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I'm a Cheater
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I'm a Cheater

I'm a 43 year old man married 23 years to a wonderful I have hurt badly.  I have cheated twice on her.  The first time was ten years ago when I was approached by a woman that took interest in me.  I don't know what made me or allowed me to cheat the first time, but I still feel embarrassment and shame about the affair.  My wife forgave me and I told her it wouldn't happen again and I meant it.  Last year, I went to a site that I had no business going to.  I began looking and decided to list myself as a married man seeking married woman for a discrete relationship.  I posted very specific requirements and read through many before deciding on who I wanted to chat with and eventually see were my quest will go. The requirements I had that were not posted was a woman of looks that weren't so hot, a little heavy and not getting what she wanted at home.  I wanted to try someone that was missing the attention and physical love that I knew I could do.  When we realize the compatibility, the interest and we could communicate well, we got tested for STD's for safety.  Then it was on.  We became attached and good friends.  I even started a business where she was part of the business.  I became obsessed with her physical love and attention toward me and enjoyed her greatly.  she enjoyed me as well as she often cried as we made love and told me no one had ever treated her as I had, nor talked to her as I did.  because she wasn't that great looking and heavy, she was shy about her body. I took her out of her comfort zone making her learn that she did not need to be ashamed of her body.  We became close and continued to enjoy.  I did her a favor and found some information for her that she could not find on her own about why her father had gone to prison.  I found the information, but couldn't tell her at first.  Her father, grandfather, cousin, the man she was married to and three other men kidnapped and raped a married woman and mother.  She had no idea.  I finally told her and I saw that something deeper was wrong, but could figure what.  We became closer and she told me things that were awful.  I am the first and only to know that at age 11, she was raped by her father and it continued for a year or so until the mother divorced him.  Then she was raped again by two teens when she was 15 years old while living in a poor region at poverty level.  She was raped one last time at age 17 and that resulted in a child.  These are secrets she kept to herself and only her mother knows about the last rape.  She confided in me and I imagine because I became her friend and shown her attention she never knew before.  She tried hard to treat me like a king and will do anything to please me and ask often what I would like.  The attention from her is wonderful, but she is flawed as I am, but worse.  My wife discovered I was cheating because I became distant and she saw the signs of the first time I cheated.  I have hurt my wife and I love her so much, but I have such a problem.  I want to tell this other woman to leave me alone so I can heal myself and try like hell to win my wifes trust if thats possible.  My wife sees me as a trophy man I think and everywhere I go, I hear like comments because I have always been successful and made great achievements that others will never see in a life time.  I'm afraid to tell the other woman to leave me alone and don't know why. I need help so badly because I do not want to lose my wife, the respect of my family or lose myself in this.  I hate what I have done and I need help.  I cry often. I hurt badly.  Inside I am a mess and outside I appear fine.  My wife told me tonight she doesn't know what to do. She doesn't know to stay or go.  I never want her to go. When we thought we would divorce last spring, I saw my life leaving me and my destiny was not existent to me without her. Please help me. Where do I start and how?
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455859_tn?1233367388

WOW ohhh WOW where do I start I need to smoke before I say anything I need to process this well first and separate my heart and pain first!!!!!

SOOO this is a hard one there r sooo many peoples feeling's at risk here first and for most Ur wife then the other woman and last but not least u

There are always 3 sides to a story here there are 4 the people involved and then the truth I am going off of urs and only urs and adding my PERSONAL OPINION AS A WIFE WHO HAS BEEN THERE (we were sooo young so I give him the benefit of that and after 10 years I just am now forgiving him and letting it go I hold grudges though and we are all different and in different situations) sooo here I go

Personally I feel for ur wife more then any of the rest of u (not to be rude by any means) because the other woman knew u were married and was also married the 2 of u made this choice not taking into consideration the people who would suffer because of ur choices and actions and now u have just cut open a scar and sliced it straight to the bone breaking ur wife’s heart and possibly ruining ur family for something u very well could have gotten from home if u spoke up and used ur words instead of searching 4 it somewhere else I'm not in ur home so I do not know everything but this is the worst thing u can do to a woman especially if she TRUELY LOVES U if she forgives u consider ur self a very lucky man but when she makes accusations u must understand this pain creates fear and that fear festers inside of us we can not just let it go and forget it we will constantly bring it up and want to know why and feel as if it is our fault what did we do what could we have done to change this to make u only want us for most women sex is not just an action but a emotional connection so it is very difficult to understand random sex with out feelings without some sort of emotional connection I say this from my personal opinions not facts but I can't stress that enough Do not treat her with anger because u are angry at ur self this will not help the situation AT ALL LISTEN 2 HER AND ANSWER ALL HER QUESTIONS HONESTLY THAT IS UR ONLY HOPE AND UNDERSTAND U MAY  HAVE 2 HERE ABOUT THIS 4 A VERY LONG TIME AND THAT IS ONLY FARE 4 U HAVE CRUSHED THIS WOMAN U CLAIM 2 LOVE THIS IS OUR WAY OF COPING WE WANT 2 TALK ABOUT IT AND U WANT 2 FORGET ABOUT IT THERE ON THE OPPOSIT END OF THE SPECTRUMS

