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Im suicidal.my husband calls me bad names and says he doesn't love me. please help?

thank you for reading and answering

im 24,my husband is 30
together nearly 4 years, married less than a 1 year

whenever he gets angry,

he calls me bi tch, ****, ***** etc
says he does not love me
says he wants to divorce me
says he will do what he wants and does not care if im sad or happy

and he gets angry at least once a month. it was like this before marriage too.but i married him coz i loved him very much and everytime i tell him to be good he said he will be good.. he is very good and loving when not angry. what can i do? divorce is not an option as i live in an asian country... once you are married, you are married.
will counseling help? if so, how should i approach that subject with him? whats the best way? im very glad for any answers.. i want to know how i should talk with him about going to counseling....
thank you
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145992 tn?1341348674
I am guilty of name calling when I am mad.  I can actually become quite abusive with my words.  I need to work on it as well, but I agree, it is fixable as long as the husband acknowledges it as a problem.  If he doesn't than there is no other real choice than to either leave him or fix how you react during arguments.
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973741 tn?1342346373
mami1323----  LOTS of people do this.  Don't feel like you are bad or alone.  It is one of those things that can be a habit.  I always think if someone looks for signs that they are escalating and acknowlege internally that they don't want to----  they can control it.  That means as you feel your blood start to boil, tell your fiance that you need to take a break to cool off.  Then go off and do something to calm down.  I write out what I'm feeling sometimes and then throw it away.  I go outside for a fast paced walk or jog (yeah right, walk).  As you have your little boy ----  you may need to just do something in your home for a minute by yourself to cool down.  And then you can approach the issue later calmly.

I think looking for that pause between anger and reacting is what you have to look for.  Slow the whole thing down and think about that pause.  

Lastly, as motivation-----  if your fiance is being an #1 jerk and in the wrong, as soon as you yell or say something super mean-----  you've trumped him in bad behavior.  That is motivation for me----  because if I am upset about something, I don't want any opportunity to turn it around on me.  

Okay, I'll stop talking about this . . .
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hi, is there any books he can read by which he will understand what he is doing and will help him to control?
and is there any books for me to read?

thank you very much for your kindness
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none? :(
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973741 tn?1342346373
Oh, I'm sorry----  I didn't see that you posted this question.  I'm glad you asked again so it popped up top.  I will think about this and message you with some ideas of books.  I hope it is going okay----  I will message you.  (it has been the Christmas holiday with lots of events the past few days . . .  I've been so preoccupied.)
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i told his relatives about this(1st made them promise not to tell him or talk with him about it) they 1st refused to accept he is this way. then i made them see the texts/emails he sends me when i am at work. then only they accepted. they are very surprisesd.

i went to counseling and got the same advice you gave me.
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Your husband says he will divorce you, yet you say in your country divorce is not acceptable, is ther no law that protects women from theses kind of situations also what can a counselor do ecept tell you to take it, if they do not believe in divorce, what would your husband do if you started in on him when he starts in on you  in other words can you stand up for yourself, he will keep doing this as long as you let him   luck  jo
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973741 tn?1342346373
I just wanted to commend this young lady for taking the steps she has thus far to improve her life.  Seeing a therapist and talking to family is a good first step.  You are doing the right thing by acting on your concerns and trying to solve the problem.  I wish you only success in this process.  If your husband is willing to change, he most likely can.  Is there any way that he would also see a therapist?  
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he does not want to go to a therapist :(
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686059 tn?1293837427
Please do not permit anyone to ever treat you less than you deserve to be treated. If he doesn't want to go to therapist, start making a plan to get out of this abusive marriage. Talk with your family and good friends on leaving this man who is not only abusive, but will neither seek counseling and will only continue to abuse you. Love should not hurt....this is not love, but abuse. Please get out as soon as possible, because it will be a matter of time that it will change from verbal to physical abuse.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Do you want to stay married to this man and work on the problems or find a way to leave?  Many are suggesting that you just leave him.  If you have love for him and want to work on this relationship, it can be helped (as long as he is willing) but if you no longer want to be in the marriage but can't think of a way out-----  that is a different matter.  So I just wanted YOU to clarify.    

I think that this marriage and depression have left you very vulnerable and that is why I would not tell you to leave or stay.  I think you are taking steps to figure out what your boundaries are.  No therapist just tells an abused woman to stay (even in your country)-----  but if a woman desires her relationship----  a therapist first problem solves on that basis.  Marriages can be saved------  I've personally seen it many times.

