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I want marriage but he doesnt
Hi I am a 37 year old women that has been previously married before for 10 years. I am in a 6 year long relationship and have lived with him 2 years with a 51 year old man that was married 20 years before. We get along great and he spoils me like crazy. The one thing I want to do more than anything in the world is to get married to him. I am always hinting around so 2 days ago I finally got the courage to just come out and ask him. He broke my heart when he said he doesn't want to get married again. He don't know why he just dont. I don't want to leave him and I can't quit obsessing everyday about wanting to marry him. I wonder everyday what his ex wife had that I dont. I try to tell myself that he divorced her but it doesn't help. Can a man really love a woman and not want to marry her? Does this mean he will never love me the way he loved his ex wife? Can I learn to be happy and not obsess with the marriage thing? I even told him I would sign a prenup. Someone please help me with some advice..my heart is breaking..
Best Answer
Hi, when people have a bad experience with marriage they often prefer not to identify with it again and is no reflection that they dont love the person. Hes a mature person with the attitude of been there done that. Maybe he feels marriage causes the women to change as it did in his first marriage and feels you will change once the final commitment is made. Maybe start off and ask him if at least you could be engaged and talk about the marriage later.
Well I really do appreciate everyone's comments and I am truly sorry if I am getting on everyone's nerves...yes my situation is real and I do listen to each and every bit of advice on here.. I really don't want to leave my boyfriend ..I love him with all my heart..I just want to know he loves me the same and why he won't marry marry me..he does act like he loves me so I just can't understand why he won't marry me..most of all how I can make myself feel better and accept it if he doesn't ever marry me...
Agree with SM.
@Jlynn.........think long and hard about what you want and what you deserve.
All the best.
@Jlynn.........think long and hard about what you want and what you deserve.
All the best.
The point is, those who feel the conversation is over are always welcome to skip and scroll. Not every conversation/situation is interesting to every poster.
I just sense she's being told to stop posting, which I think is unfair.
And I say this very respectfully, because I respect all the posters in this thread but just don't understand why this one poster - who seems much more thoughtful and "together" than most who post with relationship questions - keeps being told that she should stop posting.
For those who this doesn't resonate with, maybe they've tried their best and it's time now to step away.
I just sense she's being told to stop posting, which I think is unfair.
And I say this very respectfully, because I respect all the posters in this thread but just don't understand why this one poster - who seems much more thoughtful and "together" than most who post with relationship questions - keeps being told that she should stop posting.
For those who this doesn't resonate with, maybe they've tried their best and it's time now to step away.
COMMUNITY LEADER
And a final post to our poster. I want you to know that I wish you the very best of luck. I want your life to be complete. For you to have some of your fundamental goals in life met. Even for your dreams to come true. I sincerely do. I so hope that life turns out the way you want it and I wish you the strength to get through the rough parts to make it happen. peace
COMMUNITY LEADER
Rockrose, this isn't my dilemma and I have no mixed feelings. I know what I'd do. I've shared that (several times now) and it is the ruminating about it over and over again as part of why this woman is stuck. I'm not frustrated with her, I just have nothing to offer someone that creates the situations for themselves that torture them and any attempt to go in a different direction seems impossible to them.
Pondering something without moving forward keeps this post at the top of the forum and I would imagine that many who are reading it are like "got it. She's not going to do anything and remain unhappy. best of luck to her (sincerely).
what more is there to say?
And (once again) I'd never in a million years attach myself to a man that many years older than me that would not make me believe I was worthy of marriage (as the poster doesn't for some reason and is 'trying'). that is sad. I married when I was older Rockrose. I know what it is like to have a clear picture of what you want in life. You don't waste time with people that can not fulfill that. And if she wants kids, time is absolutely running out.
No, she shouldn't settle and just be with any guy. But she also shouldn't settle and be with a guy that isn't compatible in MAJOR life goals. MAJOR. To be married or not is a pretty big deal. I'd never stay with someone if my picture of my life was that of husband and wife and he was against marriage. I had expectations in a partner and it was marriage. Pure and simple. If that would not be fulfilled for me, I'd be out of there because that was something I did not want to compromise on. I found a great man that also wanted to have a wife, be a husband, start a family. My life is as I had wanted. ***I*** created it. I didn't wait around for someone else to create it and give them ALL of my power.
This relationship is lopsided. And it's been that way for years now. did she say 3 years? THREE years. That would be a long time to wait for someone and STILL be hearing NO to the idea of marriage knowing your partner wanted it.
So, I really can't think of another thing to say about it. I think we've exhausted the topic.
I think part of why she's staying is fear of the unknown. And feeling stuck out of fear is terrible. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So, that is why I just really want her to see that SHE has power to change this dynamic. Fear is legit, I guess. But frankly, I'd rather be alone than live my life wondering why "I wasn't good enough" as she feels.
