I think I should leave, but I'm confused and scared.

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. Married for 6 of them. We have 2 children together, and his first son lives with us half of the time. I have been unhappy for a while, but I have tried to work it out and stick around for the kids.

The problem is, I recently realized that my husband is very controlling, and even emotionally abusive. He routinely calls me lazy, worthless or a liar. I stay at home with the children, and also homeschool them, but if the house isn't clean and dinner isn't done when he gets home, he gets upset. If I make him angry, he calls me a stupid b*tch.

His mother and I were on a trip to the market recently and she asked me something, and I replied with my usual "Well, he doesn't really let me..." and I realized, he doesn't really let me do anything. He won't let me get a job. He says he's just uncomfortable with me being out of the house. He is suspicious of anyone I talk to and regularly accuses me of cheating on him. I'm not of course, but even if I wanted to it would be impossible because he doesn't let me go out or have anyone over. I can't cut my hair because he likes it long, and any time I talk about my dreams of the future - eventually owning a motorcycle or getting a tattoo or opening a Bed and Breakfast, he tells me that none of these things will happen as long as I am married to him.

And he is so, so jealous. I have no family that lives in the state, so I talk to them on the phone frequently. If he sees me on the phone with them, he drops what he's doing to bother me, speaking really loudly to me, repeating my name again and again to get my attention, snatching the phone from my hands and then describing to them my reaction, or choosing just that time to tell me to get him a beer or a snack or whatever. It makes it very hard to have any kind of a conversation.

I have tried to overlook all this, but recently I have started to see him apply that same attitude towards the children. They're "stupid b*stards" if they do something wrong, and they're constantly waiting on him hand and foot, running up and down the stairs to bring him things he wants or return dishes to the sink. If they want his attention while he is on the computer (which is always), he screams at them to go away.

I have tried talking to him about these things, but he ignores me, or tells me that he's too busy to talk then shuts me out of the room for the rest of the night. I have suggested marriage counseling, but he says that there is nothing wrong with him and he doesn't need a shrink to see that. I am down right miserable, and I am afraid that he will make the children feel the same way, but I can't decide if moving myself and the children out will be healthier for them, especially since I'm really not sure that he will make the time to see them at all if we move out.

I do need to add that my husband has never been even remotely physically abusive, and I don't think he ever would be.

So, any advice would be hugely appreciated. I just want to do what is best for my kids.

[AnxiousGurl]

Verbal and emotional abuse is just as bad as physical. There are SO many red flags. Staying in it for the kids is not healthy, its actually worse. I know some of what your going through and I'm telling you it's not okay for him to treat you this way and it sounds to me like there is no talking to him about it. I wouldn't even give him the option to go to counseling with you I would go to counseling myself, just because he is controlling, its who he is, there is no changing him. You need to be strong and do what's best for you. I think you know you should leave, you just don't want to believe it. It's okay to stand up for yourself and not put up with his **** anymore, you deserve better.

[caregiver222]

Life is very short and I am sure you have qualities that many men would find desireable.

I applaud you for thinking of the children, but there are alternatives.

Consider moving out. Your husband is abusive.

In my simple, opinion your husband is a loser. A self-centered narcissist with three people in his life. Me, myself and I.

The situation is not going to get better.

[Lisi251]

Emotional Abuse is still abuse any way you put it. Take it from me it will not get better unless he is putting forth the effort.I put up with both physical & emotional abuse for 10 years and ended up leaving to my best friends with my 2 children one night with only our clothes.I wasnt allowed to work either so it was really hard to get back into having the confidence to work but I did. Believe it or not with what little we had life was so much better just finally getting a place of our own & peace.Its 12 years later I have a great job & the only regret I have is that it took so long.

Lisa

[Ch3ll3y]

Having the confidence to leave is a big issue for me. My husband has been the sole provider for our family since we got married, and I am really scared of getting a job and my own place. I am terrified that I will fail.

