Aa
I had an affair first and than my husband had an affair
My affair started 1 1/2 yrs ago. I am married, now seperated from my husband who was a truck driver for 12 years. I felt like we only had a phone conversation relationship. I worked, was in college full time, and had two teenage boys to take care of. I would go back and forth between the OM & my H. I did this 3 or 4 times. My kids have been hurt by it as well as my H. I have also suffered from it and so has the OM. In Sept. of last yr I went to the house to see my H and found him in bed with my BF Daughter! All of who was only 4 yrs older than our oldest son! She told me she asked the boys if it was ok if she sleep with their father! Anyway, after seeing this I have had a hard time dealing with it. I am also still talking and seeing the OM! I know it is not right but there are feelings there between he and I that I just cannot get rid of! I have tried to block it all out and no answer the phone or texts he sends me! My H says she was just a one night stand and did not want to do it anyway. However, he never saw me with the OM nor did my kids. I know it doesn't make it right either way but that is one thing I did not want. However, my H told me he had to think of me to "get it up". How am I to feel about this? He also told me everything that happened and everything he did to her! I feel sick! Yes, I told him everything about my affair as well. I don't know whether to leave him or stay? I am not sure if I love him or not. One thing I know is that I cannot stand the thought of seeing him with another woman in his arms! I know he feels the same way about me. Yes, the OM and I have said I love you to eachother and we do feel we are soul mates! However, I am the one holding back as I don't know what to do! I live alone. The OM consumes my everyday! Why? I need to get counseling I know but I cannot afford it. My H wants to work it out and says he only loves me and wants to be with only me. I don't know that I can get over the image I have of him laying in our bed with the other woman completely naked in eachothers arms! Is it possible to get over that? We have been married since I was 17. So for 19 years and been together for 21. Is it worth trying to work out or am I beating myself and him up for both our mistakes? I know I feel like I am walking on egg shells around him and he the same. My kids are mad at me for the affair but not there dad cause he should beable to do it too beings I did it is what they say. I know there is more to the story to tell but this is for the most part what has been going on for the past year in a half. Any advice, crticism, and etc is much appreciated!
Good for you for laying it all out there. You'll probably feel a sense of relief after doing so. And really, better for you about getting back on an anti depressant. It takes a while for them to work. They have to get built up in your system. I am on one of the mildest out there and it has changed my world completely. (I'm the type of person who thought there was not help available.)
Go in with an open mind. See and understand everything. Remember, time is your friend and all you can do is address what is happening now and guide yourself into the future.
Go in with an open mind. See and understand everything. Remember, time is your friend and all you can do is address what is happening now and guide yourself into the future.
Yes, I am seeking counseling thru my pastor and will continue. I will go to my Dr. to get back on the depression medication I was on. I will talk to him about everything as he does know what is going on in my life. I honestly don't have words to thank both of you for helping me shed light on my situation. Thank you for your honesty in this. I wish I had one of you around me to just run and talk to face to face! THANK YOU!!!
THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE!!! I do believe I am depressed too! However with no medical insurance n no money I cannot afford to go to a therapist. That is why I am here to start with. As I said before I have no one to talk to. I am tonight having my H over for supper, just the two of us and I am laying it ALL OUT on the table! No holds barred. I have to face reality and this is where I start. I don't know how it will go but it has got to get better from here. I believe in everything both of you have had to say to me!!! I am taking what you have said and going to start on the path to a new beginning whether my H wants to stay and work thru this or he decides a different direction. I have to OWN it like you said Bryce1967 and being honest from here on out is where it has to start!!!!!
Again THANK YOU BOTH VERY MUCH FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE! IT IS VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!
Again THANK YOU BOTH VERY MUCH FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE! IT IS VERY MUCH APPRECIATED!
No I do not think I am one up on him! We have talked about what we both have done and he is very much a person who lives in the present not the past like me! He (husband) has said many times if he thinks about it alls it will do is eat him up like it is me. So, no I don't blame him anymore than I blame myself!!!! Yes, for me it is difficult as for me seeing and knowing everything he has told me about what he did with her and knowing my kids seen and heard all of what they did makes me sick! NO it is not right what I did either and my kids knowing what I have done is no better!
