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I left my husband for another man... i dont know what to do?
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I left my husband for another man... i dont know what to do?

I left my ex-husband,together for 7 years and married for 3 years, for another man. We have 1 child together and we worked at the same place, but in different areas, i fell in love with one of my co-workers and left my ex-husband for him. Me and my ex-husband had alot of problems, he never beat on me or our kid, but never showed any kind of emotion towards me like i needed, only when he wanted something. Sex was only when he felt like it. And never pationate sex, just quicky sex. He had a gambling problem and its only gotten worse. I tried talking to him about how i felt and he never cared. He always brushed me off. He treated me like a child. I guess because i met him when i was 14 and started dating when i was 15. he is 7yrs older and kind of treated me like his daughter sometimes. Dont get me wrong we had fun and life was good for a little while. But i started to hate him, we always faught, i never was right in his eyes, and he always made me feel like dirt. I met someone that had the same dreams i did and was very pationate and all that good stuff... i fell head over hills for him. So i left my ex-husband, and it was a horrbile divorce. He found out about the guy i had been talking to and i know it hurt him. I feal so horrible about how it went down. Just so you know i never touched the guy while i was with my ex-husband. I did have conversations with him that i shouldnt have, but never touched him. The day i left my ex-husband i went straight to the guy im with now. I ended getting pregnate about 5 weeks after leaving my ex-husband by this other man. This other man is now my fiance' and we have one kid together. I love him alot, but i have so much hurt from the divorce and how it all went down, and what i did to my ex, that i feel like screaming sometimes. Im not a person to hurt anyone, and i did. Even though we were falling apart i should have never talked to another man, and never should went to my fiance while i was still married but seperated. I cant talk to anyone about this. What do i do? I am ate up with guilt and some regret and in a relationship now with another child. Do you think my first son will hate me for leaving his dad the way i did? im sure he will find out the story eventually, he is only 4 now. I feel like my fiance and i relationship started off wrong and thats why we have the problems we have. When he got with me his Ex-wife jerked his 8yr old daughter away because she was one of those jealous ex wifes. They had been divorced for 8 years and she still did that. Ever since then him and his daughters relationship has suffered, and its all because i came into his life. I think he blams me, even though he says he dont. He get real depressed over it and i feel horrible cause i cant do anything. My fiance is a very moody person and gives me the cold shoulder alot and gets me real depressed. i guess im writing this whole story for some advice. What do i do? how do i deal with all these emotions i have inside about the past and now. It has been 2 and a half years since i left me ex and i am still ate up over it. he was my best friend and one point, and my life ended up life some dam tv show. How did this happen? im not this kind of person? what will my babies think of me? what does god think of me????????? what do i do?
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Avatar_m_tn
hello ma'am.. i read each n every word of urs... all i can say i can understand wht u going thorugh.. the tussel between guilt,life, reality,emotions, ... my story is pretty much same as urs... though at milder level in some context that i m not married yet... the difficult aspect n the most depressive aspect is that my first love has been always loyal to me... i have no solutions for u as of now.. all i can say is i DO UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS.. n i will pray for god that HE do whts best for all of u... take care ma'am...
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134578_tn?1404951303
I don't think it is unjustified to leave a gambler who is selfish and controlling.  Maybe you could talk to a pastor or a counselor and at least straighten out that part in your mind, so you won't be letting the guilt rule you.

As for your son, he probably will not hate you.  Are you there for him and a loving mom?  That's pretty much the sum total of what a child wants from a parent.