Anyway, again, I guess I CAN go on and on about it. But my opinion never changes. And it is a little like beating a dead horse. And then I guess I just want the horse to be left alone and get on with it. Do as she wants to do. Her life. Her choice. But when you make a certain choice knowing the facts, you just can't complain about it. I can't listen to a friend cry over spilled milk when she is the one who keeps tipping the glass over. Eventually I'm going to tell her to snap out of it, either deal with the spilled milk or get a new cup!
Pondering something without moving forward keeps this post at the top of the forum and I would imagine that many who are reading it are like "got it. She's not going to do anything and remain unhappy. best of luck to her (sincerely).
what more is there to say?
And (once again) I'd never in a million years attach myself to a man that many years older than me that would not make me believe I was worthy of marriage (as the poster doesn't for some reason and is 'trying'). that is sad. I married when I was older Rockrose. I know what it is like to have a clear picture of what you want in life. You don't waste time with people that can not fulfill that. And if she wants kids, time is absolutely running out.
No, she shouldn't settle and just be with any guy. But she also shouldn't settle and be with a guy that isn't compatible in MAJOR life goals. MAJOR. To be married or not is a pretty big deal. I'd never stay with someone if my picture of my life was that of husband and wife and he was against marriage. I had expectations in a partner and it was marriage. Pure and simple. If that would not be fulfilled for me, I'd be out of there because that was something I did not want to compromise on. I found a great man that also wanted to have a wife, be a husband, start a family. My life is as I had wanted. ***I*** created it. I didn't wait around for someone else to create it and give them ALL of my power.
This relationship is lopsided. And it's been that way for years now. did she say 3 years? THREE years. That would be a long time to wait for someone and STILL be hearing NO to the idea of marriage knowing your partner wanted it.
So, I really can't think of another thing to say about it. I think we've exhausted the topic.
I think part of why she's staying is fear of the unknown. And feeling stuck out of fear is terrible. I wouldn't wish that on anyone. So, that is why I just really want her to see that SHE has power to change this dynamic. Fear is legit, I guess. But frankly, I'd rather be alone than live my life wondering why "I wasn't good enough" as she feels.
Anyway, again, I guess I CAN go on and on about it. But my opinion never changes. And it is a little like beating a dead horse. And then I guess I just want the horse to be left alone and get on with it. Do as she wants to do. Her life. Her choice. But when you make a certain choice knowing the facts, you just can't complain about it. I can't listen to a friend cry over spilled milk when she is the one who keeps tipping the glass over. Eventually I'm going to tell her to snap out of it, either deal with the spilled milk or get a new cup!
I don't know why everyone is getting so frustrated here. I think this is a real true dilemma - and I'd feel the way jlynn does. If I were in a really lovely relationship but the guy wouldn't marry me, I'd be stuck in the decision process.
For all the people who are on these forums in horrific relationships who are trying to get pregnant, this story seems like a breath of fresh air. A situation where you truly have to consider leaving or staying.
I think I'd stay. But maybe not.
For all the people who are on these forums in horrific relationships who are trying to get pregnant, this story seems like a breath of fresh air. A situation where you truly have to consider leaving or staying.
I think I'd stay. But maybe not.
BTW: If you go on and on like you have here with him it will spell disaster for you.
Ditto SM and Tink!
Well, who said it was easy? I don't recall anyone stating that. It just seems you are going on and on with this notion he is going to suddenly change his mind and ask you to marry him. Wake up and snap out of it.
Hon, most of us have been there done that, we moved on, didn't settle for whatever and got what we WANTED.
I've left a couple of men in my life who I truly loved and I am so GLAD I did. I ended up marry a gem.
We've tried to tell you............tried to warn you.
PLEASE seek THERAPY as soon as possible.
Well, who said it was easy? I don't recall anyone stating that. It just seems you are going on and on with this notion he is going to suddenly change his mind and ask you to marry him. Wake up and snap out of it.
Hon, most of us have been there done that, we moved on, didn't settle for whatever and got what we WANTED.
I've left a couple of men in my life who I truly loved and I am so GLAD I did. I ended up marry a gem.
We've tried to tell you............tried to warn you.
PLEASE seek THERAPY as soon as possible.
You confirm what I said above:
You are not listening, as in:
it's okay to stay with Him but don't OBSESS so about being married.
You live with Him now (for 2 years) - ACCEPT what You have OR move on - it IS that simple.
You are CHOOSING to remain in a state of "hurt" rather than be happy with what You have. Love is a CHOICE, so(often) is happiness.
GoodLuck
You are not listening, as in:
it's okay to stay with Him but don't OBSESS so about being married.
You live with Him now (for 2 years) - ACCEPT what You have OR move on - it IS that simple.
