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I'm a cheater, how do I gain trust back?
Last week I cheated on my girlfriend of over three years for the first time.
I was extremely intoxicated (15+ beers) and brought a prostitute who was walking by my front door into my place. She attempted to give me oral sex however I was only able to hold an erection for half a minute but I paid her anyways and told her to leave. I know, I'm gross. She wasn't even good looking, she was gross and has nothing on my girlfriend I don't understand it.
Right after it happened I started throwing beer bottles and crying because I couldn't believe what I had done. I don't know what I was thinking, it was almost an out of body experiance and the worst two minutes of my life. I love my girlfriend, and would die for her. We've always had the best of relationships, and soon after college (we're both in our senior year) would like to get married. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and is also my first and only girl I've had sex with.
She was busy with work for 2 days afterwards, in which I pondered whether to tell her. Most of the advice I was able to get was to not tell her. I took her out to a movie one of those days, and tried to fake it. I couldn't look at her the same, every time I ran my hand through her hair, or held her hand I just tried to imagine us 5 years down the road and having this in the way.
I told her the next day. It was a crying mess. Long story short, she has decided to give it some time. She says, a few months. For me to quit drinking (I'm an alcoholic), and get myself together financailly and at school. She said I can still call her once in awhile, and eventually we can go get coffee or a bite here and there and she will see if she can still look at me the same.
Besides the fact that I'm disgusting and a cheater (I know, believe me, it's hard to look at myself right now).
How can I start to regain her trust? How do you think I should go about the next few months? If anybody has been through this and it has worked or not worked, or just anything. Please chime in. Thank you.
I was extremely intoxicated (15+ beers) and brought a prostitute who was walking by my front door into my place. She attempted to give me oral sex however I was only able to hold an erection for half a minute but I paid her anyways and told her to leave. I know, I'm gross. She wasn't even good looking, she was gross and has nothing on my girlfriend I don't understand it.
Right after it happened I started throwing beer bottles and crying because I couldn't believe what I had done. I don't know what I was thinking, it was almost an out of body experiance and the worst two minutes of my life. I love my girlfriend, and would die for her. We've always had the best of relationships, and soon after college (we're both in our senior year) would like to get married. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and is also my first and only girl I've had sex with.
She was busy with work for 2 days afterwards, in which I pondered whether to tell her. Most of the advice I was able to get was to not tell her. I took her out to a movie one of those days, and tried to fake it. I couldn't look at her the same, every time I ran my hand through her hair, or held her hand I just tried to imagine us 5 years down the road and having this in the way.
I told her the next day. It was a crying mess. Long story short, she has decided to give it some time. She says, a few months. For me to quit drinking (I'm an alcoholic), and get myself together financailly and at school. She said I can still call her once in awhile, and eventually we can go get coffee or a bite here and there and she will see if she can still look at me the same.
Besides the fact that I'm disgusting and a cheater (I know, believe me, it's hard to look at myself right now).
How can I start to regain her trust? How do you think I should go about the next few months? If anybody has been through this and it has worked or not worked, or just anything. Please chime in. Thank you.
yes the original post is an old one from 2007 but the comment made by matchbox is a new one from yesterday and i dont agree with what he said so i felt the need to comment on his comment but thank you for telling me i do appreciate it. I also wouldnt want someone who is new looking for some advise to see that the last comment made was the one from matchbox thats all im just looking out for everyone
I was in the same situation but I had about 24 beers and did have sex even though I don't remember it.
I first quit drinking, not cut back but quit. Zero beers for me. Second I gave her time that she needed, but I also would call or send an e-mail or letter letting her know how much I loved her and how sorry i was. Over time she realized that it was the beer that played a huge part in it and that she still did love me. But it takes time, don't press her but just remind her how much you mean to her and how much she means to you. Be romatic with flowers, but don't go over board. Pretend that you just met her again and relive what you did to get her to be your girlfriend.
Biggest thing is to stop drinking. It will take time to learn how to have fun with friends without drinking but after 6 months or so it gets better. I actually go out to bars still with my friends but I just don't drink because no matter what it's not worth losing a loved one.
I first quit drinking, not cut back but quit. Zero beers for me. Second I gave her time that she needed, but I also would call or send an e-mail or letter letting her know how much I loved her and how sorry i was. Over time she realized that it was the beer that played a huge part in it and that she still did love me. But it takes time, don't press her but just remind her how much you mean to her and how much she means to you. Be romatic with flowers, but don't go over board. Pretend that you just met her again and relive what you did to get her to be your girlfriend.
Biggest thing is to stop drinking. It will take time to learn how to have fun with friends without drinking but after 6 months or so it gets better. I actually go out to bars still with my friends but I just don't drink because no matter what it's not worth losing a loved one.
I agree with mami1323, you have a disgusting way of justifing wrong doing. Unlike you atleast this guy had the guts to admit what he did wrong and try to salvage what was left of the relationship atleast he has a problem with drinking its not an excuse but atleast he admits it you on the other hand have a different problem and either dont relize or want to relize and admit it.