Regarding your fiance, I would definitely try to get counseling over your issues, so they won't boomerang into the relationship with him.  You don't want him to get the idea that you blame him for your leaving your ex.  It's really too bad you didn't have a while of independent life between the men, but the baby is going to make that impossible now.  It sounds like you have four important reasons to decide to get past your guilt -- your son, your baby, your fiance, and yourself.  Please see where you can get some help in talking this over.  As I said, a pastor or minister is often a good place to start if you have no other resources.
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Avatar_f_tn
i guess what makes things worse is when the day i left him was probably one of our better days. We werent fighting at the time. i just thought about everything that happend all all our fights and decided i was done and wanted to be with the other guy. Like i said when i left i went strait to my fiance and hid it from my ex-husband. I just told him i was done and needed to go. My ex- tried to get me to come back, flowers, cards, etc. But everytime we would talk about our problems and why i was mad, he would basically do the same ****, tell me i was wrong, i was over reacting, yell, scream and call me names. Then 5 minutes later he would say he loved me. I knew he wasnt going to change. About 4 days after i left, i went to go talk to him at our house we had together and things got real heated. He started yelling and screaming, my son was in the front seat playing with the radio, i tried to get into the car to leave and my ex came after me and my son. We fought for a few minutes(no fist just pushing and pulling), then he threw me down, to were i couldnt get back up fast enough to get to my son, he grabbed my son and and ran into the house. He locked himself up in the house and i had to call the police, they couldnt make him give him back to me because their were no papers from court yet. Basically possesion is 9/10ths of the law. Well i cried and begged and he still wouldnt let me get my son, so i left to my moms house. Talked to her and told her i had to go back to him because he was threatning to run away with my son. So i told him i would try to work it out with him, i went back to the house that night. He ended up locking me in our master bedroom, my son was on a pallett on the floor, he pushed the bed against the wall and wouldnt let me have my phone or touch my son or i had to leave. He said if i wanted to be there i had to stay in the room with him and couldnt go anywere. The whole night he tried to get me to have sex with him, he keep touching me and trying to take my clothes off. I was terrified. I was there because i couldnt stand the thought of leaving my son with him. Finally morning came around, he let me out the room, then procceed to try and have sex with me. he keep forcing his self on me. Finally i told him i had to go to the restroom. I got my phone and told my mom please come get me cuz she had my car, i couldnt do it.  I waited outside with my son till she got there, and i left him for good. I couldnt believe he did what he did to me. After him taking my son and touching me like that i knew that was it. He never wanted to help me with our son, never changed diapers, never went to the doctors office but yet thought he deserved him. BULL.  I felt like i was being molested by my own husband that night. I guess i told you all this to explain how much i have going on inside. So much hurt, anger, guilt, it ended up HORRIBLE . I havent even told my fiance the whole story. It kills me inside to think of all this and have no out. No one to talk to. I think about it sometime... Should i have tried harder for my marriage? and the answer is yes. i probably could have done more, i was just so tired of everything. You know my ex- told me i should have threatned him that i was going to leave, he said he would of tried if i did that. WTF? i shouldnt have to threatn you, you should of cared when i tried talking to you? right or wrong?
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1006035_tn?1391310794
I'm so sorry you had to endure this. When your son is old enough to understand I don't think he will hate you. If anything he will love you all the more because you put yourself on the line just so he could be safe. It's such a horrible thing to be locked in with no way out. I've been in a similar situation and I hated every moment. You did the right thing by running. What more can you do after he locks you in a room and holds your son over you? It is unfortunate you didn't get any time to recover from this marriage, but keep doing what you've been doing; putting your children first and taking care of yourself. I'd suggest trying to work things out with your fiance, but don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself or belittled. You know better than that.
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134578_tn?1404951303
It's essentially attempted rape, even if he is your husband.  Did you get appropriate legal advice?  I'm glad you're out of that marriage.

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Avatar_f_tn
we got the divorce final early last year, i never really told the story to anyone but my mom and a little of it to my fiance. its a horrible thing i hate thinging of. i just wanted the divorce over and i guess because i felt so guilty for leaving him like i did, i didnt say anything to anyone. He was so mad, and angry at me, he really lost it. He threw alot of low blows at me, but taking my son and then locking me up was the final straw.
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134578_tn?1404951303
Well, for one thing, I'd tell the whole story to your fiance.  If nothing else, you need a witness to tell your son, if ever he needs to know, when he is an adult.  (If you are not around.)  But also your fiance deserves to know the traumas you have been through, or else he will be unable to put your behavior into its proper perspective.
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Avatar_f_tn
i want to talk to him, but see he has a little depression himself. His daughter was his whole world, he had every at least 2 or 3 times a week...if not everyday. Then when his ex found out he had a girl she took her away for a whole YEAR and made her hate him. Telling her lies. Now we get to see her again and things are a little better but we only see her a few times a month. He gets so sad, he misses her alot. I feel bad, becuz of me, he lost his daughter. Even though i didnt do anything wrong and his ex would of done it with any other girl he got with...i still hate what happend to him. He gets depressed over that, he has alot mood changes. One day we are so madly in love and the next day he wont even look at me. It kills me inside. In the beggining i would cry and get so depressed when he would do thing like that. Now i try to just be normal and wait till he feels better.I start to think he does it for other reasons than missing his daughter. I think maybe he might want out or someone else...thats when i start going crazy. Ive told him time and time again to not give me the cold shoulder , ignore my calls or text, or give me that "short talk"...but he keeps doing it and he always says the same thing..."i miss my daughter". Im to the point where i cry all most everyday. But like i said when he is happy,,,, our life is awesome! im so confused, hurt...everything wrapped into 1 :(
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134578_tn?1404951303
Tell him anyway.  It's not your fault, what happened, and it's not your fault your fiance is depressed.  He deserves the truth about you, and you should stop hiding things from men and taking them into yourself in hopes of making all OK all the time.  Incidentally, once you are married, he should fight for custody.
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Avatar_f_tn
have custody of both my kids...
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks for all your advice. i think its time to talk about all this stuff with him and maybe a counselor or sumthn. i dont wana be unhappy
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Avatar_f_tn
hmmm...complicated story...my dear....u left a gambler which is not a bad thing...your child with your x...just make sure you see him all d time and av a good relationship with him......when hes old enuf...am sure he'll understand your actions.
let me point out your mistakes...when in a situation like dis...u dnt just go ahead with the next person you meet...no matter d similarities u both have..u need to take ur time and heal 1st and let ur emotional state be in the right frame..so u make the right choice.
your fiance..you need to be very understanding with him...cos he is going through alot now...dont get upset at him...just continue to support and be there for him and keep talking to him and also pray..there is nothing God cant do.
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you ! Of course i have my baby all the time and my 4 yr old lives with me and i have custody. My ex sees him every now and then. Like i said his gambling is pretty bad now. My fiance is a great man its just hard for me to deal with the mood swings, and sumtimes i feel like its for other reasons then what he says. Well see i guess. thanks for all yalls help. Feels good talking about. After all this time ive never been able to tell the whole story
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Avatar_f_tn
I see a few things here. If I may be honest with ya. First of all, you been with this first guy since the age of 15? You were a mere child with no skills as to how to handle a man other than to submit to him.  You fell into a pattern of submission and he took the father role. Chuck that one to inexperience and ignorance. He sounds like a controller moreso than a mate. A boss, father figure if you will. So, that is not your fault as it was bound to fall apart under those circumstances.