You are CHOOSING to remain in a state of "hurt" rather than be happy with what You have. Love is a CHOICE, so(often) is happiness.
GoodLuck
I have children from my ex husband so II really don't want anymore...I always thought two was enough for me..it's easier for someone to tell someone they should leave than the person they are giving advice to leave..it's can't help it I love him so much..I can't help it I want to marry the man I love...so why wouldn't it be hard to walk away from that? It would hurt me more to leave him than the hurt I feel everyday that he won't marry me...
With all due respect:
You have been here for 10 months and You are still saying/thinking/feeling the same.
It has been suggested that You are not listening to Him. I agree. You also are also not listening here. In reading Your responses I see that suggestions and advice are going unheeded by You.
You have a mental 'block' on this issue. So does He. Likely You are not going to change Your feeling about this. Likely He will not either.
Regards,
Tink
You have been here for 10 months and You are still saying/thinking/feeling the same.
It has been suggested that You are not listening to Him. I agree. You also are also not listening here. In reading Your responses I see that suggestions and advice are going unheeded by You.
You have a mental 'block' on this issue. So does He. Likely You are not going to change Your feeling about this. Likely He will not either.
Regards,
Tink
COMMUNITY LEADER
I so agree. He's 51? You're 37? Do you want children? I just don't know why you would waste this time. I really almost have nothing else to say about it. You are making this choice. Talk to you in 5 years because you are crying you'll never have any kids. That is really blunt but I've known women who make these same decisions as you . I know them now when they are in their 40's and 59's, a few years older than you. They are alone and talking to their dog like it's a real baby. I'm not saying that this will absolutely happen to you, but it would not surprise me.
You want to be married and you are with a man who won't marry you. What is it that you hope to accomplish? Somehow you become 'good enough' (your words) for him to decide he wants to? Yuck. Have some pride woman. In life, there are people that sit and let life happen to them and there are people that make life happen the way they'd like. Sure, sometimes they fail but at least they tried and usually have no regrets. I predict you're going to be very bitter in a few years. And mad at yourself. And mad at him but honestly, this isn't his fault. He's being honest. You just can't accept it.
I feel like I'm being super blunt and saying all those things we usually hold back from saying because I just don't see putting a flower on this will help you.
You can stay with him. Obviously. But you know what it means for your life. Either accept it or do something about it.
And agree 100 percent that you need to see a therapist for a variety of reasons. It may really help you with some clarity.
But that is all I have to say. It's more blunt than usual but desperate times call for desperate measures. good luck
You want to be married and you are with a man who won't marry you. What is it that you hope to accomplish? Somehow you become 'good enough' (your words) for him to decide he wants to? Yuck. Have some pride woman. In life, there are people that sit and let life happen to them and there are people that make life happen the way they'd like. Sure, sometimes they fail but at least they tried and usually have no regrets. I predict you're going to be very bitter in a few years. And mad at yourself. And mad at him but honestly, this isn't his fault. He's being honest. You just can't accept it.
I feel like I'm being super blunt and saying all those things we usually hold back from saying because I just don't see putting a flower on this will help you.
You can stay with him. Obviously. But you know what it means for your life. Either accept it or do something about it.
And agree 100 percent that you need to see a therapist for a variety of reasons. It may really help you with some clarity.
But that is all I have to say. It's more blunt than usual but desperate times call for desperate measures. good luck
You are still insisting on trying to change his mind.........SAD.
BELIEVE what he SAYS.
He probably is one of those guys that just isn't good in a marriage. He knows this and I really wish you would trust in what he is telling you. He KNOWS his limitations. He married his ex because he didn't know better at the time and now he knows better.
LEAVE the issue off the table before you push him away or lose him.
At 51 a person isn't going to do much changing.............trust me. Most are settled and set.
BELIEVE what he SAYS.
He probably is one of those guys that just isn't good in a marriage. He knows this and I really wish you would trust in what he is telling you. He KNOWS his limitations. He married his ex because he didn't know better at the time and now he knows better.
LEAVE the issue off the table before you push him away or lose him.
At 51 a person isn't going to do much changing.............trust me. Most are settled and set.
When I told him that he didn't say nothing so I said "do you blame me" and he said "no" ..so basically I didn't get anywhere..as far as his ex goes he ended the marriage because they argued alot and she told me the same thing..
Give him more time? I don't think so. 6 month or 6 days...........doesn't matter because he isn't budging. This man has made things perfectly clear about where he stands and I wouldn't push him or you may end up without him period.
I am not sure why some women try to change the man they are with. What you see is what you get. IF they do change it's because they wanted to and they will let you know when they are willing to do so.
BELIEVE what he has told you.
