I have a desire to cheat on my girlfriend.

[nuts99]

hi, I have been with my girlfriend for a couple of years and we are having problems. I have the desire to have sex with other women. I thought when we first got together that she would have the same idea because she said she was bi and I hoped that we could do it together (threesomes) but it turns out that she's never actually had sex with another woman and that she's only ever come across one woman that actually turned her on. she wants to make me happy but can't deal with me having sex with anyone else. I want to make her happy but have this urge that plagues me.
  I thought that it was because for most of my life I had a terrible sex life, due to being so worried about what others thought of me. I'm totally over all that now was thinking that if I went and shagged around a bit, it would get it out of my system and I can settle down to a monogomous relationship but I was researching on the web and found that humans, on the whole, aren't naturally monogomous (and that hardly any animals actually are - even most of the ones they thought had life long monogomous partners turned out to have sex with others behind their partners back) and there seems to be a genetic advantage to non-monogomy. This leads me to think that I don't have a sexual problem and that my urges are completely natural and therefore aren't likely to go away.
  what are we to do?

[specialmom]

Oh no.  I have similar conversations with my boys regarding ponds and roads!!  I have some of the issues with them as you had with Dilly and Daffy.  LOL  They both still have their legs though . . .

[teko]

LOL, No I never swam in the pond and it was something that eat his legs off and he died as a result! Poor Daffy! Dilly ended up getting hit by a car. She just never listened, I told he to stay out of the road!

[penswriter]

I had two cats (Sylvester and Miss Kitty) who were monogomous. Yes the reproduced, had little bitty kittens and were completely devoted to each other. Miss Kitty passed on when she was 20 and Sylvester went a few days later (He was a few weeks shy of 21). When she died he was so sad and depressed, he just died.

Not all animals just hump, hump, hump. Even though like Teko...the dog I have now humps everything. o_0

[specialmom]

Passionflower------------  I like it.  Teko-------------- I really like it.  And I want to know what is in your "pond" that is fond of eating ducks. .  . do you swim in there?  LOL

[teko]

But then I had a dog one time that humped everything in sight! Stuffed toys, visitors legs, etc.... So, I guess it just goes to show, it goes both ways eh? :)

[teko]

I had two ducks one time. Daffy and Dilly were inseparable. One day Daffy got eaten by something in the pond (poor Daffy), but Dilly never did find another mate altho she was subjected to many males. Even my duck was monogomus, so yeah there are those even in the lesser animal forms that only have one mate for life. Just thought I would thro that in there! :(

[PassionFlower09]

OK, you need to read, "The Moral Animal", by Robert Wright. It will explain to you why you have these urges(long version according to Darwin). But in short, I will tell you that you are simply behaving like a  "primitive" monkey/peacock/ you name the Male animal.

These "completely natural urges" that you are having are simply you wanting to have sex with other women and not be in a monogamous relationship;several thousands of years ago when these  "completely natural urges" were normal and acceptable, animals, humans and etc were spreading their seed and copulating with multiple partners because of environmental threats and fear that their offspring will not survive and be dominant. Males and females were fighting for resources and dominance.  

Thanks to evolution, most people have progressed. Statically the average family size has decreased. Even when the average family size was larger, after a certain point in modern society, men were not impregnating women and running off for the purpose for purpose of gaining dominance and spreading their seed.  This is the purpose of those  "completely natural urges"  in the times you speak of .

NOTICE: I have differentiated you as behaving like a primitive being- because yo don't have to .
So this is not a judgment, this is just a behavior that you have learned and need to unlearn-you need to evolve moderately with many of your same gendered cohorts.

Don't cheat on your girl friend. Be honest with her. We are not animals- really. She may not be happy, but she will at least respect you for being honest.Unless she reads your post, she won't know what you really think and feel about this matter.

Based on your comment, "I was steered here thinking it was a place I could ask for professional advice". I would say that you just wanted to cause a furor : An outbreak of public anger or excitement. You simply wanted a response to a provocative question.

I think you do need conspicuous "professional advice". You may find that the driving catalyst behind your "question" is that you are a amorous narcissist (or maybe any of the 5 classifications of NPD) or just someone who is MISAPPROPRIATING the TIME and AIR of someone who really wants  and needs help.

[Ashelen]

it's natural for animals (and humans who are ruled by their baser instincts) to not be monogamous....but aren't we higher mammals? don't we have the ability to make choices based on thought processes involving all consequences involved?

monogomy is the result of society's development of a system that protects the gene pool and the interactions between individuals. it's an evolution. sure, if you want to be the equivalent of a non-evolved human, you can say "i just can't keep my urges in control" but...that means you have a problem, not an excuse.

good luck getting that to work for you in society that uses monogomy within a relationship to define relationships and the way people interact with one another.

if you don't want monogomy, just don't be in a relationship, or find someone else for whom monogomy is undesirable or unattainable. simple.