I know I am unhappy, but my children love their father and he does give us stability. I would not only be taking the children from their father, but partially removing myself from their life too. They're used to me being around 24/7, and getting a job will obviously infringe on that time.

I am afraid that I am being selfish, and that this move could bring more harm to my children than good, and that is the very last thing I want.

[Judy246]

Wow, I am so sorry about your situation and what he is doing is called abuse. He is verbally and emotionally abusing you and treating you this way is unexceptable and inexcusable and should not be tolerated. He is definately controlling and this will only escalate with time. It also sounds as if he had a dysfunctional past experience and is taking it out on you by being controlling. That's crazy to hear "he won't let me", which means you no longer have control over you and possibly fear his reaction and consequence. You are giving up your entire "self", losing your own self worth and individuality. He is also taking away your dreams and future goals and desires and this is wrong also.

Now he is turning his abusive behavior towards the children and continuing his cycle of dysfunction. It is your responsibility a mother to protect them from such abuse, behavior and destructive verbal attacks.

If you want is best for your children, you will not allow or permit him to treat them with such emotional and abusive behavior. To be honest, if I were you, the first time he mistreated my children, I would take them and spend the night at my parents and if he didn't like that, tell him that if he doesn't accompany you to a marriage counselor and possibly anger management, you will be filing for a divorce and taking the children. There is absolutely no reason in the world, why you should feel obligated to stay with a man who will only bring you and your children unhappiness and teach a cycle of abuse and dysfunction. Good Luck.

[caregiver222]

Judy246 is giving you good advice.

No "normal" father worth the powder to blow him to hades calls his children "stupid b's". Your husband makes me want to get in the boxing ring with him and go a few rounds.

He is imprinting unacceptable behavior patterns on your children.

This will lead to another generational cycle of abuse and dysfunction, as Judy246 stated.

Find a friend and discuss your assets and skills. You already know how to use a computer.

Prepare a plan for leaving.

It's hard, but I know you can do it.

[Judy246]

Thank you :)

[Ch3ll3y]

Thanks guys, I appreciate all the advice.

It may sound weird, but I feel like none of this is real. This isn't my life. I would never let my husband treat me this way. It's like being in shock, or wondering when you're going to wake up. It is really disconcerting to look at your life and suddenly realize "Wow. I'm in a really bad spot!"

And I feel stupid. I cannot figure out how I let this happen.

Although I have no friends or family in the state, I have been looking up women's shelters, and considering leaving the state to get help from some of my family.

I'm still scared, but the unanimous view that this relationship is wrong is making me feel more connected to it - if that makes any sense. Now I just have to figure out how to get out.

[Judy246]

Not time to be scared. It's time to take back the power he is trying to take away from you and regain your identity. Abuse start's with a woman feeling as if it's surreal not happening to me feeling, but reality check, it is happening to you and never permit anyone to treat you less than you deseve to be treated and the next time he open his mouth and start to call you name, you stop him in his tracks and tell him, I don't appreciate your verbal abuse and I it will not be tolerated, I'm leaving and mean it!

Also, contact you family, because you need to have the support of your family wherever they are at and friends. Tell them you are in a marriage situation that you need help and also respect your privacy and situation. Tell them you will talk about it when you are ready, but at this point in time, need to leave with the children and need support fast. You can do this and you will do this, because your kids are depending on you! Contact family for financial help, emotional support and new beginning (also help with the kids)...good Luck.

[teko]

Your husband looks at you and those children as something that belongs to him, to have ownership of. You are people and not stuff! You own stuff, not people! He sounds like an insecure, control freak. If you raise your children in this environment, they will grow up to repeat your and your husbands behavior. They will see it as normal and the way a husband should treat his wife or even the way a wife should be treated by her husband. Can you see your daughter being treated in this manner by a man? Or your son treating a woman the way your husband treats you? If these children are raised that way they will go on to live that way as well, so you see it is not best for the children to stay in this situation, it is definately not what is best for you either. I vote lose the loser.

