Aa
I want to get married, boyfriend doesn't
I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34. We have been together for 2.5yrs and have lived together for 2 yrs. I love him very much and know that he is right for me. He treats me like a queen. Every morning we wake up he showers me with kisses and hugs, among the many other things he does and says that makes me know that he loves me dearly.
Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage. I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed. But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also. My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.
A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be. After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready. I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty. I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it. We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally. I feel rejected. I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.
I just don't understand. Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is. We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together. One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that. I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.
Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.
Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage. I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed. But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also. My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.
A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be. After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready. I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty. I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it. We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally. I feel rejected. I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.
I just don't understand. Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is. We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together. One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that. I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.
Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.
Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Dear
At first I want to wish you have a best life. I am a man and I want to tell you that history tells that every man needs a women, someone to complete him. Men need women. I am in love to a dutiful girl. I want to live, work and do everything possible to satisfy her needs, I want us to have babies and raise them well.
I have never seen that girl. But I know she is there somewhere. I believe in destiny and I prayed to God to grand me my wish. So I am waiting and I believe that when the time is right then I will propose to her without to wasting time. It is west of time if you believe that you have to spend time with people to get to know them.
If it is the beginning of a relationship then the man can cover himself with a beautiful mask.
And if you try him and wait for a long time then he might change.
Men do get angry sometimes and so does women. But if you are married then you can stand each other before just leaving each other.
At the end I want to advice you that every man need a specific key for him to give himself to you. So find out which key it is.
At first I want to wish you have a best life. I am a man and I want to tell you that history tells that every man needs a women, someone to complete him. Men need women. I am in love to a dutiful girl. I want to live, work and do everything possible to satisfy her needs, I want us to have babies and raise them well.
I have never seen that girl. But I know she is there somewhere. I believe in destiny and I prayed to God to grand me my wish. So I am waiting and I believe that when the time is right then I will propose to her without to wasting time. It is west of time if you believe that you have to spend time with people to get to know them.
If it is the beginning of a relationship then the man can cover himself with a beautiful mask.
And if you try him and wait for a long time then he might change.
Men do get angry sometimes and so does women. But if you are married then you can stand each other before just leaving each other.
At the end I want to advice you that every man need a specific key for him to give himself to you. So find out which key it is.
get a career, a fabulous place of your own, the car you want, have a great group of fabulous and trustworthy friends and trust me you will have a ton of men begging to marry you.
be fearless
be fearless
I was in the same situation with a man, I stayed with him for 15 years in his "unready" state of marriage... he made a lot of excuses as to why he wasn't ready. In the end I hated him for it, I thought it was disrespectful and mean. I did leave him and he begged me to come back, he even said ok we can do the marriage and family thing if that will make you happy, but by that time I was so angry at him for denying it to me for so long (and mad at myself for accepting his excuses when I knew I really did want to be married) that I said no. 6 months after we broke up, he got engaged to someone else. and married her and still calls me to reconcile with him.
It made me realize that I don't think he really loves anyone, he loves whomever will put up with him and make him not feel so alone in life as his current wife isn't as "caring" as I was with him (basically she doesn't put up with his garbage). It did a lot of damage to my self esteem to stay in that relationship for as long as I did, I wish I had been smarter and stronger and left earlier on to date other guys and figure myself out without the pressure of having to make someone else happy.
I would honestly recommend leaving this guy. I'm sorry, I know that's harsh but I'm in my 40s now, I don't have children which I do wish I had had, and I've seen this happen with quite a few of my friends. Men actually really like security, they like a woman (ANY woman) to be there for them. I have a hard time deciphering whether men who want to date me actually like me or just don't want to be alone.
I am dating someone now who totally confirms that, he's been married a couple of times because he doesn't like to be alone!! He realizes this about himself and we have nice boundaries and both trying to figure this thing out, and he's a million times more affecionate, more loving and respectful and caring than my long term ex ever was so I don't regret leaving at all. Sometimes its the fear of being on our own and facing the big bad world alone that makes us stay in unhappy situations. Consider your life and what you want for yourself. You only have one life.
It made me realize that I don't think he really loves anyone, he loves whomever will put up with him and make him not feel so alone in life as his current wife isn't as "caring" as I was with him (basically she doesn't put up with his garbage). It did a lot of damage to my self esteem to stay in that relationship for as long as I did, I wish I had been smarter and stronger and left earlier on to date other guys and figure myself out without the pressure of having to make someone else happy.
I would honestly recommend leaving this guy. I'm sorry, I know that's harsh but I'm in my 40s now, I don't have children which I do wish I had had, and I've seen this happen with quite a few of my friends. Men actually really like security, they like a woman (ANY woman) to be there for them. I have a hard time deciphering whether men who want to date me actually like me or just don't want to be alone.
