In the next few days I will be 40 years old and I am just getting my paternity confirmed. When my mother was in high school she and my bio father got pregnant and had me. To make a long story short both of their mothers had other ideas for their futures.
My maternal grandmother thought they should get married which did not sit well with dads mom of course
My paternal grandmother wanted my dad to go to college and she was not particularly happy with my fathers choice in my mother. He graduated a year earlier than my mom and was quickly shipped off to college, and of course paternity was questioned. With the stress and pressure of being a single mom in the early 70's my mom got with a slightly older man that was obsessed with her and very abusive. This man ended up on my birth certificate and my mom left him and me in limbo becuase by this time bio dad died of a heart condition while playing on the basketball court. All of this apparently killed her sprit and she went on to have more kids by different men and I rarely saw her as she moved far away and didnt return except for short times.
This left me to grow up in a very uncertain and abusive inviroment as her ex husband and the man that was on my birth certificate got remarried. This women hated my mother and anything that reminded her of my mother. Me included. Verbal abuse by her and physical abuse by him.
In the meantime the paternal grandmother wanted a relationship with me but she was allowed no contact and the mere mention of this from me would get me verbally and mentally assaulted.
Ultimately, the abuse was so bad that I had black eyes and bruises so I ran away and too refuge with my maternal grandmother. It was so bad that when we went to court the stepmother shoved me in front of the judge. Which at this point he told them they would never get custody of me again.
By this time i was 15 years old and I was very angry....very angry and sad.
I've mad some really bad choices of my own but the one thing I did was raise my children on my own and they never had to wonder where I was or how they would get their next meal. Yet, as much as I love them, I have never been able to show it in the manner that a parent should. I am and was very messed up in the head from my experiance as a child.
I have five children, a boy in the navy, a girl in college and a boy graduating high school this year. I have a fourteen year old that now lives with his father and a ten year old with my current husband.
But just days ago, I took a dna test with my aunt and brother which confirmed who was my father and who was by way of the connection to them. I used 23andme.com which is a popular site and have been through a sea of emotions.
I honestly, feel I should be over this. What can I do to get over this? I'm scared of being rejected by the new family and dont know if I should tell the other man I now know and have confirmed the truth. Should I speak to them ever again? I want to be adult about this whole thing but for some reason my judgement is clouded and I feel angry one minute and semi happy the next.
I would welcome all comments and suggestions.
Hi there and welcome. Okay, I'm trying to follow. Is your bio dad passed away? I think you said that. So, this is to meet your paternal grandmother?
Well, first, sorry to hear all of these things happening in your childhood. It pains me to hear of a young single mom who makes mistakes that ultimately hurt their child/ren. I'm sure your mom wanted to do better for you but sometimes life just happens. Abuse is never a child's fault and it certainly wasn't yours-- again, so sorry that happened.
In truth, ugh. That was a hard situation for your mom, your bio dad AND their parents. I had big dreams in my high school years and my parents had big plans for me as well. An unplanned pregnancy would have derailed things dramatically. I'm not going to blame the people for various emotions at that vulnerable time. Part of me thinks adoption would have been a wonderful thing rather than your mom trying to go it alone at such a young age. But, she tried. Your paternal grandmother didn't know you. She wasn't emotionally attached to you. However, she was to her son. And she was trying to protect him. I know it might be hard to see it that way. But that is probably the truth to it.
I'm going to recommend two things. If you are open to accepting this for what it is, then I'd meet with your grandmother. Cautiously. Without major expectations at first.
the second thing I really recommend is a therapist to talk about your childhood with. Someone to vent to, talk about the pain, a professional to help you sort out the emotions you have about it.
The past is behind you, Lynn. Let it go. Look forward to a future in which you can find out who Lynn really is. Plus, the only moment we ever really get is THIS moment, right NOW. Do your best to make every moment a pleasant, happy, exciting, beautiful, joyful (I could go on) moment. God Bless - Blu
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