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I feel my relationship falling apart
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I feel my relationship falling apart

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now. We had a very rocky first couple of years but haven't had a lot of major problems in the last year. First of all, regarding how we have been okay for the past year there needs to be some explanation. I got in trouble with the law last June and we were already having problems (drifting apart) and he disappeared on me. He wouldn't take my calls, see me when I came over, or write me back or anything. The last thing he said to me was I love you too and that was the last I heard. I wasn't allowed to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone but him so that made it even harder. Being holed up in my house without anything or anyone..About a month after him cutting me off I got a call from him, he offered to come over to explain. He told me that he thought it was best that we cut all ties to help move on...at this point I was kind of numb to the situation..After keeping contact for a week or two, he decided he wanted to give it another try and I agreed. I got pregnant that month and we decided we were going to keep the baby. I miscarried at 8 weeks, we were both devastated. He decided to move in with me when we found out to make things easier...and he never left. We have had some small arguments, but lately its gotten worse.

I feel like he doesn't care about me as much as I do about him. I am in love with him, we've fought hard for our relationship and been through a lot together. I always do everything I can for him, but its like breaking teeth to get him to do anything for me. Whenever he gets angry he leaves, for the night, or for a few hours. He can't keep any promises he makes, no matter how small or large and hes addicted to video games...so he gets home from work right when I do and its straight to the game room until bed time. Some nights he will watch some tv or a movie with me but its pretty rare. I normally sit next to him while he plays and keep myself busy some how. We never do anything for lack of money..but I don't need to leave and do things to be satisfied with his company. His best friend is jealous of our relationship because he doesn't hang out with him as much as he used to...but its not me that he's spending his time with. Its the video games. He had a bad childhood, his mom was addicted to meth and disappeared for 3 years when he was around 10. She lives in Missouri but keeps contact now, although not much. I have a feeling his childhood has affected his abilities relationship wise...but I have bent over backwards for him...and I never get anything in return.

He had a relationship with a girl a couple years before hours, and he was so in love with her. She had to move away and that hurt him a lot...I feel as though he's still attatched to her. I found out he was talking to her a lot and telling her he loved her the month we were seperated...I feel like I will never be her to him. I feel like he's not in love with me because he talked to her so much more differently then I do. He does things that upset me all the time, but doesn't ever do anything to fix it. He will be about to leave, and I get upset wanting him to stay and he refuses. Just the other night he was playing games and I went into the room and he told me to leave because I make him lose...I went back a few hours later and asked him to lay with me a while before I go to sleep. He flat out tells me "NO!" and continues playing. He does this most of the time. I ask him to dinner, and he says he doesn't feel like it. I make myself something to eat and he gets upset that I didn't make him anything. Everytime I get mad, he turns it around and gets mad at me like I have no reason or right to be mad at him. Its always my fault everytime we have an arguement. We argue about every two weeks or so. I have talked to him a million times about the same subject, he seems to get the point and tries to correct whats wrong for about a week or so but then it just diverts back to the way it was...He hurts me emotionally a lot..and rarely apologizes...And if his friend says something bad about me, which is pretty often, he doesn't defend me..

Yet he always tells me he loves me, we talk about our future, he introduces me as his fiance, or his girl. I have no doubt in my mind he loves me, but he himself told me he won't love me to the fullest until were married with kids...I don't think that's good enough in my book. I am so tired and rundown with the relationship but I love him so much I don't want him to leave. When were doing good, were great together. But when were doing badly, which is getting to be more often, its just so hard on me that I ask myself why I continue to put myself through it...I told him out right that he would be alone if it were any other girl besides me because I let so many of his hurtful things and let them go, but any other girl would not. I try not to expect much out of him, because thats all I get...I hate that I am never as happy as I could be, but I love him too much to let him go..I would gladly marry him in a heartbeat, but I feel like if were to do that I would be damning myself.

Is there anything I can do to help the situation? Should I just give up? What would you do?
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4 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
If i were you i would wait a bit it sure does not sound like he is marriage material, I think i would just hiold off and see how things go, if he is telling his ole girlfriend he cares for her what is he telling others  you can rise above your bad childhood, so dont fall for that, i am no saying that he wont get better, but it is your life, also it does sound like he is a little selfish, and he probably will not change, so it will be your decision just which way is best for you remember marriage is for life.make sure he is the right one.  luck  jo
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Avatar_m_tn
If this relationship is going to survive, it needs to change.  I don't know how old this guy is, but it seems like he is being immature and selfish.  There may be a future here for you, you say you love him very much and he has said he loves you, but he needs to grow up a bit and play his part in maintaining the relationship.  It sounds like he is taking it for granted that you will be around, that you will give him what he wants out of the relationship when it suits him, but he's not prepared to put anything back.

