Aa
I'm 13 but feel like I'm an adult
Hi. My name is Brooklyn. I'm 13-years-old, and I like cutting myself. I also make myself vomit.
Ever scince I turned 10 things went down hill...very quickly. It started ever scince my brother would hit me, kick me, anything. He even beat me with his words. (My brother is 15 now)
Then I turned 11. I was in the 5th grade, (I'm in 7th now) and my brother tried to kill himself. Some stupid reason, my dad tried to take away his computer, so he hung himself. I had just gotton home from Tae Kwon Do, and they ended up dragging him to the mental hospital for 2 weeks. That 2 weeks was depressing, and every time I felt like without him there it was relaxing made me feel like a bad person.
After he got home everything seemed fine, he had stopped hitting me by now. Now he only called me names and flicked me off. Ya know, brother and sister stuff. Well I mean, I would never do anything unless he did something to me.
But anywho, he was diagnosed with alot of stuff, and now takes alot of pills a day. During that 5th grade year I would write poetry about how I wanted to die, and kill myself. My mom would make me show my thereipist those writings and she would tell mom it was just my way of expressing myself.
I still remember that summer before 6th grade when my brother beat me with a broom. He took my phone that I was going to use to call my dad, and wouldn't give it back. So I called him stupid and he started hitting me with a broom, the handle part. I eventually fell to the ground, and gave up. I was screaming during all of this, begging for someone to hear. I wished I was dead, I would have given anything to be dead. He finally stopped when the neighboors rang the door bell, he pushed me outside the back, locked the door, and answered the front door. I curled up, closing my eyes. I fell asleep outside waiting for my dad to come home, scince he came home before mom. He did, and finally let me in. Carter, my brother, didn't get in trouble. He got yelled at, but that was it. Then my mom yelled at ME when she got home, about how I "shouldn't have antagonized him."
6th grade was just as bad. I stopped seeing my thereipist scince she was too far away, and started middle school. I had tons of friends, and my home life was so bad, I relied on school. With out it I would have killed myself by now. My friends were understanding, and when it got to 8th peirod (last peirod of the day) I would feel sad. Because that ment I would have to take the bus and come home to my mental mother and brother, and semi-normal dad. Pretty much 6th grade consisted of me going to the counslers and threatening to kill myself, hiding in my room, not talking to my family for weeks sometimes, not uttering a single word, and watching my brother get whatever he wants.
Yes I do envy my brother. Scince he has "issues" all he has to do is clean up his room and he gets 100$ that we don't have to buy something online. While me, I have to clean the whole downstairs, and my room or I get grounded. Sometimes my dad even cleans my brother's room for him! While me? I need a new door for my room! My brother broke it off its hinges almost!
Like I said I loved school, that's why I was so sad when summer started. Summer. The time when I first started cutting myself. Ever scince 5th grade I had scratched myself with pens, and penciles, but it wasn't until summer when I hurt myself with sissors.
By this time, my brother and parents were in love with out new thereipist Chris. He was their EVERYTHING, a marrige counsler, a friend, and a person that could make me shut up and go to my room. I don't care how "amazing" Chris is. And I don't care if he does "have kids my age." That doesn't make me resent him less. I just don't feel comfortable talking to him, even thought my parents say to give him a chance. Maybe I don't want to.
I don't remember the first time I actually made my arm shed blood, I just know it was during the summer of 2010. I also don't remember why. But basically I have sissors, and I scratch my arm until it bleeds. I've done this 7 times. Even one time at school, no one noticed scince I was wearing long sleeve. I showed my dad and he really could care less, same with my mom.
I recall having to show Chris, and he even said "That isn't so bad." So if mom, dad, AND Chris don't care, then why should I? I don't. It makes me feel better, and makes me numb. An emotion that isn't happy but most importantly isn't sad. It's just...numb.