Now as 4 this other woman she is attached 2 u she has been through a lot in her life and has opened up 2 u she will be in pain for this loss but u must cut all ties in order to save ur marriage which is more important 2 U her or ur wife only U can make this choice and know one else there is absolutely no way u can even continue a friendship with her and ur wife will understand and accept this by any means at all U must explain that ur wife knows and u want to be with ur wife and u had no intentions on hurting this other woman and u didn't relies how much she  would open up 2 u and become attached 2 u u must explain that she knew u were married and it is now time to cut this off u r sorry 4 any pain u have caused but must put ur wife first because she didn’t CHOOSE THIS THE 2 OF U DID and pray she doesn't do what Joey budafucos(SP) mistress did that would be awful ur wife suffers ounce again from this traumatic event

Now as 4 obviously u have a huge job of cleaning up this havoc u have caused but have u now learned ur lesson a heart is not a toy 2 be played with ur actions and choices effect more lives then just ur own it is the domino effect I do not judge u or think ur a bad person but please think of how ur actions and choices can effect others sooo deeply and in this case there was no way people weren’t going 2 get hurt we do things and mean well and still people get hurt and it effects them some how 4 ever even in a small way I am out of words 4 now but good luck and god bless  

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463595_tn?1334000822
so now she is the other woman. she open her self to you , and now when your wife found out what u did , you want to tell her to go away. You so shelfish, the only fink you care about is your posision. don't tell us that u love your wife, all of thet will never happened. evevn if your wife will forgive you , you will do it again and again. I feel sorry for her and the other woman, but not at all for u.
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Avatar_f_tn
I would like to send a nice comment, but i dont feel that you deserve one, first of all you got caught cheating, and you say you still feel bad about it, but you do so again, and the way you talk,so you say about going about getting the second woman, sounds like you are making a careful survey, and figuring out you manuvers, so to speak as you go,then you jump in with both feet, and are so obsessed with this woman,enjoyed the  fobidden fruit so to speak until you are caught again.Also it sounds like you say you are doing her a favor by sleeping with her because she was heavy, and not much to look at then you say she tells only you her secret, she had been abused, AND you tell the whole Internet about that .do you now know that a girl that has been abused has been to heck. so to speak and has suffered so much, and then you let out her secret, and verbally abnuse her, with words that hurt,, what kind of man does that to a woman that has been abused. you want help? I do not codone her cheating with a married man, but you are worse,I say ( Shame on you ) I think that you have an ego as big as dallas, and if your wife takes you back, how long until you begin to think of cheating No 3 also you ought to stand up and take it on the chin, and not run down the other person you claim to have cared so much about maybe you need couseling who knows jo
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Avatar_n_tn
I saw the site name.  It seems a place for ME to get help for a direction for me to start.  I told the story and not mention a name of anyone involved.  I was hopeful that I would get some suggestions to help me with my problems.  I guess what I never shared is I told on myself the first time.  I confessed the second.  My conscience has always bothered me and yet I can't express why I did what I did other than it was a selfish act. I want the help. I feel with except to FreeSpirit4Life and teko that I have come across a bunch of haters that offer no suggestions to my problem.  I hate what I did.  I do not think I am a very good person for what I have done.  I would be more than happy to take it on the chin if that is what it takes and even better, my service pistol can finish me off if anyone has the courage to pull the trigger for me.  I am a coward and a cheat.  I asked for help and I suppose the hate message some of you send hits home as I hurt more and more and my evil sinks in.  I also think my typing misrepresents my present state and demeanor as I am sincere with remorse like I never felt before.  I'm cried out, shut out and on the way out..  And yes, today my wife said she is tired of the sorries and the me saying I will do right.  She is probably gone at any cost and when she is gone, I am gone as well.  Thank you to those that can understand that I came here on my own without my wifes knowledge for help and a little hope.  I guess in a few years, I'll be some other womans problem since once a cheat always a cheat... right girls? May God give you all your wishes and I or someone have the courage to do what you all feel is just to me.
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Avatar_f_tn
I am one that did down, you the most-and i would not have ,if you had not have said the other woman was as flawed. I guess it sounded to me like you were bragging a bit, and tryng for an excuse I am sorry, if you really need help, then you must see a counsler,as i am just a woman, and i felt that you did not sound very remoresful, and am sorry,if i offended you, but you can straighten out you life go to a therapist, then a group if you really need help.I think maybe i may have judged you, and i had no right to do that,we are all human, and i was just responding so to speak, about you telling all of it,and i have worked with many abused people, and that probably hit a nerve, as they do have a hard time you know, if you want to continue on forum, I will promise to do all that i can to help, but as i say, all i can do is listen and comment    sorry again if i came down to hard     good luck   jo
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82861_tn?1333457511
For whatever reason, you seem to like to hurt women.  You hurt your wife, and you've hurt the other women.  I particularly feel for your current "other woman."  She has been emotionally damaged, you played God with her feelings and life, and now you want to kick her in the teeth.  You said it yourself: you've gone evil.  Doing evil is a deal breaker in my book.  Mistakes can be learned from and maybe even forgiven in a marriage, but a conscious decision to wreck 2 women's lives as a boost to your ego and a salve to your soul is... well, I can't even think of a good word.

