I fell for someone else, should I leave my marriage

I have fallen in love with a woman at work. I am currently "married" (I am a lesbian, had a committment ceremony with my partner, and have been together 6 years). I was attracted to this other woman right away, from the first moment I saw her. She was supposedly straight, so I pushed it out of my mind. But, she came to me 2 years into knowing her and told me she had been developing feelings for me. I was blown away...and all of my feelings for her surfaced. I was also under a lot of stress in my marriage. My partner and I were trying to get pregnant unsuccessfully, I was increasingly unhappy with the relationship. I opened up to my partner about not being happy, wanting to work on things, she refused to do so and wanted to get pregnant first, then deal with problems (which I thought was backwards). Meanwhile, I'm falling in love with this other woman. She has told me she is in love with me as well. My partner and I have since gotten pregnant and have a new baby. We are happier these days but I am still in love with this other woman. I KNOW that if I had met this woman when I was single we would be together. I am torn about what to do. I have been in love with her for over a year, we have been intimate (sexually and generally). I can't seem to let her go, but I don't know if I can leave my marriage. I have love for my wife, I love my child. I am a mess.

[imanaddict]

You say you "have love for my wife" but you don't say you're IN LOVE with her. That's a huge red flag! Are you BOTH willing to work on the marriage and give it your all? Would you be willing to let the other woman go so you can do that? If not, then I honestly don't see any point in continuing on and the both of you miserable. Yes, you should have waited to have a baby until the marriage was better, but it's too late and now there is a baby involved. Babies rarely "fix" a marriage and usually adds to the stress.

You need to do some soul searching to get this figured out. On one hand you say you are in love with the other woman and on the other you say you have love for your wife and don't know if you can leave. Only you can make that call, neither will be an easy adjustment.

[SeriousSam]

Without parsing words,,,  You have a kid, you chose to be a parent albeit in an adoptivee traditionally male role-so deal with it.   You work your problems out, you stick with it and if you are insecure being a new parent with her spending time with the baby deal with it.  If you were the egg donor still deal with it.

Having a child is the most serious comittment you  can make with a parent and kids need to role models and one of you is representing either gender and honestly you have comitted to be involved with the child for the rest of your life and with  your current partner until the child is 18.  To do otherwise validates those who argue that homosexual couples SHOULD NOT have the same rights and miseries that heterosexual coupled Americans screw up so well.

[ConnieG]

It's seems like the grass is greener on the other side.
You're always going to go through phases where you want to go with someone else because it's so much better there.  It's best just to avoid getting in situations where you can fall in love with someone else.  Emotional relationships is just as much cheating as physically relationships and sometimes more damaging.
If you were to leave your wife and move on to this other woman, in a couple years (if not sooner) you will be having the same troubles. All relationships have struggles.
Since you have a baby, and you love your wife, I suggest staying.
You can work through this hard time and be even stronger in this marriage than before.  
Or you can leave, break up a family you just created, and start all over with a new person, and it will take 6 years to get where you are (struggling and thinking of leaving) instead of being even six years happier and stronger with your wife.
I hope you chose to stay with your family you created.  
It gets better if you both chose to work on it.

[imanaddict]

One of the things that stuck out was your wife refused to work on things when you approached her about being unhappy. If both of you aren't willing to commit and give it your 100% all, not to mention you stop seeing the other woman, it simply won't work. This is not something that cannot be undone if both of you want it too.

Sam, her sexuality has nothing to do with her feelings. There are a lot of heterosexual marriages out there that end in divorce and who have children. It happens everyday and none of us are exempt from it unfortunately.

[SeriousSam]

Reread what I posted!  I said heterosexual couples have perfected the art of misery!

[teko]

I don't understand why people get married, gay or straight! They cheat regardless so why make it so hard on each other. I mean, who needs the drama right? Why doesn't everyone just cohabitate  with one another and have sex. Screw their brains out. The kids that come out of it will be no worse than all these committed relationships that fail or people getting pregnant without thinking about marriage. Its all messed up! When you make a commitment it is supposed to be for life. Sexual attraction after the fact is not allowed. Whatever happened to someone living up to those vows they took. Its a joke nowadays. We have all been attracted to someone at one point or another. You walk the other way because you know it will not end well. So the parents screw up and the kids pay for it all. Sermon over.

[SeriousSam]

Really the only ones who benefit from marriages in the slightest are the non child bearing parent who wants to be part of his childs life. Anyone else who does so in america has to be really #^@&*! in the head to do so.


I weap for myself nightly, knowing what my son is exposed (ex-fiancee has a child molester boyfriend who uses the Acronym I.M.W.A.C.& Co. to identify himself) and curse my country weekly.