I am dating someone now who totally confirms that, he's been married a couple of times because he doesn't like to be alone!! He realizes this about himself and we have nice boundaries and both trying to figure this thing out, and he's a million times more affecionate, more loving and respectful and caring than my long term ex ever was so I don't regret leaving at all. Sometimes its the fear of being on our own and facing the big bad world alone that makes us stay in unhappy situations. Consider your life and what you want for yourself. You only have one life.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there, welcome to the forum. Honestly, I think it sounds like you may need to release yourself from this relationship. The practical issues aren't working for the two of you I'm afraid. Love is but an emotion in my opinion.
I would move on and find someone with less baggage. good luck
I would move on and find someone with less baggage. good luck
Im 44 my bf is 43. We were both in marriages that were over 14 yrs. He has 2 young teenage kids, I have three independent adults and 1 teenage daughter. His ex took him for a lot financially and gets a whopping check, most alimony and lives with her fiance. He tells me he loves me so much and he believes he would do anything for me. I take that monitarily, since money is his prize savings and my income is null compared.
After well over a year and me being the one doing over night stays at least 3-4 days a week, he finally stayed over 2 nights because my car was in the shop. He helped repair it, and gave me 15 for gas when it was $4/ gal. I have also given cash when he had no pocket money. I have helped him replace and make his house look like a home, helped his kids see reasons for making good grades, yet the ex and his kids tell him what a useless dad and always emotionally blackmailing him, just because he has to work or Im there, even though I incorporate them and love them.
I told him he needs a wife and I need a husband (it would be nice to have a fixer, but he doesnt fix my stuff), but that means nothing unless you want one. I can no longer participate as his playing house wife. I over stepped my boundries and it hurts when he wants me to scadaddle while helping him, before the kids arrived if the kids wanted to come home instead of stay over at a hotel and have a family nite.
He rarely kisses me deeply and I brush several times a day. He says he loves me, but love is an emotional investment. Ive known it would be a mistake to move in with him, but this strand validated that. Id sign a prenupt, but for a man as traditional as he is, he sure wants a claus in his traditions because Ive been filling his needs. Marriage is a risk, but so is Love and the Sex.
After well over a year and me being the one doing over night stays at least 3-4 days a week, he finally stayed over 2 nights because my car was in the shop. He helped repair it, and gave me 15 for gas when it was $4/ gal. I have also given cash when he had no pocket money. I have helped him replace and make his house look like a home, helped his kids see reasons for making good grades, yet the ex and his kids tell him what a useless dad and always emotionally blackmailing him, just because he has to work or Im there, even though I incorporate them and love them.
I told him he needs a wife and I need a husband (it would be nice to have a fixer, but he doesnt fix my stuff), but that means nothing unless you want one. I can no longer participate as his playing house wife. I over stepped my boundries and it hurts when he wants me to scadaddle while helping him, before the kids arrived if the kids wanted to come home instead of stay over at a hotel and have a family nite.
He rarely kisses me deeply and I brush several times a day. He says he loves me, but love is an emotional investment. Ive known it would be a mistake to move in with him, but this strand validated that. Id sign a prenupt, but for a man as traditional as he is, he sure wants a claus in his traditions because Ive been filling his needs. Marriage is a risk, but so is Love and the Sex.
Just a few words regarding this discussion. Lets's face reality. Marriage is NOT a sign of commitment. If it really were, there would be no divorce possible. In other words, you would be married FOREVER, regardless of what happens. Nowadays you can get married and then file for divorce the next month without so much as having to justify or prove anything. Just claim irreconciliable differences. Remember, it's called no fault divorce and women asked for it!
More and more men are seeing that marriage is a losing proposition for them and walking away. If women really want to get married, it is them who should petition to have the laws changed in order to make them fair to men (see my previous posts). As an example, alimony forever to a wife after 10 years of marriage is not all that attractive to men. Ditto for false domestic violence accusations that go unpunished, false paternity claims, etc.
Seems that men are freeing themselves from the provider's role, gaining their freedom. Some people apparently do not like it.
Best,
Bobol
More and more men are seeing that marriage is a losing proposition for them and walking away. If women really want to get married, it is them who should petition to have the laws changed in order to make them fair to men (see my previous posts). As an example, alimony forever to a wife after 10 years of marriage is not all that attractive to men. Ditto for false domestic violence accusations that go unpunished, false paternity claims, etc.
Seems that men are freeing themselves from the provider's role, gaining their freedom. Some people apparently do not like it.
Best,
Bobol
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