Are you afraid of your husband?  That is a very serious question.  It would give me a better idea of the intensity level here.  So think about your answer first.  (and again, I'm always on YOUR side!)
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hi, thanks for your reply

i do want to stay with him. when he is not angry, he even washes and feeds me and strokes my hair till i fall asleep. he takes care of me, asks how i am, takes me to the doc when i am sick etc

im not afraid of him. he knows how this hurts me but he does not want to get help.(seems like he thinks getting help is not manly or something)

i earn 25% more than him and im educated than him. and i know people say i could get a better looking man than him (which does not matter to me) but even though those things does not matter to me, could he be thinking that he does not have control over those areas and need to have control and power through abuse?

he does not respect women due to his mother running away with his fathers brother when he was just 2 years old and his previous girlfriends cheating on him. even though he does respect me at other times when he is angry im "just another woman" to him....

help :(



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did you find any good books for me to read?
i read a lot and i can really understand this better and cope with it if i get to read books on this.

i have an idea
what if i dont eat, dont sleep and just sit there and cry like i have major depression?
i do have depression and have eating and sleeping problems and i cry at night.but what if i act as if its Extreme ? he will have to take me to a doc. then i will go and tell the doc i am depressed coz of this problem. then the doc will talk with him correct?


( by doc i mean a Psychiatrist )
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your last idea is very foolish and immature, acting never gets anyone anywhere you are a grown up woman and not a child, if you want to go to a psychiatrist why do you not just get up and go, do you have to have his permission for everything you do  luck  jo
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145992 tn?1341348674
jo she wants him to go so she thinks by tricking him, she will force him to go.  

girl198 - you can't force anyone to get help.  If he doesn't want it than it won't work anyway.  People don't change unless they want to change themselves.  From the sound of it, he doesn't think there is anything wrong with himself.  I suggest you get some counseling for yourself and then determine if you still want to stay in this marriage.
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thanks i misunderstood
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I am sorry for my last answer i misunderstood the reason  luck  jo
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973741 tn?1342346373
I will say that I agree with the other two ladies.  By tricking him to go, you've been deceitful and then he does have a real reason to be upset.  Don't go down that path.  I would approach him as an adult to adult and say that you want to save your marriage but to do so he must be willing to work on his anger issues with a professional.  If this angers him, you've done your best.  I wouldn't approach it in such a way to make him defensive-----  I'd approach it gently and say you only have his best interest and that of your marriage in mind.  If you are not afraid of him physically, I'd consider being rather forceful on the subject.  

Are health issues confidential in your country?  Here, if he were to go to a psychiatrist or psychologist, it is all confidential.  No one would know.  You could tell him that if he goes to counseling with you for the sake of your marriage and someone sees him or asks, you can say he is just accompanying you to your appointment.  

Many men are tricky about the manhood thing.  Some men are insecure and want to "lord" over their wives. That is not healthy.  I am trying to understand what is really going on, does he just get mean during a fight or does the meanness last?  I didn't realize, for example, until a couple of posts ago that he sends you nasty texts during the day.  That is not okay.  Many people when mad will spout off nasty things (even though they shouldn't, but they handle anger wrong)-----  but sending messages after wards is a bit much.  

So, see your therapist.  Try all that she/he says to do.  Strategize on having your husband join you.  Make sure you are treating your depression by a professional (take medicine if you have to).  

I'm still working on reading material for you.  I used things in therapy that were condensed into easy sheets for people to take and read or exercises to do and didn't recommend specific books exactly.  I know there are excellent ones out there, but will have to look through the selection to see what might be good.  Do ask your therapist as well.  

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he gets angry, scolds me and then stays angry for 2 weeks or more. in those days he is distant and just some little things is enough to make him scold me. then he gets normal again.


can you please give me your response about the following things? i think these could be the reason for his behaviour.  i am going to the counseling again on jan 7th.


i earn 25% more than him and im educated than him. and i know people say i could get a better looking man than him (which does not matter to me) but even though those things does not matter to me, could he be thinking that he does not have control over those areas and need to have control and power through abuse?

he does not respect women due to his mother running away with his fathers brother when he was just 2 years old and his previous girlfriends cheating on him. even though he does respect me at other times when he is angry im "just another woman" to him....


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973741 tn?1342346373
Well, those would be good issues for him to address if he went to counseling . . .  

