Aa
I'm married but in love with my husbands best friend
Me and my husband are married for 2 years, but in relationship for 5 years. The other man who I love is my husbands best friend from school but hes my best friend too. We are doing everything together, havin fun, walking, talking. Everything started in 2010, when me and my husband were in relationship for a year. He was working, me and the other one no, we were together al the time. We drank some beer and after that we've kissed. It was some shocking moment for both of us. That night we've talked and he told me that I should forget about this and he wiil too, because it's not right. That time I was thinking that someday I will be with him, but right now I'm married with my husband and every single night thinking about the other one and I am deeply in love with him. I've married in 2012 and the other one was telling dont do it, dont get marry but I did and the problem was that he didnt tell me anything about his feelings, I wasnt sure what he wanted from me, he didnt tell me that he loved me and thats why I have married, my husband was perfect man, some ideal of every women and I really love him but this is some other feeling. Lately this year the other one told me once that we will regret that didnt make something, and I said that maybe we already regret. That night we were with friends, in one friends home. My husband felt asleep, and me with the other one and 2 our friends, went to the yard. We were holding hands and caressing. It was amazing but suddenly my husband woke up and came to us and he stoped of course and sat in distance from me. and in 2013 the kiss with the other man was repeated, we were also little bit drunk. Lately this year we've kissed again and that night I told him that I loved him, he said nothong and when I asked him: and you?, he said "ofcourse I do" but it was some friendly answer. So, the thing is that I love him, he is my best friend, I feel very comfortable with him, when he touches me I feel butterflies in my stomach and getting mad of his aroma, i love the way he speaks, I adore his voice, I adore every piece of him! But the thing is, I cant leave my husband, I mean its so hard to make a decision, because I dont know this other one will be with me or not, plus he is in a relationship too.:/ but everytime when he's looking at me and in my eyes, I feel that he loves me! He had some stupid manner, he was sending me songs and with it's lyrics telling me that he loved me. I know it sounds crazy but thats true. So what can I do? Please help me. I was thinking that I still love my husband and I really do, he is amazing person, so sweet, he loves me so much and doing everything for me, but I think all the time about the other one. What can I do? I cant stop contacting with him, because we three we are friends and having fun and chilling together all the time :/
Do your husband a favor and tell him. Then ask for a divorce. Your husband clearly deserves a better life than they one you have to offer him
Sounds like you are in a better place and I agree with SM.
I would encourage you to start your own thread so that you can receive more responses if you like.
Keep us posted dear. Sounds like you really love your husband and you were just momentarily lost and now you are ready to tackle these problems.
I would encourage you to start your own thread so that you can receive more responses if you like.
Keep us posted dear. Sounds like you really love your husband and you were just momentarily lost and now you are ready to tackle these problems.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, you seem to have a plan and that is great. I hope it all works out for you.
Depression has many things that can be tied to it. Listlessness and losing interest in things you once enjoyed can be signs. That he doesn't want to do anything and it all seems like work as well. He Has had a catastrophic event that would make activity hard in general but it is not uncommon to then have the cloud of depression as well. When he thinks of what he once could do and how he is now limited, that's hard.
If he has a doctor, you or he can mention this to him/her/. Then they have often things like a questionnaire that they can go through with him to see if he meets the criteria for clinical depression. Then they'd want to treat it, most likely with antidepressants which are much easier to take these days.
So consider talking to your husband about this.
And hon, you have a LOT on your plate. take care of you too. Please stay in touch with us, okay? peace and hugs
Depression has many things that can be tied to it. Listlessness and losing interest in things you once enjoyed can be signs. That he doesn't want to do anything and it all seems like work as well. He Has had a catastrophic event that would make activity hard in general but it is not uncommon to then have the cloud of depression as well. When he thinks of what he once could do and how he is now limited, that's hard.
If he has a doctor, you or he can mention this to him/her/. Then they have often things like a questionnaire that they can go through with him to see if he meets the criteria for clinical depression. Then they'd want to treat it, most likely with antidepressants which are much easier to take these days.
So consider talking to your husband about this.