Another thing that makes me happy, and feel in control is making myself throw up. I started doing this a few weeks before school started (7th grade, the grade I'm in now) It started with me eating breakfast, throwing that up, lunch, throwing that up, and dinner, throwing that up. But now I try to only eat dinner and throw that up. My parents and brother don't know. Ever scince I admitted cutting myself and promising to stop (which I havn't) they think I'm just fine. But I'm not. I felt weak every night, just wanting never to wake up ever again. I am a healthy weight. The weight I'm suposed to weigh for a 5'2 13-year-old. But I keep watching TV and seeing people express how being 130 pounds is so fat, and they need to be 98 lbs if they want to fit in to their dress. I'm 110, and not fat. But according to hollywood I am. And that really ***** considering I want to act.
Then 7th grade started. It's my 3rd week of school right now, and I feel more independant than I ever have. I handle problems, boy trouble, and dinner on my own alot. I do my homework and projects myself. I try not to bother my parents with silly questions I might have on my homework, or stories I've written so I don't annoy them.
I worry about turning 18, and not having enough money to suport myself and living on my own. I worry about not being able to pay for college or the rent and light bill electric bill! I worry about so much until I explode with anger! School is still my santuary, but it really isn't easy. I'm very happy to have my friends there, to make me feel better but stressed about all my work. I want to be an author when I grow up, so what does math and science have to do with that?
I just recently got a 0 in the grade book from my English teacher because I failed to turn in my homework on time. I left it at home, and she wouldn't give me an extra day to make it up. So now I'm failing English.
Next peirod, math. My homework was at home as well, same thing. I wasn't allowed to make it up. Now I'm failing math. And to add to all of that I have 3 projects that are do the exact same day!!! One for Science, one for History and one for English! But do I have time to do these projects? NO! I have acting classes at the end of the day, so I don't go home until 7:00pm, where I have to eat, take a shower, do my other homework and go to bed. On mondays and fridays I don't make it home until 9:00pm because of a play I'm working on performing, and on wednesdays I don't make it home until 10:00pm because I have sword fighting.
And don't any of you DARE say that I should give up one of these thing because I can't! My parents won't let me! We already signed a contract, they already spent the money so I can't quit. I must suffer.
Ever scince I turned 10 things went down hill...very quickly. It started ever scince my brother would hit me, kick me, anything. He even beat me with his words. (My brother is 15 now)
Then I turned 11. I was in the 5th grade, (I'm in 7th now) and my brother tried to kill himself. Some stupid reason, my dad tried to take away his computer, so he hung himself. I had just gotton home from Tae Kwon Do, and they ended up dragging him to the mental hospital for 2 weeks. That 2 weeks was depressing, and every time I felt like without him there it was relaxing made me feel like a bad person.
After he got home everything seemed fine, he had stopped hitting me by now. Now he only called me names and flicked me off. Ya know, brother and sister stuff. Well I mean, I would never do anything unless he did something to me.
But anywho, he was diagnosed with alot of stuff, and now takes alot of pills a day. During that 5th grade year I would write poetry about how I wanted to die, and kill myself. My mom would make me show my thereipist those writings and she would tell mom it was just my way of expressing myself.
I still remember that summer before 6th grade when my brother beat me with a broom. He took my phone that I was going to use to call my dad, and wouldn't give it back. So I called him stupid and he started hitting me with a broom, the handle part. I eventually fell to the ground, and gave up. I was screaming during all of this, begging for someone to hear. I wished I was dead, I would have given anything to be dead. He finally stopped when the neighboors rang the door bell, he pushed me outside the back, locked the door, and answered the front door. I curled up, closing my eyes. I fell asleep outside waiting for my dad to come home, scince he came home before mom. He did, and finally let me in. Carter, my brother, didn't get in trouble. He got yelled at, but that was it. Then my mom yelled at ME when she got home, about how I "shouldn't have antagonized him."