Hopefully if you have a significant other she will relize what you are before its to late and if you dont have one we can all figure out why.
Hopefully if you have a significant other she will relize what you are before its to late and if you dont have one we can all figure out why.
That was the most disgusting advice I have ever read. He was wrong and the best thing he did was tell her the truth. To control your consciene when you have lied and hurt someone close to you is not advice. It's not illegal but it's morally wrong. I have nothing to say to you other than I feel bad for your significant other. Glad this post was from 2007.
Everyone on here has their own skeltons in their closets so don't let them cast stones. Cheating is only hurtful if the other person finds out. Your biggest mistake was admitting to it. You said that you couldn't look at her the same way and had a guilty conscience. There are three ways to get over this 1) keep drinking and your troubles will all be forgotten. This is one of the most expensive of the three methods, can eventually take control of your life and put you in a worse situation. 2) Admit your guilt which was the option you chose. This was a big mistake. Hearing a bf or gf tell you that they were cheating is probably the worst way to find out. Think about it from her perspective...if your gf was cheating on you, would you rather catch her in the act where you can prepare your self on how you will confront her or would you rather have her take you out to dinner where your both having a good time, then all of a sudden she catches you off guard and ruins your meal with "i've been cheating on you". Think how selfish that is. she probably pictured you guys getting married someday and you ruined her whole plan and her 3 year relationship because you locked yourself in your room and cried yourself to sleep. Sir, there is nothing morally right about that. 3) The third option is the most unselfish and requires work on your part unlike the other 2 options. Learn to control your conscience. The easiest way to do this is to change your out look on things. Everyone is a sinner, everyone has done something deceitful and morally wrong more then once in their life. How does what you do measure up to that? not too bad when we live in a world full of murderers, stealers, and priest who take advantage of children. Has she done anything the least bit selfish or deceitful towards you? What you've done my friend is not illegal. If you want the easy way out then choose one of the first three options. If you want to live and succeed in this life, then you need to learn to control that conscience and not let it control you. Your only here a short time, learn to live.
I am sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are a good person with a bad problem. I believe that the truth is always the best, even though it will cause some terribly rough times. But her finding out some other way is even worse in the long run. Besides, trying to live with the guilt is TORTURE, way worse in my opinion. You did the right thing by being honest with her and yourself. Very upstanding. Anyways, you need to address the alcoholism first. You need to do it now, because if you don't the rest of your life will snowball downhill. If you really love her you need to get yourself clean. You may even find that you love and respect yourself too, for overcoming such a terrible disease. You cannot have a successful relationship of any kind or with anyone if alcohol is your first love. Best of luck to you.
1. Get in a program.
2. Focus on creating a life for yourself. Booze will kill you, and you may take another innocent person with you.
3. Become a responsible adult.
4. You cheated on her and chances are that you will not be able to make this right. Move one.
5. Leave her alone and let her move on.
6. Don't blame your bad behaviour on the booze, "A drunk man says (or does) what he thinks while sober"
2. Focus on creating a life for yourself. Booze will kill you, and you may take another innocent person with you.
3. Become a responsible adult.
4. You cheated on her and chances are that you will not be able to make this right. Move one.
5. Leave her alone and let her move on.
6. Don't blame your bad behaviour on the booze, "A drunk man says (or does) what he thinks while sober"
"If it was me, I would recommend being tested for STDs before you get back with her- even if it was only 2 minutes, its better to be safe than sorry."
His risk for anything from oral sex was extremely low. So low that there is no need for any STD testing unless he manifests symptoms in his genital area that are not normal for him. That doesn't mean he should be should be on "crotch watch" 24/7. It just means if he notices something that is out of character for his physiology, he can get tested. The most likely risk is for HSV-1 being passed to him genitally, and if he already has HSV-1 on his own mouth (over 60% of the population does), then his risk was even lower for that.
That's not the big issue here - sorry. The guy's an alcoholic and needs to clean up his act.
His risk for anything from oral sex was extremely low. So low that there is no need for any STD testing unless he manifests symptoms in his genital area that are not normal for him. That doesn't mean he should be should be on "crotch watch" 24/7. It just means if he notices something that is out of character for his physiology, he can get tested. The most likely risk is for HSV-1 being passed to him genitally, and if he already has HSV-1 on his own mouth (over 60% of the population does), then his risk was even lower for that.
That's not the big issue here - sorry. The guy's an alcoholic and needs to clean up his act.
I agree with the other posters that this was probably the last straw, as it started with you being intoxicated. Taking care of this problem needs to be a very serious priority and will help you in regaining her trust. It will show her that you care enough about yourself and your future, that you would also care about her enough and any children, if you get married.
Telling her was the right thing to do. If it was me, I would recommend being tested for STDs before you get back with her- even if it was only 2 minutes, its better to be safe than sorry.