And hon, you have a LOT on your plate. take care of you too. Please stay in touch with us, okay? peace and hugs
I am also planning a nice get away for his birthday in August so directing my thoughts to a good cause and trying not to think about my betrayal.
And told my friend that in future we shouldn't go out without my husband.
Think its working
Thanks for your help ladies
And told my friend that in future we shouldn't go out without my husband.
Think its working
Thanks for your help ladies
Hello you seem lovely thank you for your advice its helping already.:)
He had a head on with a car whilst driving a scooter he shattered his pelvis broke his femur bone and knee. It was a disastrous situation to be in. Worst part is he resigned the day before the accident but told everyone including me that he had been retrenched! (NO UIF NO NOTHING) Only whilst he was in hospital did I phone his work for paperwork, When they told me he resigned I felt so embarrassed and betrayed shouldn't his wife know the truth from him??I was arranging a lawyer and everything to look into it and he said nothing. I didn't mention it till he was out of ICU for heath reasons. Felt alone in the world but didn't even have time to grieve or let it out because I had to keep my family together and stay strong for my family.
My son was in daycare while I was at work. He is a job on his own........
He was in hospital for 2 months and in that time I was working, being a mom and at hospital all the time. I still don't think I am over that shock yet maybe I push my husband away in fear that I could loose him?
When I met my husband he lied a lot thought/hoped he was cured of that because deep down he is a lovely man not very romantic now that finances are an issue he blames everything on finance. I haven't received a gift/stray flower since we got married but I make the effort with scrapbooking etc its the thought that counts. I wish we could go back to those dating days :(
We doing a bit better now we had a serious talk and I told him everything other then the affair but I told him I am attracted to other men and will leave if he doesn't get off his a**. Think it finally sunk in because now when we get home the dishwasher is packed and he makes dinner while I sort our son out. I am already feeling less stressed just hope he keeps this up. And when is leg hurts I take over with a smile before he barely lifted his head to speak to me. His family has also offered to help with the finances until he is on his feet because my salary barely covers rent. He is also getting agile in the bedroom now so we working on alone time. *Catch my drift ;)
This other guy yes reality has hit me and the hard truth is he never wanted anything other then sex.(I feel cheap) He begged me not to leave my husband as I was confused and rash. He probably does like me but I thought long and hard we both had rough times and don't need more drama and yes it was a mistake that I just took out of proportion and if he didn't know me better would probably think I am phycho. I blame it on shock. I was not in a good place. Guilt was eating at me.
Its not that awkward between us anymore we just agreed its better left unsaid and we both love my husband and frankly as much as I have been hurt he has had it 10 times worse and I don't want to hurt him.
And no I have plenty black friends those were not the friendly kind, they were passing drugs around and wanted out of that place. Black was not the best way to put it DODGY PEOPLE yes. Apologies.
Working on fixing things with both husband and friend :)
Pray the truth NEVER bares its ugly head. Its going with us to our graves RIP
He had a head on with a car whilst driving a scooter he shattered his pelvis broke his femur bone and knee. It was a disastrous situation to be in. Worst part is he resigned the day before the accident but told everyone including me that he had been retrenched! (NO UIF NO NOTHING) Only whilst he was in hospital did I phone his work for paperwork, When they told me he resigned I felt so embarrassed and betrayed shouldn't his wife know the truth from him??I was arranging a lawyer and everything to look into it and he said nothing. I didn't mention it till he was out of ICU for heath reasons. Felt alone in the world but didn't even have time to grieve or let it out because I had to keep my family together and stay strong for my family.
My son was in daycare while I was at work. He is a job on his own........
He was in hospital for 2 months and in that time I was working, being a mom and at hospital all the time. I still don't think I am over that shock yet maybe I push my husband away in fear that I could loose him?