[teko]

How about a time out from your husband? Tell him you need space and see if he will leave for a while till you know how you feel and maybe that will be enough for him to change his behavior. Miracles do happen but it all starts with the communication. You cannot assume he knows how you feel. Be blunt and tell him if he does not give you space or are willing to change his ways that you will leave.  And do it. Go to the local welfare office if you have to and let them help you. I think you are not sure what it is you want, but you are definitely sure of what you do not. Start there.

[specialmom]

Well, you've had lots of good advice.  I understand your predicament.  It is easier for others to tell you to leave and for you to contemplate it than to actually do it.  I wish that you had not had three kids with him, to be honest.  But that is in the past and now you have to do what is best for not only you but those kids.  

You say that your family lives out of state.  Could you move to where they are or even in with them briefly?  That way, you'd have some emotional support and  help with the kids.  I agree that it will be a little bit like rocking their entire world if you leave their father and place them in school/daycare when they've not known such a life.  If he weren't verbally abusive, I'd tell you that keeping your family together is important.  Kids really don't care if mom and dad fight, they just want mom and dad together.  I'm a big advocate for doing everything humanly possible to make that happen.  BUt since he is abusive, you will have to take some steps.  
I'd get a plan together but do not write it out where he may find it.  You need to think about where to go, how to get there, what to take, when to do it and once there . . . what you will do.  That is why I think it would be great if your family could help you.  
When you leave, you can give him the option of seeing a counselor because perhaps your leaving him will encourage him to do it.  
I'd watch closely and if he escalates if you try to discuss all of this with him, then you leave quietly.  Do you understand what I mean?  I don't want this to blow up because I fear he could lose it if he thinks you are leaving.  Controlling men don't like their spouses to try to take back the power.  It could get ugly.  Have a back up plan.  
Good luck.

[Ch3ll3y]

I understand your fear of this escalating into something bad Specialmom. I really do not think he would ever be physically abusive, but if it does turn that way, I am prepared to grab the kids and walk out the door right then.

I don't think I will be able to take the kids and go out of state without his blessing though. If I try to sneak away, he will just file to have the children returned and try to charge me with kidnapping them. I'll have to convince him to let me leave, but I think I know how. I think.

And Teko is right. I would be horrified to see one of my sons treating their wife this way. I am determined to not let that happen. It's just a matter of moving carefully.

If I am able to get out of state, I still have to placate my husband for the 6 months it will take to establish residency and file divorce without having to worry about him winning my children - I know that that is a power he would love to have over me.

And just in case my plans for getting out of state fail, I will have a backup measure in place to go to a women's center or something like that.

The more I sit here and think about it, the more I realize how bad my marriage really is. I still can't believe I let it happen, but it's feeling more like reality to me than it was when I first realized it. And I'm starting to feel more confident about my ability to get out and end it.

[specialmom]

Well, I like how you are thinking things through.  You will need to do that and have a plan.  I didn't know your family is all out of state.  I think you are going to need some help---------  is there anyone there such as a friend, cousin, etc.  Document everything he does/says.  Be ready for the worst but hope for the best.  

I don't think you should have to live this way and hope that you find a way that you don't have to.  Best wishes and if there is anything I/we can do to help please let us know.

[Ch3ll3y]

I have no one nearby. No family, no friends. The only people I know in this state are his family and friends, and not a one of them are close to me. Not being able to have a job or go out has really contributed to isolating me, another thing I never really noticed until now.

Thanks for your wishes. I am sure that somehow, things will go right.

[Ch3ll3y]

*by close to me, I mean relationship wise. All of his immediate family lives within a 10 minute drive.

[specialmom]

Part of an abusive relationship is isolating your partner.  I am sorry this has happened to you.  I almost think you are going to have to see how this goes . . . but eventually getting farther away might be necessary.  What is he like with the mother of his son?  