So, what do you do now?  If your wife is smart, she'll kick you to the curb.  Maybe your new woman will keep you around for awhile.  In the meantime, I hope you start therapy with a psychologist so that some day you'll be able to have an honest, mature relationship.
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455859_tn?1233367388
Those who Judge will only be judged but in a even worse way and hurtful way everyone is human and we all have made mistakes and done things in our life we regret it is not fare to say what is of the lesser evils yes was he wrong of course but it is not fare to make RUDE JUDGEMENTLE COMMENTS there is not a single person on here who has not sinned in some way in there life and to be sooo harsh when someone reaches out and puts them self out so rawly admitting there mistakes to act like this toward him is not right u can deliver ur selves a little bit better instead of just shooting him down with harsh and hurtful words I understand this is a sore subject especially if u have been hurt in this way but all people can change if they WANT TO CHANGE it is no ones job to punish him karma works in mysterious ways do un to others as u would want done to u that goes with speaking to others also
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152852_tn?1205717026
It's interesting--there are two points that stood out to me in your original post.  One was how you mentioned how you sought a very specific type of women with whom to have an affair--one who would not likely be overwhelmed with offers from other men and who would appreciate you, to the point of being grateful.  And you also listed some of the things you did to make her feel appreciative and ultimately dependent upon you.  This was intentional.  You seem to have a bit of a rescuer mentality.

The other thing I noticed is how you view your wife's pride in you as her seeing you as a trophy husband.  I'd be willing to bet that she loves you and is proud of you (as I am my husband).  Your defining it as her viewing you as a trophy is telling--I'm guessing it's more about you viewing yourself as a trophy.

Not only do I see you as a rescuer, I'm guessing you are more than a bit narcissistic.  You seem to like yourself and the fact that you are successful.  You view yourself as having a lot to offer and felt the desire to have mercy on some unlovable (in her eyes) woman.  And while you claim to love your wife, you have some unhealthy need to "share the wealth of all that is wonderful about you" and fulfill desires of a damsel in distress--a lonely woman who feels unloved, unlovable, and undeserving.

I seriously think that psychotherapy is in order.  You aren't going to get some magical suggestion that will lead to some revelation that puts you on the right path.  Seeing the value in your wife is obviously not enough to keep you from needing to spread all that is wonderful about you (in your eyes) around.  And Teko is right...this wasn't an impulsive thing--it was planned and there were many, many times you could have put the breaks on it all, but you did not.

Feeling sorry for yourself and describing your guilt isn't going to make anything better either.  It isn't going to make you a good husband.  And it isn't going to stop you from cheating in the future (the potential guilt and supposedly feeling horrible didn't work twice so far).