This video game addiction seems to crop up quite often in your message.  This sounds like a real problem here, and is getting in the way of him spending any time on anything other than work - it's clearly damaging his relationship with other people, as well as with you.

It's up to you to initiate change, if any change is going to happen.  He's not going to change himself.  You also need to tell yourself that you are strong enough that, if the relationship does not change in a positive way, that you will be able to survive without him and move on in your life.  Once you are convinced in your own heart that you have options, you are in a stronger position to try and make a change.  No-one is attracted to someone who seems needy, and it also gives them permission to keep treating you like a doormat.

It sounds like he gets pretty grumpy if you interrupt his game-playing, and it'll be worse if you try to badger him to stop doing it.  You'd be better catching him some time he's not playing games, and tell him that you really fancy doing something together - go out to a movie, or for a meal (fair enough, I realise you've said that money is tight so going out may be a treat you can't afford often), or just rent a DVD of some film you know he'll enjoy (and that you will), or make an effort cooking a nice home-cooked meal.  Invite his mate over, cook a meal for the three of you, drink some wine together.  Ask him a day or two in advance, so he will commit to the date.  Make a habit of doing this regularly, maybe a couple of times a week.

Once you've done this a few times, you could try asking him what he'd like to do - hand over responsibility to him for organising a nice evening together.

If he's still playing computer games when you want to go to bed (and if you're in the mood for this!), you could try inviting him while enticingly (un)dressed, or describe to him what you'd like to do to him once you get there.  If he still wants to stay and play his video games, there is something seriously wrong with him...

I don't know whether this relationship has a future or not.  I'm guessing from your comments, and the fact that you are still in it, that you would like it to.  On that basis alone, it's worth a shot.  But if it doesn't get any better, be strong and move on.  No-one should have to put up with a relationship like yours is right now, but particularly not someone as young as you, with so many options ahead of you.

Remember, he's not about to change this relationship, so if it's going to change, the only person who can initiate that is you.
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Avatar_m_tn
P.S.  Oh, and the story about not loving you fully until you are married with kids sounds like b******t.  I'm sorry.  If he really loves you, he'll love you for you, not for your kids.  He'll love you whether you have kids or not.  Having kids in the hope of bringing a relationship closer together, or saving it, is a HUGE mistake.  Looking after kids is hard work, and can expose cracks in the soundest relationship.  In a weak relationship, all it means is that the participants are left with the choice of staying in a weak relationship or a much more messy split-up that can only be damaging for an innocent child.
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177641_tn?1189759437
This sounds like a very one-sided relationship. I think he wants to live the bachelor life (doing what he wants, when he wants, no responsibility), but wants to keep you around so that (a) he has the security blanket of a relationship, and (b) you'll keep looking after him. What does he eat? When does he clean? How much are you looking after the house while he's playing video games long past midnight? Are you his girlfriend or his mom?

Personally I think he's stringing you along. Telling you to wait to be married and have kids to feel in love? That's terrible, almost like, "Keep trying. I'll be ready to love you someday, when I'm ready, but now yet." That's either laziness, manipulation, or something else. That's not love. And it's definitely not respect. Living in the shadow of an ex-girlfriend is not healthy either. There should be no comparison.

If he can't respond to your needs now or even take care of you (basic comfort, reassurrance, etc.), how will he be with kids? Guys don't magically transform into father material because they have a kid. If he can't communicate with you now while it's just the two of you, how will having kids make it any easier? Because you'll be too busy with the kids to interrupt his video games? Sorry, but it sounds like he's not at a point in his life to take a relationship seriously (which doesn't have anything to do with you). If you can't work through these issues now... Just my two cents.
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484465_tn?1347117312
what's weird is that through reading all of this, your words are the exact same as my friend's.  the exact same.  she said the same thing you said about "but I have bent over backwards for him...and I never get anything in return."  i told her the same thing i am telling you.  one person being willing and doing all the work from one side is not going to make it work and you'll never be happy.  no matter how "in love" he/she is, they will eventually see the light and see the trouble.  if he does not change completely (not for a week, month, or for your birthday) a full change, then this relationship is as doomed as any other
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Avatar_f_tn
I really like what slow_healer wrote.  She makes a lot of sense.  