When I met my husband he lied a lot thought/hoped he was cured of that because deep down he is a lovely man not very romantic now that finances are an issue he blames everything on finance. I haven't received a gift/stray flower since we got married but I make the effort with scrapbooking etc its the thought that counts. I wish we could go back to those dating days :(
We doing a bit better now we had a serious talk and I told him everything other then the affair but I told him I am attracted to other men and will leave if he doesn't get off his a**. Think it finally sunk in because now when we get home the dishwasher is packed and he makes dinner while I sort our son out. I am already feeling less stressed just hope he keeps this up. And when is leg hurts I take over with a smile before he barely lifted his head to speak to me. His family has also offered to help with the finances until he is on his feet because my salary barely covers rent. He is also getting agile in the bedroom now so we working on alone time. *Catch my drift ;)
This other guy yes reality has hit me and the hard truth is he never wanted anything other then sex.(I feel cheap) He begged me not to leave my husband as I was confused and rash. He probably does like me but I thought long and hard we both had rough times and don't need more drama and yes it was a mistake that I just took out of proportion and if he didn't know me better would probably think I am phycho. I blame it on shock. I was not in a good place. Guilt was eating at me.
Its not that awkward between us anymore we just agreed its better left unsaid and we both love my husband and frankly as much as I have been hurt he has had it 10 times worse and I don't want to hurt him.
And no I have plenty black friends those were not the friendly kind, they were passing drugs around and wanted out of that place. Black was not the best way to put it DODGY PEOPLE yes. Apologies.
Working on fixing things with both husband and friend :)
Pray the truth NEVER bares its ugly head. Its going with us to our graves RIP
COMMUNITY LEADER
I do agree with Londres--- this sounds like symptoms of depression. Worth looking into to see if you can get some help for your husband. good luck
Typos.........ugggg
I meant:
you should probably start your own thread so that you can get more responses
vs.
you should probably start your own thread so can get more responses
that's not to say that this situation isn't and hasn't taken a toll on you too, but that's what marriage is about
vs.
that's not to say that this situation isn't and hasn't taken a toll on you two, but that's what marriage is about.
I meant:
you should probably start your own thread so that you can get more responses
vs.
you should probably start your own thread so can get more responses
that's not to say that this situation isn't and hasn't taken a toll on you too, but that's what marriage is about
vs.
that's not to say that this situation isn't and hasn't taken a toll on you two, but that's what marriage is about.
You should probably start your own thread so can get more responses.
"One night I decided to go out with a friend and my husband become very lazy and grouchy and we stopped to fetch "guy" little did I know there were only black people at the party and 'guy' and I decided to keep a safe distance and try keep to ourselves. I was glad he was there it was really dodgy.".............You should probably keep in mind people of ALL colors read these posts. I really don't see the relevance of stating the color of these particular people at that party. If you don't want to be judged, then why would it be OK to judge people as being "dodgy" based on their color? That sounds racist. "Dodgy" doesn't belong to a race of people or a color.
"Shocked and confused I feel bad enough no hate mail please (For them haters: We do not post our personal drama for you to judge, we post because we are looking for much needed advise!! Want to call me a bad person?! Please you are no saint!!)".................This an open forum, so people may post what they choose so long as it is in the guidelines of MH. Take what you find useful and leave what you find not helpful. Plus, we don't know you personally to "judge" you. We are merely responding to the bits of your life you have posted here. That's all.
With that being said:
Have you ever thought the laziness, grouchiness, zoning out with video games, showering once a week, etc. could be depression? He just had a serious accident and now he has to learn to walk again. You kind of have to look at things from his view. That's not to say that this situation isn't and hasn't taken a toll on you two, but that's what marriage is about..............taking the good with the bad TOGETHER and not ready to bale out at the first sign of trouble.
Are you able to get help from the government and/or from friends/family? You need to have a talk with your husband about how you are feeling and you both need to figure out TOGETHER how you want to handle this keeping in mind a child is involved here as well.
"Now its extremely awkward told him I want to leave my husband and think I scared him off............"...............I am sure this "guy" feels guilty about what happened between you two and probably didn't intend on making a marriage already hanging on a thread any worse. This other "guy"..........he is nothing more than a pleasant escape from your real life LOADED with serious problems and issues. He is NOT the answer and he doesn't sound interested in getting deeply involved with you. I think the alcohol got the better of him too.
