against him, because he is grieving the death of his mom. Recommend the grief forum here. Intimacy will come naturally, so don't push him right now. It will happen, but a lot is going on in his mind and has a long journey ahead. I know, I've been there. Good luck.

[teko]

I have no clue! I can certainly understand why you would be feeling hurt, thats for sure. I would convey to him tho how it made you feel and that this is not a laughing matter and you cannot just say and do something like that then walk away and joke like nothing ever happened. Maybe he was having a bad dream at the time?

[vmvnpv]

It sounds to me like he's going through depression and grieving.  He's still young so I'm sure his mom wasn't that old.  Was he close to her?  People say and do things they don't mean when they are depressed and grieving.  When he said he doesn't know why he said what he did there's a good chance that he doesn't.  He's trying to figure out how to move on in his life without his mom and that's a hard thing to do.  Just be supportive and let him know that you are there for him.  It might not be a bad idea for him to talk to someone to help him deal with his loss.  Just keep doing what you're doing because I'm sure he didn't mean anything against you.  If anything he's probably mad at God for taking his mom when he may still "need" her and he feels like God is punishing him.  He's just not being rational, which is completely understandable.  Good luck.

[dptylaw]

Hi everyone, sorry it has been a while. I have spoken with a friend of mine that is a counselor to get some feedback over all this. I have decided that not only myself but him as well should speak with someone over this so that our marriage can heal and steps to move on can be taken. He has given me a lot of excuses as to why he said what he said. The excuses are always changing, his latest is that its just one of his supersitions, I asked him why then is the first time I have ever heard of this supersition and we've been together for over 7 years. I'm to the point that I feel that having us both talk to someone about this will get us past it. I think my body is just so tired of wondering and examining and thinking about it all. I have an anxiety problem to begin with and moving past this is something I know I need to do, but understanding why and reasonings for it will be what helps me through it. My counselor friend said speaking with someone will be of big benefit to my husband, because if he is relating his mothers passing with our intimate relationship that is cause for major concern and that he shouldnt be mixing the two, after all our relationship should be a comfort to him, it should make us closer, and shouldnt be seen as something bad. Ive been trying to work up the courage to confront our church priest about this, I know he will help and if he cant he'll know someone who can. Im just ashamed I guess, and even though I shouldnt I'm blaming myself over it all (I know its wrong but it is something women do very well). And just to add because of someone's earlier response to my problem, I am grieving as well, I was extremely close to my mother in law, I dont want my concern over what my husband said to come across as me not caring, or being insensitive to what happened because it wasnt, it was insensitive for my husband to say what he said and now our relationship is hurting from it, and right now our relationship should be close and we should be leaning on each other during this terrible time, I have continued to be there for my husband, I am going above and beyond a wife's duties during this terrible time but even taking care of 2 households when others in the family have told me not to. This is a serious thing my husband said, it has hurt not only feelings but our relationship and him and I speaking with someone over it is the only way I can see us being able to move forward. Because no matter what has happened what he said is something you should never say to someone you love, and that person deserves to know where it could of come from.
Thank you everyone for lending a virtual ear, it means a lot