Aa
I'm a horrible person...
I have been with my fiance for over 2 ys...he has 3 children that are 17g/15g/13s, and I have 2 of my own 23g/21s. My daughter is out on her own while my son still lives with us.
The problem is this...F's 15yro daughter is pregnant! This has been very challenging to say the least. During the time that she got pregnant she was living with her mother--the 15yo wanted NOTHING to do with us and would tell us so repeatedly. She would say mean and horrible things to her father..during this time the mother would let her stay at her bf's house we didn't know this until we got a call from a family member who saw it on her facebook. By then she was already pregnant.
LOTS of arguments ensued because we felt she should maybe give the child up for adoption---well "little miss this is my body and I can do whatever I want!" decided she's keeping the baby and her, baby and bf are gonna live happily ever after! Fast forward 6 mths...the bf cheated on her.
Now, one of the MAIN reasons the 15yro liked to stay at her moms is because her mother would let the bf SLEEP OVER, while we forbade it...so now the bf isn't allowed over her mothers (she ants him back) either. Since the cheating came to light the 15yro has been staying at our house, (we have a bigger house with food..lol)..this is where the problem comes in.
When I met my fiance I knew he had 3 kids (he has custody--) and I went in knowing that I would be co-parenting his kids--however, I didn't sign up for this! I really don't have the patience anymore...I am looking forward to grandchildren--just not raising them! My fiance goes to work everyday and the mother to be is a typical 15yro. She can be selfish, she lies and I KNOW she doesn't have the skills to raise this baby! So guess who will be doing it?! me.
I am starting to get resentful about this. What do I do?
The problem is this...F's 15yro daughter is pregnant! This has been very challenging to say the least. During the time that she got pregnant she was living with her mother--the 15yo wanted NOTHING to do with us and would tell us so repeatedly. She would say mean and horrible things to her father..during this time the mother would let her stay at her bf's house we didn't know this until we got a call from a family member who saw it on her facebook. By then she was already pregnant.
LOTS of arguments ensued because we felt she should maybe give the child up for adoption---well "little miss this is my body and I can do whatever I want!" decided she's keeping the baby and her, baby and bf are gonna live happily ever after! Fast forward 6 mths...the bf cheated on her.
Now, one of the MAIN reasons the 15yro liked to stay at her moms is because her mother would let the bf SLEEP OVER, while we forbade it...so now the bf isn't allowed over her mothers (she ants him back) either. Since the cheating came to light the 15yro has been staying at our house, (we have a bigger house with food..lol)..this is where the problem comes in.
When I met my fiance I knew he had 3 kids (he has custody--) and I went in knowing that I would be co-parenting his kids--however, I didn't sign up for this! I really don't have the patience anymore...I am looking forward to grandchildren--just not raising them! My fiance goes to work everyday and the mother to be is a typical 15yro. She can be selfish, she lies and I KNOW she doesn't have the skills to raise this baby! So guess who will be doing it?! me.
I am starting to get resentful about this. What do I do?
It sounds as if MTB is a bit manipulative, and is used to playing the game. You and your husband can still be part of this thing, but by playing the hard line. Tuff love!!! Both of you (husband and yourself) need to tell MTB that you do care! I think thats important. But you also need to tell her that she can't come running to you when things arent going her way.... thats part of being grown up and part of being a parent. (That might be the 'come to Jesus" meeting she needs.... or maybe not).
With being depressed, let me offer you this. yes, by all means this is less than an ideal situation for MTB and everyone else involved. But the facts here are simple, and I recently became privy to this information and am glad to share the experiences of dealing with my own depression. Here is one of the keys Lady..... we can't change other people, we can not change the past, and we can not change the future. All we can change is ourselves, and we have to be willing to recognize our own faults, embrace them, analyze them, learn from them, then let them go.