PUT down the 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' book and START dialoguing honest and open with your husband and SORT this mess out.
"One night I decided to go out with a friend and my husband become very lazy and grouchy and we stopped to fetch "guy" little did I know there were only black people at the party and 'guy' and I decided to keep a safe distance and try keep to ourselves. I was glad he was there it was really dodgy.".............You should probably keep in mind people of ALL colors read these posts. I really don't see the relevance of stating the color of these particular people at that party. If you don't want to be judged, then why would it be OK to judge people as being "dodgy" based on their color? That sounds racist. "Dodgy" doesn't belong to a race of people or a color.
"Shocked and confused I feel bad enough no hate mail please (For them haters: We do not post our personal drama for you to judge, we post because we are looking for much needed advise!! Want to call me a bad person?! Please you are no saint!!)".................This an open forum, so people may post what they choose so long as it is in the guidelines of MH. Take what you find useful and leave what you find not helpful. Plus, we don't know you personally to "judge" you. We are merely responding to the bits of your life you have posted here. That's all.
With that being said:
Have you ever thought the laziness, grouchiness, zoning out with video games, showering once a week, etc. could be depression? He just had a serious accident and now he has to learn to walk again. You kind of have to look at things from his view. That's not to say that this situation isn't and hasn't taken a toll on you two, but that's what marriage is about..............taking the good with the bad TOGETHER and not ready to bale out at the first sign of trouble.
Are you able to get help from the government and/or from friends/family? You need to have a talk with your husband about how you are feeling and you both need to figure out TOGETHER how you want to handle this keeping in mind a child is involved here as well.
"Now its extremely awkward told him I want to leave my husband and think I scared him off............"...............I am sure this "guy" feels guilty about what happened between you two and probably didn't intend on making a marriage already hanging on a thread any worse. This other "guy"..........he is nothing more than a pleasant escape from your real life LOADED with serious problems and issues. He is NOT the answer and he doesn't sound interested in getting deeply involved with you. I think the alcohol got the better of him too.
PUT down the 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' book and START dialoguing honest and open with your husband and SORT this mess out.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. First, let me comment on the big changes in your life that must be overwhelming. Your husband had a catastrophic accident? That is very difficult to manage through. And then if he is lacking ambition to both get better or to become productive again, that sure must feel like a ton on your shoulders! You have to be extremely stressed. Was your husband different when you dated and early in marriage before the disaster that has made him have to relearn to walk? What is the nature of his injury? Brain injury or injury to spine or legs?
I'm asking these questions just to get a feel for how things could change for he better or stay the same with him.
I think that is your first line of thinking--- where are things headed with your husband. You need to think about if you can sustain this relationship as it is now, if there is hope of it improving, etc. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse but sometimes it just isn't going to work out. The sad reality. Your husband does have to try, right? You can talk to him about trying to be more active, use his brain more than just video games, if he can do something online for work or take classes to position himself to be able to help out financially in the future. Does he watch your one year old? Is he able with his disability? Does he get disability by the way? (something to look into if it would help, and I'm sure it could). ''
So, onto the encounter. It sounds like you have romanticized this a great deal. :) That happens. You are unhappy with current things in your marriage and always had an attraction to this man. Then the opportunity was there. Yes, a lapse in judgment and self control. True. To me, and of course I don't really know and am just going on what you've written, you expressed how you'd romanticized a sexual encounter to wanting to leave your husband and the other man reacted by shock and pulling away. He may just have been trying to be sexual with you and was intoxicated at the time. Or maybe he does have some true feelings and just feels bad for the situation and doesn't know what to do. Time will tell.
But in all honesty, the best thing to do is to get your married life in order and either work on the issues or leave your husband before developing anything more with this man or any other. You'll feel better if you do that and any relationship you start will have a better chance of working out if you do. :>)
I'm not sure what you mean about going to a party where there are all black people and feeling like you have to keep to yourself. I just want to say that people are people and we need to open our minds a bit and expand our universe to get along with everyone. :>)
good luck dear
I'm asking these questions just to get a feel for how things could change for he better or stay the same with him.