Reading this I have difficulty understanding why/how You feel like the injured party !! ??
Somehow it sounds like You think it's harder on You???? than Him???? because You actually saw Him with someone else ???? - Does that make what He did WORSE than what You have done ???? Are You "one up" cuz He didn't "SEE" it???? I'm not getting this.......I SO DO NOT GET THIS ! ! ! !
Somehow it sounds like You think it's harder on You???? than Him???? because You actually saw Him with someone else ???? - Does that make what He did WORSE than what You have done ???? Are You "one up" cuz He didn't "SEE" it???? I'm not getting this.......I SO DO NOT GET THIS ! ! ! !
Wow. I've tried to write this post 3 times now, so I hope this one comes out making some sense. You said a lot of things above, and by doing so you are kind of trying to sort things out on a sub conscious level, I think. (No doctor, but been through this.) You asked, "how do I own this when I feel so lost and confused?". This is difficult, and it isn't going to come easily. Your ego/psyche will stand in the way of things making sense, so start writing things down. Get a cheap notebook and begin journaling everything regarding this issue. Everything! Anything that wanders through your mind on its own, or the thoughts/opinions of others. This will help with owning this. (For me, I had to hear things like this about 20 times before I knew the difference between "admitting and owning".)
You have to look into your past, perhaps by taking a real good look at why you feel as if your family didn't accept you or you were so desperately seeking their approval. It's probably going to sting a little. Evaluating ourselves, when being totally honest, can be brutal... even hurtful, very hurtful. It conjures up everything that we tried to put away from so long ago. (Perhaps with the OM, you were feeling accepted.... if you look closely, you will probably find you were accepted at home as well. In order to feel loved and accepted, we have to love and accept ourselves as well as others on a conscious level.)
All of the above is soul searching. Looking at and accepting our faults, knowing that we are human and capable of mistakes, big giant ones. Soul searching is about truth, telling the truth and accepting it from ourselves and others. Soul searching is about not necessarily you being right, but seeing the truth in everything. (You are/were a good wife/bad wife. What was wrong, what was right. You are/were a good parent. What went wrong/right? Looking at those things and learning from the mistakes is soul searching.) Here's the kicker... what has happened has happened, and you cannot un-ring a bell. What you can do is notice, embrace and accept your mistakes and short comings, and learn from them. You need to concentrate on now! We can only control ourselves, and we can only deal with what is happening now. The past happened, so its over. The future is undetermined... we can guide ourselves towards goals, but there are circumstances that will pop up that we cannot prepare for. Knowing that, we can easily see that we can only live in the now...... is that making sense?
Finding yourself and making yourself happy is very sound advice. Soul searching will aide in this. From the sounds of things, your husband sounds willing to accept you with your faults, but you need to come to terms with your faults in order to better deal with his. Is this making sense? (It is okay to realize that you made a horrible mistake regarding this affair. You know it could have been handled much differently and perhaps more appropriately... but this is now. We are focused on the now!)
Also, being labeled as or labeling ourselves as the "strong and independent one" is kind of unfair if you really look at it. It's a lot of pressure that has been put on us, or that we put on ourselves. We can't always be strong and independent because there are other people in the mix. We cannot control other people. With that being said, it is okay to have help or to ask for it, and guess what? You are doing it right now, and it is totally cool. Get the garbage floating around in your head out.... self doubt, self esteem issues, feeling inadequate. Get rid of it. You know that you mean something to your kids and even your husband, and now know that you mean something to yourself.
Communication is key. You can and should go to your kids and tell them that you made a mistake. Tell them that you understand that what you've done has affected them, and you are so sorry for hurting them or letting them down in this way. Allow them to voice their opinion, to tell their hurt. Do this to your husband and allow him the same opportunity as you did your kids. Tell and apologize to everyone you feel you have affected with the affair. Feel their hurt, look at the disappointment in their eyes and on their faces.... then apologize again. Let them know that you are working on a better you. (Look at what it was that attracted you to your husband, and look at the effort he may be putting in to make things right. Also, do not be afraid to ask for his help. This is both of you therefore it is both of your responsibilities.)