He has laid the guilt on you because you take it and carry it and he knows it. He has done nothing to admit to his part in the failure of your marriage.

BUT! You got emotionally involved with someone else who also has baggage and jumped from one relationship right into the other one. That was dumb! Now he doesnt have his kid because of his own actions I might add, but you are willing to take the blame for that as well? Last I heard it takes two? There are also red flags in this relationship and if you do not open your eyes and take a good look at reality, you will be singing the same song as you did with the first man in a mere few years.

It sounds like you are your own worst enemy in your choices you are making. What you needed to do when you left the marriage was to get out on your own and live a little and get yourself together. You are in a cycle of making one bad choice and then realizing maybe it was not wise but what to do about it now.

You need counseling for starters to understand why you tolerated such a controlling person, and why you jumped in with another emotional relationship before ending the other. Can you not see yourself living without a man? Until you learn to stand on your own two feet you will forever be like a feather in the wind, being blown this way and that way emotionally. Consequences of our own decisions is not fun, but until we learn to think differently (with the brain), and not the emotion of the moment, this will continue.

There is enuff blame to go around in this whole situation. No one party is innocent. Guilt is useless but some eyes wide open moments will better your life down the road. You say this guy is moody? Red flag! Next thing ya know you will be feeling guilty for all his problems too! Because you will let him lay it on you. He is a big boy and is accountable for his own life and consequences of his own actions. He cant put that on anyone else, just like you cannot nor can your ex.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi,  I'm sorry you are suffering.  Life is full of regrets and things we'd like to take back.  We all have that but to different degrees.  

Here is what I'd like to see you do.  I'd like to see you see a therapist for yourself.  Not couples counseling at this point but for you.  I think it would help you to examine your previous marriage-------- what was wrong, why you stayed as long as you did, why you acted out by having an affair when you are clearly suffering about that choice.  As many reasons as you give for the bad marriage, you still feel terrible for the infidelity.  I think you were pacifying feelings and that is why you are having difficulty with your current boyfriend.  Sometimes when something starts for the wrong reason (a band aid to an unhappy life) it never gets a strong foundation.  I just think going to a professional to work on you is your best course of action that will benefit your whole life and that of your child's.  I'd talk to the therapist about depression and anxiety as I guess you have some of this as well.  

Whether things work out with your current boyfriend or not, I don't know. But I would put the breaks on any further steps in the relationship until you can work out your emotions.  And I think a therapist would be excellent for helping you do that.

