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Avatar universal

I miss my adult children

What would be considered a healthly amount of interaction per week with my adult children?  I seem to be doing most of the contacting...but don't want to interfere with their busy schedules so I call them approximately once every two to three weeks.  I am so lonely for them though...and wonder if I am just going through mid life crisis.  One of them is 32 and has been out of the house since he was 19, is married and has two children and the other is 26 and has been on her own for 4 yrs.  You'd think I'd be over the emptly nest syndrome by now.  

As I observe those around me - it seems their adult children contact them alot.  I guess I have been using my observations as to what is a healthy relationship with adult children. I find myself comparing my situation to theirs and feel that I am coming up short. Perhaps it is because their kids are local and live closer and both of mine live out of state. With all the technology, it is pretty easy to communicate regularly though.  I would like to believe they are just busy, healthy, happy, & productive and that we did our job well and they don't "need" us. But I want them to "want us".  I figure there must be something I can do to attract them.  A little voice in the back of my head says "they don't enjoy being with me" and I want them to.  Any suggestions?
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Avatar universal
Hello all
Have never responded to something like this but completely understand and am in the same circumstance. On top of that we sold our lake property, which I did not want to do and considering moving to a warmer area of Canada to retire in -5years. I am very depressed, anxious and really struggling to function. How do you go on and enjoy life again or is it just never the same. So much regret and pain....
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Hello, welcome to the forum.  Mom to mom, I feel ya.  My boys are still at home with me but I fear down the road feeling terribly sad and lonely.  Hopefully, I will see a way to forge a new chapter in my life.  So, what do you like to do for yourself?  I have certain things that do give me pleasure.  I like to garden, read, cook, care for people.  So, I hope to find a capacity to do that more when I am in the position of empty nester.  Might join a book club, garden club or have the best darn garden on my own block (which it so is NOT now), learn to bake which I've never felt good at, exercise at a gym on a regular basis, find someone older than me even that I can help do things for.  I am trying to look ahead at these things.  But I really know what a life hanger it can and WILL be.  Id love for you to come back and connect here.  We'll help you through!!  hugs
Avatar universal
Dear thinkingupward- your words expressed exactly how I feel. I have children the same ages as you living very far away. It takes 2 planes to visit my son and my daughter although they live many states apart. My heart misses them every day. I hold in my pain and channel it into sewing or crocheting or even baking. Anything I can make and donate. The loneliness is so deep, my children were my world 24-7. My husband always worked and wasn't around much. I just don't know where I belong. Waiting now a few years until my husband can retire so we can move near one of my children- (if they want us to) I feel like I am waiting to breathe again.
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Avatar universal
It is nice to hear other Moms are dealing with crushing heartache. After my divorce (25 years together) I moved to a warmer climate (in Canada, not an easy thing to do), not terribly far, but far enough to require more than a weekend to visit.  I live in a Vancouver and a good chunk of my day is commuting to work, so I feel too exhausted to go meet new people and build a life for myself. There is also just a tinge of guilt in building a new life that doesnt include them on  a more regular basis.  Its nice to chat via the internet, but Im also not sure if Im being too clingy.  I have asked them about how they feel about my moving, and they insist its fine and I should stop worrying, but I know they are both struggling with stress. Maybe it's just me who needs to feel needed.  I can't imagine any job will be as fulfilling as being a Mom.  How do I give myself permission to find new bliss?
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Avatar universal
I have been sitting up all night missing my children (24 yr old in Baltimore and 22 year old in Illinois). I have been feeling so guilty because I am the one who moved two years ago for a less expensive and warmer life away from the Chicago winters. My girls have been great and we have visited each other a few times. We talk a lot on the phone, but even with all of this, I miss them terribly. It is the close proximity that I wish I had. I keep finding myself longing for the days when they were young, and I kick myself when I think back on those scattered stressful moments in parenting when I wished they would grow up. It was so nice to read all of your comments and to know that I am not alone. We all have different stories and connections with our children, but until they have kids of their own, they will never understand how this feels. I am glad they are independent and have happy lives, but even with my loving husband, I sometimes feel so alone and desperate for more contact with my daughters. You all made me feel less lonely. Thank you for sharing your stories.
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Thank you so much for posting your story!  I moved too - 1600 miles away!  My daughter started college that year (closer to me) and my son moved with me and my new husband to finish high school. Well my daughter graduates in May, and my son has been out of high school for 2 years - he moved "back home" and is working there. I'm very close to both of them, esp my daughter, but I go through these stages of absolute heart ache - missing the "regularness" of their growing up years. Ugh!  It's probably made worse that I live in ND now, having moved from PA. My daughter goes to college in MN. Thanks for listening and sharing!
Avatar universal
I did a search for missing my adult children and found this. It is good to know others share the sadness and grief of that separation. Some children are harder to let go of than others. My youngest always needed me in his life a bit more than the oldest when they got to be young adults. They are 32 and 26 now. The 26 year old had drug and alcohol problems and some emotional illness from 16-24. It was a rough road. He seems to be past all that now and is engage and working full time but now lives 800 miles away. I feel homesick for him and can't help but worry because of the past. My older son is married living about 20 miles away and expecting their first child in a few months. I too miss the days when I was their world. I think I enjoyed being a mom too much. I sometimes wish I was like some women I know who seem happy to have freedom and move right on when their kids leave home.
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I don't have any words of wisdom to share with you, but wanted to let you know I'm right where you are as well. I was a stay at home mom- it was more than a circumstance, it was a calling. Now, I miss them so much, I sob loudly and often. I suppose that is the only perk of being alone- there is no one to hear you cry.  I know my husband needs me, but outside of that I'm having a really difficult time validating my existence. SO- there are at least two of us in this boat!
Ahh, your post saddens me.  That's so hard. mom to mom, what a blessing to have them for the time you did and they are STILL there.  In your heart. And you are in theirs.  Never forget that.  hugs
Avatar universal
We raised 5 kids.