In closing, your happiness might not lie with your husband. And according to a bunch of statistics I've read, probably do not lie with the OM either. This too will be hard and will take some time. But if you feel the love for and from your husband, it is worth giving it your all. Work on making you the best you there is.
You have to look into your past, perhaps by taking a real good look at why you feel as if your family didn't accept you or you were so desperately seeking their approval. It's probably going to sting a little. Evaluating ourselves, when being totally honest, can be brutal... even hurtful, very hurtful. It conjures up everything that we tried to put away from so long ago. (Perhaps with the OM, you were feeling accepted.... if you look closely, you will probably find you were accepted at home as well. In order to feel loved and accepted, we have to love and accept ourselves as well as others on a conscious level.)
All of the above is soul searching. Looking at and accepting our faults, knowing that we are human and capable of mistakes, big giant ones. Soul searching is about truth, telling the truth and accepting it from ourselves and others. Soul searching is about not necessarily you being right, but seeing the truth in everything. (You are/were a good wife/bad wife. What was wrong, what was right. You are/were a good parent. What went wrong/right? Looking at those things and learning from the mistakes is soul searching.) Here's the kicker... what has happened has happened, and you cannot un-ring a bell. What you can do is notice, embrace and accept your mistakes and short comings, and learn from them. You need to concentrate on now! We can only control ourselves, and we can only deal with what is happening now. The past happened, so its over. The future is undetermined... we can guide ourselves towards goals, but there are circumstances that will pop up that we cannot prepare for. Knowing that, we can easily see that we can only live in the now...... is that making sense?
Finding yourself and making yourself happy is very sound advice. Soul searching will aide in this. From the sounds of things, your husband sounds willing to accept you with your faults, but you need to come to terms with your faults in order to better deal with his. Is this making sense? (It is okay to realize that you made a horrible mistake regarding this affair. You know it could have been handled much differently and perhaps more appropriately... but this is now. We are focused on the now!)
Also, being labeled as or labeling ourselves as the "strong and independent one" is kind of unfair if you really look at it. It's a lot of pressure that has been put on us, or that we put on ourselves. We can't always be strong and independent because there are other people in the mix. We cannot control other people. With that being said, it is okay to have help or to ask for it, and guess what? You are doing it right now, and it is totally cool. Get the garbage floating around in your head out.... self doubt, self esteem issues, feeling inadequate. Get rid of it. You know that you mean something to your kids and even your husband, and now know that you mean something to yourself.
Communication is key. You can and should go to your kids and tell them that you made a mistake. Tell them that you understand that what you've done has affected them, and you are so sorry for hurting them or letting them down in this way. Allow them to voice their opinion, to tell their hurt. Do this to your husband and allow him the same opportunity as you did your kids. Tell and apologize to everyone you feel you have affected with the affair. Feel their hurt, look at the disappointment in their eyes and on their faces.... then apologize again. Let them know that you are working on a better you. (Look at what it was that attracted you to your husband, and look at the effort he may be putting in to make things right. Also, do not be afraid to ask for his help. This is both of you therefore it is both of your responsibilities.)
In closing, your happiness might not lie with your husband. And according to a bunch of statistics I've read, probably do not lie with the OM either. This too will be hard and will take some time. But if you feel the love for and from your husband, it is worth giving it your all. Work on making you the best you there is.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm wondering if you are not clinically depressed. I ask this because even though you did not come out and say it, I'm reading that you tried to kill yourself. For one to attempt such a thing in ernest, it is usually assumed that the person suffers servere depression. If you have medical insurance, then it is time to go to a psychiatrist on a regular basis. Face that medication may be necessary to regulate your mood and keep you stable. And I would suggest that if you are suffering from clinical depression, that it will cloud any and all progress you could make in your life. It IS hard to move on if depressed. It must be treated and treated fully.
I would take a break. Do NOT see the other man. Don't call him. Try not to think about him. I would schedule with a psychiatrist as soon as possible. I would work from that angle to help heal your life. Do not talk about it with your kids and family. This is for you to do. You are in a position where they might feel you are using that as an excuse. That isn't right, but at this time------------ you do not need their attitude as you deal with some hard things. This is for you to do. I WOULD talk to your husband about it. Of all who you mention in your posts, your husband sounds the most supportive of you.