MTB is going to make a lot more mistakes in life, and you know what? So are you and I. I'd suggest what MTB needs more than anything is your love and support. That doesn't mean that you are raising the child, because you are going to let MTB know that that isn't an option. What you will do is try to help her make good decisions, you will continue to love her and will love that innocent baby. (Some of these situations have turned out to be a blessing in disguise.... it is possible) This is a new situation, one in which you have some experience in....child rearing. She does not, you know that and that's where your experience and love can be helpful. This is not about judging.... take judging out of the equation.
She will have the opportunity to make her own decisions, and hopefully she makes good ones. When she makes a decision without the wnated outcome, hopefully she can acknowledge that, embrace it, learn from it and then move on. As much as you want to force her to do something, it cant and wont happen with your expected outcome. It will, one day, come back to haunt you. You can offer her the best advice out there, even with extreme prejudice.... but only she will learn from her experiences. When she experiences something positive, it will leave a positive notion in her mind. It will make her proud, it will boost her esteem, and will hopefully encourage listening to all of the good advice and making good decisions in the future.
Depression is a tough, tough thing. I know, I've been depressed for most of my life and have only recently began accepting help for it. Depression is treatable with a great deal of success.... it does take work. (Deepak Chopra? Heard of him? I encourage reading some of his writing. I found it as helpful as any of the therapy Ive paid for.... he's perhaps a bit out there, but he has a great perspective on life and the things around life)
For you though, try to stop judging. it's natural to judge. its also natural to want the best for this child and the new baby. We all judge, but often its premature and quite often we are proven wrong. In order to save face, try not to judge. Look at things with all outcomes possible. The thing to remember here is, some outcomes are far more desirable than others. If one makes a less than ideal decision but learns a great deal from that.... it becomes a positive.
Because you and I are older, we have life experiences that we can use for reference. That doesn't mean that we have all of the answers. We can rely on those life experiences as a guide, but even then, some of those experiences prove us wrong again. Lady.... it's life, and it's full of curve balls. Even the most experienced of us swing and miss from time to time.
Start to think of the potential positives instead of the negatives. Stat to give some encouragement when you see something going right, rather than discourage when things start to go wrong.
If you couldn't handle this, it wouldn't happen. And really, there are any number of scenarios that could be far worse than this. perhaps all of us can learn a bit from this, and perhaps we can all become better people from this experience.
Keep talking to us, and we'll try to help.... Thumbs up!!!!
With being depressed, let me offer you this. yes, by all means this is less than an ideal situation for MTB and everyone else involved. But the facts here are simple, and I recently became privy to this information and am glad to share the experiences of dealing with my own depression. Here is one of the keys Lady..... we can't change other people, we can not change the past, and we can not change the future. All we can change is ourselves, and we have to be willing to recognize our own faults, embrace them, analyze them, learn from them, then let them go.
MTB is going to make a lot more mistakes in life, and you know what? So are you and I. I'd suggest what MTB needs more than anything is your love and support. That doesn't mean that you are raising the child, because you are going to let MTB know that that isn't an option. What you will do is try to help her make good decisions, you will continue to love her and will love that innocent baby. (Some of these situations have turned out to be a blessing in disguise.... it is possible) This is a new situation, one in which you have some experience in....child rearing. She does not, you know that and that's where your experience and love can be helpful. This is not about judging.... take judging out of the equation.
She will have the opportunity to make her own decisions, and hopefully she makes good ones. When she makes a decision without the wnated outcome, hopefully she can acknowledge that, embrace it, learn from it and then move on. As much as you want to force her to do something, it cant and wont happen with your expected outcome. It will, one day, come back to haunt you. You can offer her the best advice out there, even with extreme prejudice.... but only she will learn from her experiences. When she experiences something positive, it will leave a positive notion in her mind. It will make her proud, it will boost her esteem, and will hopefully encourage listening to all of the good advice and making good decisions in the future.
