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I want to get married, but future is uncertain
I am 32 years old and I’ve been with my boyfriend a little over 3 years. We immediately clicked when we first met and had a lot in common and have never been more in love. Even our families are surprised how compatible we are and we rarely fight about anything. This is also our first long-term committed relationship for both us. We’ve talked about marriage and what we want in the future.
He 38 and returning student in college for an engineering degree, working part-time. He wants to finish and be fully employed before we get married and live together. Early on in the relationship he told me it would only take him roughly 3 years, but in the 3 years we’ve been together he’s not even close to getting into the engineering program. He slowed down on taking classes and has been dragging his feet with school, not putting much effort into studying or taking on more classes. It will take him 6 years at this point to get his BA. That was daunting, waiting that long to take things further. He is just as frustrated as me, but seems unwilling to put the effort to try harder to get through it.
Then these past few weeks ago he had to undergo emergency surgery for a retina tear in his left eye. It was a bit traumatic for both of us since it is right before he starts fall semester. Shortly after his recovery the fear of high medical bills loomed since he has no insurance for his part-time job. When I asked what we would need to do, he said just to ignore them when they came in the mail. I was shocked beyond belief. I know he’s as scared as I am, but ignoring a possible 20k bill could lead to some dire consequences. He told me when he had surgery on his hand when he was 20 years-old he was unable to pay it, so he just threw away the bill. Surprisingly and probably by a stroke of pure luck there were no creditors banging on his door and there were no threatening letters to sue, but it did leave a nasty black mark on his credit. It took about 7 years, but it did go away completely and he didn’t have to pay a dime. Now at 38 years-old, he thinks he can do again without even considering looking into Medicad or a payment plan with the hospital. He’d rather not deal with it and let it ruin his credit than fight and try to handle it.
If this is how he deals problems, how will this reflect on our marriage? Even though he tells me not to worry and there is nothing I can do, I am scared and very afraid for our future. He seems unwilling to put the effort in school and this current medical scare, choosing to let things fall as they will – like it only affects him and him alone. I know it's a defense mechanism, but he fails to see how this affects me as well.
In all honesty this is our first if not HUGE relationship road-block we've hit together. Needless to say I'm scared out of my mind and every instinct tells to get the hell out. I'm not sure if its worth trying to work things out to try to make things better.
He 38 and returning student in college for an engineering degree, working part-time. He wants to finish and be fully employed before we get married and live together. Early on in the relationship he told me it would only take him roughly 3 years, but in the 3 years we’ve been together he’s not even close to getting into the engineering program. He slowed down on taking classes and has been dragging his feet with school, not putting much effort into studying or taking on more classes. It will take him 6 years at this point to get his BA. That was daunting, waiting that long to take things further. He is just as frustrated as me, but seems unwilling to put the effort to try harder to get through it.
Then these past few weeks ago he had to undergo emergency surgery for a retina tear in his left eye. It was a bit traumatic for both of us since it is right before he starts fall semester. Shortly after his recovery the fear of high medical bills loomed since he has no insurance for his part-time job. When I asked what we would need to do, he said just to ignore them when they came in the mail. I was shocked beyond belief. I know he’s as scared as I am, but ignoring a possible 20k bill could lead to some dire consequences. He told me when he had surgery on his hand when he was 20 years-old he was unable to pay it, so he just threw away the bill. Surprisingly and probably by a stroke of pure luck there were no creditors banging on his door and there were no threatening letters to sue, but it did leave a nasty black mark on his credit. It took about 7 years, but it did go away completely and he didn’t have to pay a dime. Now at 38 years-old, he thinks he can do again without even considering looking into Medicad or a payment plan with the hospital. He’d rather not deal with it and let it ruin his credit than fight and try to handle it.
If this is how he deals problems, how will this reflect on our marriage? Even though he tells me not to worry and there is nothing I can do, I am scared and very afraid for our future. He seems unwilling to put the effort in school and this current medical scare, choosing to let things fall as they will – like it only affects him and him alone. I know it's a defense mechanism, but he fails to see how this affects me as well.
In all honesty this is our first if not HUGE relationship road-block we've hit together. Needless to say I'm scared out of my mind and every instinct tells to get the hell out. I'm not sure if its worth trying to work things out to try to make things better.
But on the financial responsibility side of things, if he's irresponsible with his money and/or credit, that's something to take into consideration. Once you're married, your money is his money.
One thing I've always been told is, if you wait for the perfect time to do something it will never happen. There's never a "perfect time" and if you want something out of life you have to just jump in and do it. It's good to have a time frame as a goal to shoot for, but don't let it become a restriction. If you're emotionally ready to be married, do it. Don't let school or money stand in your way.
Agree with the above posters.
I would get out and get out ASAP! If you stay don't EVER consider marriage with this guy.
Financial problems are one of the MAJOR reasons for divorce and so is a dead beat partner.
I would get out and get out ASAP! If you stay don't EVER consider marriage with this guy.
Financial problems are one of the MAJOR reasons for divorce and so is a dead beat partner.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh goodness. Well, you are articulate, clearly very smart and wise and responsible. You sound to be the grown up in this relationship. :>) Why do we date? To discover what we need to know about someone for long term. You know that he doesn't deal with problems, he either runs or avoids them, he has low character and will basically shirk off his duty/responsibility, his work ethic is a bit questionable, and he is complacent with a life that isn't really improving over the years.
Hon, I know for a fact you can have more than this for your life. I would not be with someone that I had these questions about. I would strongly consider if it is not time to move on and find another adult to be with. good luck dear
Hon, I know for a fact you can have more than this for your life. I would not be with someone that I had these questions about. I would strongly consider if it is not time to move on and find another adult to be with. good luck dear
I think You are wise to be "scared and very afraid for Your future"
You say this is Your "first relationship road block" but You DO see it is "HUGE". I totally agree - this is HUGE, very, very HUGE.
What most of us fail to realize (it's called denial) is 'What You See Is What You Get'. We often ignore the red flags and think things will change or be different once We marry. They don't. I stress again: What We See Is What We Get.
He is giving You Big Signals and Valuable Information about HimSelf here; You should heed it.
You say this is Your "first relationship road block" but You DO see it is "HUGE". I totally agree - this is HUGE, very, very HUGE.
What most of us fail to realize (it's called denial) is 'What You See Is What You Get'. We often ignore the red flags and think things will change or be different once We marry. They don't. I stress again: What We See Is What We Get.
He is giving You Big Signals and Valuable Information about HimSelf here; You should heed it.
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