I do hear denial still about what you've created in your own life. Again, I think depression plays a role. Continue to ask those at your church for support.
I wish you peace. Call the doctor and work on any depression you may have first. good luck
I would take a break. Do NOT see the other man. Don't call him. Try not to think about him. I would schedule with a psychiatrist as soon as possible. I would work from that angle to help heal your life. Do not talk about it with your kids and family. This is for you to do. You are in a position where they might feel you are using that as an excuse. That isn't right, but at this time------------ you do not need their attitude as you deal with some hard things. This is for you to do. I WOULD talk to your husband about it. Of all who you mention in your posts, your husband sounds the most supportive of you.
I do hear denial still about what you've created in your own life. Again, I think depression plays a role. Continue to ask those at your church for support.
I wish you peace. Call the doctor and work on any depression you may have first. good luck
Thank you to everyone for your advice and posts! I do appreciate them!
Yes I have to own it but how when I am so lost and confused?! I know what I did was wrong and I feel the pain and guilt everyday. I have talked with my H on him seeing the OM and he says it does not bother him as he don't see him hardly at all as the OM lives 100 miles away. He says he understands why it is hard for me to come into town as the OW is always around. I truly wish I could afford a therapist! Yes, my life is a mess and I own that I am the one that has created it! Yes, my pride does get in the way alot! The OM mom has been very helpful to me. She helped me out when all of this started knowing I was with her son didn't matter to her. She told me I need to find myself and make myself happy before I could ever make anyone else happy. She told me the same as you have specialmom about soul searching. How do you start and where do you start? Yes, I have gone to church and saught out counseling from the minister. Yes, he has been great help but I still am lost and confused! WOW listen to me such a bag of emotional mess!!!! I wish there were a magic wand so I could make everything go away! On May 1 the guilt & pain was horrible I tried the unthinkable and ended up in the hospital! My own mother came to see me with my sister who I had not talked to in a year. My sister started in on me and I asked her where she had been the last year of my life and she walked out and so did my mother! My mother never saying a word!!! Yes, as I have come to realize I have been searching for my family's acceptance and have never gotten it until I had my boys. They r everything to my family. I have always been the independant one, strong one (so everyone thought), the go to person in the family when things went wrong, and now when I need them no one is around! No one wants to talk to me about it and no one wants to see myside of things. I keep everything bottled up and talk to no one about anything until here. I did try counseling for about 2 months 8 mths ago. I got nowhere. I was just as lost and confused as I am now. I went to medical dr. and got depression pills which have not helped at all. OH WHAT A MESS I HAVE CREATED! How do you start to repair yourself? I am like Bryce have always been honest and everyone in the community loved me and now all is gone! I have distanced myself from anyone and everyone in town. I stay away as much as possible. I go out of town for things. I do need to figure me out and what I truly want but how do you start the process?
Yes I have to own it but how when I am so lost and confused?! I know what I did was wrong and I feel the pain and guilt everyday. I have talked with my H on him seeing the OM and he says it does not bother him as he don't see him hardly at all as the OM lives 100 miles away. He says he understands why it is hard for me to come into town as the OW is always around. I truly wish I could afford a therapist! Yes, my life is a mess and I own that I am the one that has created it! Yes, my pride does get in the way alot! The OM mom has been very helpful to me. She helped me out when all of this started knowing I was with her son didn't matter to her. She told me I need to find myself and make myself happy before I could ever make anyone else happy. She told me the same as you have specialmom about soul searching. How do you start and where do you start? Yes, I have gone to church and saught out counseling from the minister. Yes, he has been great help but I still am lost and confused! WOW listen to me such a bag of emotional mess!!!! I wish there were a magic wand so I could make everything go away! On May 1 the guilt & pain was horrible I tried the unthinkable and ended up in the hospital! My own mother came to see me with my sister who I had not talked to in a year. My sister started in on me and I asked her where she had been the last year of my life and she walked out and so did my mother! My mother never saying a word!!! Yes, as I have come to realize I have been searching for my family's acceptance and have never gotten it until I had my boys. They r everything to my family. I have always been the independant one, strong one (so everyone thought), the go to person in the family when things went wrong, and now when I need them no one is around! No one wants to talk to me about it and no one wants to see myside of things. I keep everything bottled up and talk to no one about anything until here. I did try counseling for about 2 months 8 mths ago. I got nowhere. I was just as lost and confused as I am now. I went to medical dr. and got depression pills which have not helped at all. OH WHAT A MESS I HAVE CREATED! How do you start to repair yourself? I am like Bryce have always been honest and everyone in the community loved me and now all is gone! I have distanced myself from anyone and everyone in town. I stay away as much as possible. I go out of town for things. I do need to figure me out and what I truly want but how do you start the process?