6th grade was just as bad. I stopped seeing my thereipist scince she was too far away, and started middle school. I had tons of friends, and my home life was so bad, I relied on school. With out it I would have killed myself by now. My friends were understanding, and when it got to 8th peirod (last peirod of the day) I would feel sad. Because that ment I would have to take the bus and come home to my mental mother and brother, and semi-normal dad. Pretty much 6th grade consisted of me going to the counslers and threatening to kill myself, hiding in my room, not talking to my family for weeks sometimes, not uttering a single word, and watching my brother get whatever he wants.
Yes I do envy my brother. Scince he has "issues" all he has to do is clean up his room and he gets 100$ that we don't have to buy something online. While me, I have to clean the whole downstairs, and my room or I get grounded. Sometimes my dad even cleans my brother's room for him! While me? I need a new door for my room! My brother broke it off its hinges almost!
Like I said I loved school, that's why I was so sad when summer started. Summer. The time when I first started cutting myself. Ever scince 5th grade I had scratched myself with pens, and penciles, but it wasn't until summer when I hurt myself with sissors.
By this time, my brother and parents were in love with out new thereipist Chris. He was their EVERYTHING, a marrige counsler, a friend, and a person that could make me shut up and go to my room. I don't care how "amazing" Chris is. And I don't care if he does "have kids my age." That doesn't make me resent him less. I just don't feel comfortable talking to him, even thought my parents say to give him a chance. Maybe I don't want to.
I don't remember the first time I actually made my arm shed blood, I just know it was during the summer of 2010. I also don't remember why. But basically I have sissors, and I scratch my arm until it bleeds. I've done this 7 times. Even one time at school, no one noticed scince I was wearing long sleeve. I showed my dad and he really could care less, same with my mom.
I recall having to show Chris, and he even said "That isn't so bad." So if mom, dad, AND Chris don't care, then why should I? I don't. It makes me feel better, and makes me numb. An emotion that isn't happy but most importantly isn't sad. It's just...numb.
Another thing that makes me happy, and feel in control is making myself throw up. I started doing this a few weeks before school started (7th grade, the grade I'm in now) It started with me eating breakfast, throwing that up, lunch, throwing that up, and dinner, throwing that up. But now I try to only eat dinner and throw that up. My parents and brother don't know. Ever scince I admitted cutting myself and promising to stop (which I havn't) they think I'm just fine. But I'm not. I felt weak every night, just wanting never to wake up ever again. I am a healthy weight. The weight I'm suposed to weigh for a 5'2 13-year-old. But I keep watching TV and seeing people express how being 130 pounds is so fat, and they need to be 98 lbs if they want to fit in to their dress. I'm 110, and not fat. But according to hollywood I am. And that really ***** considering I want to act.
Then 7th grade started. It's my 3rd week of school right now, and I feel more independant than I ever have. I handle problems, boy trouble, and dinner on my own alot. I do my homework and projects myself. I try not to bother my parents with silly questions I might have on my homework, or stories I've written so I don't annoy them.
I worry about turning 18, and not having enough money to suport myself and living on my own. I worry about not being able to pay for college or the rent and light bill electric bill! I worry about so much until I explode with anger! School is still my santuary, but it really isn't easy. I'm very happy to have my friends there, to make me feel better but stressed about all my work. I want to be an author when I grow up, so what does math and science have to do with that?
I just recently got a 0 in the grade book from my English teacher because I failed to turn in my homework on time. I left it at home, and she wouldn't give me an extra day to make it up. So now I'm failing English.
Next peirod, math. My homework was at home as well, same thing. I wasn't allowed to make it up. Now I'm failing math. And to add to all of that I have 3 projects that are do the exact same day!!! One for Science, one for History and one for English! But do I have time to do these projects? NO! I have acting classes at the end of the day, so I don't go home until 7:00pm, where I have to eat, take a shower, do my other homework and go to bed. On mondays and fridays I don't make it home until 9:00pm because of a play I'm working on performing, and on wednesdays I don't make it home until 10:00pm because I have sword fighting.