Depression is a tough, tough thing. I know, I've been depressed for most of my life and have only recently began accepting help for it. Depression is treatable with a great deal of success.... it does take work. (Deepak Chopra? Heard of him? I encourage reading some of his writing. I found it as helpful as any of the therapy Ive paid for.... he's perhaps a bit out there, but he has a great perspective on life and the things around life)
For you though, try to stop judging. it's natural to judge. its also natural to want the best for this child and the new baby. We all judge, but often its premature and quite often we are proven wrong. In order to save face, try not to judge. Look at things with all outcomes possible. The thing to remember here is, some outcomes are far more desirable than others. If one makes a less than ideal decision but learns a great deal from that.... it becomes a positive.
Because you and I are older, we have life experiences that we can use for reference. That doesn't mean that we have all of the answers. We can rely on those life experiences as a guide, but even then, some of those experiences prove us wrong again. Lady.... it's life, and it's full of curve balls. Even the most experienced of us swing and miss from time to time.
Start to think of the potential positives instead of the negatives. Stat to give some encouragement when you see something going right, rather than discourage when things start to go wrong.
If you couldn't handle this, it wouldn't happen. And really, there are any number of scenarios that could be far worse than this. perhaps all of us can learn a bit from this, and perhaps we can all become better people from this experience.
Keep talking to us, and we'll try to help.... Thumbs up!!!!
Wow, what a tough situation! I would be incredibly frustrated too. While it may seem like a great idea for you to raise the baby, the second mommy or the other G-ma disagree with you they will swoop in and override you. This will cause more drama and heartache. Not to mention that poor child! From what I hear I don't think it would be too hard for you to get the baby taken away from her and get custody yourself (if you can get daddy to go along with it and your husband.) If you did I would consider forcing her to live at her mom's place. Why should she be able to come running to you the second things don't go her way? The only way for her to learn is to lay down the law. She wants to be treated like an adult, but the thing is, she's not quite there yet. So you guys can force her to do what she needs to do despite her protestations.
Well...hubby and I had a talk last night. For the last week or so I've been very depressed and withdrawn and while I can talk to him about anything and everything, I sound like a broken record! He understands my fears and trepiditions but he handles things much differently.
Last night I told him that we need to have a sit down with his ex wife (without MTB) and really discuss EVERYTHING that we will need to do and prepare for. Actually, when we first found out she was pregnant we also "had a sit down", the ex agreed with everything that is until she got home...lol. For instance, one of the things discussed was the fact that before bf knew MTB was pregnant they were broken up--he was told--they got back together. We even discussed the possibility that she got pregnant on purpose--to get him back--it worked--for 6 mths. Anyway, one of the rules was NO MORE sleepovers...the very next week he was there. The ex's explanation was she was pregnant and the mother didn't want her "upset".
Education was discussed..MTB needs to stay in school. Everyone agreed. MTB was able to get the doc she sees to dismiss her from school until after the baby is born!! The reason? People were bumping into her stomache. MTB is very intelligent and she knows what to say and do to get what she wants...except with her father and I. That's why she never wanted to stay with us.
But now, the ex wife is working and as of now MTB cannot see the bf even though "they're back together". This will change soon because the ex wife is willing to let them talk which will lead to them being together again. The ONLY reason MTB is here is because she's lonely and I would rather have her here with me because she's getting close to her due date.
So my dilema is this..let her go back to her mother's with the cheating bf--where she will be alone with the baby, not to mention the fact that her mother lets her do whatever she wants--I even question the mothers parenting skills..or have her here with us, without the bf, MTB fighting us all the way, and esentially me and her father raising the baby.
Also, I have very strong convictions when it comes to raising children and I know that there will be lots of dissention between us all...
PLEASE...keep talking to me because this is so hard for me in so many ways! I am severely depressed and getting worse as the baby's birth is quickly approaching. Thank you.