Men have egos, insecurities and as I said, some want to lord over their wives.  They don't want to be inferior in any way.  And I guess if he feels inferior to you because of your job or education, that may cause him to pick fights.  My husband and I are similar in that I earned a doctorate and made a very high income.  My husband is well educated too but didn't go as far and makes a good income but I actually made more than he did.  But my husband enjoyed the benefits of this instead of being intimidated by it.  Some men would have had a harder time.  I definately wouldn't talk about it to him or add any fuel to that fire.  Don't ever belittle him (which I am sure you don't).

As far as abandonment issues from mother and girlfriends-----  sure, he may have this.  But adults have a responsibility not to take the things that have hurt them in the past out on their current partner.  That is the bottom line.  I don't want to say so what to this-----  but it certainly isn't your fault he had a bad mother and chose bad women prior to you.  He shouldn't punish you for it with bad behavior.

So, he needs couseling.  I didn't realize that he gets mad for extended periods of time.  It paints a slightly different picture and one starts to wonder about his mental state, to be honest.  Is he terribly moody?  What did his family say in response to you showing him the texts and confessing this problem?  What suggestions do they have knowing him?  They may need to sit with you at some point and him and back you up to ask him to get help.  At some point, you may come to a cross roads that he must work on this proactively or you won't be there for  him.  
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yes he is very moody. theres a lot of hate and anger inside him... and he loves taking revenge and does not care if others praise him or say something bad about him

they support me and told me to go to counseling. his brother came with me for the counseling.

he says things like he doesnt care if im sad( when he is angry)

thank you for helping me
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he refuses going to the therapist even though his brother told him to go
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1100763 tn?1264632098
I feel so bad for you :(  it must be just miserable for you. Were do you live ? I'm having a hard time understanding how your parents and his parents would won't you to live like this.
You need to get some help. It sounds like you are not able to talk to him about your feelings. Is there any one that can help? How did his brother go about tell him to get some therapy,and what was his reaction?  
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im living in an asian country my dear. he flatly refused to go when his brother told him to go
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1100763 tn?1264632098
I'm sorry his brother was unable to help. We can only help the ones who wont it. He sounds stubborn. Unfortunate y you are the only on who is suffering.  
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973741 tn?1342346373
It is sad and makes me happy for the freedom I have.  But I am married and I would give my marriage the best chance of recovery either way.  It is disappointing that he will not go to therapy at this time.  He definately needs it.  You should continue to go yourself and get strategies that may help deal with him or ideas that you could give him to use to control his own anger.  He may say he is motivated to change and accept the information you give him, at least.  Then you can see if it has any affect.  If it continues to escalate or moves torwards your feeling unsafe . . . you DO have to protect yourself----  culture or now.  I would think about what if that becomes the case, what your options are so that if you find yourself in that situation you will know how to handle it.  You sound smart and capable----- I have no doubt there will be an answer.  Make sure you are addressing any depression issues you are having and remember to remain hopeful.  I have seen worse situations than this recover.  And I've seen women who have felt trapped find a solution to freedom.  Good luck.
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he wont go no matter how much i ask him(in a nice way not nagging)
he says he will read books that are aimed at the abuser (yes he does understand he is an abuser)  
so thats the way to go i guess. he reads so much -even more than me-

love and hugs for being so helpful
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973741 tn?1342346373
Okay, well at least he will read something.  I thougt of another book that I will send you a note with the title of it . . . I have to look up the author.  Also, ask your therapist.  She probably has handouts that are easy and exercises he can do.  

I wish you the best of luck and remember to take care of yourself!!!!!  Stay strong.
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my mother language is not english and there are no books in here dealing with this subject... yes.. none :(  so my therapist cant assist me in that area and my husband insists that he will not go to the therapist and will only read books...

so if you can get me the names of books which are written for the abuser, that will be a big help. i can get those books through amazon if i know the  title. when i search amazon it gives names of the books written for the abused, not the abuser
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973741 tn?1342346373
Okay, I'll keep looking.  The one I sent a note to you about is excellent and will speak directly to your husband.  It talks about some of the things he's gone through that may affect him now and how to stop it.  

Even in your language, your therapist should have some things to give you that will help at home.  By this I mean-------  if she sees someone with rage, what does she tell them to do and does she have any papers she gives them?  For example, I had a worksheet that I gave couples on how to argue.  I often only saw one person in a couple and I would give the sheet to them.  If only one person learns the right way to argue, it is half the battle, right?  And then you could bestow the knowledge on your husband.  Things like that.  Ask your therapist about that.  If she can't help, then just stick to the books.  