And don't any of you DARE say that I should give up one of these thing because I can't! My parents won't let me! We already signed a contract, they already spent the money so I can't quit. I must suffer.
This is entirely irrelevant to this topic, but I felt it was best to clarify: I, myenzoorka, am not the one who had asked for advice. BreakingTheHabbit was the original poster looking for help. I only mention it because I would really like her to read any helpful messages that may be left here and when the messages say they are to me, she may not understand that the messages are meant for her.
BreakingTheHabbit: I hope that, whatever you do with the above advice, things will start getting better for you.
BreakingTheHabbit: I hope that, whatever you do with the above advice, things will start getting better for you.
Yes, school counselors to take steps to intervene where there is abuse in the household. I have a very close friend whes husband was battering her around. Their 12 year old son saw this and got very upset. Ironically in school the teacher or maybe a visiting counselor was talking to the kids about abuse. The son asked some pertinent questions about the subject. The teacher asked him if there was abuse in his houehold . The poor kid didn't know what to say but he reluctantly admitted that there was. Lo and behold DYUS came to the home and put the husband out and he had to live in his truck until they reconciled a few weeks later. I don't know what state you live in but I'm sure you can get some kind of similar help at school.
Dee
Dee
Sounds like you can be whatever you want to be. You are very intelligent and well spoken for your age. I have a daughter the same age as you, but she is still immature at times. I am thankful for that immaturity at times too. Can you go to your school counselor?
Sweetie,
You are in a very bad environment and ironically it is your home. My heart goes out to you. You have truly suffered abuse from everyone in the household. I can't understand why your parents are not supporting you in a time of great need. It's a shame that you like school and have failing grades now because of your abusive home situation. I know everyone else has said this already but it really would be a tremendous relief for you if you could live with another relative. A person who is emotionally supportive, knows about all your grief and despair and truly wants to help you. You are way over due for piece of mind. You deserve a break. Please don't cut yourself , etc. Why should you do that to yourself because of a mentally ill brother who abuses you. I'm glad you found this website. Get on here and talk as much as you need to. We are listening and wanting to help. God bless you, my dear and keep me (us) posted.
Dee
You are in a very bad environment and ironically it is your home. My heart goes out to you. You have truly suffered abuse from everyone in the household. I can't understand why your parents are not supporting you in a time of great need. It's a shame that you like school and have failing grades now because of your abusive home situation. I know everyone else has said this already but it really would be a tremendous relief for you if you could live with another relative. A person who is emotionally supportive, knows about all your grief and despair and truly wants to help you. You are way over due for piece of mind. You deserve a break. Please don't cut yourself , etc. Why should you do that to yourself because of a mentally ill brother who abuses you. I'm glad you found this website. Get on here and talk as much as you need to. We are listening and wanting to help. God bless you, my dear and keep me (us) posted.
Dee
It sounds like your life is a mess. I think it is time that you talk to a trusted adult at your school. If your parents won't listen to you that is a bad thing, that you need to get help with right away. You are failing classes on top of that, also not good. A lot of times good things will come of going to a trusted adult at school.
Like someone else said you might want to try living with someone else if you can. That might help out a lot. I hope you get your life back together soon.
Like someone else said you might want to try living with someone else if you can. That might help out a lot. I hope you get your life back together soon.
Since school feels like a safe place for you, you should seek out your school counselor. Maybe you would feel more comfortable talking to a counselor on "your territory." Explain everything. They can help. They may even be able to help delay the due dates for your projects since you are obviously in a very dangerous place emotionally. At very least, they can offer ways to help cope with everything - even when your parents aren't willing to help. If, for some reason you try and find the school counselor is not helpful to you - you can still try the school nurse, or even the principal. Most of the people who work at a school are somewhat familiar with problems like these from the students and are very ready to help someone in trouble. Take advantage that you feel so comfortable at school and get help there!
well, i don't really know what to say. only thing i can do is try to make home a little better by talking to you here, if you want. if you want to talk,
message me.
message me.
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