I want to get married, boyfriend doesn't

[dmarie01]

I am 27 and my boyfriend is 34.  We have been together for 2.5yrs and have lived together for 2 yrs.  I love him very much and know that he is right for me.  He treats me like a queen.  Every morning we wake up he showers me with kisses and hugs, among the many other things he does and says that makes me know that he loves me dearly.  

Early in our relationship we used to joke about marriage sending mixed messages about how we eached really felt about marriage.  I know he has some complex feelings about marriage because so many in his family have failed.  But looking at the stats, there have been a lot of successful ones also.  My family has not been lucky in marriage either but for some reason I can look past that and see that we have something different and I am willing to give it my all to make it work.  

A couple months ago I brought up the topic and wanted to discuss it seriously with him but it ended in a big fight because he said he wasn't ready for marriage and didn't know if he ever would be.  After a lot of tears and almost breaking up he told me that he didn't know that I felt so strongly about it and that maybe in a few years he might be ready.   I have a lot of problems with this "resolution" because there is still so much uncertainty.  I didn't know if he just said that because he didn't want to loose me or if he really meant that he was going to think about it.  We still can't talk openly about the topic without him getting defensive, and God forbid we see anything wedding related on tv, he changes the chanel immediately. The deeper problem is that because of the doubt i have that maybe he just doesn't want to marry 'ME', I have now started to pull away from him emotionally.  I feel rejected.  I feel as though I can't talk to him openly anymore, so as to not push the issue and yet there are so many unresolved concerns that this may never happen and that I might just be waiting in vein.

I just don't understand.  Our lives are set up as a married couple as it is.  We share a house, bank accounts and every aspect of our lives together.  One could argue that if it aint broke don't fix it, but my arguement is that if it is so much like the real thing already then nothing should change if we make it official, so why not? He's got front row seats to what our lives would be like after marriage so why is he so scared? I don't need the big party and the rings and the dress and everything, in fact, I don't even want that.  I believe that marriage is a symbol of the committment two people make to each other that no matter what, they will try to work it out and be there for each other.  

Based on this, my only conclusion is that his reservations have a deeper meaning and I don't know how to get to the truth.

Should I wait around to see if he will stay true to his word and maybe in a few years we can move forward with our relationship or should I take the risk and start over with someone else, which might take just as long if not longer. Seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place since neither decision will be easy. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Guitararose]

Thanks, that is good advice.

[shell921]

Get the book called "Why Men Marry *******" by Sherry Argov.
Read it cover-to cover.

You need to move out and get your own place. You should never
live with a man if you want to get married until you have a ring and a commitment.
After you get those things, ok move in. So you need to get out. And never give any man
who is not committed to you 100% of your time, love & attention. You have made yourself
too available and he doesn't VALUE you. Have some standards for yourself.
Do you know that Dr Phil's wife of 33 years--Robin--walked out on him after they had
been dating for 2 years? Yes indeed - she wanted to get married and he said he wasn't ready. So she
broke it off. A few months went by, he realized he missed her and they got back together
because Dr Phil WOKE UP. Your boyfriend needs a wake up call honey.
Give him one. MOVE OUT.

[shell921]

You haven't updated your profile? So you used to be a male but now you are a female? I'm confused. Ok whatever --!! First of all, why do you want to get married? Do you have to have a child? Marriage is not really a good deal for women.

[Guitararose]

haven't updated my profile yet, I'm a female.

[shell921]

Your boyfriend? Your profile says you are a MALE. Is same sex marriage legal where you live?

[Guitararose]

Well I guess my situation is just like so many on this forum but I still want to hear whatever advice anyone has for me. My boyfriend and I have been very happy together for almost three years and have lived together for almost two of those years. We have never had a major fight and have a great life together.

Many of our friends are getting married and we'd never discussed the topic. I finally brought it up and found out that just as much as I'm for it, he's against it. We both cried and cried together and said we didn't want to break up but know we should. We both agreed it's not fair for me to be in a relationship that's actually keeping me from meeting someone who will want to marry me. He was so sweet even during this conversation but would not change his feeling on the marriage thing.

I've never been in a relationship this serious and the thought of losing him makes me want to just forget marriage. Being that this all happened within less than 24 hours ago, I am in a state of shock. I feel like my insides are being ripped out and I can't stop crying. I just want to stay with him forever and give up on marriage so that I don't have to feel this way. I don't want to end up with no one.

What should I do? Forget about marriage and be in a loving relationship or end it in order to possibly find someone who wants to commit?