I'm nuts with jealousy

When I first met my husband I used to cut pix of sexy women out of Rolling Stone magazine because I couldn't stand the thought of him lusting after them. He cancelled his subscription.

I worried about him lusting after high school girls when his job took him around them. He wrote me a letter and said he was doing it for his job, and if anything, he found teenage girls to be annoying.

Whenever there's a pretty woman in view and I take a quick look to see what he's doing, he is quickly glancing away. In other words, if he sees an attractive woman, he looks away really quickly instead of indulging in a little eye candy.

I checked his PC for 7 and a half years and never found one single porn photo, one single objectionable post, nothing.

I began to trust him explicitly.

Then he was laid off and started beating himself up (losing too much money gambling, feeling depressed, etc.). Then I think he figured out it felt a whole lot easier to him if he beat ME up instead.

He broke up with me, but stayed with me. We'd start getting along well and he'd throw up a wall between us and pick a fight to distance us again. He played push me-pull me for about 9 months.

He got a job, and suddenly felt much better. He invited me to try again -- get a new start in a new location. He moved there while I stayed home and got ready for the move. Four days after he left, a coffee shop barista (19 years old and pretty -- we're in our 50s...) tells me that she and my husband are good friends and she had asked him if I was moving with him and he said no. She said she'd known him a long time and he never mentioned a wife. He said she was crazy and talking nonsense, and I should know that since he'd never given me any reason to doubt him.

He flew back to our old home to help with the move and avoided that coffee shop like it carried the plague. I wanted to know where these people got the idea that we were split up and insisted on going there. It led to a different (teenage girl) insulting me to my face and telling my husband that he should divorce this crazy lady.

My husband said nothing in my defense. This is the man who once quit his job after I had been fired because he couldn't bear to work there without me. He wrote me at the time, "If someone messes with one of us, they mess with both of us. We are a team and we'll get through this."

Turns out he and the barista WERE good friends. When we were having problems, he took to sitting there talking to her until another customer pulled up. He talked about the problems he was having in our relationship. Um hmm.

Ironically, he wrote an email to the owner of the company that fired me and said that I cared so much for the kids we worked with, how could the company fire someone like that? The irony is that this barista was one of the kids he used to be proud of me for caring about. And she told all her friends about our problems -- which covers the rest of the kids he once was proud of me for caring about.

During the six weeks he was gone, this girl and her co-workers poked sticks at me -- "Where is your husband? Hasn't he come back for you yet? I thought you said you were going with him?" Blah, blah.

He wouldn't apologize. I became insanely jealous. I felt like it was them against me, when it used to me and my husband against the world.

I am detoxing off cymbalta and in week 4. It's rough. I got put in a mental facility overnight for observation. He did nothing to help me -- we're back to the hostile environment again. So much for my new start.

When I got home I checked his computer to see what he'd been up to. First time in a looong time. What he'd been up to was pulling up photos of a pretty girl and masturbating to them.

What do I do now? I know I'm insanely jealous, but he accommodated me for 8 years. I KNEW when he refused to apologize for friending the teenage girl and blabbing about our business that he would start doing a bunch of destructive things to PROVE he didn't think it was wrong.

What do I do? My problem? His problem? Our problem? I hate therapy, been in it all my life and it never helps. He refuses to go.

[mami1323]

I don't even know where to begin with this post.  Your relationship sounds dysfunctional from the very beginning.  I don't mean to sound harsh but there was never any stability or trust in this marriage.  Your constant observations and continuous probing has probably gotten on his very last nerve.  Maybe he got tired of accomodating you and got fed up of living under a constant microscope.  That wears thin over time.  I'm sorry when you lost your job and he quit well that's just crazy.  So not only do you have one person unemployed but now two.  I think I would lash my fiance if he did something like that.  Befriending a teenage girl, that's just odd.  I would be extremely disturbed by that.  Not to mention discussing your marital issues with her.  I think you should go to therapy.  If he doesn't want it so be it.  You have severe issues with anxiety and you feel the need to control every aspect of your relationship.  That isn't healthy.  I'm not sure where this marriage will go.  It doesn't seem like much of one anymore.  If he refuses to get marital help than there isn't much more you can do other than get the help you need on your own.  

[specialmom]

Hm.  Complicated. I am going to start with the first order of business and that is your medication.  Detoxing isn't really the right term for discontinuing cymbalta as it is not a controlled substance.  I understand that psychiatric medication can have withdrawel associated with it------ but I would call it tapering off.  And if done correctly, you should be at the end of any issues surrounding withdrawel after 4 weeks.  But why are you going off of it?  And have you started a new agent?  I think that it is critical that you do so.  If you have been in a facility recently for mental distress, it is imperative that you adequately treat any issues.  You can't deal with things that are stressful in the best mental state if you are also combating psychiatric issues.  One in four adults in the US take an antidepressent.  It is important to keep your mental health in its best place possible to deal with things in an appropriate way.

Okay, as to your issues with trust I am sure you realize that you were clearly over the top.  I'd probably guess you suffer anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder and have racing thoughts and irrational thinking at times.  I say that with love as this is not uncommon and we've all been there.  Yours just was intense and long lasting.  I think your partner must love you very much to have stuck with you through that.  Many a man would throw in the towel.  As adults, we have to be able to have friends, look at other adults, and act like we are a sexual being beyond just our spouse in order to be authentic.  Your manipulating him with shame and anger to deny that was very much about you and issues you have.  No, our partners shouldn't be rude about it but cutting out pictures in a magazine and feeling like a quick glance is a federal offense is a sign of some significant internal issues.  These are your issues.

Your describe a period of up and down in the relationship--------- and periods where you were not as together as you once were.  Perhaps this is when he had friendly conversations with this young lady.  I assume she is 18 at least, right?  And they were acquaintances from what you say.  So he went for coffee and talked to her.  She said they were "friends" and never used the term lover or dating.  Nope.  I wouldn't be thrilled with it either.  But you have also created a situation with your partner in which he can't be honest about it with you.  And I can only imagine that you made a scene when returning to the coffee shop that resulted in having words with the other young lady working there.  You should have ordered your coffee when you saw she wasn't there and sat a table with your partner and acted like you were having the best time.  Then the other girl instead of fighting with you would have told the "friend" that you and your partner look like you are getting along great.  Well, so much for that.  That is over now,

Damage control---------  stop going to the coffee shop.  Stop walking by it.  Stay away from those girls.  It is not you against them . . . they are teenagers and if you make it you against them then  you make yourself look foolish.  Grown ups don't play those games.

your significant other--------- are you married?  I'm not sure about that.  But, I think there has been a lot of damage done.  A lot.  I think you need to invest in some private therapy to address your own issues as well as couples therapy to help sort through what has become a bit of a mess.  He needs to be able to talk to you and not think you are going to blow at everything he does and says.  Trust goes both ways------- that is your responsibility as the over controlling partner. Then he has to be responsible for his actions being trustworthy.  Healthy relationships are "interdependent".  No one should be totally independent of the other or dependent on the other.
I wish you lots of luck.  I really do!