My 21 year old daughter is home from ISU for spring break and she called to let me know that the house that we lived in from the time she was born until 3rd grade was for sale/open house and she was going to go through it and have a look.

She also pointed me toward Zillow where I saw the home listing with pictures.

I have to admit I didn't think it would affect me until I saw those darn pictures of the inside of the house.

4 out of 5 came right from the hospital to that home, took their 1st steps there, posed for Christmas card pictures, learned to ride bikes, birthday parties,swimming parties, broken arms falling off the swing set.

Then I thought about how hard my wife worked to make it a home,

and how hard I worked to make sure that roof was always over their heads.

That is what I miss! The grind.

Oh sure, they are still around but we hardly see them. For the most part they dont want anything to do with us. I get it, I am glad they are turning out to be good adults with their own lives, but there are things I miss very badly.

I miss them relying on us, coming to us with their problems, fighting, snuggling on the couch watching TV. Bright eyes at Christmas. Sad times losing pets and friends moving. What can I say Im selfish. I miss it all.

I knew I would. I have several friends who tell me Im crazy and they are very glad that portion of their life is over. I knew even then I would miss it nad tried very hard to pause to remember even back then.

Anyway, The point in all of this is, your not alone. I will never feel as fulfilled in life as I did for those 20 years. BTW: I also miss being in my 30's I dont think I could do it now that I am in my 50's. Try to remember you did the best job you could. If you didnt, they would still be there mooching off you and you would have a whole new set of problems. I guarantee you would not be missing them too much then.
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Avatar universal
Im new to this community, and am so grateful to have found it.................Im going thru the same thing with my sons. Well at least my 20 year old talks to me ,but his brother who is 25 doesnt and hasnt.  Its very anguishing.
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Avatar universal
I am with you.  My son is 19 and moved out three months ago.  He has become very disrespectful, almost mean.  He doesn't want to come around because he says we aren't nice to his girlfriend.  She's an only child and very possessive.  It hurts me badly because he's always been closest to me.  He was always loving, caring, and his mom was special.  Now I don't hear from him at all.  I am lost.
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Avatar universal
I am so sorry,I too can definitely relate,your story is so like mine.I just retired at 52 and moved clear across country to be w family.What a shock to find my children were not really available.We moved to the boonies on top of it and there is nothing for 30 miles and not extras to run in and out of town.I feel very isolated.Trying to make the best of it. lin
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Avatar universal
My son was so incredibly loving as a little boy and even into his early teens. He is 17 now and acts like I am the enemy much of the time. I am a christian who believes in living according to God's rules and my son has turned his back on most of that. I miss him so terribly and am so grieved by his life choices. I feel like I will never be happy again. I want him to be little again so bad. Back then I felt like a wonderful mom. I read to him and played him with him so much. Now he is gone so very much of the time. I can't seem to find much of anything I enjoy doing. I know I need to get a life and hobbies, but I am so depressed so much of the time that I can't seem to find the motivation.
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I feel the same. I had a wonderful loving son that looked up to me and I enjoyed every min I spent with him. I taught him how to play baseball, we traveled extensively for the sport. We laughed, we cried, and just really enjoyed each others company. When he was 18 he decided he didnt want to play baseball anymore, he wanted to hang with his friends and smoke pot and drink. Shortly after that I caught him smoking and drinking in my house and told the friends to leave. He came at me physically, then he spit in my face and told me he would never love me again and I had lost the love of a son. That was 3 years ago and I still see that vision in my head every day. I think about the scared lonely young boy who just wanted to fit in and how I would do anything to help him on the right path. I am so deeply saddened I don't think I will ever be the same.