[Amie635]

This is a very difficult situation to be in. Sounds as if you care for your wife, but don't love her. Maybe the passionate side has just fizzled out. You have to be careful that whatever decision you make is the right one though. So many people think the grass is greener on the other side, leave and live in misery at the mistake they made. It happened to me, my ex left me for someone else and lived the next year in heartache because of the mistake he made, whilst I moved on and met someone else. How would you feel if your wife moved on without you, and made a new home with someone else? Would that hurt, could you cope?

And if you stay, you can't carry on this affair. It doesn't pay much respect to the 6 year relationship you and your partner have been in. Weigh up the pros and cons, think about who makes you happier and what would work out best. Sometimes break up is better for everyone involved, obviously its traumatizing but you'd be happier, your wife would be able to find someone who loved her and wouldn't cheat and your child wouldn't have to be in an atmosphere where her/his parents aren't happy. As a kid growing up in an environment where my parents weren't in love, I know first hand how it can affect others. It's just my opinion though.

[SeriousSam]

Again self comes first! I really think that Americans are so selfish and quick to give up on family almost all of them should nueter themselves and just boink anything or do anything they want and to heck with the consequences so long as they never have a moment that is not filled with bliss!

Geez people the thing that makes the good things in life so valuable is that they are not common as dirt!

[specialmom]

Oh my goodness.  I'm old fashioned and believe in marriage and know about a zillion happy couples.  I'm happily married for 10 years and highly recommend it.  But you know what helps . . . I entered it FOR REAL.  I didn't look at it  like . . .well, if it doesn't work out, I'll just get divorced.  I made this commitment and as it is for my life, I work hard to make it happy.  My husband has the same attitude.  

So-----------  I hold those who marry to a high standard.  You chose willingly to make the commitment of marriage.  Once you do that----------  I'm gonna get mad at ya for "falling in love with a coworker".  It wasn't the right thing to do and if you leave your current committed relationship for this woman, the relationship will forever have a bit of a cloud over it.  Relationships that start out from infidelity have an extremely high fail rate statistically speaking.  I don't recommend it.

What I would say to do?  Set up couples counseling and try to salvage the relationship.  After a period of time if you determine that the relationship is not able to be saved, then separate.   But don't just jump into another relationship then.  Take some time to figure out why you are in that place.  If you skip that ----------  often the same situation will occur.  So after some time has passed---------  then you can look for love again.  This gives you the best possible chance for a healthy relationship.  

Like I said, I'm old fashioned.  I do wish you the best of luck.  I hope that you can work this out in a way to make as many people as happy as possible and  hurt as few as possible (including you and your new baby-------- congrats on the baby!).  Good luck

[mami1323]

I'm just as disappointed as Teko to hear about these types of things.  I guess I'm old fashioned in a sense as well, because I do believe in commitment.  I do believe in working through issues and not escaping from them.  I do believe in thinking of my child's needs above my own.  Which means I would never do anything to damage my relationship and lead my child to heartache.  But I've been the victim of infidelity and understand all too well how painful it is.  I think you need to let go of the other woman.  It is not love, it's lust.  It's fresh, new and exciting.  That's why it feels so passionate.  However, just like someone said above, that feeling will eventually fade like it did in your marriage and then you are left with the same relationship.  Although, it could wind up worse and your child would have suffered for it in the end.  Give your marriage a chance.  If you can, look for another job, where you don't have to see this other woman day in and day out.  Re-commit yourself to your wife and work through your issues.  Counseling is a must for this to succeed though.  

[imanaddict]

My apologies, I guess I read your post wrong, specifically the part of " To do otherwise validates those who argue that homosexual couples SHOULD NOT have the same rights and miseries that heterosexual coupled Americans screw up so well." I sensed some sort of anger toward homosexuals and Americans in your post, or at least I thought I did.

[teddybears4ever2]

I agree with specialmom, everyone should give their marriage a chance.  Counselling is always a wonderful idea.  It will enable you to get on the same page.  I have been married for almost 4 years and I can't say that it has been easy.  I can say that you can always take something bad and turn it into something good.

[Judy246]

You love your wife and child, so why would you want to destroy what you already have. My question to you is it is worth destroying your relationship and family for this other woman. Follow your heart and the grass is not always green on the other side. Marriage is to be taken seriously, respected and it's a life long bond. If you leave your family for this other woman and it doesn't work out, you will never be the same person again.

[carmen326]

Thank you all for your honest and thought out responses. i am hearing what I need to hear. I was caught at a vulnerable time, when I wasn't sure if my wife loved me, and I caved. It is the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. I do love my wife, I do love my child and I plan on trying my hardest to make it work. And I know that means letting go of the other woman. A heartbreaking thing I've done before...and am scared out of my mind to do again, but it is what I brought on myself, I deserve it. The pain is no where near what it would be if I lost my wife and son.

Thank you all , I needed your feedback.