I think that is your first line of thinking--- where are things headed with your husband. You need to think about if you can sustain this relationship as it is now, if there is hope of it improving, etc. Marriage is supposed to be for better or worse but sometimes it just isn't going to work out. The sad reality. Your husband does have to try, right? You can talk to him about trying to be more active, use his brain more than just video games, if he can do something online for work or take classes to position himself to be able to help out financially in the future. Does he watch your one year old? Is he able with his disability? Does he get disability by the way? (something to look into if it would help, and I'm sure it could). ''
So, onto the encounter. It sounds like you have romanticized this a great deal. :) That happens. You are unhappy with current things in your marriage and always had an attraction to this man. Then the opportunity was there. Yes, a lapse in judgment and self control. True. To me, and of course I don't really know and am just going on what you've written, you expressed how you'd romanticized a sexual encounter to wanting to leave your husband and the other man reacted by shock and pulling away. He may just have been trying to be sexual with you and was intoxicated at the time. Or maybe he does have some true feelings and just feels bad for the situation and doesn't know what to do. Time will tell.
But in all honesty, the best thing to do is to get your married life in order and either work on the issues or leave your husband before developing anything more with this man or any other. You'll feel better if you do that and any relationship you start will have a better chance of working out if you do. :>)
I'm not sure what you mean about going to a party where there are all black people and feeling like you have to keep to yourself. I just want to say that people are people and we need to open our minds a bit and expand our universe to get along with everyone. :>)
good luck dear
OMG I'm in the exact same boat but before you judge me hear my story.
I was in school when I met this gorgeous funny guy that really caught my eye. I don't think he saw me the same way until I was a senior in high school as he was 7 years my senior. We saw each other often as I became really close with his mum as she drove me to school and back however the timing was just off when he was single I wasn't etc. In grade 11 I met my (now)husband and there was stars and butterflies but like every relationship we had problems and because I was always close to this other guy lets call him "guy" he was always there even for the matric dance which I ditched him last minute for my husband who was still my boyfriend back then. (we should have hooked up then but no...)
blah blah so it went for 4 years on and off with my boyfriend until we got married and fell pregnant in 2013. We have been married for 2 years and recently he had a motorbike accident and had serious injuries and is now learning to walk again. Now comes the horrible part I know I feel terrible...
We are 3 peas in a pod we hang out at least 4 times a week and I have never stopped liking him. My husband never felt the vibes between "guy" and myself if he did he never said anything. One night I decided to go out with a friend and my husband become very lazy and grouchy and we stopped to fetch "guy" little did I know there were only black people at the party and 'guy' and I decided to keep a safe distance and try keep to ourselves. I was glad he was there it was really dodgy. We suggested to move the party without being rude to the pub just down the road. At the pub it wasn't long before my friend disappeared with other friends and we were alone... we innocently drank and spoke about what could have happened if our timing had been better and he said he was going to ask me out before I announced the engagement. (my husband and I went from a restraining order to married and pregnant in a space of 3 months- no excuse) we just confided in each other as good friends do complaining of issues in relationships and what could have been. He confessed he always liked me but my husband was just too much of a good friend. He drove my car back to his place and we carried on with what ifs... I should have left then. We sat on the couch and tried to watch a movie when he was like hes sooooo tempted 'who would know'... yes this is when I should have left. I swear I was one beat short of a heart attack thought I was dyeing I really like this guy but IM MARRIED impulse took over and I told him to feel my heartbeat... wrong move he pulled me closer and I was lost in bliss or alcohol I'm not sure but it felt so right and was soon over. We got dressed so fast and then laughed in disbelief about what just happened I drove home after that n went straight to bed. Now its extremely awkward told him I want to leave my husband and think I scared him off but I also love my husband but we going through serious drama I'm supporting my family on just my receptionist salary the stress is insane and I have a 1 year old who loves to mess and my husband is so lazy and plays clash of the clans non stop no lie he showers like once a week and I was reading 50 shades of grey....!!!!Shocked and confused I feel bad enough no hate mail please (For them haters: We do not post our personal drama for you to judge, we post because we are looking for much needed advise!! Want to call me a bad person?! Please you are no saint!!)