[Ch3ll3y]

He doesn't get along with her well at all. They only speak to discuss things about their son, and even that is usually very tense and argumentative.

He wasn't happy with her when they split, and that was made worse by a very ugly and drawn out custody battle.

[teko]

If you take the children and go to another state with them it is not considered kidnapping until after one of you have filed for divorce. I just learned that recently as my daughter and her hubby went thru this. His lawyer told him he could take the kids and go and she could not stop him, but once he went to the other state he had to wait 6months until he became a resident to file for divorce. In the interim, she could file and he would have to come back here to go to court. Then of course you would have the custody issues. What I am trying to say is that this may be a way of spending a little time getting your head together all in the name of a visit with mom and dad? Double check the rules of your state but that is how it is in Fl. Now that papers have been filed tho, neither can take the children out of state without it being considered kidnapping.

[Monica70]

Wow! this sounds like my soon-to-be-ex husband that I left 7 months ago after a 7.5 year marriage. I have no kids, though.

My ex was emotionally abusive to me too. So much so, I became suicidal. I became so depressed that I wanted out of life. The way he talked to me (e.g. "You stupid c*nt!) I stayed so long because he didn't physically abuse me and marriage was my handcuff, which is why I won't marry again. I need to flee unhealthy relationships.

I'm single and happy.

[Oct2ue]

You need to go more with your gut feelings with things right now. Because your careing heart will keep you in that position and you wont fully recover until you know forsure what to do.It's great to get a note book (Journal) every day you write about what happens. Even if he is not around or if he is, it's just great to have a record of how your days went. Good or Bad, and then after awhile you can look at all what you have written from the past.By looking at the dates and how much you have spent on trying to fix something that cant be fixed.  You first gotta ask yourself ((You)) And why im making that ((You)) exspression is because now "You" have to focus your Important now. Not him anymore. Mom, has to focus to make herself strong enough.Take her own control. To make her children safe and keep their minds away from the negative activity that will reflect on them later in the future. If you dont start taking control over yourself right now. And right now is that time. Because Next time their wont be that escape to your safetiness. It gets worse and worse, until he makes you kill yourself mentally. Without himself has to put his hands on you. He can mentally ,Verbally abuse you until you are stressed out and dont care and thats when you go down.And then your kids will carry that for the rest of their lives.You sound like your on a good track. But because of the love and careing heart, you cant let that in.He knows you love him.He knows you wont leave him or do anything to escape from him. Because he has got away with it so far. And these kind of men have this power trip over woman from useing their sorrow,  for later on after the verbal abuse has just been made.They make you feel sorry about themselves. And you gotta ask yourself? Why did it have to even go their? after all your not making it a problem.Your trying to fix the problem. And by now. Aren't you tired of that? Repeating over and over again ?thats a clue to realize he isnt going to change to be a better person on his part, with you! No..ooo!!! He is not making you feel good inside? No!
He's not trying to show any effort of trying on his part?  No! He's not trying to speak to you in a better tone voice of words? No!  Answer these things in your head? and give yourself that knowledge of realizing you ((You)) need to step up, and him to Shut up! and walk out that door! With your children, where they can spend a happier life style with you.And start giving yourself a peace of mind that you can finally rest that confused head that almost got you into a deeper ditch.Any where you can go to, with your children without them have to go through the pain and fear. You need to show them your not going to put up with that anymore. Believe this children remembers the fears and the sadness until they grow up to an adult. And that effects them. Something you want to fix before they get older, So you wont regret it later.Stay with your gut, it will help you more than going with your heart right now. I know thats the hardest thing to do. But just to let you know how much i know! im a survivor!!! from domestic,from my experiences. Men play all differences of abusive controling methods. I fell down harder each time. Until i got up and got a grip of myself to reality!I pray to "GOD" and figured out I was important too!  And bringing my children first before me was the most important thing to know how special i made it out to be, to prove what kind of mother i am. For them to be proud. and by making yourself important your children was even more important too!!!. I got your back girl! I know you can make it happen for your life to be in a happier place with your children!Go For it! And dont turn back around! Go forward! Sorry if some of my words spelled uncorrectly. Good Luck!
***@****  
God Bless....... Karen