Avatar universal
I would gladly be apart of a Mom Team that helps to reshape the culture so that there is no need for feeling abandoned by our children. We have Mom prayer times for Women that are new Mom's and children starting school why not have a adult child prayer so they understand our desires and needs. Prayer is needed and I have not done that. My Son is 34 today and I lost my daughter at 25 6 years ago. I can hardly breathe it is so hard not to hear from my son. I love him and his family but they are really busy and focused on his football career. They are having fun and at my home its just not as much fun as out with their friends. We try to take Christmas vacations away from the house but if its not planned carefully we end up not doing anything fun. I am in on this heartbreaking time and I need support. I am a very busy career Mom but my quiet time hurts. I will put them first if they would let me know when we could have some quality time.
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Avatar universal
The empty nest syndrome is part of the American culture - it is NOT a part of the life cycle but speaks more about the devaluing of older women in this country.  I think it is very sad that so many mothers (and fathers) are cast off and discarded when a child no longer needs them to do things for him or her.  Empty nest speaks more to the selfishness of young adults and a culture that encourages that selfishness by calling it normal or desirable.  A lack of respect and love is not normal for an individual who is an adult.  Americans need to look at the rest of the world to see where older women have important respected roles in families and in society throughout their lives. All those women who feel sad - lonely and discarded after children leave home need to work together to change this country so this cycle of cruelty ends.
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So true Joie5. It is the same here in Australia. As a midwife I see many different families and notice the cultural differences. We have lots of New Zealand Maori families where I live and I notice they stay together far better than we caucasians do. I miss my adult children so much and two of them still live at home. I think I'm just a sook.
Avatar universal
Thank you both for your input.  It is comforting to have a network of those who understand the emotional changes that happen with the transition and to see it through others eyes helps with new perspective.  I have always worked full time, am a licensed minister, real estate investor and run a small non proft that serves the poor in my community. I never really had the mindset or a plan to be able to do something after my kids moved out.  I've done it while they were living with me too.  Fortunately, I have lots of activities that I love to do that keep me busy and lots of venues for social interaction. But first and foremost - I love being with my kids.  "Quality time" is my love language.  In most cases I am completely transparent and an open book.  I have taught classes on conflict resolution, etc, etc....but have held back from talking with my kids because I didn't want them to feel obligated, and/or have another pressure in their lives which would appear as an "expectation".  I don't want them to pursue me out of obligation, but out of desire.  I think I just need to stop defaulting to the thought that their being too busy for mom and dad right now is because they don't want to be with us.  I could never tell them I have felt that way because I don't want to lay a guilt trip on them.  Perhaps it is what it is...they are both healthy, happy, active adults that are trying to balance their lives like everyone else.  I have a mother that lives locally too.  She is 80yrs old. Now that I have come to this season in my life, I have wondered if she and my father felt the same way when I was in my 20's & 30's. It is just too bad we learn some of these lessons so much later in life.  I have a scheduled coffee time at her  house once a week before work now to stay connected.  My father passed away 2 yrs ago so she is living alone now.  Still at 80, she does yoga once a week and maintains her own home.  I am doing most of the pursuing on both ends...with my mom and with my kids :0).  Perhaps I'll just keep doing that until there is a season in their lives when they start coming around more often.  Thanks again.
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370181 tn?1595629445