Really wishing you luck . . . feel bad about the situation.  
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can you please please give me that worksheet?
she told me about counting to 10, taking time out etc but he just forgets all that when he is angry.
is there any medicine used to control anger? no ? :(

yesterday, i asked him about something. he said no. but i wanted to confirm so i asked again. then he sent me "i already told you bit ch. whats wrong with you wh0re? " that is through email. he is away for 3 days because of work. then i sent him im not going to look at my email again and logged out. he still didnt contact me after that.
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i think i have a weakness. when he yells at me, i cry but after 2-3 hours i myself go and ask him "are you still angry? " then he says no and i just start to talk with him again. he does not say sorry. shall i wait without talking till he himself comes and talks with me?

im sorry that im asking a lot from you.
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973741 tn?1342346373
Well, flat out ----  your husbands behavior two posts above is unacceptable.  I would print his email and hand it to him when he returns.  Tell him he can't do that again.  If he does, you are going to give the emails to his father and brother.  

Your therapist is giving you information to use-----  your husband is going to have to learn discipline and control.  HE will forget as he is learning new behavior.  Tell him as he is escalating-----  remember to count to 10, remember to breath.  

I gave some suggestions early on too-----  the walk and don't talk rule.  He must just stop talking as he is getting angry.  You say no more to him for the time being and he says no more to you until he cools off.  You can simply say----  "lets take a break and cool down" before he blows.  

And yes, by accepting his behavior and going right back to normal----  it tells him it is okay to act this way.  You need to think about what you can do that isn't passive aggressive to say enough.  "still angry?"  NO.  "okay, well your behavior was unacceptable and we need to talk about why you escalated and how we can stop this."  Don't just move on.  

Medication . . . well is he moody and depressed.  Depression can be at low levels called dysthymia.  Add a little anxiety into the mix and you have a man who flares up.  So I'd see if a doctor would prescribe a selective seratonin agent for him if they feel he has depression or anxiety symptoms.  

Print off that email and SHOW him his words.  I'd even tape record him and let him hear himself.  If he gets mad, it is just because he is embarressed.  But he is a little worse than I originally thought as he is SO nasty to you at times.  

MAKE SURE YOU ARE SAFE.  and take care.
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i will walk away when he becomes abusing when we talk. it didnt happen after december 20th, up to now.
he is not likely to walk away because he does not remember those ways to handle anger when he is angry.
if i print and give the email he wont read it. i ve tried to get him to read his texts (which he sents to me) but he just becomes angry.

he is under a lot of stress because of his job. and he is very moody.

if there is any medication, i think that will be great.because he refuses counselling and forgets the anger management techniques when angry.

and i got the book through amazon today.

and im not going to the counselling again... she just says me to be strong and try to change him.and she says it might even take 40 years!!! she tells me, when he scolds me, i shall think in my mind " you dog". thats her solution !!

she does not understand the emotional pain i feel because of this. in these countries this is not taken as a serious issue....

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if there are some medications, please let me know....
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i feel very sad. the therapist told me, these are not the problems people face, there are women who get hit by their husbands daily ! yes, thats true but this is a big problem to me.
(in these countries even when the husband beats the wife, they stay, they never think about leaving. coz once you are divorced then you cant find a partner)


im going to a psychiatrist on saturday. lets see if he can understand
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973741 tn?1342346373
Oh  my goodness, can I come and get you out of there?  The problem is you are an intelligent, sincere and sensative woman and know what a life with this man as he is would be like.  

As far as not remembering the steps of not getting angry-----  of course he isn't going to right away.  He is set in  his pattern.  The idea is to learn new things.  Ask him what you can do when he is getting angry to help him remember the steps of not attacking when he is mad.  Everyone will get mad and frustrated with their spouse----  but the way he handles his anger is the problem.  ASK HIM what you should do to have him remember the healthy way of handling it.

A selective seratoning medication would help him, I think.  I don't know if the drugs have different names in your country ----  lexapro, prozac, zoloft, paxil, effexor, etc.  are drugs here.  All would help him.  (maybe you too).