Last night I told him that we need to have a sit down with his ex wife (without MTB) and really discuss EVERYTHING that we will need to do and prepare for. Actually, when we first found out she was pregnant we also "had a sit down", the ex agreed with everything that is until she got home...lol. For instance, one of the things discussed was the fact that before bf knew MTB was pregnant they were broken up--he was told--they got back together. We even discussed the possibility that she got pregnant on purpose--to get him back--it worked--for 6 mths. Anyway, one of the rules was NO MORE sleepovers...the very next week he was there. The ex's explanation was she was pregnant and the mother didn't want her "upset".
Education was discussed..MTB needs to stay in school. Everyone agreed. MTB was able to get the doc she sees to dismiss her from school until after the baby is born!! The reason? People were bumping into her stomache. MTB is very intelligent and she knows what to say and do to get what she wants...except with her father and I. That's why she never wanted to stay with us.
But now, the ex wife is working and as of now MTB cannot see the bf even though "they're back together". This will change soon because the ex wife is willing to let them talk which will lead to them being together again. The ONLY reason MTB is here is because she's lonely and I would rather have her here with me because she's getting close to her due date.
So my dilema is this..let her go back to her mother's with the cheating bf--where she will be alone with the baby, not to mention the fact that her mother lets her do whatever she wants--I even question the mothers parenting skills..or have her here with us, without the bf, MTB fighting us all the way, and esentially me and her father raising the baby.
Also, I have very strong convictions when it comes to raising children and I know that there will be lots of dissention between us all...
PLEASE...keep talking to me because this is so hard for me in so many ways! I am severely depressed and getting worse as the baby's birth is quickly approaching. Thank you.
You're welcome for the laugh, but I left out something I wanted to say earlier. You are not a horrible person! If you were, you wouldn't give a damn about the situation and just let the cards land where they will. You are a concerned parent, and that is something that is becoming more rare these days.
What your 15 year old step daughter and the bf don't realizes is all of the sacrifice involved with being a parent. I became a parent the first time when I was 27, and I have to tell you, I had my hands full then! A kid won't realize this because mom and dad have always been there, or perhaps not in the case of the bf.
Kids assume that diapers, clothes, food will fall out of the sky. Obviously grandparents are willing to help a little bit..... but if I had tried to have my mother raise either one of my kids, I would have lost a mother in the process.
It really is a slippery slope that you're on. I think you and your husband need to be on a unified front. As much as you're step daughter thinks that having a kid might be fun, you know about all of the work, worry and heart ache involved.
I understand your concern in regards to that baby. I also understand your feelings towards not raising the child yourself. Here is a suggestion. Start gathering all of the information you can pertaining to teen child birth and raising a child. Gather everything available.... and when you folks have your sit down, you can plop all of the information in her lap and tell her, "well, you (maybe we) had better start going over all of this information".
Not only just medical information, but ads for how much cribs cost, diapers cost, formula cost, clothing costs, and then start with the medical stuff and all of the sleepless nights taking care of a sick baby.
I wish you a lot of luck with this, but I think a unified front is the way to go.
What your 15 year old step daughter and the bf don't realizes is all of the sacrifice involved with being a parent. I became a parent the first time when I was 27, and I have to tell you, I had my hands full then! A kid won't realize this because mom and dad have always been there, or perhaps not in the case of the bf.
Kids assume that diapers, clothes, food will fall out of the sky. Obviously grandparents are willing to help a little bit..... but if I had tried to have my mother raise either one of my kids, I would have lost a mother in the process.
It really is a slippery slope that you're on. I think you and your husband need to be on a unified front. As much as you're step daughter thinks that having a kid might be fun, you know about all of the work, worry and heart ache involved.
I understand your concern in regards to that baby. I also understand your feelings towards not raising the child yourself. Here is a suggestion. Start gathering all of the information you can pertaining to teen child birth and raising a child. Gather everything available.... and when you folks have your sit down, you can plop all of the information in her lap and tell her, "well, you (maybe we) had better start going over all of this information".
Not only just medical information, but ads for how much cribs cost, diapers cost, formula cost, clothing costs, and then start with the medical stuff and all of the sleepless nights taking care of a sick baby.
