I need friends, and not sure what to do

[zoe114]

I am not sure where to start. I am not sure how I am coming across so that I might change, if I am the one that needs to change. I have always felt a since of helping others up to now. I reach out to help but often what I do to help those in need, family or friends, they act like I am supposed to help them and when I need help from them it is not reciprocated. I have loaned money many times and now feel betrayed by those that I helped. So now I will stop doing for everyone. I am nice and friendly, but I also tell it like it is . I don't stand up for myself many times instead I allow others to get to me. Once I was at this one church and I helped this one girl though her bad divorce. She called me up to tell me that her divorce would be final that week. When I saw her in church, I stated that I wanted to say a prayer for her- I did not say anything about her situation because she was in a singles class at a Baptist Church ( very political church) and afterwords, another girl came up to me and said " you are never to say bring up her name again". Oh, course now I just wish I had slapped the crap out of that girl. But instead I just go hurt and angry and will never go back to that church--for other reasons, not just that one girl.
I hurt and I want real friends. How does one find people when your older? I am going through allot right now and need others to talk with. My Mom is starting to have health issues and I feel so alone in thinking of moving to be closer to her in another state. This will take me away from anyone I have known, and further away from any family I have- although they are not really there for me. I just feel so darn alone.    On top of all of this, my hormones are starting to change...help!!        

[zoe114]

Hi Zipperhaed...lol
I hope your doing well. I was shocked to see you were on here so quickly after having an opperation such as yours. What is the condition you have, I have never heard of Chiari . I guess I am google it up. I hope they are able to get the water off of the brain, please do post about what is going on there.

[zoe114]

I guess I had a lesson to learn. Most of these people did not ask for help and have their own issues. So I have learned not to do something for someone that does not ask. If someone ask for help, then I will think about it and decided on how much I will do. I am alright with this. I ran into a nice guy last night who told me he used to do the same things that I was doing and he learned the same lesson. Sometimes, we need to allow the other people to fall on their ***...lol, in order to get back up. I hope that if the girl your going with is right for you, that things work out. I think it is so great that you asked for help about her, many guys won't. You sould like a caring guy and I think she is blessed to have you in her life.

[deadmemory]

I am so happy to have found this forum.. when I found out I had Chiari malformation I thought I was the only one.. then I found MH. I think it was a blessing in disguise.. I talk to another woman who is on the chiari forum.. we actually had surgery the same day.. we call each other the zipperhead twins.. we text each other on the phone and chat all day.. it is awesome!!

[RainLover71]

There are many wonderful people here at medhelp and in the relationships community that you can chat to and be friends with.Alot of the women on here helped me when I was having trouble with my girlfriend when I first joined.Just a suggestion.It appears as though you are doing so much for others and yet they are not there for you.Very said and unfair.

[deadmemory]

I had brain surgery on the 9th of this month and am having some complications.. there is a collection of fluid where the part of my skull was removed and it isn't supposed to be there.. I am waiting to hear back from the surgeon. He is 3 hours away so it is pretty inconvenient... lol. Hope you are having a great day! Feel free to PM me anytime to chat! I am on MH a lot and especially now recovering from surgery I find myself on here way more. Its like a FB for me in a sense, lol.

[zoe114]

What a kind message to get this morning. I have one neighbor that is always telling me how helpful I am to him and how these other neighbors used my kindness and dumped me. I decided not to move at this time. I want to have more time with my Mom and plan to go visit her soon.
Tell me what is going on with you.  

[deadmemory]

I just wanted to check on the poster. I read your posts and my heart goes out to you. Feel free to add me as a MH friend if you'd like. I could talk your ears off for hours ;) no one deserves to feel lonely.. and although you feel like you are now... you're not. Not completely.

I pray all is well with you and I will say an extra prayer for your mom!

Best wishes, God bless

[specialmom]

Well, I'm sorry about your news.  Hopefully it is treatable and she will be alright.  Let us know how it goes.  peace

[zoe114]

You know I just have too much on my plate. I just leanred today that my mom has heart issues and I have no family support. I am scared right now and the family I do have will just want to see what they will get when she passes away.

[specialmom]

Well, I want to say good for you to be actively thinking about and taking steps to improve your life.  That is exactly how you end up doing it which makes me so hopeful that you will overcome that which makes you feel lonely and sad.  