I was in school when I met this gorgeous funny guy that really caught my eye. I don't think he saw me the same way until I was a senior in high school as he was 7 years my senior. We saw each other often as I became really close with his mum as she drove me to school and back however the timing was just off when he was single I wasn't etc. In grade 11 I met my (now)husband and there was stars and butterflies but like every relationship we had problems and because I was always close to this other guy lets call him "guy" he was always there even for the matric dance which I ditched him last minute for my husband who was still my boyfriend back then. (we should have hooked up then but no...)
blah blah so it went for 4 years on and off with my boyfriend until we got married and fell pregnant in 2013. We have been married for 2 years and recently he had a motorbike accident and had serious injuries and is now learning to walk again. Now comes the horrible part I know I feel terrible...
We are 3 peas in a pod we hang out at least 4 times a week and I have never stopped liking him. My husband never felt the vibes between "guy" and myself if he did he never said anything. One night I decided to go out with a friend and my husband become very lazy and grouchy and we stopped to fetch "guy" little did I know there were only black people at the party and 'guy' and I decided to keep a safe distance and try keep to ourselves. I was glad he was there it was really dodgy. We suggested to move the party without being rude to the pub just down the road. At the pub it wasn't long before my friend disappeared with other friends and we were alone... we innocently drank and spoke about what could have happened if our timing had been better and he said he was going to ask me out before I announced the engagement. (my husband and I went from a restraining order to married and pregnant in a space of 3 months- no excuse) we just confided in each other as good friends do complaining of issues in relationships and what could have been. He confessed he always liked me but my husband was just too much of a good friend. He drove my car back to his place and we carried on with what ifs... I should have left then. We sat on the couch and tried to watch a movie when he was like hes sooooo tempted 'who would know'... yes this is when I should have left. I swear I was one beat short of a heart attack thought I was dyeing I really like this guy but IM MARRIED impulse took over and I told him to feel my heartbeat... wrong move he pulled me closer and I was lost in bliss or alcohol I'm not sure but it felt so right and was soon over. We got dressed so fast and then laughed in disbelief about what just happened I drove home after that n went straight to bed. Now its extremely awkward told him I want to leave my husband and think I scared him off but I also love my husband but we going through serious drama I'm supporting my family on just my receptionist salary the stress is insane and I have a 1 year old who loves to mess and my husband is so lazy and plays clash of the clans non stop no lie he showers like once a week and I was reading 50 shades of grey....!!!!Shocked and confused I feel bad enough no hate mail please (For them haters: We do not post our personal drama for you to judge, we post because we are looking for much needed advise!! Want to call me a bad person?! Please you are no saint!!)
You made a commitment to your husband when you married him.
Regardless of your emotions for your "friend", you can control what happens. Unfortunately, in my view you took the wrong decision.
What was in the past, that is where it should have stayed. Once you made that commitment to your husband on your wedding day, this is where your loyalty should have stayed.
You may be confusing love with infatuation.
You need to decide whether you are going to be true to your marital vows or end the relationship with both men.
You should insist that this "friend" must stay away from your home and must not come between you and your husband any longer. Having him come to your home is just adding fuel to the fire and temptation.
Yes, this "friend" may have led you on, but you could have said "NO".
This "friend" you say is in a relationship too. What does that say about him? He, like you are unfaithful to each others partners.
Regardless of your emotions for your "friend", you can control what happens. Unfortunately, in my view you took the wrong decision.
What was in the past, that is where it should have stayed. Once you made that commitment to your husband on your wedding day, this is where your loyalty should have stayed.
You may be confusing love with infatuation.
You need to decide whether you are going to be true to your marital vows or end the relationship with both men.
You should insist that this "friend" must stay away from your home and must not come between you and your husband any longer. Having him come to your home is just adding fuel to the fire and temptation.
Yes, this "friend" may have led you on, but you could have said "NO".
This "friend" you say is in a relationship too. What does that say about him? He, like you are unfaithful to each others partners.
I agree with everything above.