COMMUNITY LEADER
Good advice and post Brice!
I so agree with the difference between 'admitting it" and "owning it". Two days since you have spoken to the other man does not mean you have been soul searching the past year and a half. Your kids and family are upset with you---------- which adds guilt. If they weren't, would you just move on with the new man? I ask that because I do sense a bit of a disconnect from you regarding the pain you have caused others.
You could ask your husband how he deals with seeing the man you have been having an ongoing affair with. I know he didn't see you in the act as you did his one night stand------- but none the less, it must be painful for him to see someone you are intimate with and emotionally close to. How is he able to deal with that?
Now, I do NOT want to add salt into your wound. It hurts to be cheated on. Absolutely. But this relationship had something very wrong with it for you both to see other people.
And I do wonder how much your pride is in the way here. You've said a few things that make me wonder this. So you must decide if it is your pride that is hurting or if you love him. If it is for your family who is upset with you that you consider reconciling with your husband or because you love him.
Your husband did screw up. But hon, you were the trailblazer in bad choices. I still feel you need to own it. YOur family is mad at you. They should be dear. You need to understand the hurt YOU have caused regardless of what your husband did. And as the kids feel he was the victem of your affair and his encounter happened (almost it sounds like as retaliation)------- they see you as starting the whole thing. Now I don't know that for sure------------ I'm just guessing. Your key to your family is to understand what you have done to them and your husband without trying to make yourself out to be the victem to his encounter. Yes, it was terrible!!!! But your family needs you to focus on what YOU did first.
And a therapist to sort out this whole thing and help you understand HOW you got here would be so great. good luck
I so agree with the difference between 'admitting it" and "owning it". Two days since you have spoken to the other man does not mean you have been soul searching the past year and a half. Your kids and family are upset with you---------- which adds guilt. If they weren't, would you just move on with the new man? I ask that because I do sense a bit of a disconnect from you regarding the pain you have caused others.
You could ask your husband how he deals with seeing the man you have been having an ongoing affair with. I know he didn't see you in the act as you did his one night stand------- but none the less, it must be painful for him to see someone you are intimate with and emotionally close to. How is he able to deal with that?
Now, I do NOT want to add salt into your wound. It hurts to be cheated on. Absolutely. But this relationship had something very wrong with it for you both to see other people.
And I do wonder how much your pride is in the way here. You've said a few things that make me wonder this. So you must decide if it is your pride that is hurting or if you love him. If it is for your family who is upset with you that you consider reconciling with your husband or because you love him.
Your husband did screw up. But hon, you were the trailblazer in bad choices. I still feel you need to own it. YOur family is mad at you. They should be dear. You need to understand the hurt YOU have caused regardless of what your husband did. And as the kids feel he was the victem of your affair and his encounter happened (almost it sounds like as retaliation)------- they see you as starting the whole thing. Now I don't know that for sure------------ I'm just guessing. Your key to your family is to understand what you have done to them and your husband without trying to make yourself out to be the victem to his encounter. Yes, it was terrible!!!! But your family needs you to focus on what YOU did first.