Try journaling.  I haven't done this lately and need to get back to it.  It is wonderful to write down feelings and thoughts and then you can read back on it.  You might see things you don't think of at the time when you re read what you've written.  I have had some ah ha moments this way.  

And a list of things to do is great.  I love that because it is taking action.  It propels us forward to have this list.  Just making it can feel hopeful and empowering.  

I think introverts are very strong people and actually in a better position to be happy than extroverts.  You are lucky to be an introvert.  

Let us know how the list goes!

[zoe114]

Hi, I had a ton of things happen to me that have cause me to feel as I do about others. My neighbors are not interested in me, they are just noisy- really. These are the best of "white trash" that one can find..it is a crazy area to live, a TV show could easily be made based on this neighborhood.
Yes, I can go see my Mom and we can see how it feels. It might be better for her to come this way- in time so she would not be too far from other family. No, nothing has to be decided today, or even next week.
My hormones are way out of whack too right now causing high anxyetiy...it's a new expense this year. I will be asking my doc soon to measure the levels and see what I need to do about that.
I am an introvert. People like me need people, but not too many. We like to keep our "stuff more private". I am talking here because I need to let out some screams. My hope was and still is that others could express their thoughts, suggestions like you and the other poster suggested and some insight as I know when your involved in a situation you can't see things as clear as from the outside.
I think the first thing I need to do is write down some goals, such as excercies and clearing out junk.        
I really thank you for listening and your suggestions.

[specialmom]

Zoe, are you treated for depression?  That can sometimes help very much make a situation better.  Also, is counseling an option for you.

I will say that I understand that you are seeking some anonymity but it is a bit contradictory because on one hand--------  you say that moving would be hard because you know no one there and on the other hand, those that obviously are interested in you such as your neighbors, you are annoyed by.  There is part of you that seems to want people and part of you that doesn't.  This probably causes you to have inner turmoil.  

I don't know what the right answer is for moving but nothing has to be decided today, right?  You can ponder that and come up with a plan.  I would go visit your mom, take some vacation and go for a week or so and see what it feels like.  It might give you some idea if you could handle living there as well as make your mom feel good that you visited.  Win win.

What do you think of seeing a counselor?  What do you think of a week or so visit with your mom?  And are you being treated for depression formally?

[zoe114]

Oh, I am definitely depressed. I feel if I move away that I will miss out on watching my nieces and nephews grow up as well as their kids. But at the same time, if I don't go to my Mom I will lose out on spending more time with her while she is still around...it's very hard on me right now. I feel like I have no one. And I feel like If I do move that I will be forgotten by other family members.
Everyone else in my area has family close by, I don't, they are all at least 3 hours away and I am always the one to go see them. My Mom on the other hand is three states over. She and her husband are older and for them to pack up and move would be much harder on them, but she has stated that she thought that others would come see her where she is at but that has not happened. I am hating where I live because I got to know my neighbors too well and it is like living in an apartment where no one moves out. I mean, I get asked when I get in my car with my dog " what is wrong with my dog" as if I go to the vet each day. I feel like I can't leave my home without someone wondering where I am going- it's crazy!
I started parking in the back and then that made my other neighbor start asking why I was doing that....it's like a prison in my own home.
I have to move somewhere to get out of this junk, I just don't have the answers right now.    
    

[specialmom]

Hi there,  well----  I think water aeorbics is a great idea!!  That way you are actually doing something while with people and you are there with a common interest in mind and things happen naturally in terms of friendship.  Anything like that that you like to do is great.  Weight Watchers too!  I also have been known to eat to appease my moods---   happy, I eat.  Sad, I eat.  Mad, I eat with a vengence.  I have tried to correct that unhealthy relationship with food and view it more as fuel and then have a set schedule of when I CAN eat what I want.  Saturday night is MY night baby----  I eat what I want.  The rest of the week, I am careful to eat healthy and keep the portions in check.  So, I get where you are coming from about food.  And weight can actually be a subconsious protective mechanism.  It's a physical barrier.  So, that is something to think about.

Hon, have you ever thought about counseling?  It might be really helpful to explore your feelings and emotions and trust issues.  And could you have a low level of depression by any chance?  Either way, I think therapy would be something that would be beneficial.  I've been before . . . heck, everyone can use someone to talk to and help clarify things going on in your life.  