Successful relationships require us to be able to put ourselves second, and to consider someone else's feelings/wants/needs beyond our own, even if it means sacrificing something we want to make the other person happy.
You should have never married your husband. Quite honestly, you and the "friend" are being very very selfish, thinking only of yourselves, and instant gratification. I just cannot think of a deeper hurt and betrayal than cheating on a spouse with their supposed best friend. Ouch.
I agree completely that the best course of action is to leave behind BOTH men and go figure out why you did this...why this was okay for you? Was it because you were seeking some kind of attention? A therapist will help you work through that.
But, as for option one and option two....neither of them are viable options. For one, your husband deserves a LOT better.....you've already "settled" for him once, don't do it again. He deserves someone that WANTS to be with him, not someone who just picked him because the other option wasn't available or optimal. As for his "friend"...he's no friend. He's deceitful, dishonest, and most likely using you for sexual gratification. I'm sorry you developed feelings for him, but it seems you're both not on the same page emotionally. He WILL do the same thing to you if given the chance.
You've got a lot to work out, that's for sure, but actually, the decision about "which man" to choose shouldn't be one of them...that should be very easy...neither.
Successful relationships require us to be able to put ourselves second, and to consider someone else's feelings/wants/needs beyond our own, even if it means sacrificing something we want to make the other person happy.
You should have never married your husband. Quite honestly, you and the "friend" are being very very selfish, thinking only of yourselves, and instant gratification. I just cannot think of a deeper hurt and betrayal than cheating on a spouse with their supposed best friend. Ouch.
I agree completely that the best course of action is to leave behind BOTH men and go figure out why you did this...why this was okay for you? Was it because you were seeking some kind of attention? A therapist will help you work through that.
But, as for option one and option two....neither of them are viable options. For one, your husband deserves a LOT better.....you've already "settled" for him once, don't do it again. He deserves someone that WANTS to be with him, not someone who just picked him because the other option wasn't available or optimal. As for his "friend"...he's no friend. He's deceitful, dishonest, and most likely using you for sexual gratification. I'm sorry you developed feelings for him, but it seems you're both not on the same page emotionally. He WILL do the same thing to you if given the chance.
You've got a lot to work out, that's for sure, but actually, the decision about "which man" to choose shouldn't be one of them...that should be very easy...neither.
How would you feel if your husband was also having an affair with him behind your back? It does not appear that he is your husbands best friend as best friends dont dissrespect eachother.
What I meant by the first line is the attitude that you have to have a guy, and this one who's marrying you will marry you and you're not sure the one you want would marry you so you pick the one who will, it turns into this kind of mess.
When you HAVE to have a guy, this kind of thing happens. When you walk down the aisle, at that moment in your life, you believe fully that this guy next to you is the one for you and you'll be together forever and you're crazy in love with him.
You don't marry a man just because you're not sure the man you're in love with wants you as much as you suspect he does.
So. Don't get pregnant.
You don't marry a man just because you're not sure the man you're in love with wants you as much as you suspect he does.
So. Don't get pregnant.
COMMUNITY LEADER
You know, I think we need to work really hard to make sure we don't complicate our lives like this. It's unfortunate that you are in this position. We have to have a strong sense of self and strong character to walk away from situations that are just hurtful and damaging. Love is nothing more than emotion. Like any other emotion. People act like they should mountains for it---- but love can come and go just like jealousy, boredom and anger. If you are unhappy with your husband, then you should leave him. BUT, NOT NOT NOT to go be with his friend. That 'relationship' or love you feel with his friend is built on lies and deceit and is not reality. That he'd do this to HIS good guy friend makes him kind of a shmuck. I like strong, character driven men who do the right thing in life. That he would do this to his friend means that he's a cheater---- that will take what he wants when he wants it and throw people out of the way. Mark my words, tying yourself to someone like that means that it will be you that he tosses aside at some point. AND, he will never fully trust you because he knows that YOU too are capable of cheating. That is why these relationships rarely work out because they are built on such a slippery slope.