[Oct2ue]

You need to go more with your gut feelings with things right now. Because your careing heart will keep you in that position and you wont fully recover until you know forsure what to do.It's great to get a note book (Journal) every day you write about what happens. Even if he is not around or if he is, it's just great to have a record of how your days went. Good or Bad, and then after awhile you can look at all what you have written from the past.By looking at the dates and how much you have spent on trying to fix something that cant be fixed.  You first gotta ask yourself ((You)) And why im making that ((You)) exspression is because now "You" have to focus your Important now. Not him anymore. Mom, has to focus to make herself strong enough.Take her own control. To make her children safe and keep their minds away from the negative activity that will reflect on them later in the future. If you dont start taking control over yourself right now. And right now is that time. Because Next time their wont be that escape to your safetiness. It gets worse and worse, until he makes you kill yourself mentally. Without himself has to put his hands on you. He can mentally ,Verbally abuse you until you are stressed out and dont care and thats when you go down.And then your kids will carry that for the rest of their lives.You sound like your on a good track. But because of the love and careing heart, you cant let that in.He knows you love him.He knows you wont leave him or do anything to escape from him. Because he has got away with it so far. And these kind of men have this power trip over woman from useing their sorrow,  for later on after the verbal abuse has just been made.They make you feel sorry about themselves. And you gotta ask yourself? Why did it have to even go their? after all your not making it a problem.Your trying to fix the problem. And by now. Aren't you tired of that? Repeating over and over again ?thats a clue to realize he isnt going to change to be a better person on his part, with you! No..ooo!!! He is not making you feel good inside? No!
He's not trying to show any effort of trying on his part?  No! He's not trying to speak to you in a better tone voice of words? No!  Answer these things in your head? and give yourself that knowledge of realizing you ((You)) need to step up, and him to Shut up! and walk out that door! With your children, where they can spend a happier life style with you.And start giving yourself a peace of mind that you can finally rest that confused head that almost got you into a deeper ditch.Any where you can go to, with your children without them have to go through the pain and fear. You need to show them your not going to put up with that anymore. Believe this children remembers the fears and the sadness until they grow up to an adult. And that effects them. Something you want to fix before they get older, So you wont regret it later.Stay with your gut, it will help you more than going with your heart right now. I know thats the hardest thing to do. But just to let you know how much i know! im a survivor!!! from domestic,from my experiences. Men play all differences of abusive controling methods. I fell down harder each time. Until i got up and got a grip of myself to reality!I pray to "GOD" and figured out I was important too!  And bringing my children first before me was the most important thing to know how special i made it out to be, to prove what kind of mother i am. For them to be proud. and by making yourself important your children was even more important too!!!. I got your back girl! I know you can make it happen for your life to be in a happier place with your children!Go For it! And dont turn back around! Go forward! Sorry if some of my words spelled uncorrectly. Good Luck!
***@****  
God Bless....... Karen

[shar72]

I am the same way. My kids father is verbally and emotionally abusive towards me.i have my gma to move to, but frankly im terrified to take the kids from him. But yet he never plays with them and he says the my daughter isn't his bc of her eyes. Which is retarded. My son and I ate can goods (corn and peas) for a week bc he didnt want to buy food. He said that theres food in there, but all of it was things he liked. I know we should leave, but im terrified to. I dont want my kids growing up like this. But its hard bc he is all we know and live on. He has times where hell be nice, but its not worth it. We fight about him watching his daughter so I can take a shower. Help me plz?

[Banjo73]

Well said, I totally agree.