I know in a previous post, you have written that he is bi.  With what you have written here, I think he is sexually involved with someone else, possibly his male "friend".  Why else would he have such a low sex drive?
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285848_tn?1219095913
He was bi...hasn't made any kind of notion he is at all since I have been with him. He had a bi experience in the past, he is not with any male lover. The only friends he hangs out with are in relationships with girls, married, or straight as an arrow...He is not cheating on me with a guy...I don't think he's cheating on me at all. He doesnt have the time or money to woo another person.

Slow-healer I agree with you the most. He does seem to want a bachelor's life...but I know he wants a relationship too. I approched him the night after writing this about how he feels about me. It may have not been the best time because he was hopped up on benedryl from allergies, but hey he sat and listened to me. I got it across to him about how I feel and asked him about his love for me. He assured me that his first love (the girl from the previous post) was cut out of his life and that he doesn't even think about her or try and contact her anymore. He told me that he does want to be with me and that he will try. I also reminded him about the whole "not loving me to fullest until marriage and kids" and he said that he doesn't understand why he would have said that because it wouldn't be fair to me. That was over a year ago that he said that. He told me that he doesn't really believe that about himself anymore, if he did at all.

We went out on Saturday, over to a friends house for dinner and a party with others. It was so much fun, we both had a great time. This weekend was the best weekend we've had in a long time. We even watched movies all day together on Sunday and did our laundry together.

Guess what though! He offered to sell his x-box! That would be total problem solved but I don't want to take that away from him ya know? Especially since I bought the darn thing for $500 as a christmas gift (I know stupid Idea) It hasn't been working for the past couple of days and he says he wants to just sell it and save up some money. Its a double edges sword for me though...the money I spent on it as a gift and his love for games, but our relationship on the other side. Should I just let him sell it, after all it is his and it would probably save our relationship...but I feel guilty??

As for his sex drive...I wasn't able to have sex for a few weeks since I just had surgery, but I think not being able to get it may have done something because he is always up for it now and I have not gotten rejected...We have sex about 4-5 times a week...and I think thats pretty good. I don't know why...but maybe it was because he was too into his video games...He gets really into them to where he doesn't get turned on easy? I know that if I do walk in there naked and try to intice him with words, it works sometimes. Maybe he's got something wrong with him to where he has a low sex drive? I know that he can't have sex after ejaculation anymore...it just won't raise back up...We have to wait a few hours because he can have sex again.

I don't know...maybe we just need to reignite the flame. We act just like a married couple in other people's eyes, but I am not ready to act that way yet. But it was nice when he was talking to me last night and refered to me as bride to be lol. I just hope it will stay good like this? If it falls back down to what it was I will be forced to move on...I just need to learn how to accept it.
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152852_tn?1205717026
If he sells the Xbox, that will be all the more reason to spend even more time at Jordan's.  He's not going to quit playing games cold turkey--he'll just spend more time with Jordan playing with him.

Whether he's involved with Jordan or wanting a bachelor life, neither is good.
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285848_tn?1219095913
Thanks, thats what I was thinking too. If he sells it, he'll be over playing at Jordan's EXCEPT the fact that the game they both love is a game that doesn't have multi player. So when he goes over to Jordan's he has to take his Xbox with him...hahah..but I don't know. He hasn't really complained about not playing it either...I told him not to sell it because it was a gift to him from me and that I also bought my own games and extra controllers and I hate to see all that go to waste...