Epic tomes have been written on the empty nest syndrome. It's very real and it's very, very painful and sad. But it's a part of the life cycle, which doesn't make it any easier, we just have no choice..........except how we choose to deal with it.
There is no "right" or "wrong" amount of time that we should or shouldn't interact with our grown children. And I think to put expectations on THEM because of OUR needs is unfair. My boys are both in their twenties, one is 25, the other, 28. Our oldest son, who is unmarried and just recently returned to finish his college degree, has taken to stopping by a little more often than he use to. Our youngest only manages to make it home for  various holidays and even though I've asked him a million times to just drop an email every once in awhile to let us know he's still alive, well, that falls on deaf ears for the most part.
I spent vast amounts of time just standing in their bedrooms, sobbing with what amounted to grief. I think now I was grieving for the end of a chapter of our life as a family. We would be close, always, but we would now be forever changed. The patterns of our lives as a family and as individuals inside that family, had to rearrange themselves, had to morph into what we would become next. We are still in that process and I think we will be for quite some time. But it's OK. The boys know where their roots are and they are flying very well.
Accepting this massive change in our lives is also a process and if you don't want to get bogged down in the past, become depressed and needy, giving up on life and making yourself a drag to be around, then you need to put on your big girl panties and get a life of your own. Travel with your husband or girlfriends, get a job, volunteer, find a hobby, take some classes, start a book club...........do something you've always wanted to do, something you promised yourself you'd do once the kids were "grown and gone." Well, they're gone! DO IT!
I agree with the above poster that talking to your kids, telling them how you're feeling, what you're going through, would be a great way to begin dealing with your pain. They probably have no idea how much you're hurting.
As a last resort, there is always therapy if you just can't get on with your life. I doubt it will come to that, but it's out there if you need it.
I wish you Godspeed as you travel this path. It's well worn and well marked.
Post to us anytime you need to talk. We''re always here, OK?
Be strong
Peace
Greenlydia  


Helpful - 0
370181 tn?1595629445
Epic tomes have been written on the empty nest syndrome. It's very real and it's very, very painful and sad. But it's a part of the life cycle, which doesn't make it any easier, we just have no choice..........except how we choose to deal with it.
There is no "right" or "wrong" amount of time that we should or shouldn't interact with our grown children. And I think to put expectations on THEM because of OUR needs is unfair. My boys are both in their twenties, one is 25, the other, 28. Our oldest son, who is unmarried and just recently returned to finish his college degree, has taken to stopping by a little more often than he use to. Our youngest only manages to make it home for  various holidays and even though I've asked him a million times to just drop an email every once in awhile to let us know he's still alive, well, that falls on deaf ears for the most part.
I spent vast amounts of time just standing in their bedrooms, sobbing with what amounted to grief. I think now I was grieving for the end of a chapter of our life as a family. We would be close, always, but we would now be forever changed. The patterns of our lives as a family and as individuals inside that family, had to rearrange themselves, had to morph into what we would become next. We are still in that process and I think we will be for quite some time. But it's OK. The boys know where their roots are and they are flying very well.
Accepting this massive change in our lives is also a process and if you don't want to get bogged down in the past, become depressed and needy, giving up on life and making yourself a drag to be around, then you need to put on your big girl panties and get a life of your own. Travel with your husband or girlfriends, get a job, volunteer, find a hobby, take some classes, start a book club...........do something you've always wanted to do, something you promised yourself you'd do once the kids were "grown and gone." Well, they're gone! DO IT!
I agree with the above poster that talking to your kids, telling them how you're feeling, what you're going through, would be a great way to begin dealing with your pain. They probably have no idea how much you're hurting.
As a last resort, there is always therapy if you just can't get on with your life. I doubt it will come to that, but it's out there if you need it.
I wish you Godspeed as you travel this path. It's well worn and well marked.
Post to us anytime you need to talk. We''re always here, OK?
Be strong
Peace
Greenlydia  



