Relationships Community
Im married but do not love my husband and in love with another man
About This Community:

This patient support community is for discussions relating to relationships, abstinence, arousal problems, birth control, cohabitation, commitment, communication, couples counseling, desire, sexual technique, and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs).

Font Size:
A
A
A
Background:
Blank
Blank
Blank
Blank Blank

Im married but do not love my husband and in love with another man

Hello. I know before I explain my story that what I am doing is wrong, but I feel I cant control it. First of all I have been with my husband for 4 years married for a year and a half.I have a child from a previous relationship and he has none and we share none together. Before we got married we talked about children cause I want more children and he did too. After we got married he came out and told me he really didnt want any kids and he was just telling me that cause he knew I did. He says he is not comfortable with being a father?? Well I have a child so this response terribly bothers me. Other than that, its like I have a room mate and not a life partner. We dont talk, dont have sex, he doesnt interact with my daughter unless I ask him to. He never works on the things that I see are the problem. I actually had serious doubts before i married him but I chaulked it up to my own insecurities from my previous relationship. It never got better, just worse. It is really horrible being married to someone who you do not feel comfortable with talking about your problems and thats what is going on amoungst other things with us. And when I do try and talk to him he just clams up and shrugs his shoulders and says he doesnt know what to do and here we go again. We have been separated for 3 months now and none of the feelings that I should have for my husband are coming back. In this time, I reconnected with a man who I have known since I was 11, I am 33 now. He, to put it in short terms, is perfect and I can talk to him and be myself and just feel so comfortable and perfect with him. He has also admitted to having a crush on me since the 8th grade. I am totally in love with him and want nothing more than to share my life with him, and I can honestly say that I have never had these strong of feelings for my husband. Me and my "reconnection" have had sexual relations and I do feel terrible, but at the same time it feels right! My husband doesnt know that I have found someone else and I cant bring myself to tell him. I do not want to be married to him any more, but at the same time I know it would kill him if he found out about this other guy. I have told my husband every other feeling I have or dont have for him in that matter. He still thinks it can work. I dont want to work on things, but I dont want to hurt him. I would think that after the months of separation that the feelings and longings for my husband would come back and they havent. I honestly dred even talking to him on the phone. Sounds heartless but I just want him to leave me alone and this marriage to be over. We share nothing together, no kids, no property, no connection, no communication, no friendship, NOTHING!!! I felt like I was dying inside with him. And I am a very passionate person and have alot of love to give, and I have tried to show this to my husband but it has always felt awkward and not right. Please!!!! I am looking for any good advice.
7 Comments Post a Comment
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there and welcome to the forum.  I'm going to give you my BEST advice.  I do agree that it sounds like it is time to end our relationship/marriage.  Sounds like you two have different ideas of what life should be like.  I do think it is confusing to a child to have mom marry and divorce and that is something to consider if you've made a family/home life for him that is stable. You'd be causing more instability in his/her life.  But overall, it sounds like this relationship isn't going to work.

So, ending it seems appropriate.

Here is where you are not going to like what I have to say.  It is NOT a good thing to go right to another man.  When women can't be alone ---  they almost always make bad choices in men.  If you don't do the work that it takes to end a relationship, be intraspective as to what went wrong on YOUR end and your partners, etc.---   you are in a weaker position to find someone that would be a good match for you.  You've essentially done none of the work required to get over a relationship/marriage.  This does not bode well for your future.

secondly, just about all relationships that start out of infidelity don't last.  This is a statistic that is very clear.  There are reasons why including---  it starts with a cloud over it.  Also, both you and he have knowledge about the other that is going to cast doubt in the future.  That you have shown this second guy that you can and will cheat on your partner when things aren't going well will always be in the back of his mind.  he'll never fully trust you no matter what he says now because he knows the truth.  You are capable of this.  Last, because you started this relationship while married, you'll miss out on 'dating' the normal way and the foundation that keeps a relationship going long term just won't be there.  