I wish you peace of spirit.  We all make mistakes------- all of us.  good luck
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134578_tn?1404951303
When I said "once you are married, he should fight for custody," I meant he should fight for custody of his daughter.  I know you have custody of your kid, I was concerned about his sadness at the loss of his daughter.  Why did he just let his ex take her?  Is it because he thinks he cannot get her back if he is living with you?  I would certainly encourage him to make definite plans to try to get her back.
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Avatar_f_tn
I second teko. As far as his daughter is concerned...look at it from a mothers perspective (not the using her but the end, taking her away) I sat back last night and thought, if I were the girls mother and her father gets another woman who just left her husband pregnant after 5 weeks and essentially, if only emotionally, helped her have an affair, do I want my child around that. My answer was absolutely not. I would have taken the child away and fought for sole custody.
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Avatar_f_tn
we did fight for his daughter and all the courts did was change his vistation days to his off days and make him pay double the child support. we fought for her the whole year she was gone. cost me my whole savings(13000) plus i was paying for my lawyer still. Court system is slow and dont always work. About his ex-wife... she didnt not know me from adam... she didnt knwo my pat or anything. She hated me because i was a white lady with a mexican man, and to her thats not allowed. She seen me and my step daughter out one day and flipped because my step daughter told her she really liked me. I did make a mistake jumping from one relationship to another but i am not a bad person. Ive worked since i was 15 and have always supported my self and dont have to have a man, i want one. I love the family life, i didnt have that when i grew up. His ex-wife is horrible and im not saying this because she is his ex. She tells my step daughter horrible things that is not true. She makes her call my fiance and say mean things (u can hear his ex in the back ground) my step daughter calls back crying saying she wants to leave and her mom made her say that...which we already knew. We never speak ill of her mom, and tell her sometimes people get mad and say mean things but that doesnt mean she is a bad person. In reality she is 38 years old and should know better to act like that, how could a mom treat a child like that. My step daughter know the truth but cant say what she feels because her mom either grounds her, breaks her phone, or keep her away form us... Or sometimes all the above. We fought and fought for her...the courts just gave her a slap on the hand and she doesnt care. She thinks she cant be touched.
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Avatar_f_tn
Oya, my fiance ex-wife ...the reason they got a divorce was because she cheated on him all the time and was always clubbing. He wanted to settle down and be serious and she didnt want to. So they divorced. My fiance had his daughter all the time, his ex wife was always gone messing with alot of men and drinking. My fiance payed child support, plus daycare, bought all her clothes and anything else she needed plus had his daughter the majority of the time even though he wasnt the custodial parent. His ex wife didnt really care, she would stay gone for days at a time. Then she finds out that he is in a relationship she acts like mom of the year. He never really dated since their divorce only a few times. So when she realized he was with sumone she knew she wasnt the main focus anymore. She has even tried to get him back. She is nuts!
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973741_tn?1342346373
Now see, everyone is on a completely other track than I am.  So I am going to repeat myself to be heard.  LOL  I think what you need to do is actually look into taking care of you.  You have a lot of internal struggle and outside drama with ex's and fiance's ex's and etc. that I almost get the impression you can't think straight about it all.  I think you need to see a therapist solo and do some work.  You need to know why you stayed with a man that had significant issues, why you are having issues in your relationship now and what you can do to move forward.  This is what is within your control. The rest isn't and will hold you back from doing what really needs to be done which is address what is going on with YOU.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
thanks. ive got to do somthing. i cant stop crying and my heart litterally hurts. me and my fiance are having a rough time, i dont even know why. he ignores my calls and text messages, when i finally get ahold of him he says he was busy or sleeping. yet i look at the phone bill, he was texting other people and talking to other people, the only person he ignores is me. this has been going on for almost the whole relationship. He always says it becuz he misses his daughter. If he is depressed then why does he talk and text and laugh with everyone but ME. How can one day we be so in love and he tell me everything a woman loves to hear and the next do stuff like this? i dont understand. why is this happening to me? i have gave him all the love and support a woman can possibly give. ive catered to him, done things for him that ive never done for any one else. sometimes i think he does this to push me away because he knows how upset i get. :( do you think he wants out of the relationship?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Listen and hear me.  I don't know about him.  I hear a bit of desperation in the way you write.  This is one of the reasons why I think you need to see a therapist on your own.  Why are you going here?  YOu were in a dysfunctional relationship and this one doesn't sound much better.  You are questioning if he even wants to be in it.  You put a band aid on your old relationship with this new one.  You've never been alone having met your ex at a young age. I think it is time for you to find out who YOU are.  

And I do think you are suffering from depression with anxiety.  You are having racing thoughts and emotional reations to everything. Your response to his being inattentive to you and "ignoring you" your whole relationship is not a natural one. Ya know?  

I wonder if you are afraid to be without a man and why?  I think you really have much much to explore with a psychologist and I strongly suggest you do so to get things back on track.  With or without this current boyfriend.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
thank you
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Avatar_m_tn
i am so thank ful to have read this i want to re read it     thanks
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Avatar_f_tn
i believe life is about choices
and when you r thinkin about making a family, thats like when, for me, you have to choose veryyy well
because, you need a man that have values, that is not moody, not agressive, abusive, etc
if you choose an abusive man, yo ur faded to misery
my opinion
i dont want never to have a problematic man in my life, and being a father to my kids
this is like hell to me, i picture it as HELL
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Avatar_f_tn
plus, if you are unhappy, leave this man also
and choose better next time..
instead of having kids with the first man that gives u a thrill
you dont know them very well
people fake
you need to experience living with a man before marrying
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