I am 23 years old and married but I feel as if there is something wrong with me. I have always thrived for a relashionship emotionally and sexually but everytime I am in a relashionship I grow to being annoyed then hating the person. It's as if everything they do drives me nuts! I lose all sex drive and don't even want to be touched by them it's like kissing or hugging them is a big issue. I am now married and I have a one month old but my marraige is falling apart, my husband is still in love with me but I am not in love with him and again everything he does annoys me even kissing and hugging him makes me mad because I don't want to be touched or have anything do to with him. I figured after the baby came it would be different but I know now it's not my hormones. He has cheated on me over the Internet and I stuck by him but now everyday I go nuts because I'm so annoyed by him. I care for him and see him as a friend but anything romantically is gone. I feel like I'm not normal or something's wrong with me because I have been pushing my partners away since I started dating. Please is someone could give me advise.
Well, see a therapist. I was going to say, this happens a lot right after babies come, mommy is tired of being fussed at and tugged on and sucked on and chomped on, and daddy coming along and doing it too becomes simply outside of enough! But your last sentence says you are always this way in relationships; that is is not just because you're home with a newborn. That is enough to go see a counselor about. Unless, of course, you want to never have a long-term relationship with a man in your life.
I agree with Anniebrooke. I know after my kids were born (one right after the other), I had not much left over for my husband. It was a rough patch for us. As the kids got a bit older and needed me less, I was able to connect more with him as a woman (rather than a mom who had food on her clothes, was tired, and never had a moment to feel sexy at all!).
And absolutely hormones come into play after a baby.
But you talk like this is your pattern. And the pattern is something then that is more serious. Since you've now had a child with this man, I agree that I'd find a therapist. Do you have close friends? How was your parents marriage? Anything happen to you as a kid? Things play a role in putting up walls. You need to find out why you do.
I was completely in love with him before we moved to Texas, now living here I have no friends or family here and it's been that way for over a year. I'm always wanting to make him happy but inside I feel empty, I feel as if I love my son and hate my husband. Growing up was hard I took care of my parents instead of e other way around. My father died a couple years ago and I feel as if I never had a normal childhood. He completely adore me and wants us to work. On ther hand he is the complete opposite we see nothing alike. He thinks a women should be a housewife or should I say maid. Now I find myself asking am I just comfertable being with him am I scared to be a single mother. There have been other things that have come into play into this relashionship. Him cheating and when I first moved to Texas everything was about his ex. Not long after he proposed I found out I was pregnant and all throughout pregnancy I have felt like I have hated him. We got married and I thought it would be the best thing due to us having a child together but now I feel like a made a huge mistake.
I think the move has alot to do with this and the loss of your father aswell,you have been through so much and you have a baby to care for aswell.You said he cheated on you,i don't think that helped the relationship.If there are some support groups where you live perhaps you can call them and see if they can help.All the best.
If you felt he was a guy who would fill the gaps that were left when your parents didn't take care of you, it's not entirely surprising that you would pick someone who is kind of an absolutist about roles. Unfortunately, you can't mend holes in your heart left by an upbringing that had flaws by trying to patch them with someone else. You have to heal those from the inside. I'm sorry you dislike him so much, but wonder if it is some kind of transferral of the pain of your childhood being projected onto your relationship. it sounds like he wants to make it work. In your shoes, I would give it a try, by talking plainly to the therapist, working on stuff left over from your parents who didn't ever step up and take care of you, and then looking clear-eyed at your husband to see if there is something there to save. It doesn't sound like he is the problem, but it does sound like you were never the most logical match except that your needs liked his style.
I 100% agree with them above. But one thing sticks out a bit and I could be wrong..Maybe it is the way you feel about yourself. If you could go to work or do some social things or hobbies any thing that can make YOU and only YOU happy about YOU.
Marriage is not just a adventure but it is a hard ash Job and it does takes two to make it. We do not necessarily have to be just a like or like the same things either. When we are young we tend to think that the grass will be greener on the other side. I went through MANY relationship and lived with a few guys before I got married. I had that single attitude that I could do what ever I wanted to. Well if you want Respect you have to show Respect. Maybe this does go deep down further but sometimes you just have to see the good and open up a bit more. BUT if you are not happy and not in love with this man then you should give both You and Him a chance to really be loved. I wish you the best.
Some insightful posts. Anniebrooke and Vic really hit on some things. Now, I'm a stay at home mom which is really different than a maid. But I tell ya, I do the bulk of the housework and take care of our children. It's the trade off. I don't have the financial pressure that my husband does so it's a good trade as far as I'm concerned. But I do remember when my kids were tiny . . . every day felt like I had a million things to do and not one second to myself. You sort of lose yourself. I had the blessing of a husband that was understanding. If he came home to the house a mess and hamburgers for dinner . . . he would say "looks you and the kids had a fun day. great!". He never put pressure on me to do anything a certain way around the house and at times . . . he'd come home to a mess. I'd get it picked up but often at night after kids were in bed (I have two that are 15 months apart). So, when you say he is old fashioned, that can be okay as long as he and you are flexible.
I did ---- every week=== have time though in which my husband watched the kids and I'd leave the house or he'd leave the house with the kids. ME time. Two to six hours at a time on a Saturday or Sunday. Glorious me time. I would consider if asking for more of this from your man would help you feel better about things?? I also had something called a 'mother's helper' a couple of times a week. This is a young person maybe 11 years old or around there that lives close to you and they come over while you are home for an hour to 2 hours and play with your child. YOu can then go and do things you need to do--- laundry, cleaning, RESTING, RELAXING. Since you are home, you pay them just 2 to 3 dollars. cheap and gives you a bit of a break from kid care.
Do you have dates with your husband? I know you have feelings of not liking him (hate?) right now but what if you got a sitter and went out for fun. And in YOUR head you said I am going to be light and happy tonight? Then just go and have fun. Reconnecting is important.
If you can get to a therapist, that would be WONDERFUL. I think some of the issues from whatever was going on with your parents is definitely playing a role. If you felt like you were caring for them and now you feel hyper responsible to be the 'maid' at home, it is going to ring a familiar, unwelcome bell. I would explore with a professional how this might be impacting all of your adult relationships.
Lastly, I would get out and meet other moms. Now that you have a little one, it is much easier than you think. MOPS is a great organization. It's run through churches around the country but you don't have to be religious to attend. It's Mothers Of Preschoolers. So, all the women who join have kids too. Childcare is usually provided and you meet monthly and sit and talk, have speakers, have food, etc. Often they begin a play group from that and I met one of my best friends by joining MOPS. My sister in law had that same experience and she is the one who suggested it to me. So, google for your area to see where the closest MOPS group is. It's starting in September as a new year of activities so you are at the perfect time. You can join a gym or a YWCA/YMCA (which has fees to join on a sliding scale if money is an issue). Here you can go and do an exercise class in the morning, put your child in the child care and I promise, if you do that for a bit, you will start talking to the other ladies in the class . . . which are usually other moms. Be friendly and open to others that have little ones that you meet. Once I had kids, it was a common bond with all other moms out there.
I do wish you luck. I think you should just try to see if you can move pat this. All relationships have an eb and flow, peaks and valleys. You could reach another peak given some effort and time. peace
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