I feel broken inside, is there anyone that can give me some advice

[Mhoody]

I had my son when I 20 yrs old, his dad, my spouse, died in a car accident in 2001. I met another man after some time and we had 2 children together, we separated in 2010. He was physically abusive and I wasn't perfect either, I would complain about things not getting done, housework etc, him going out partying, we just didn't last...I have been a single parent since 2010 and have worked hard for them. My eldest son and I started not getting along when he was 11 or 12. He was disrespectful to me and our relationship wasn't that great and hasn't been since. I wasn't a perfect parent and have made mistakes, from 2012 to May 2017, I also drank more than I should of. It didn't effect my work, but now looking back I realize that I should of did better for him, be there for him more. Since high school he has a problem with his attendance, and he also had some problems with bullys.
I have always wanted the best for him and would get upset when he would miss school, or not help enough around the house.
He is now 17 and absolutely hates me, he says I was a bad mom and was never there for him, he says do many hurtful things and I feel broken over this. I recently in Oct 2016 met a man and we have been in a relationship since then. He is now currently moving in and going to be moved in by the end of August.
We had quite a surprise in June and we found out we were expecting a child. We look at it as a blessing, I'm 38,hes 47 and we are excited for this new chapter. He is great to my kids, he's not perfect but he's a good hard working, loving man. I came home from work in June and my son skipped school again, it's his grad yr and I wanted him to suceed. The last fight we had over schooling he freaked out because I was giving him a lecture, and he took a baseball bat to my walls. He has been in the ladt year calling me names, saying mean things. I told him if this behavior continues he would have to stay with his uncle or grandpa because it was a horrible energy in the house and the younger 2 were so upset over the fighting.
So back to June, I came home and he was playing on his ps4, missed school, said there was no point in going because he wasn't going to grad anyway. I told him fine then go out and get some work. He said I'll just leave and he did. He doesn't like my new boyfriend either and Now he's saying I have to choose between my partner and my son. He says if my partner is here he's not coming home, and he can't believe I have chosen to live this way and he hopes I'm happy. He says I've wrecked everything and that I've been a terrible parent to him.
I love him and I don't know what to follow.. I feel broken, is there someone out there that can give me some advice, do I tell my boyfriend he can't move in, do I bring my son back knowing the fighting may start again. He says I'm chosing my bf over him.. What do I do. He is now living with his aunt and uncle

[Nighthawk61]

I think that it should be a priority that you and your son attend therapy together. especially with the new baby coming, i think it is of paramount importance, that he needs to know that you are aware and accountable for the things that you did that he suffered from and how sorry you are. I think until you have a therapist that will help you and your son to heal your relationship, whether your son lives with you or not, you should put off having the new man move in. Let him see that you have put into the works the therapy that will help you and he have a strong relationship. Make him feel very special with dinners in his honour prior to focusing all your attention on the new baby and new man. Yes, your son is an at risk child, and things could go terribly wrong in his life if he and you are not able to deal with the past in a way that will allow him healthy closure from the past. If you do this, prior to the new baby you'll not regret not doing everything you can for your son. Keep posting, We're here to help.  

[specialmom]

That's great advice nighthawk!

[Nighthawk61]

Thank you specialmom, it means a lot to me :)  i was an at risk youth, whose mother refused to be part of the family program when I "hit my bottom".  My mother's refusal to understand why and how things went wrong from a nasty childhod, and instead choosing to blame me for being "bad" totally messed me up from finding my way home to my own child for many years. . A mother being accountable for their own actions is no sin, it is a blessing. The biggest sin is a parent in denial pointing a finger at a child  for being in denial. I wish the poster reunion and understanding with all my heart and soul, it will take work. We're always mom's and they're always our kids, no matter what age. Thanks again.  

[Nighthawk61]

Leave no man behind.

[Nighthawk61]

As the old Chinese Proverb says, "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime"  A Mother's Nature IS the ideal healer. If it serves to put the adult child at ease and not on the defensive by taking the blame as a parent for any adverse personality traits of the adult child , why not ? it' s cheap at the price to teach a child true diplomacy.

[Nighthawk61]

If an adult child has always seen a parent void of self discovery they are in fact being taught sociopathic behavior -  " According to MedlinePlus, a service of the U.S. National Library of Medicine, a sociopath, otherwise known as someone with antisocial personality disorder (ASPD), displays long-term problems with behaviors---often criminal in nature---that "manipulate, exploit or violate the rights of others." The cause of this disorder is unknown; however, genetics and environmental factors influence its development."

[Nighthawk61]

The reason i'm bringing this up to this poster with regards to her son is this - her focus on alcohol during the growing stages of a child's life can seemingly exhibit anti social behavior - and i will emphatically add that I am a gratefully recovering addict myself ,with a son,  so i know -

[Nighthawk61]

when you're dealing with degrees of condition of addiction of a parent (cause) and degrees of effect on an adult child it serves us to focus primarily on the younger of the two, as the older will come to rehabilitation first and must teach from the benefit of that higher perspective : that is mentoring at work int he average home

[specialmom]

I'm really sorry. As a mom, that is so hard to read.  First, let me say that we are all trying to do the best we can and we all mess up.  You acknowledge your mess ups.  However,  you have to be very careful about repeating mistakes.  Shouldn't be a surprise that you are pregnant as protection is a good way to prevent that.  :>)  I'm glad you see it as a blessing but not sure the rest of your family will see it that way.  And now you've tied yourself to a new man who you say is great but so you believed at first was the other one.  But what is done is done.  

I am not sure what is best here.  Your son is on a dangerous path.  He's witnessed abuse in the home by your words, a mom who coped by drinking and has essentially been fatherless his whole life.  He's an at risk kid.  Who has now dropped out of school.  I know you are regretful for any of his hardships or things he witnessed, but it is still his reality and this makes it difficult for a child to grow up without  problems.  When he just left, where did he go?  Is that a better place for him at this point if it is with a grandmother or loved one?  You still need to be financially responsible as he is a minor but am not sure if forcing him to live with a new man (who will certainly come with his own set of rules which whether good or bad will be unwelcome to a kid who's viewing him as an intruder.  Chaos will ensue).
It's a difficult situation for sure.  I'm not sure what you can do to help your son.  Would he see a therapist/psychologist? You have your other children to think of and the damage to them of seeing an out of control teen brother is also a possibility. But then abandoning your son is also not the answer.  I really fear for his future.  Whether he is hateful to you or not . . .  he has to be able to live on his own at some point and he's not developed the life skills to do that.  

Maybe hold off on the boyfriend moving in until this is better sorted.  Give yourself more time.  Even if just a little bit.  
Let me know what you think about what I've written.  I realize I have been very helpful here as it is such a complex situation.  I'll think more about it and post again.  hugs