so, break it off with your husband AND guy number two.  And spend some time as an independent woman that doesn't have to be with a man.  Get yourself together and THEN start dating.  That is my very best advice.  good luck
Blank
134578_tn?1383690151
Tell your husband you want to call an end to the marriage, just that it is not working for you and you don't want to try any more.  Tell your boyfriend that you want a full year off from him also.  Then take the year and get your head on straight.  You might want to get back with Mister Boyfriend after that, but you actually might not.  You say he's perfect, but you're presently in an emotional hole and every time you look up at the sun, you see him and are thinking he is the sun.  He's probably not, in fact.  In any case, don't use him to prop you up in your present misery.  He sounds too nice for that.
Blank
Avatar_f_tn
Thank yall! I would have never imagined myself in this situation. I have NEVER been a cheater! I dont know what has come over me! I know I shouldnt jumpfrom the frying pan into the skillet, but I do so long to have ONE man forever who I can share everything with. I feel like my "boyfriend" knows me so well, which we have been friends for many years and he accepts me for who I am and I can be myself with him. He gives me a sense of happiness that I have never felt with another man. I have always been a working, strong, independant woman, and never felt like I couldnt live without a man...but I feel like I cant go without my boyfriend. He completes me in a way I never thought possible. Thank you for the advice. I will continue to pray and work on this. I have really never felt like more of a horrible person, but at the same time I feel that my husband cheated me out of the life we had talked about and promised each other. I know no mariage is perfect but you have to at least be on the same team and work together on everything! This is someting we have NEVER had...
Blank
134578_tn?1383690151
I will take you at face value that your relationship with your husband was not a good match to you at all, but really suspect the relationship with the boyfriend is not as perfect as you think, it is just looking that way because of the contrast to the awful relationship that has you so unhappy.  Please consider a hiatus from the boyfriend when you leave your husband.  If you cannot hear us advising that you are giving an unrealistic glow to the boyfriend, at least take the hiatus to keep him out of the limelight and protect him from the stress and mess of the divorce.  Does he want his name to be in the courts?
Blank
480448_tn?1397235344
I feel that my husband cheated me out of the life we had talked about and promised each other. I know no mariage is perfect but you have to at least be on the same team and work together on everything! This is someting we have NEVER had... .

This is the biggest red flag I see...that you take no accountability for your failed marriage.  Let's be honest here...he may not have "tried" like you wanted him too, but I think in some respects, you didn't give him a chance.

Once you seperated and moved onto another man, YOU stopped working on your marriage.  Good, bad, or otherwise, it's the truth.  In order to be in a successful relationhip/marriage...there must be communication.  You stopped communicating, because to be honest...it got in the way of what you were doing with your BF.

The ladies above gave you fantastic advice.  I hope you sincerely consider it.  Best of luck to you moving forward!
Blank
1268057_tn?1379102055
"Me and my "reconnection" have had sexual relations and I do feel terrible, but at the same time it feels right!"........Hon, what kind of gentleman has sex with a married woman?  If he REALLY wanted something meaningful with you he would have just left things as FRIENDS and then let the relationship evolve.  I don't see anything wrong with having him as a FRIEND, but you sleeping with him.....NO good.  

Take a BREAK from all this and focus on yourself.  You need some time to sort all this out ON YOUR OWN.  

Sounds like this "reconnection" is NOTHING more than an escape.

Definitely file for divorce.  
Blank
973741_tn?1342346373
I am going to again suggest that you seek the help of a therapist.  There are many red flags both with the begining of this new relationship and the disconnect from your old one.  Love is just an emotion like any other.  I'm glad you are feeling it but it is impossible to tell what a real relationship wtih guy number two would be like as you've never fully been together yet.  You've had yet to see how he leaves his socks on the floor (or whatever his day to day fault is, we ALL have them), he has yet to let you know he's bored by the discussion of athletic shoes you saw out shopping today (as an example---  we all drone on about something that bores our partner to tears at some point), you haven't spent enough time together to see what quirks one another have that will endear you and others that will drive you nuts, etc.  

My point being, the illicit part of this affair makes it seem perfect.  It will wind up being a relationship like all others that includes likes and dislikes and a lot of work.  I don't know a successful relationship out there where the couple doesn't talk about the work it takes to keep it that way.  

And again, what you are glossing over is that this guy knows that you can and will cheat if it 'feels right'.  This will come back to haunt you.

If you want a relationship with him, break it off for now completely, end things officially with your husband, when you are fully divorced and some time has passed (year or something like that)---  then you can rekindle things with guy number two.  Otherwise, you most likely will have a second failed relationship to deal with because statitics say----  relationships starting through infidelity don't last.  

And I agree----  you were part of that failed marriage and you'll need to own it and think about how you cheated him out of the life he wanted as well (I'm sure he wanted a loving wife who he could count on to be only his).  Therapy will help with that.  goodl uck
Blank
Post a Comment
To
Blank
Weight Tracker
Weight Tracker
Start Tracking Now
Relationships Community Resources
RSS Expert Activity
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
How to Silence Your Inner Critic an...
13 hrs ago by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
242532_tn?1269553979
Blank
Emotional Eaters: How to Silence Yo...
Mar 26 by Roger Gould, M.D.Blank
1344197_tn?1392822771
Blank
Vaginal vs. Laparoscopic Hysterecto...
Feb 19 by J. Kyle Mathews, MD, DVMBlank
Top Relationships Answerers
973741_tn?1342346373
Blank
specialmom
13167_tn?1327197724
Blank
RockRose
Austin, TX
1268057_tn?1379102055
Blank
Londres70
France
Avatar_f_tn
Blank
TTinKKerBBell
CA
3149845_tn?1386354841
Blank
Life360
fort lauderdale, FL
480448_tn?1397235344
Blank
nursegirl6572
PA