I wish you a lot of luck with this, but I think a unified front is the way to go.
To Brice...thanks for making me laugh--I really needed that! Unfortunately, these kids that are so smart have the potential of really screwing up their lives...so sad.
To Specialmom---EVERYTHING you say is what needs to be done. The baby is due beg. of Feb. so we need to get this straightened out and quick! Mother to be (MOB) went back to her mother's house 2 nights ago so last night her father gets a call asking if he would be willing to talk to the bf (he's extremely angry because he cheated) because they want to get back together!
There's soo much more going on, however, I am so depressed.
To Specialmom---EVERYTHING you say is what needs to be done. The baby is due beg. of Feb. so we need to get this straightened out and quick! Mother to be (MOB) went back to her mother's house 2 nights ago so last night her father gets a call asking if he would be willing to talk to the bf (he's extremely angry because he cheated) because they want to get back together!
There's soo much more going on, however, I am so depressed.
Interesting scenario.... too bad we can't get you daughter and my son together. My son is the smartest guy in the world and has all of the answers to everything. He can make it snow pixie dust and have unicorns fart love and compassion upon all of us.....
The problem with that is, he believes some of the above. He is a bright kid and has been told that from all of his teachers since kindergarten. Now he has all of the answers....
I am not making light of your story. I feel for you and understand the pickle that you are in. Someone above mentioned having a sit down with your husband, your step daughter and then both of them. That is the direction I would go.
I remember being a teen and thinking I knew it all..... my mom and dad told me how ignorant I really was and I am glad that I had them to make some of those decisions in life for me.....
This girl is dillusional. She thinks that it would be the greatest thing to have a baby, and I guarantee that it would be you and your husband doing the child raising, while still raising the mother. UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION!!!
I wish you well, and I am sorry I can't put anything of value into this conversation.
The problem with that is, he believes some of the above. He is a bright kid and has been told that from all of his teachers since kindergarten. Now he has all of the answers....
I am not making light of your story. I feel for you and understand the pickle that you are in. Someone above mentioned having a sit down with your husband, your step daughter and then both of them. That is the direction I would go.
I remember being a teen and thinking I knew it all..... my mom and dad told me how ignorant I really was and I am glad that I had them to make some of those decisions in life for me.....
This girl is dillusional. She thinks that it would be the greatest thing to have a baby, and I guarantee that it would be you and your husband doing the child raising, while still raising the mother. UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION!!!
I wish you well, and I am sorry I can't put anything of value into this conversation.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm. I'm wondering if it isn't an ideal time to bring adoption back up. I think that I'd get on the same page as your husband------- sit down with him and talk openly. Tell him that this overwhelms you and that you feel it is asking too much for you to be in this position. I don't think your money needs to go for baby (although, I'm guessing you'll fall in love with the baby once it has arrived and will feel less frustrated with the expenditure to care for him/her--------- although the time and inconvenience will get annoying)------------- I have a plan for that.
But first, I think that you can discuss with him all of the practicalities of this child. Who will watch the baby while she is at school, who will get up at night, who will pay for all of the items you've mentioned, is she willing to give up 98% of her social life to raise the child (as most mom's do as adults for the first several years), is she willing to not have any more sleep overs, etc. with the boyfriend and adhere to your house rules??? That is the reality. Much to think about. Then present all of the same to her. Have information on adoption ready to go to give her and just ask her to think about it. Some are not for adoption but I am such a fan of it. A loving family that has prayed for nothing but a baby to love would be so grateful for a child and so often, that is a better situation for a baby. It really can be a beautiful thing. There can even be an "open" adoption if either she or the dad want to stay involved a bit in the child's life. Get your info together . . . in fact, I'd get it together even before you talk to her dad.
Now, in terms of your having to pay for it as the bread winner. I don't see it that way. Your husband can get a second, third, fourth, job etc. to pay for whatever is necessary to provide. I'd let him know that this is your expectation. His sacrafice needs to be mentioned and amplified.