As for regaining her trust, I think getting yourself on track is a great start! And if she tells you you can call once in a while, stick to that and respect the boundaries she puts up. Once you have things under control, and she is ready (assuming that she does in fact want to get back together), I think you'll be able to tell by her actions when she is ready for you to start pursuing her more.
Good luck- and while cheating is definitely not a good thing, don't assume that it means you're a terrible person and is what defines your character. These things happen to even the most amazing, moral people, and you will need to forgive yourself and give her the time to forgive you :)
Telling her was the right thing to do. If it was me, I would recommend being tested for STDs before you get back with her- even if it was only 2 minutes, its better to be safe than sorry.
As for regaining her trust, I think getting yourself on track is a great start! And if she tells you you can call once in a while, stick to that and respect the boundaries she puts up. Once you have things under control, and she is ready (assuming that she does in fact want to get back together), I think you'll be able to tell by her actions when she is ready for you to start pursuing her more.
Good luck- and while cheating is definitely not a good thing, don't assume that it means you're a terrible person and is what defines your character. These things happen to even the most amazing, moral people, and you will need to forgive yourself and give her the time to forgive you :)
Well, firstly, praises to you for being honest with her and telling her, even after others told you it might be best not to ever tell her. Just think if you didn't tell her, and five yrs down the road she found out (perhaps after you could be married). At least you were honest with her up front, and you two can plan from here.
So at the moment, she's separated from you and wanting to keep you at a distance in the near future. I don't blame her. I agree with barn babe that the prostitute incident was probably a last straw, seeing as you mentioned that you have a drinking problem, and she wants you to get straightend out financially and with school as well.
This is where you attempt to regain her trust. Get help for your alcohol problem. Real help--don't just think you can make yourself stop if you know you're an alcoholic. This should be your FIRST priority, and for your own benefit.
Then, start taking college seriously. It's meant to make your future career opportunities better than burger-flipping or working at Wal-Mart. Don't throw thousands of dollars away on an education if you're not going to take it seriously. And if you really apply yourself, college is not that hard--it's kind of like glorified high school when it comes to the basic required core courses.
As far as finances, I don't know what your situation is there. But what I can tell you is that giving up your drinking habit will save you tons of money in itself. To sum up, get yourself in the mindset of, "Do I NEED this? If I don't need this, don't waste the money on it."
It sounds like you genuinely love your girlfriend. If it's that important to you to gain her trust back, help yourself first. She'll notice, trust me--but only if you really care enough to get your act together. A future healed relationship and a potential marriage will never last if you don't take seriously the fact that you need to get help for your alcoholism, mature in your dedication to finishing school with passing grades, and get your finances on track.
I hope it all works out for you.
So at the moment, she's separated from you and wanting to keep you at a distance in the near future. I don't blame her. I agree with barn babe that the prostitute incident was probably a last straw, seeing as you mentioned that you have a drinking problem, and she wants you to get straightend out financially and with school as well.
This is where you attempt to regain her trust. Get help for your alcohol problem. Real help--don't just think you can make yourself stop if you know you're an alcoholic. This should be your FIRST priority, and for your own benefit.
Then, start taking college seriously. It's meant to make your future career opportunities better than burger-flipping or working at Wal-Mart. Don't throw thousands of dollars away on an education if you're not going to take it seriously. And if you really apply yourself, college is not that hard--it's kind of like glorified high school when it comes to the basic required core courses.
As far as finances, I don't know what your situation is there. But what I can tell you is that giving up your drinking habit will save you tons of money in itself. To sum up, get yourself in the mindset of, "Do I NEED this? If I don't need this, don't waste the money on it."
It sounds like you genuinely love your girlfriend. If it's that important to you to gain her trust back, help yourself first. She'll notice, trust me--but only if you really care enough to get your act together. A future healed relationship and a potential marriage will never last if you don't take seriously the fact that you need to get help for your alcoholism, mature in your dedication to finishing school with passing grades, and get your finances on track.
I hope it all works out for you.
Your biggest problem is your alcoholism. Sounds like the "2-minute" incident was the last straw for her.
You are still young, plus this is the first girl you've had sex with. You'll have plenty more partners in the future, and so will she.
If I were you, I'd clean up my act with the drinking. Get a handle on it now, because once you get out into the working world, it's not going to be easier to "control." You will have even more stressors and pressures.
Forget about this woman for a while. You need to focus on your drinking problem. Everything else should be put on the back burner.
Hell, if you can stay on the wagon for an extended period, you may find you don't want HER back. Really.
You are still young, plus this is the first girl you've had sex with. You'll have plenty more partners in the future, and so will she.
If I were you, I'd clean up my act with the drinking. Get a handle on it now, because once you get out into the working world, it's not going to be easier to "control." You will have even more stressors and pressures.
Forget about this woman for a while. You need to focus on your drinking problem. Everything else should be put on the back burner.
Hell, if you can stay on the wagon for an extended period, you may find you don't want HER back. Really.
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