I want to get married, boyfriend doesn't

[dmarie01]

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34.  We have been together for 2.5yrs and have lived together for 2 yrs.  I love him very much and know that he is right for me.  He treats me like a queen.  Every morning we wake up he showers me with kisses and hugs, among the many other things he does and says that makes me know that he loves me dearly.  

Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage.  I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed.  But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also.  My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.  

A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be.  After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready.   I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty.  I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it.  We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally.  I feel rejected.  I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.

I just don't understand.  Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is.  We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together.  One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that.  I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.  

Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.

Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[munchichi]

Hi all,

I hate to say it, but reading all these posts made me feel a little better. I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and lived together for over 3 years now. We have a blended family, I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he has 1 also from another marriage. I think we have a happy relationship, we strive to make a happy healthy home for our kids and we have blended quite successfully. Unfortunately he seems no more motivated to marry me now than he was on our first date. This is a huge heart ache for me because not only have I invested my heart, but my children are quite attached as well. I want to be married, I want to feel like he thinks I am worth marrying and I have the most unpleasant feeling he doesn't feel I am. He says he loves me, but sometimes I wonder if he only keeps me around for financial reasons and because I (if I must say) am a fantastic mother and his child is very attached to me. I want to be with someone who loves me and is proud to be with me, I want to be "Mrs. ------" instead of just "the girlfriend". I want the world to see we are committed to one another.  
I have cried a lot, I have choked back so much disappointment, and I am so sick of it all. Maybe he's happy living like we're married without any real commitment, but I am not. Also its not that I just want to be married to just anyone, I just want to be with someone who loves and cares about me enough to make the commitment to me. I'd rather be alone than strung along. He says "but where am I going?" well maybe both our names are on the lease but our relationship certainly isn't "going" anywhere. That's another thing, he'll sign a lease with me, buy a car with me, financially tie himself to me, he's fine with the idea of getting a 30 year mortgage with me, but I'm not worth the commitment of marriage?!?!? THE HECK?
I could go on and on and on. What it all boils down to is I'm going through all the motions of being married but I'm not worth the damn slip of paper.
I have been through the whole range of emotion in regards to this issue and all I am left with is despair. I am a good person, I am honest, I try to do everything right, I follow all laws, rules, regulations and I feel I am entitle to be happy. I feel I deserve to having a partner who loves and values me enough to make the commitment to me. I just wish he felt I was worth the commitment, but apparently I'm not.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  You've posted your reply on an old post.  Often these go unnoticed.  You can start your own thread by going to the top of tis page and hitting 'post question".

don't be sad as there are many many men out there that DO want to get married.  You just have to be open to making choices that put you in a position to finding them.  

If marriage is important to you and your current boyfriend is saying he does not want to marry, he is not a good choice in boyfriend for you.  I hope you are able to see that and move on.

We date in order to find the right person for us.  When there is a fundamental difference in lifestyle, that is a reason to break up.  When a man says he doesn't ever want to get married, believe them the first time they say it and move on if it is our desire to be in a married relationship.

You are still young and maybe you want children????  Leave now and look for someone that values marriage as you do.  I have a gazillion married friends (meaning all those men WANTED to get married) and have been married for 12 years myself.  There are plenty of men that view life the way you do.  

so, take care of yourself and get what you want in life.  Move on and find a man that will want the same things as you do.  peace and luck to you

[alma2011]

I feel more sad and frustrated when i found this site, why many mens doesnt want to be married?
My bf and I got the same issue we are dating for more than 2 yrs now we are in a longdistnce relationship,he is 45 yrs old and im 35 yrs old, i never been married and he lived with someone for past 10 yrs without marriage. My problems is exactly with all your problems, my bf doesnt want to get married and i really want to get married i am very family oriented woamn and i want family,. Like all of you girls i really love my bf and its very difficult to break up with him i also dont doubt his feeling with me but he is a marriage phobic, he keep explaining to me that marriage is not a good idea bcoz of his experienced his parents are divorced, aunt, uncle. He is willing to have a child with me and build up family and we already put up a biz that he financed but whatever i do i cant convince him to get married i thought if i do good to im i can change his mind but not. Im also not sure if my family will accept that if i live with him without marriage i came fom religious and family oriented family. I am not eager to have a nice and expensive wedding ring also not a wedding i will be contented in marriage also not an expensive wedding, i just want his 100% commitment, i am also not interested in what he has ii already told him that i am ok with pre-nup. I kow he appreaciated how good i am with him i also appreciated him but i am not satisfied to be a forever gf i want to be a wife and i still beleive in marriage..for those who moved on and broke p with your bf i admired you for your being tough..

[something_doesnt_feel_right]

My boyfriend of 1 year just told me (WHILST AT A WEDDING) that he didn't see the point of getting married.

This is from a man who when he first met me, couldn't stop telling me about our future as husband and wife with a family etc...not to mention up until that moment, he had been throwing the 'wife' term to me as if to give the hint that it may happen soon (I assure you that he isn't diverting me away from him surprising me with a proposal)

Anyway, back to the wedding. When he told me he didn't see the point in marriage, I got upset and said 'I thought you said I was the one' and he walked off on me. I later spoke to him about it in the car on the way home from the wedding and he said he would marry me to make me happy. He said he loves me and knows he wants to spend his life with me but doesn't see the need in formalising it.

It's a few weeks later now and I brought it up for the first time since the night of the wedding. I tried to tell him all of the reasons why marrying him was important to me and again he said he'll marry me to make me happy. This just doesn't sit with me well. I asked why he changed his mind about not having the need to get married and he went on about how marriages end in divorce and questioned why if two people are in love and happy they need a piece of paper.

I'm so confused.

[Luckybeans]

Regarding genders on profiles; when you first join this site it seems to automatically go to a "male" default setting. Mine automatically went to "male" too until I updated it a couple of hours after opening the account. This may clarify your query.

[Luckybeans]

You already know that you will not be able to forget about this; it will poison your relationship with him from now on. You can stay with him and pretend it doesn't matter and paper over the crack it's caused because you love him, or you can walk, suck up the pain and then cry it all out and in some months or years meet the man who will want to marry you so badly that he will not be able to contain his excitement about it. If you were only a few months into your relationship this might all be different, but after a year or more into a relationship, a guy's feelings are not going to change and you will be sad and uncertain of the relationship forever if you stay with it. It also simply hurts too much when we know that the person we'd give the world to does not feel us at that same level. I hope you're OK.