I need help! (Father advice)

[Tommy1089]

Hey everyone,

Happened to come along this website while searching the internet on my question i'm about to ask, so i decided to create a account and see if anyone could help and give some advice.

So here it goes,

Recently My girlfriend and i just had a baby boy. He is just about 3 weeks old now.

Back in September of 2014 my girlfriend had cheated on me when she went out with friend and got drunk... . I'm sure you guys know where this is going.  I forgave her for cheating on me and we moved on, everything was going decently after that had happened. After a little while we continued to have a normal sex life and on October 18 she had a missed period, we didn't think much of it at 1st because shes not always regular. Waited a few days... still nothing, so we took a test and what do you know shes pregnant.  Now my girlfriend unfortunately suffers from bi-polar, so that and pregnancy hormones don't mix.

So a few months into the pregnancy her bi-polar and hormones start taking over and she starts telling me this baby isn't mine because she cheated, blah blah.(after baby was born she said she never meant that the baby wasnt mine)  At first i think nothing of it but after hearing it multiple times i start thinking maybe there is a possibly this baby isn't mine.

Now i stuck around knowing she cheated, and during the entire 9 months of the pregnancy, i was there in the delivery room when he was born, i cut the cord, and i was the first person to hold him. Now after dealing with her telling me that he wasn't mine during the pregnancy i wanted to do a paternity test now that hes here just for my own peace of mind.

So now i go out and buy a home paternity test from the store, do all the swabbing, seal it in the envelopes and mail it in.. 7 days later we get the results back.  Open the results... Test says i am NOT the father.... I am now devastated. i didnt know what to think. Girlfriend, her family and my family all devastated, Because know one thought that he wasn't going to be mine.. that she was just saying that stuff to be mean at the time.

So now everyone is crushed.. No one wants to believe the results of the "home paternity" test, so we agreed to go to a actual lab clinic to do another paternity test. We go their have the lab people swab me, baby, and her. We wait another 5-7 days for the results. Results come back... i am NOT the father... Devastation all over again for everyone.    


So now that there is a little back story the question i want help or advice for is .... Do i stay with her and be this childs "step" father... or move on.

I still care about her, and im attached to the little guy... I've been there the entire 9 months.. Plus the 3 weeks hes been in the world...

As of right now the real father doesn't know about him and according to my girlfriend hes the type of person that will do anything to avoid having a baby (obviously not :D lol ).   My biggest fear in all of this is if i agree to stay and be this boys father.... is that his biological father decides to come into the picture and i dont want to deal with that..


Thank you any advice or help is appreciated

[Nighthawk61]

"Is she getting help in regards to her Bipolar illness?"

Does she recognize that she can't go out and get blitzed with her friends?  Has she stopped drinking (something that doesn't support her partnership)? It sure did a lot of damage. it should have been her "bottom" and realization that she can't drink.

[Londres70]

Is she getting help in regards to her Bipolar illness?

If you do step up and be this child's father you are risking she tells you later she doesn't want you to be the dad as her behavior is erratic at times.  If you break up will she still want you to be the father? Tread with caution.

Maybe her family and your family was devastated you weren't the bio father because they know now the bio dad can come into the picture at anytime.

"As of right now the real father doesn't know about him and according to my girlfriend hes the type of person that will do anything to avoid having a baby (obviously not :D lol )."..................What if this isn't true?  What if he knows and he doesn't want anything to do with the baby at this time and changes his mind later?  Again, you can't really rely on what she tells you.

Hard decisions..............think about this long and carefully.  It would be awful if you and your family got close to this child and then everything fell apart.

[clement4now]

Hi,

You're in a tough situation, where emotions can run very high.
Raising and taking care of a baby is one of the hardest jobs there is, so I commend you for being the father in this baby's life from the time he was born.
Really, for a boy to have a father in his life is so crucial and important for healthy development. That being said, single mothers can also do just fine raising their children without a male role model.  I understand that you are attached to this little baby boy and he is your main concern; he's a very lucky little boy to have you in his life. You really need to come to terms with the idea that the biological father could quite possibly come back into the picture at any point. If you choose to stay to raise this little boy, this is a possible reality you will have to deal with in the future. A bio. father and son should have a relationship, but that doesn't mean that the little boy would love or appreciate you any less...
Something you might also consider is, if you aren't in love with your girlfriend now, the relationship may not work out. If you are in love with each other, you've got much better odds of staying together and raising this child happily, than not. Raising a child is the biggest commitment you will ever make in your life, so be honest with yourself and definitely figure out what is best for you first...
Good Luck :)

[goldenlove]

I am so sorry. I know that the emotions you are going through must be all over the place. First you thought the baby was yours and you were there for her through the whole pregnancy and then you become attached to "your" child, only to find out that biologically he's not your baby. I can totally see why this devastated you!

I think, even if his biological father decided to become part of his life, if you are and have been there for him, you will continue to have a good father/son relationship. Blood doesn't make a father, being there and raising a child does.

Good luck with whatever you decide. Please don't choose to be in his life and then change your mind a few years down the road. Better to not be in his life at all than to put him through the loss of the only father he has known.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You knew Your GirlFriend had cheated and You accepted that  - You "forgave" Her - remember ?? - or did that mean You ONLY forgive Her if She doesn't get pregnant? or doesn't contract a disease?  Was Your "forgiveness" conditional??

Babies do result from sex - whether it's cheating sex or not (and so do STD's) again, was Your "forgiveness" conditional ??  What I'm trying to say is You "forgave" Her so that means You accept whatever results from that.  It's not Baby's fault and He needs a father.

You say You still care for Her and You're attached to the "little guy" - You've been there for Him and Her.  Parenting - and Love isn't always DNA -
lest we would not be able to bond with our Partners and Our adopted Children.  Try telling an Adoptive Mom or Dad that They are not 'really' Parents, that They don't 'really' love Their Child !!  

I don't understand why everyone is "devastated" if You want to be Father to this Baby.  If everyone can't be gracious about this - then move - at this point, Baby is the main concern.

GoodLuck