And a therapist to sort out this whole thing and help you understand HOW you got here would be so great. good luck
I am not married but I can relate to the reason as to WHY u cheated (I do not think it's right do not get me right) but I know all too well that women, we are emotional beings that's just who we are. Some women of course are well aware on how to control their emotions and not let them get the best of them. I have been dating my bf for a while and at first everything was good we were in love but then the sparks seem to have left us, we had no time for each other and our relationship was going downhill.So when I got my job I met this other guy from work, it was so nice just to laugh and talk and it felt so easy breezy as opposed to fighting and yelling with my boyfriend. So I slept with him and continued until my boyfriend found out...I continued a relationship with the other dude and it never worked out. The point of my story? We women we need to feel, we need butterfiles and sparks in our lives and our relationships. A man to take control and tell us how beautiful we are, a shoulder to cry and just someone to call and text when we feel sweet. We need to feel wanted.
However, when u find someone to vow to, u promised to love for the rest of ur life it gets sticky worse when there are children involved it becomes a family at large situation that needs to be handled delicately and with much thought. Ur husband u felt had no time for u and u had a phone relationship and that wasn't enough, I get it and especially when u have been married for years, romance find a way of leaving u. It's up to u to go back to that place and go back to why u vowed ur life to this man, if he has changed then let him know u want ur husband back. The other man is just for a time, a spaceholder in ur life really. I know u still love ur husband because if u didn't then finding him in bed with another would not phase u one bit. If u have done all u can in ur marriage and it still fails then move on you have tried but the point is you TRY!
The fact that u have bounced around from family to family may be a factor contributing to u being unable to cut this other man loose, you may be searching for something. Do u go to church? I hate saying anything religious considering the fact that I do not know ur religious affiliations but maybe the leader of ur church can help.
However, when u find someone to vow to, u promised to love for the rest of ur life it gets sticky worse when there are children involved it becomes a family at large situation that needs to be handled delicately and with much thought. Ur husband u felt had no time for u and u had a phone relationship and that wasn't enough, I get it and especially when u have been married for years, romance find a way of leaving u. It's up to u to go back to that place and go back to why u vowed ur life to this man, if he has changed then let him know u want ur husband back. The other man is just for a time, a spaceholder in ur life really. I know u still love ur husband because if u didn't then finding him in bed with another would not phase u one bit. If u have done all u can in ur marriage and it still fails then move on you have tried but the point is you TRY!
The fact that u have bounced around from family to family may be a factor contributing to u being unable to cut this other man loose, you may be searching for something. Do u go to church? I hate saying anything religious considering the fact that I do not know ur religious affiliations but maybe the leader of ur church can help.
Oh brother.... I don't even know where to start. I'm not going to get into all of the personal matters, but I will start by saying that I too had an affair. We'd been married 17 years, and I quit paying any attention to my marriage. I got in contact with an ex-girlfriend through an internet social network, and it started off innocently enough. It slowly ramped up. It was insidious. Before you know it, it went from an emotional affair to a full blown affair....
(specialmom has been a big help in recovering my marriage and so have so many others on this site.) With all of that being said, I will say this. There is a very big difference between owning what you've done and simply admitting it. At the beginning, I admitted to the affair but I had not truly owned what I had done.
Me admitting it.... "Yeah, I did it. I had an affair." It lacked any emotion, it lacked any feeling, it lacked remorse, and it lacked any thought. I was guilty and I felt it. Me owning it.... "I did have an affair, and I want our marriage to work. I know what I did was wrong. I understand the betrayal and I am so sorry I hurt you like this. You did nothing to deserve this." Owning it also has a lot to do with "why". Figuring out why this happened, what was lacking in the marriage, and then addressing that. Without addressing the problem, you are setting yourself up for another fall.
Admitting it is just like saying, "Yeah, I did it, so big deal." Owning it is saying, "I am sorry and I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to make our marriage work if you give me the opportunity to prove to you how much I really do love you."