[mami1323]

I agree with specialmom, if you feel like you don't want a monogamous relationship than you need to find a partner who has the same interest as you.  That means, end your current relationship because clearly you are both not on the same page and will wind up hurting your girlfriend in the end when she finds out you've cheated on her.  Try going to swing clubs or find someone who is interested in the same relationship as you.

[specialmom]

BTW, I am serious in the advice to find a partner that is interested in the lifestyle you desire.  If you want an "open" relationship ---------- you should seek someone that has the same view.  I will give you that your pool to choose from will decrease considerably with that parameter but it is not impossible.  If you have no problem with your significant other giving herself to other men and women and you do the same, then it could work.  Otherwise, you will not be on the same page as your partner and one of you will be unhappy.  Where you meet someone with a desire for the same dynamics in their sex life I am not sure-------- perhaps on line.  

Otherwise, you have to approach it like it is that itch Rockrose was talking about.  You either scratch it or you don't. good luck

[specialmom]

Nuts, that is okay.  You are welcome to post here any time.  I think some offered you advice here but in the end, I'm not really sure what you were looking for.  I am not sure what your real question was or if there even was a question.  Your posts left me confused.  

Anyway, this is a community that is member to member.  There are expert forums that might be more of what you are looking for.  Go to the top of this page and click on forums.  Then when it opens--------- go to the right side of the page as that is where "experts" are.  Find your category and see if you find some answers there.  
good luck

[nuts99]

Ok ladies, I got it. Sorry for the inconvenience. I was steered here thinking it was a place I could ask for professional advice. I see now it is just an ordinary forum - my mistake.
yep, forget everything I said, I've found somewhere more appropriate to go to.

[specialmom]

Wait wait wait.  I just remembered that you don't really believe in monogamy which is fine.  You just need to find a partner that is better suited for your choice in lifestyle I guess.  No one here was biased with their personal beliefs but you were not clear as to what you were asking.  

If you do not believe in monogomy-------- be single or find someone that wants to live as you do. If you are trying to be monogomous and struggle with it----------- then go from there.  Guess you need to decide where you stand.  

[specialmom]

Oh, and not sure why you are posting about the animal kingdom as last time I looked in the mirror, I was a hot chick and not a bonobo.  Different animals.

And finally ------------- I guess you can safely say it will be a lifelong itch.  Very similar to Rockrose's perfect analogy of how you'd like to punch some people in the face but know you shouldn't so you control the impulse.  (good one Rock!)

[specialmom]

Got it------------ you do not want to be monogamous and would like to promote that with a website link and all.  Why didn't you just say so vs. acting as though you were seeking advice.  I am not suggesting that being monogamous is the only way to be----------- YOU wrote that you were troubled by your desire to cheat and wanted to overcome it.  You misrepresented yourself here and I responded to how you worded your initial and second post.  

Break up with your girlfriend as I think it will be best for both parties and good luck on your quest.  

[penswriter]

Simply put...there is NO excuse for cheating or having sex outside of a relationship. None. I have zero tolerance for cheating, as does my dh, and if either of us cheated we wouldn't be surprised to be served with divorce papers.

And it's bull that every man wants to just spread his dna. My husband has NEVER had the urge to go out and have sex with other people. He's completely and totally satisfied with just me. As I am with him.

If you want to cheat save her the heartache and break up with her. It's the only kind thing to do. Stop making excuses trying to make being an unfaithful scuz okay. It's not.

If you really want to make it work seek one-on-one therapy and couples counseling.

[nuts99]

look, shishka, I'm after a little constructive advice from someone more intelligent than myself, that has an idea of what is going on. You are giving me advice from your own personal point of view, which is fair enough, but you're not taking into account that your personal point of view is not universal. It is not universal to humans and it is not even universal to females - therefore it is not the way we should be, it is simply a way that some people are but it is not the good and propper way and it is not the bad way either. it is just how some people, like yourself are wired. I could just as easily argue that if my girlfriend respected me and didn't want to loose me, she would focus on our relationship and let me have sex with others. but that would be as biesed as what you say.

[shishka]

I think you are making excuses for yourself to make it ok to be a cheater. If you respect your girlfriend and dont want to loose her, you can focus on your relationship instead of thinking of having sex with others.

[nuts99]

RockRose, I hear what you're saying and it is a bit missleading what my post title reads because I don't really want to cheat on her (lying and going behind her back) but I do want to have sex with other people. I've talked with her about it but there doesn't seem to be much of a solution.
  I'm also mature enough not to act on these desires - I've been not-acting on them for years but they're still there. Are they going to go ever or is it just a lifelong itch that you can't scratch?