ting home in a house that is now too big and too silent, full of the echoes of something we can't help but feel we've lost...........this is an incredibly difficult transition period for everyone. I am reminded of something written on an old fridge magnet that someone gave me when our first son was born. It said "There are only two lasting gifts we can give our children. One is roots. The other is wings."
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1394098 tn?1385960134
I totally understand how you feel.  I miss my kids so much.  My oldest has been out of the house for 5 years and the youngest has been gone for 2 years.  I dont talk to them that much either.  I dont want to bother them because I know that they are busy.  I call my mom once a week.  I dont talk to my kids that often.  Its a weird situation that parents are put into.  We teach our kids to be out on their own while at the same time wishing they would never leave us.  But we know that they have to leave to have full healthy lives. When I do forget to call my mom, its usually because Im really busy or Im really tired. I try to believe that my kids dont contact me for the same reasons.  Recently, I talked to my oldest daughter about this and was just honest that I was happy that they were doing so well but I just get sad because I miss them so much.  She is a very compassionate person and was so sweet about it.  I dont know if it will make her call me more but at least she understands.  And she must have told her sister because I got a hand written letter from my youngest telling me that she loved me and that I was still important to her.  I could hardly read it because of my tears.  I dont know how receptive your kids would be to telling them, but I feel a lot better.  Im still very lonely for them.  Im not sure that empty nest ever goes away for some of us.  Sometimes I text them to see if they are busy before I call them.  I think they appreciate that.  In answer to your question,  I think that its not unreasonable to talk to them once a week or so.  Just dont keep them on the phone too long and keep your conversations as upbeat as possible.  Do you have a Facebook acct?  I look at their walls periodically and make a comment here and there.  As long as I dont embarrass them, they seem to be fine with talking to me that way too. But dont feel alone.  There are a lot of us out here that miss our kids like you do.  I do a lot of praying and I have a kitty that keeps me company. I find that it helps to stay busy.  But I still have times that I cry because I miss them so much.  I hope you feel better soon.  
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2 Comments
I miss my 3 adult children who all passed away in the past 9 years. All in their 50's. Randy at 52 in 2007, Cynthia at 55 in 2013 and Scott at 53 in 2015. All sadly from addiction or alcoholism caused Cirrhosis of the liver.on. It leaves a person with so many "what if's" what if I could have stopped their addiction, what if I had been there to save their lives? I was with Scott in ICU for 12 days before he died, Randy and Cyndy lived out of state when they passed. I miss them every day and find myself often saying their names and asking them where they are. I just want them back.
I'm a Pisces, and i can tell you absolutely, that you're kids are watching you. What they didn't get in life, they get now.  Take some time to light a candle, and write to them how you love them, and listen very carefully for a reply. They can talk to you, but it takes ability to be able to listen and hear them. I hear music from above, and communication that proves that i really am talking to passed loved ones. You can too. But if you can't, please know, YOU HAVE THEM BACK NOW. Moreso than when they were alive, and they are no longer disabled by addiction.
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