And one other thing, regarding the boyfriend's family. I get that------- but instead of thinking that you can't bond with the baby due to that family think of it as saving that poor child from them.
I will tell you that blending a family is difficult. I think it is fair when something is too much to handle and communicating openly about it is important. It doesn't make you a bad person but human.
I wish you luck and hope for the best for all involved.
But first, I think that you can discuss with him all of the practicalities of this child. Who will watch the baby while she is at school, who will get up at night, who will pay for all of the items you've mentioned, is she willing to give up 98% of her social life to raise the child (as most mom's do as adults for the first several years), is she willing to not have any more sleep overs, etc. with the boyfriend and adhere to your house rules??? That is the reality. Much to think about. Then present all of the same to her. Have information on adoption ready to go to give her and just ask her to think about it. Some are not for adoption but I am such a fan of it. A loving family that has prayed for nothing but a baby to love would be so grateful for a child and so often, that is a better situation for a baby. It really can be a beautiful thing. There can even be an "open" adoption if either she or the dad want to stay involved a bit in the child's life. Get your info together . . . in fact, I'd get it together even before you talk to her dad.
Now, in terms of your having to pay for it as the bread winner. I don't see it that way. Your husband can get a second, third, fourth, job etc. to pay for whatever is necessary to provide. I'd let him know that this is your expectation. His sacrafice needs to be mentioned and amplified.
And one other thing, regarding the boyfriend's family. I get that------- but instead of thinking that you can't bond with the baby due to that family think of it as saving that poor child from them.
I will tell you that blending a family is difficult. I think it is fair when something is too much to handle and communicating openly about it is important. It doesn't make you a bad person but human.
I wish you luck and hope for the best for all involved.
Thanks imanaddict...I really hope it works out also. It's just so frustrating--my fiance works but I am the main bread winner (do to a divorce settlement) so I know I'm going to be paying for most of the things--plus taking care of the baby. The bf is only 17 and he and his family aren't the most respectable people (trying to be polite..lol) so I know we won't be receiving much help from them and to be honest I wish he wasn't in the picture because the family is always in trouble with the law, they don't work, ect...
We are going to have that sit down soon but I know I will be yes'd to death...
Another thing that I'm worried about (this is REALLY horrible) is my ability to connect with the baby in the way I need too! God--Please forgive me for saying that! I DISLIKE the bf's family so much because they're such trash and knowing this poor baby is part of that makes me afraid that I won't be able to bond..idk.
I am so afraid of what's going to happen between my fiance and I if I cannot bond with this sweet baby...
We are going to have that sit down soon but I know I will be yes'd to death...
Another thing that I'm worried about (this is REALLY horrible) is my ability to connect with the baby in the way I need too! God--Please forgive me for saying that! I DISLIKE the bf's family so much because they're such trash and knowing this poor baby is part of that makes me afraid that I won't be able to bond..idk.
I am so afraid of what's going to happen between my fiance and I if I cannot bond with this sweet baby...
You are NOT a horrible person. This is a VERY difficult situation to be thrust into! I understand your frustration and completely sympathize! About the only advice I have is to have a sit down heart to heart with your husband, then your soon to be stepdaughter and then both of them together. Little miss attitude needs to realize that just because she is pregnant doesn't automatically make her an adult. There are things to consider, such as diapers, formula, daycare, her education, etc. Where will she get the money for these things? You do NOT have to raise this baby, SHE does. Bring up her options, although she probably won't listen, but reinforce that she does have them. Your feelings are important too and everyone needs to be on the same page.
I know this is going to be hard on everyone involved. Teen pregnancy is never an ideal situation, but it CAN be worked through if the family bond is tight enough. I hope it all works out, I really do!
I know this is going to be hard on everyone involved. Teen pregnancy is never an ideal situation, but it CAN be worked through if the family bond is tight enough. I hope it all works out, I really do!
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