[nuts99]

specialmom, thanks - I shall investigate into sex addiction and all that.
I'm middle aged - and have always been this way regarding sex.
I have tons of activities I do, and do a lot of exercise (I'm very fit) and hold up a career - but what you are suggesting with this is that I practice suppressing my desires by concentrating on something else - that is a fair thing to try out.
  but what you say about it being my problem is looking at it from the viewpoint that monogamy is the true way to be. Perhaps it is for you and perhaps it isn't for me in which case, there isn't a true way to be and it is just as much my problem for being non-monogamous as it is my girlfriends for being monogomous.
the following links are just from a quick google of "is monogamy natural"
  http://www.trinity.edu/rnadeau/fys/barash%20on%20monogamy.htm
  http://www.scienceblog.com/community/older/2001/E/200115758.html
  http://www.alternet.org/sex/57724/
  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Value_of_monogamy

here is an interesting extract from: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Promiscuity
In the animal world, some species of animals, including birds such as swans, once believed monogamous, are now known to engage in extra-pair copulations. Although social monogamy occurs in about 90 percent of avian species and about 3 percent of mammalian  species, investigators estimate that 90 percent of socially monogamous species exhibit individual promiscuity in the form of extra-pair copulations.[19][20][21]
Two examples of promiscuous animals are the primates chimpanzees and bonobos. These species live in social groups consisting of several males and several females. Each male copulates with many females, and vice-versa. In bonobos, the amount of promiscuity is particularly striking because bonobos use sex to alleviate social conflict as well as to reproduce

it is interesting to note that the chips and bonobos are our closest evolutionary cousins.

[RockRose]

nuts,  this is the point where you break up with your girlfriend.  When you want to have other relationships - LOTS of them it sounds like - it's time to break up.

BTW,  I totally agree with you about men not being naturally monogamous.  I believe that women are,  but men aren't.  Cruel trick played on all of us by the Gods.

When you're mature enough to be overcome your urges then you can get married and have children.  Until then,  do whatever you want but don't cheat,  end the relationship.

I mean,  we all want to punch people in the face occasionally, and we don't do that,  do we?  You just have to be mature enough to not act on your hormones later in life to be successfully married.

[specialmom]

Nuts, that is nuts.  Many men desire mature loving relationships that don't require them to mess around with multiple women.  This is a problem within you and lets not apply it to all men and their instinctual desires because that won't help you.  That makes an excuse for it rather than trying to work on it.  All of that other stuff is BS and irrelevant to the problem (if I can be blunt with you.).

I am glad you see this as a problem for yourself and that is how we are able to solve things.  I don't know how old you are and that would be helpful.  I like to think of people as evolving and this is a good thing.  That means that we can see who we are and take steps to improve ourselves (which we all can do).  Now----------  I wonder if now is the time to be in a monogamous relationship for you as you are struggling so.  You seem to care for your girlfriend and don't want to hurt her which is good--------- but you will hurt her if you cheat.  So if you can not control that, I think you have to try a period of just being her friend. If you decide to try to remain faithful, I think you take that seriously and wake up every day telling yourself that you will do so.  Try not to put yourself in tempting places or situations.  You can think whatever you want but not doing it is the key.  

How busy are you with other things?  I'm dead serious.  Do you have a career or are you working on extended education for a future career?  Do you have a particular exercise that you enjoy--------- are you a runner or play soft ball or basketball with the guys?  I'd amp up your life with these things as they are "doing" something and thus you will be less consumed with sex outside your relationship.

My other thought for you is therapy.  Because as I said I don't know how old you are------ but if this is coming to the point that you are obsessing about it----- you fall into a category that is outside of normal.  Many men are happy to have a mate and be with just them.  The fact that you don't is not your ancestral history but a bit of a glitch in the thinking.  Do you use sex appropriately or is it like a drug----------  do you see where I am going?  You seem like you are at a high risk for sex addiction and you do NOT want to go there so handle it aggressively now.  

And you might now want to drag your girlfriend through all of this while you work on it.  
Good luck and I mean that.  You can do this---------  you'll just have to work a little harder than others.  

[nuts99]

I think the trouble is, that I'm torn between nature and nurture: naturally, men have a desire to spread their DNA far and wide whereas the female has the desire to be impregnated by the best specimen of male around. There are also the built in desires to bring up the children, protect the females from rivals, bring food, etc... exactly what is a built in program for humans is up for debate but for me, it feels like I am naturally non monogomous.
  when it comes to nurture, I have met a lot of people and had a lot of friends at various points but every so often I've come accross the odd person that I've really clicked with, though it's very rare, and my current girlfriend is one of them so it would be a massive loss to loose her as I may not find another like her again.
  to say that when I meet the right girl my other desires will vanish is not likely to be the case with me - I've been in love a few times and it's not changed anything. I don't want to live like this, if there's a way to get rid of my desires, i want to know what it is.

[teko]

I dont pretend to know what is "normal", but I would hope it is not the image that comes to my mind which is everyone out there "rooting or humping everything in sight". I would hope there is more to life than that. I say cut the girlfriend loose and have a party!