I think you do love your husband, hence the feeling and emotions surround his infidelity. But now you also know how he feels. It's not fair... As specialmom said, two wrongs do not make a right. If this marriage is going to have a chance, both of you have to be willing to do your parts. It is a lot of work and it requires you to take a good honest look at the marriage itself, but more importantly it requires us to take a real good, hard, honest look at ourselves. For me, that was the difficult part. I had always been honest to a flaw... brutally honest, and everyone in town knew me and appreciated me for my honesty. If you asked me my opinion, you were going to get it without me cutting corners. It was going to be direct and without any sugar coating. Now, I was a liar and a cheater. I had to own that. The reputation that everyone in town knew me by was gone.... broken completely. Nobody did it to me, I did this to myself.... harsh, eh? Not only does my wife have to live through this, but so do my children. They also knew me as direct and brutally honest, now they see me as the liar and cheater that I had become. That hurts.... it stings every time I think of it. Everything that I had ever held close to my heart, I had put aside..... it was self destruction at its finest. I had all of the control, but at the same time I was totally out of control. Fraught with guilt.... miserable to say the least, and looking at the hurt that I caused my beautiful wife and beautiful children was almost too hard to look at. Looking at my friends was almost as hard, and even now there is not the acceptance amongst my friends as there once was.... it probably won't ever be like it was. It can't be. The playing field is different now. The most important lesson involved here besides humility is forgiveness. You have to be willing to forgive yourself, learn from those mistakes in order to move forward, and be willing to forgive your husband.
Now, the decision is yours. Can you do all of the required work? Are you willing to do what it takes? Can your husband do all of this too?
Communication is the key, and honesty has to stand in front of all things here and now. A good therapist would be a big help to address any undiagnosed mental conditions and to help accommodate each other by acting as a mediator. A therapist will be able to understand both of your stories and help explain that to your spouse and vise-versa. Also, a good bit of reading about infidelity might be of assistance. You'll be amazed at how many stories are like yours, and you will be able to see the success stories and even the down falls. There is an abundance of information out there and it can all be beneficial.
Good luck, and know that this will take a lot of time and patience.
(specialmom has been a big help in recovering my marriage and so have so many others on this site.) With all of that being said, I will say this. There is a very big difference between owning what you've done and simply admitting it. At the beginning, I admitted to the affair but I had not truly owned what I had done.
Me admitting it.... "Yeah, I did it. I had an affair." It lacked any emotion, it lacked any feeling, it lacked remorse, and it lacked any thought. I was guilty and I felt it. Me owning it.... "I did have an affair, and I want our marriage to work. I know what I did was wrong. I understand the betrayal and I am so sorry I hurt you like this. You did nothing to deserve this." Owning it also has a lot to do with "why". Figuring out why this happened, what was lacking in the marriage, and then addressing that. Without addressing the problem, you are setting yourself up for another fall.
Admitting it is just like saying, "Yeah, I did it, so big deal." Owning it is saying, "I am sorry and I know that I have a lot of work to do in order to make our marriage work if you give me the opportunity to prove to you how much I really do love you."
I think you do love your husband, hence the feeling and emotions surround his infidelity. But now you also know how he feels. It's not fair... As specialmom said, two wrongs do not make a right. If this marriage is going to have a chance, both of you have to be willing to do your parts. It is a lot of work and it requires you to take a good honest look at the marriage itself, but more importantly it requires us to take a real good, hard, honest look at ourselves. For me, that was the difficult part. I had always been honest to a flaw... brutally honest, and everyone in town knew me and appreciated me for my honesty. If you asked me my opinion, you were going to get it without me cutting corners. It was going to be direct and without any sugar coating. Now, I was a liar and a cheater. I had to own that. The reputation that everyone in town knew me by was gone.... broken completely. Nobody did it to me, I did this to myself.... harsh, eh? Not only does my wife have to live through this, but so do my children. They also knew me as direct and brutally honest, now they see me as the liar and cheater that I had become. That hurts.... it stings every time I think of it. Everything that I had ever held close to my heart, I had put aside..... it was self destruction at its finest. I had all of the control, but at the same time I was totally out of control. Fraught with guilt.... miserable to say the least, and looking at the hurt that I caused my beautiful wife and beautiful children was almost too hard to look at. Looking at my friends was almost as hard, and even now there is not the acceptance amongst my friends as there once was.... it probably won't ever be like it was. It can't be. The playing field is different now. The most important lesson involved here besides humility is forgiveness. You have to be willing to forgive yourself, learn from those mistakes in order to move forward, and be willing to forgive your husband.