This isn't a "what can I do to make this situation better" issue--this is a personality flaw that needs serious long-term work with a reputable therapist.
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455859_tn?1233367388
Very well said thank u!!! U hit points and thing I didn't even think of and u did it gracefully I totally agree with u this is a personality flaw that needs serious long-term work with a reputable therapist. U R completely right on that and that is really all that is left to be said about what there is to do about this issue
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299889_tn?1257342977
I have read your post and feel you may have a lot of codependent issues.  Please try to atleast get a book on it, the author of some are Melody beattie.  It is not so much about what you did with whom and where as to move on with your life.  Set some boundaries and try to figure out why you do what you do.  I feel the feelings run deeper
than just affairs, Therapy or marriage counseling could help but I feel you have issues as a person.  A lot of us do.  
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299889_tn?1257342977
The above message where I put free spirit was intended for you George, I got mixed up....
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Avatar_f_tn
First off, we are all human and make mistakes.  Second, you are just as flawed if not more so than the woman you cheated with.  Third, I know many successful people and to be frank, success does not in any way define moral or character....something to think about.  My fiance is an oral surgeon...does that mean he's SOO wonderfull???? perhaps, and perhaps not.  Making those who are less successful envy us makes us worse than the drunk on the street corner asking for money.  EVERYONE can be successful.....  And to be frank, it does not matter.  Status means nothing....it's not what you do, it's WHO you are.  And fourth, getting your wife's trust back is going to be EXTREMELY difficult.  I know that you are hurting.  And I know that you are ashamed.  Shame is God's way of telling us that what we're doing is wrong.  I would DEFINATELY involve a third party in this matter.....like a counselor....I think you may even qualify to get help from doctor phil...I'm not making light of your situation...he has helped thousands.  I truly do feel for you....I too have done bad things and they weigh heavy on my heart.  All we can do is force ourselves to accept responsibility and vowe to make a change and pay penance for what we've done.  Truly do wish you all the best.  Sorry to sound harsh.....But I do pray you find peace.  
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Avatar_m_tn
Atleast one woman here has a little sense,, The guy was asking and pleading for HELP not comdemnation.... You said it best FreeSpirit..
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Avatar_f_tn
I don't understand why you cheated on your wife a second time. Usually people make one mistake, buy when they really regret, they learn the lesson, become good, ask for forgiveness and move on. The fact that you carefully planned the second cheating is sickening. But anyway, I can't say much as I don't know what issues you had as a person and as a partner and how many baggages you might have been carrying. Maybe your marriage was not so good after all. However, I can't find a valid enough excuse for what you have done. You are in a big mess now. What is clear is that you can't have both ladies. Leave one alone for her own good. You will hurt her for sure, that's inevitable, but you knew it from the very beginning and you carried on anyway, so now face the consequences. Your wife has already forgiven you once. If she truly forgives you a second time then she is way too good for you or there's something very wrong with her. Maybe the other lady needs you more and is more compatible with you. I'm not sure. I'd suggest you seek professional help to understand yourself and what you really want. I think you are very confused. Then when you know what you really want go for couple therapy with the one lady who can be with you after what you have done and whom you can love once and for all. Wish you all the best.
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469901_tn?1276567223
Get into counseling.  If your wife will go with you and if she has the capacity to forgive you again, you are a lucky man.  
You wrote that you almost divorced last spring.  Where does your affair occur in relation to that event?
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455859_tn?1233367388

BornTwoRiff- Thank u I just think it is much easier to hate and hold resentments then to forgive and when u do this u r truly only hurting ur self and giving ur self that much more baggage that does not mean that u let people walk on u but people will treat  u the way that u let them treat u and if they know that u will just brush it off with out u making them accountable well then they will continue to do wrong and well if I were kicked to the curb for every wrong thing I did with never any forgiveness well I would be a very sad and abandoned person I may have done it to my self but Even though we do wrong does not make us bad people some of us just take a little longer to learn from are mistakes is all

susieq87- I’m a caretaker and I know I am I have read a lot of very good books on it but I still do believe in forgiveness no matter what I believe in love not hate and that is something that will never change and my Karma is coming for the good I have done and also for the bad I have done and I deserve both

Everyone- You have no right to bad mouth his wife just because she forgives maybe u could learn something from her forgiveness is better then seeking revenge and being a vengeful person I applaud her if she takes him back but if he continues to do her wrong then that is another story and I think counseling is a great idea for them and also for her by herself

  
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285848_tn?1219095913
I am also a very forgiving person, even when I should not be. I have been cheated on before on a few occasions by the same man and still forgivin him. Granted I moved on eventually because the relationship was not working for additional reasons. Its always better to forgive then to hold grudges. Some situations make it hard, but sometimes you have to give the person the benefit of doubt. I love my new boyfriend very much and have forgivin him on many occasions. I forgave him when he kissed my friend, because he confessed and knew it was a mistake. I'm still having an issue with trust, but not to where I'm always suspicious of him. I know there is a big difference from kissing someone once and sleeping with someone on many occasions. But it may be just as hard to forgive either. It depends on the person. I am a firm believer in you get what you give. Grudges make life harder to live..and we don't need the stress. I think the same goes for judging people. If you think they're a bad person, you may seem like a bad person for labeling them that way.

Even with that said, I'm still not sure about once a cheater always a cheater. Maybe if someone is cheated on and then goes and cheats on someone, they may learn how bad it is even more. The girl my boyfriend kissed happened to be my best friend, but was also an ex of his who he was with for a few months. She slept with 4 other guys while she was with him. With that being, I wondered why he would even think to cheat with HER of all people. But she lived with me at the time. Its hard to understand why people do what they do, but its all a learning experience. I think he learned his lesson and I forgave him. Still, when I am around this girl and him at the same time, I will not leave them alone. I know they won't do it again, but just the thought makes me feel uneasy. Is this wrong? I don't think so. Is cheating wrong? I believe it is. Does cheating on a person make you a bad person? I don't think so. Life is all about mistakes...that's why the older you get the more experienced you are. Its because you've made more mistakes.
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