You need to be on your own without either of these men in your life. To get a plan for how you can live an authentic life where you don't need 'something extra' to make it exciting. Where you can live day to day without lies or hurting someone who you probably don't want to. Where you can be honest with yourself and those around you. How wonderful does that sound to you? Living with deceit and secrets eats away at your soul.
so, I encourage you to do some soul searching ALONE for what kind of life you want to lead.
But love is just an emotion/feeling. Nothing to drive over a cliff for. And by kissing and 'loving' your husband's best friend, that is a bit like driving off the cliff. Not worth your integrity. good luck
Oh, and a therapist would be excellent to help sort out how you got yourself in this situation. good luck dear
You need to be on your own without either of these men in your life. To get a plan for how you can live an authentic life where you don't need 'something extra' to make it exciting. Where you can live day to day without lies or hurting someone who you probably don't want to. Where you can be honest with yourself and those around you. How wonderful does that sound to you? Living with deceit and secrets eats away at your soul.
so, I encourage you to do some soul searching ALONE for what kind of life you want to lead.
But love is just an emotion/feeling. Nothing to drive over a cliff for. And by kissing and 'loving' your husband's best friend, that is a bit like driving off the cliff. Not worth your integrity. good luck
Oh, and a therapist would be excellent to help sort out how you got yourself in this situation. good luck dear
This is wrong on every level,,,,,,,,
and
He is NOT Your Husbands "best friend" - Your Husband just doesn't know it - and You are not being a Wife in the true sense of the word. If You are going to continue this behavior You should make a choice. Your Husband sounds like a good man and He deserves loyalty and integrity from His "friend" and MOST ESPECIALLY from His Wife.
Good advice from thatquietgirl
and
He is NOT Your Husbands "best friend" - Your Husband just doesn't know it - and You are not being a Wife in the true sense of the word. If You are going to continue this behavior You should make a choice. Your Husband sounds like a good man and He deserves loyalty and integrity from His "friend" and MOST ESPECIALLY from His Wife.
Good advice from thatquietgirl
should read:
"and I think it's only fair to your husband that you make sure you are not around when his best friend is (unless unavoidable) and don't spend time alone in a room with him OR you come clean and let your husband know and see what he thinks OR leave your husband."
"and I think it's only fair to your husband that you make sure you are not around when his best friend is (unless unavoidable) and don't spend time alone in a room with him OR you come clean and let your husband know and see what he thinks OR leave your husband."
This could be a case of "the grass is greener" or "forbidden fruit." The "in love" feeling lasts on average two years in a relationship. After that, it's a choice to love. Those "butterflies in the stomach" don't get you through life, and if you go through life searching for that, you may find you never settle down.
However, that being said, I think that you may need to consider how fair it was to your husband to marry him under false pretenses. You settled. Is it really fair to him now, especially since he knows nothing of what you and his "best friend" have done behind his back? You are having an emotional affair and I think it's only fair to your husband that you make sure you are not around when his best friend is (unless unavoidable) and don't spend time alone in a room with him OR you come clean and let him know and see what he thinks OR leave him.
Find ways to occupy your time to keep your mind off this other man, if you choose option one. Be prepared for strong emotions from your husband if you choose the second option. If you choose the third, don't expect things to stay peachy keen with the best friend for forever, if at all. In fact, even if you do choose the third, I would really not try to get with the best friend and spend some time finding you.
Really give this some hard thought. You deserve to be happy and so does your husband.
However, that being said, I think that you may need to consider how fair it was to your husband to marry him under false pretenses. You settled. Is it really fair to him now, especially since he knows nothing of what you and his "best friend" have done behind his back? You are having an emotional affair and I think it's only fair to your husband that you make sure you are not around when his best friend is (unless unavoidable) and don't spend time alone in a room with him OR you come clean and let him know and see what he thinks OR leave him.
Find ways to occupy your time to keep your mind off this other man, if you choose option one. Be prepared for strong emotions from your husband if you choose the second option. If you choose the third, don't expect things to stay peachy keen with the best friend for forever, if at all. In fact, even if you do choose the third, I would really not try to get with the best friend and spend some time finding you.
Really give this some hard thought. You deserve to be happy and so does your husband.
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