I dont know what to do...

[Dixon09]

Hi, i really dont know if i've put this in the right place, if not im sorry! Its also kinda long winded so again, sorry!

I've been seeing my current boyfriend for about 6 months now, not a huge period of time i know, but i do love him. He's a good guy. The problem is sunday night, i saw him take a porn DVD out of the player, now i know he watches porn when im not there if he feels like it, im not thrilled about it but i know most guys do, so i can accept it. The thing that bothered me was the kind of stuff it was, he went into detail about the stuff he likes to see and it included basically more than one guy having sex with one woman, her giving blowjobs, having anal sex with all of them, then the man/men ejaculating on her face or mouth, he said he especially likes the last bit. To me that is just humiliating for the woman but i know its pretty much standard porn that most guys watch. I was still upset at the thought of the man i love being turned on by what i think is pure humiliation, but i could just about accept it because i know he's not alone. However the absolute final straw was when i asked him if he would ever treat me the same way the guys in those films treat the women, ie- rough, anal, ejaculate on the face, etc- he said "well yeh, it turns me on, so if you let me, i would."

I really dont know what to make of this, i love him and as far as i can see he loves me too. How is that any way to treat the woman you're supposed to be in love with??? Like some porn star? I thought i was just being a prude so i ran it past a few male friends and even they were shocked and admitted while they didnt mind watching stuff like that, they would never dream of treating their girlfriends the same way because they love and respect them and wouldnt treat them like objects.

I understand sex is a personal thing and different for everyone but im just so confused. When i told him i was upset, he told me i live in a fantasy world, and that this is just normal sex that most normal guys like, and i'd never find a guy who doesnt enjoy doing stuff like that. He also couldnt accept that it was in any way humiliating or degrading for the woman because "they like it" according to him. I know he would never try anything i didnt want but still, the knowledge that he'd treat me that way if he could get away with it makes me really sad.

The other thing is, he wants sex all the time. He admitted he masturbates around 3 times a day and every time we see each other, which is almost daily, he wants to have sex. If i dont feel like it and refuse him he goes in a mood and makes me feel guilty for "rejecting him". I know guys have a higher sex drive than women anyway but come on, is this normal?

We actually broke up very briefly, for like a night, i told him it was done then spent the whole night crying and went back to make it up with him. The thought of being with him is making me feel terrible, im disgusted by him, i can barely look at him. But the thought of not being with him makes me feel even worse.

I really dont know what im going to do, i thought id found a really nice, caring, loving guy but now it seems he's just some kind of twisted pervert. Or am i over reacting?

[amayi]

I recently found out about my boyfriend and porn and it crushed me...i had no way of knowing how to react. He tells me he loves me..and i told him if he really loves me and wants to spend forever with me, then he has to quit.  He told me he's going to, but i kind of feel the trust is slipping :(...i think that's the worst part about it all

[Meral]

i dont think he is a serious  guy at all....and be sure that time will show everything,just protect yourself from being emotionally hurt from anything...good luck

[peaceinknowing]

Men who watch porn is nothing less than normal. A lot of guys watch and enjoy things like that mostly, because they're not apt to doing these things with the women they're with at the time in a relationship. Just sit down with him and tell him the way that you feel about it without judging him, or coming off as though you're judging him.

[KATE535]

Then you're dealing with someone stubborn, who will always excuse himself and his actions, and has no room for anyone else's advice or opinions. Is that really the sort of person you can see yourself having a future with? Realtionships are about compromise and negotiations, he needs to accept his side of that which is: your feelings, your views about important issues that affect your realtionship. He is very immature if he bases everything on a so-called male stereotype that 'all men love porn so deal with it'. it's not even true. My partner doesn't love it or like it - he doesn't watch it or choose to. There are men out there who believe it is degrading, dirty, disgusting. Not all men are perverts. He's deluded... and trying to convince you he is in the right too.

[Dixon09]

I've told him he wants it way more than i do and that i dont think its normal, his reply is always "i'm a guy, we're all like that".

If i told him i thought he has a problem he would ust argue and we'd end up fighting.

[KATE535]

Sounds too much to me, but hey, I'm not a man. Women are hardly porn addicts typically. I think you need to tell him he has a problem, may be he has a string of them, and other people would think he has too. He sounds obsessed with sex. Have you talked to eachother about these issues?

[Dixon09]

I dno exactly how many times a day he watches it but he's told me he masturbates about 2-3 times a day on average, so im guessing he watches it while he's doing that, so 2 or 3 times a day?

[KATE535]

There is one positive you can draw from this - your guy is obviously very attracted to you if he wants sex with you everyday. I can be moody to my partner in the face of 'rejection' because for some people it can make you feel unattractive and unappealing, even when it is not the case. It can take some real convincing that your partner is attracted to you when you feel constantly knocked back, which would explain him being moody after. However, expecting it everyday is quite over-the-top and he sounds like he has a distorted idea about women and sex, I think he has sex on the brain all the time. The porn is not helping to free his mind of it. How often do you think he watches it?, if it is all his spare time consists of I think he has a problem, and it is unhealthy for your realtionship for him to be so interested in it.

It would be a good thing if you could get him to cut down on it, tell him it is upsetting you, get him interested in other things, otherwise the situation is not likely to improve, and you will continue to have this niggle about him. It could get to the point of spoiling your relationship completely. If he wants to change then that's good, changing to protect your feelings suggests he's serious about you, but if he wont he might not be one for the keeping I'm afraid.

[Vance2335]

This is a tough one because while some women are willing to try many things sexually, some find things like that humilitating. I think porn has given guys (I'm a guy) a false idea of what women really like. My wife and I have tried anal...she didn't like it so we never did it again. The ejaculation on the face is something my wife would never do and even if she said it was ok I don't think I could do it unless she really, really wanted to try it and I don't know any women who would say ejaculate on my face without the bf or husband talking about it first.

being a guy I want sex everyday, but if my wife turns me down then I don't get into a mood and it sounds like he is a little immature. But this is something you have to figure out for yourself and talk to him about. You have to make it clear that you find those acts disgusting and do not want to do them so he never asks you about it. But also need to let him know that you are more then just someone to have sex with and you don't want sex every time you see him.