I am not sure why some women try to change the man they are with. What you see is what you get. IF they do change it's because they wanted to and they will let you know when they are willing to do so.
BELIEVE what he has told you.
Who cares what his ex or anyone else thinks. I wouldn't even worry about all that. You could be married to this man and people would still have some sort of opinion about something that is NONE of their business.
I can't say whether the man still has feelings for his ex or not, but I can say you are driving yourself crazy.
"I actually just told him about an hour ago that I don't want to be with someone for 10 years and not be married that it would be a waste of my time and I wouldn't stay with someone I had no intentions of marrying."..............What did he say?
Don't start throwing out indirect ultimatums if you aren't planning on leaving him as RR has stated.
Trust me, he isn't the ONLY man in the world to be with and he isn't the ONLY man in the world that can love you.
And you are doing all this for what?
I can't say whether the man still has feelings for his ex or not, but I can say you are driving yourself crazy.
"I actually just told him about an hour ago that I don't want to be with someone for 10 years and not be married that it would be a waste of my time and I wouldn't stay with someone I had no intentions of marrying."..............What did he say?
Don't start throwing out indirect ultimatums if you aren't planning on leaving him as RR has stated.
Trust me, he isn't the ONLY man in the world to be with and he isn't the ONLY man in the world that can love you.
And you are doing all this for what?
jlynn, maybe he is still in love with his ex, and he's hoping she'll come back. Who left who in his situation?
I think you need to take a day and go out somewhere by yourself and really think this through: "Am I better off living with this guy and never married, or would I be better off without him and free to live singly or seek other relationships?"
And then act accordingly. If you're better off with him but not married, stop focusing on that. With real effort, you can stop focusing your entire life on a grief - people with missing children learn to do it, women whose husbands are in prison of war camps being tortured learn to do it. If you decide to stay with him, refocus and allow yourself to enjoy your life.
If you decide you are better off without him if he won't marry you, give him a 6 month chance. If by 6 months I don't have a wedding band and a marriage certificate filed at the courthouse, I'm going to move on.
And mean it. You can't give an ultimatum without being in the position of power to actually want to follow through. What you're doing now is demanding that he marry you with no decision on your part to follow through with being okay leaving.
I think you need to take a day and go out somewhere by yourself and really think this through: "Am I better off living with this guy and never married, or would I be better off without him and free to live singly or seek other relationships?"
And then act accordingly. If you're better off with him but not married, stop focusing on that. With real effort, you can stop focusing your entire life on a grief - people with missing children learn to do it, women whose husbands are in prison of war camps being tortured learn to do it. If you decide to stay with him, refocus and allow yourself to enjoy your life.
If you decide you are better off without him if he won't marry you, give him a 6 month chance. If by 6 months I don't have a wedding band and a marriage certificate filed at the courthouse, I'm going to move on.
And mean it. You can't give an ultimatum without being in the position of power to actually want to follow through. What you're doing now is demanding that he marry you with no decision on your part to follow through with being okay leaving.
It does suck when people looks at you and always asks "Why aren't you married" than you got his ex loving the fact that we aren't married..I have even been told "maybe he's still in love with his ex" believe me that does make a person feel like dirt especially someone like me that wants to get married. I actually just told him about an hour ago that I don't want to be with someone for 10 years and not be married that it would be a waste of my time and I wouldn't stay with someone I had no intentions of marrying..
You are worried about what this looks like in other people's eyes because it gives the image he doesn't really value you?
We shouldn't be with someone to change them or their beliefs or their values, but to accept them or move on to find someone who is more compatible to what we are looking for/wanting in a mate.
It's so sad........sad.........*sighs*
Again.............all the best and please seek professional help dear.
We shouldn't be with someone to change them or their beliefs or their values, but to accept them or move on to find someone who is more compatible to what we are looking for/wanting in a mate.
It's so sad........sad.........*sighs*
Again.............all the best and please seek professional help dear.
I know I can't leave him but I wish there was a way to be ok with not be married again but I don't know if I can ever be happy about not being married..When people asks us I act like it doesn't bother me act like we are both mutual about it..I don't want people to wonder why I'm not good enough in his eyes to marry..that's all I got is my hopes and dreams that someday he will see just maybe I might be worth it..
You are more than welcome to continue posting here.................by all means do if that helps you.
What I meant is that it is clear you are going to continue this relationship with this man which is definitely your choice and you are still continuing to stick to this notion he is going to "pop the question"; staying and hoping he does, so it is kind of unnecessary to continue a discussion about this after your decision has been made.
All the best dear.
What I meant is that it is clear you are going to continue this relationship with this man which is definitely your choice and you are still continuing to stick to this notion he is going to "pop the question"; staying and hoping he does, so it is kind of unnecessary to continue a discussion about this after your decision has been made.
All the best dear.
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