For years I have had the feeling that I was sexually abused as a child. I cannot recall anything happening to me during my childhood, but the feeling has stuck with me for years.
The first time I was penetrated, I think I was 15, but it's like I didn't feel anything. I did not bleed, I cannot recall feeling any pain. As far as I can remember, this guy didn't have a problem penetrating me (a much older guy than I was).
For years I have tried to make sense of what happened that day. I cannot remember things that occur during my early childhood (I guess most of us canont).
I have become very promiscious and always seem to want sex....
What a person remembers about their own sexual abuse experience can vary a lot, especially by adulthood. Some people remember vividly what they went through. Some people even dream about it. For other people, their mind may block the memories because they are simply too painful to recall. I was a victim of child sexual abuse, and to this day though I am 99% sure of exactly what happened, there are parts where my mind gets hazy and I'm not sure if I really understood everything that happened.
Unfortunately, if it was never reported, there may be no records that this happened (except in your mind). Go through old photo albums and diaries (if you wrote any). Talk to old friends and family members you feel you can trust (maybe something did happen, but you were very young at the time, so your parents sheltered you from it). Read up on the nature of sexual abuse memories and the profiles of sexual abusers so you know what signs to look for.
If you really feel this happened, follow it up. A event like child sexual abuse can drive the majority of your behavior as an adult (e.g. fear of intimacy = no lasting relationships, promiscuity = wanting to seize sexual power back, etc.). It can control you on a completely subconscious level that you're not even aware of. The best thing you can do is follow your instincts on this and be ready for any ugly truth you may receive. Do you have any specific or hazy memories that give you bad gut feelings?
i too was aslo sexually abused... not so much as a child... i was 15, i do want to say it caused major promiscuios behavior on my part... alot of people didnt understand because they were always told after abuse you shouldnt want sex anymore.... you shouldnt this or that... but after that happened i just didnt really care about myself or consequences.... i also did not bleed the first time i had sex... i often wonder if i was also mullested as a child.... if i was i wouldnt remember by a pic or anything like that, because i fell that if i was that nobody in my family knew about it... my mom was a hot *** men in and out her house, i guess thats why my dad took me away from her. in my unprofessional opinon i believe something may have happened to you a child.
It can very much explain why you are who you are or what you do today. I think there are ways to get the memories out there, maybe therapy can help you figure it out. There are certain memories you distance from yourself because you dont want to believe its happened to you. There's a reason you feel this way.
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