Now, the decision is yours. Can you do all of the required work? Are you willing to do what it takes? Can your husband do all of this too?
Communication is the key, and honesty has to stand in front of all things here and now. A good therapist would be a big help to address any undiagnosed mental conditions and to help accommodate each other by acting as a mediator. A therapist will be able to understand both of your stories and help explain that to your spouse and vise-versa. Also, a good bit of reading about infidelity might be of assistance. You'll be amazed at how many stories are like yours, and you will be able to see the success stories and even the down falls. There is an abundance of information out there and it can all be beneficial.
Good luck, and know that this will take a lot of time and patience.
Thank you for your advice. That is where I am very confused is the love I have for my H. We have been seperated for a year now. When we are together alls I c is him with her. One minute I want our marriage to work but than whenever I go into town I c her and it brings back all the anger I have. She moved just two blocks away and her cousin moved two houses down. I feel like I have been hit by a truck! My emotions are all over and I don't know how to control them. Nonetheless my kids are still friends with her and bring her up in conversations and it is really hard for me. I do own what I have done and he does own what he has done. I have not spoken to the other man for two days now. It has been a real struggle for me as I have noone to talk to as my family has turned on me.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Sounds like it has been a chaotic year and one resulting in much inner turmoil. Your emotions must be all over the place.
I think that you have been with another man and continue to have contact with him puts you in a position that doesn't sit well with me. You know you did the wrong thing. If your marriage was unhappy-------- a "phone relationship" in which you were left handling all the day to day things ---------- you should have either worked on changing the dynamics of the relationship or gone the route of seperation and then divorce before attaching yourself to another man. That puts you in the wrong no matter what excuses you have for why it happened. Your family is upset over it and that is understandable. It is seperate from what your husband has done and you really need to own it. How do you make it better now?? Well, you still follow through on either working on the relationship via counseling, major changes, etc. (and NOT having any further contact with the man you've been cheating on your husband with) OR go ahead and formally seperate and then divorce. I would NOT date the other guy until you are divorced. It might make your kids feel better and really----------- relationship hopping is the quickest way to ruin any chances of real happiness. Those that go from one man to the next never do any soul searching to figure out what went wrong in the previous relationship, what THEIR part was in the problems, etc. You really have to do this to grow and eventually find a better relationship than the one you stumble on out of convenience while still married.
So, what do you want? Do you love your husband?
I get that I should be bashing him for cheating. Two wrongs do not make a right. I think you started the process of disrespecting the vows of marriage you two took and he followed your lead. Again, two wrongs don't make a right and it is inexcusable. But if he can get over your unfailfulness then you should try to get over his encounter. If you love him and want to work on the relationship.
So, do you?
I think that you have been with another man and continue to have contact with him puts you in a position that doesn't sit well with me. You know you did the wrong thing. If your marriage was unhappy-------- a "phone relationship" in which you were left handling all the day to day things ---------- you should have either worked on changing the dynamics of the relationship or gone the route of seperation and then divorce before attaching yourself to another man. That puts you in the wrong no matter what excuses you have for why it happened. Your family is upset over it and that is understandable. It is seperate from what your husband has done and you really need to own it. How do you make it better now?? Well, you still follow through on either working on the relationship via counseling, major changes, etc. (and NOT having any further contact with the man you've been cheating on your husband with) OR go ahead and formally seperate and then divorce. I would NOT date the other guy until you are divorced. It might make your kids feel better and really----------- relationship hopping is the quickest way to ruin any chances of real happiness. Those that go from one man to the next never do any soul searching to figure out what went wrong in the previous relationship, what THEIR part was in the problems, etc. You really have to do this to grow and eventually find a better relationship than the one you stumble on out of convenience while still married.
So, what do you want? Do you love your husband?
I get that I should be bashing him for cheating. Two wrongs do not make a right. I think you started the process of disrespecting the vows of marriage you two took and he followed your lead. Again, two wrongs don't make a right and it is inexcusable. But if he can get over your unfailfulness then you should try to get over his encounter. If you love him and want to work on the relationship.
So, do you?
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