I would say that when you get to know someone, you tell them the outside things about yourself.  You don't have to go into your deep thoughts and hurts in life right off the bat.  Just chat and keep it superficial. I always think someone has to 'earn' the right to really know me. And I have to earn it with them ----  and that takes time.

Anyway, sorry you have been hurt but you sound like you are at a crossroads in your life and getting stronger every day!  good luck

[zoe114]

This is to both of you who responded so far. I am sensitive to others needs and your right that I need to stop feeling like I need to rescue others. I have already decided that next time someone is in a bad situation I will respond " I am so sorry your in this position, what are you going to do about it", and if needed I will add, " I really wish I could help you out, but at this time I am not in a good position. "
I feel like something I am doing is turning people off, but it's not all people. There are some people that we hit it off very well and we might not be close friends but we know each other at the business I go to often...you know we all have these associate people we enjoy.
I know I am not happy and I agree I do need to expand myself doing things that would bring happiness into my life. I am over weight and I find myself eating to make me feel better...yesh, I know this is counter productive.
I thought about joining weight watchers, or water aerobics -that would just be fun. I also have another issue is since I have been done wrong by many, I don't trust anyone, so I don't want anyone to get close to me.
I wonder how can I participate in activities without having to tell people anything about me, I need to protect my inner self until I can feel another is not another person that just wants to hurt and use me? I know I am putting a lot out here, it is far better talking on here to strangers.  

[specialmom]

Hi ladies, sorry you are both feeling alone and sad.  I really am.  I can relate to those feelings a bit as I had a period in my life like that.

Zoe, I don't really understand the church story you gave and am just guessing that you publically asked to pray for her and it embarressed her?  Another woman came up to you but not your friend?  I'd have called your friend and asked if she was alright and what the deal was.  

Listen, I don't know what is actually happening, it is hard to say.  I've been in a position before of hearing someone's deep dark problems with their spouse for example and as they stayed together but I knew the truth to the issues they had (and they were serious including financial, cheating, and anger)----  they distanced themselves from me.  They like the appearance of the perfect, happy couple and when someone  knows better----  it makes them feel exposed and uncomfortable.  I see that as their weakness and not mine.  Sometimes when we help people it actually creates an imbalance to the relationship depending on what the help is.  

I think seeing your friends as 'partners in crime' is helpful rather than the rescue role.  This doesn't mean to be cold to them.  But just that your role is to be a friend and not a fixer.  

I also don't know what others are saying to you 'that get to you'.  I can honestly say that once in a while someone will hurt my feelings unintentionally or intentionally but it isn't common.  When I'm down and sensitve, then I see things people say in a hurtful way.  Could you be going through a bad period and misinterpreting things a bit to be negative? I think politely setting a boundary with people always helps.  You can comment back at the time the hurtful thing was said to nip it in the bud.  I'd do it in a way that the relationship can go on and not in a way that makes that difficult "hey, you know that hurt my feelings! (fake laugh inserted here.)  I worked really HARD on making that casserole for you!!"  instead of "that's the last time i make anything for you ya big jerk face".  

I'd add in some activities into your life that are based on things you enjoy.  I joined a book club that is introducing me to some nice  women for example.  Take a cooking class.  Join a gym and exercise.  Etc.

I don't know if you should move by your mom or not.  You'll have to weigh the pros and cons.  Can  you afford lots of visits?  

Well good luck!  Peace

[josie_may]

I know exactly what you mean. I moved from Illinois to Canada so I could give my boys a better life. My husbands is from here and his family is all here but I have noone. I was raised completely different from my husband.  There were alot of drugs in my childhood and none in his. So I feel like I can't try to get close to his family cause I don't want them to judge me or my family. And my whole family has been to prison so they can't cross the boarder so I have not seen anyone in two years and it is killing me. But anyway When I moved here my husband introduced me to a co-workers wife. We really hit it off and for months we hung out but when I got pregnant with my second son and I could not go out and drink so stopped calling. I finally confronted her a couple months ago and she said she would try harder and i agreed to as well. Since then I think I have heard from her maybe three times and she lives right down the road from me. I am going through health stuff right now and I have noone to talk to and I am scared to death but I don't want to worry my family so I don't call and tell them whats going on. And I make light of it to my husbands family cause I don't feel close to them. I try to talk to my husband but I don't want to worry him. Alone is the way I live as well. I told you all this so you know you are not alone. I know it might not help alot but if you want you can talk to me. It might help just to get things off your chest.