We will see what happens. I will update in about a week with how things are going.
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Avatar_f_tn
I agree with most of the posters, I did not read the last few comments, and only read about half of your update (sorry) but I want to add in my opinion here.. It seems to me that since he isn't going to view this as a "real" relationship until he HAS to, with kids and marriage, then things won't change much then, either. I mean come on Jamie, are you his girlfriend, or the mother that he never had? It does sound a lot like convenience to me.. I'm sorry.. But that right there that you described, is not love.. Especially in the mean time of not being with you and totally ditching you and not wanting to be with you and telling another girl he loves her.. That to me does not say he's in love with you. I think he might just well be with you because you look after him and play mom for him. This is sad to me, because this isn't any indication of a healthy relationship between two adults. This sounds like one between an adult in the prime of her life who should be enjoying it spending time being HAPPY, and a boy in a man's body who is not ready to grow up and feels like he needs a "mommy" around that won't compare to his old girlfriend until he is 'forced' into commitment by marriage and children. I totally agree that he, and no other man, will change overnight and if I were you, I wouldn't trust him to be the father of my children. What if you had to leave him alone with the kid(s) and he still can't kick the addiction and the kid(s) are just running rampant in the house doing whatever they pleased? That is a health and safety hazard to the child and possibly himself and your home (ie. fire/stove, etc.) ... If I were you I'd ditch him. If you think you love him as much as you say you do, then stay with him.. But give it a loooong time before you have kids with this man. You may well regret it.  Although if you say he changed, give it a lot of time to see that he won't just go back to his old self. Because if he does, that's cause for alarm and a huge red flag that should tell you " I am never going to change!! "

good luck!
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285848_tn?1219095913
I know he would never endanger our kids, he's not that bad! What actually made me fall for him is the way he is around kids...he loves kids so much and does everything he can for them, he has a little brother that he absolutely adores. Not to mention my 4 year old nephew loves him too! And like I said when I replied...he hasn't been playing the xbox lately and has been thinking of selling it. He has been spending a lot more time with me in the last few days...which is great.  And he knows I am not his mom, sometimes I act like it and he calls me out on it. He hates it when I do that so its not just mommy and immature boy in a man's body.. I agree that I am not going to assume that he has changed over night...he never has..so I will give it a while and see what happens. Normally it doesn't take him long to go back to his old routine. Hopefully this will be a turning point with us...Thanks K!
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Avatar_m_tn
Great news - sounds like things are improving, and you are sounding a lot happier and more positive.  Keep remembering what YOU need from a relationship, and making sure you get it.  It can so easily happen that someone sees their relationship is in danger, makes an effort, but soon slips back into the way they were before.  Make sure he keeps doing the laundry with you (or takes turns), this shouldn't be a one-off event!

I think you are right to encourage him to keep the X-box - it could be that suggesting he'd sell it is something he's only doing because he wants to make things right with you, but could feel resentful about later (even though it was his idea to do it!), and that wouldn't be healthy.  Just make sure he keeps spending time with you, as well as time with the X-box!  Are there any multi-player games you'd both enjoy playing together?  I remember years ago when Tomb Raider first came out, staying up till early morning playing it with my wife, taking turns to control Lara...

Good luck, and I hope things continue going better for you!
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285848_tn?1219095913
yeah there are games that we used to play together, the game that he was OBSESSED with when I got him the xbox was Halo 3 and he played all the time, then I got into the game...and now he doesn't like the game. He likes Call of Duty 4 and thats only a 1 player. I would ask him to play Halo with me and he never wanted to..but we have been spending a good amount of time together. He doesn't seem to mind it either so that's good news. Ever since we found those kittens I would be taking care of them while he got his alone time and we've been watching one of our favorite shows together. He's home sick today so I feel bad for him, but he will be there when I get home so I can take care of him! lol
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587315_tn?1333556383
Who is better you or a computer/video game?  You are willing to put up with a man that would rather spend time with a d-a-m-n video game?  There are men out there that would spend time with you.

If this were me dealing with this-I would destroy the games or computer into little bits and pieces.  I value myself over games, and you should, too.
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285848_tn?1219095913
I do too. Now that the xbox won't play his game maybe its a sign for him to spend more time with me lol. He's been without video games for over a week and things are getting a little better...Day by day
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587315_tn?1333556383
I am happy for you.  But, it shouldn't take the x box screwing up for him to give you the attention that you deserve.
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Avatar_f_tn
Wow what a jerk and if I were u I would talk with him tell him how u feel and u want more time 2gether even if its just going on a walk or bike ride whatever friends house 4 something whatever free and fun my husband was like that 4 a while but we go out do something we have a son witch made this worse at the time but now he's trying and were making things better slowly but it makes me feel better but if he don't try 2 change leave I will tell u if u get married he will cheat u will feel like a single mother and alone so just remember u have one life and u should live it to ur fullest even if it means leaving someone u love who didn't love u enogh 2 change! One life that's it!
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480448_tn?1403547723
Hon, I don't know if you noticed, but this thread is almost 4 years old, and I didn't chedk the OP's profile, but most likely she is long gone.  In the very least, I sure hope she remedied this situation of hers!
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