Serious question, what would  happen if you left?  
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i will talk with the doctor 2moro about this problem. im taking a printout of this question with me. i will ask him if he can recommend those medications as my husband rejects counselling and forgets the anger management.

any thing i do to remind him about the steps of anger management when he is getting mad would just make him say "f u c*k off you bi~tch you can teach me"

if i left, he will try to get me back i guess. and there will be a lot of drama among our relatives. divorce is a very "bad thing" here. think about this dear, i work at a place where there are about 800 workers. and none is divorced. so you get the picture :)
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i meant "you cant teach me" he will tell me that if i try to remind him the anger management techniques
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i will write on monday again... i dont come to this site when im at home. if he see this that will make him angry.

after that email, he still doesnt talk with me. didnt say sorry for using such words. he is still angry
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i met two psychiatrists. and it was totally useless. unless he is coming, they cant do anything.... and, they dont see this as a problem and told me "not to make him angry" !!

i dont know what to do.....
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973741 tn?1342346373
Well, what if you stuck up for yourself to him.  He starts abusine you----  you hold up your  hand and say "STOP!  You may not talk to me that way."  Very firmly.  And if he keeps it up----  "I will NOT talk to you when  you use that language with me."  I will not talk to you again until you apologize for it.  And then don't.  He's being a bully.  That is one way to combat a bully.  

I'm throwing it out there because I'm running out of ideas for you.  If my  husband sent me a text such as you describe-----   I would text back that "I will not tolerate you speaking to me that way."  Then I would not respond to him again.  Then when he got home----  I would hold up my phone and say "this is NOT okay!"  I'd tell him he has to apologize immediately.  If he got mad----  too bad.  

This will shock him, I'm thinking at this point.  But you are a nice, intelligent woman that deserves to be treated better.  Demand it.  What do you have to loose.  

Like I said, running out of ideas.  Did that book help?
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he is reading the book now

you have given me a lot of ideas. im waiting to use them when he gets angry infront of me again

i see that the abuse mostly happens through texts and emails

the problem is, he wont say sorry and he will stay weeks without talking with me until i myself go and talk with him! thats how bad his anger is. and he does not care that im hurt. is this some kind of a mental disorder?


is there a way to get some of the medication without a prescription?
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i can get lexapro what dosage shall  be given? as these doctors will not give medicine unless he goes, and they really think that this is not a problem, i would love it if you can ask a doc and advise me ..
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i searched the net and found out that the following will help anger problems

risperidone
lithium carbonate
haloperidol

can you please talk with a psychiatrist and ask how these should be given? i know im asking for a big help but this seems to be the only way to have some happiness
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973741 tn?1342346373
Those medications are antipsychotics---  the big guns of the psychiatric world.  They would NOT be appropriate.  

I will tell you that ethically I can't help you with medical dosages for your husband.  In our country, one out of every four people take an antidepressent.  Primary care doctors often prescribe them----  the list I gave earlier is the one I'd stick to. It is confidential and not that big of a deal to take.  There is also natural things like St. John's Wart that you can get at a health store.  I have mixed feelings if this hurts.  But you shouldn't just give it to him without him being aware.  I think that is illegal.   HE has to go and be prescribed the medication.  Don't get yourself in trouble with that legally.  

I think I would be more proactive with your husband.  He sends you an inappropriate text or email----  confront him with it upon his arrival at home or wait one day and do it the next.  Tell him then that this is NOT appropriate and you will no longer tolerate it.  
It is worth a try.  Good luck.
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ok i will wait until it happens again. and try the ways you told me...

if not, i ll have to move out to my parents house till he goes to a doc...  thats the only way
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1100763 tn?1264632098
You are taking the right steps, I'm sure that your parents would not wont you to be in a relationship that is unhealthy,and making you physically and mentally ill.
You are going to have to make the decision for yourself. I'm sure that he is going  to be very upset IF and WHEN the times comes,but maybe this is the eye opener that he needs to see and feel the way he is making you feel.
  
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973741 tn?1342346373
I agree with younggrandma-----  you have to take care of yourself.  You are doing the right things to do that.  Sometimes someone has to suffer a consequence to realize how bad the problem is.  Good luck to you---  i'm on your side!
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Hey which country are you in ? Ur Problem sounds so much like wat I m going thru right now...except in my case I m a working mother with one kid.... he is so selfish and controlling that he holds my bank card Where my salary goes... my salary is maxed with monthly payments like insurance, Car loan and mother support... Btw he is an engineer with highly paid job...yet he is painfully stingy.... His policy is simple ...wat is his is his but wat is mine is ours...part of my Employee Provident Fund money was used as nonpayment for his luxurious car tHat he doesn't allow me and my son to travel In It.....saying we are filthy and will dirty his car....not that he can't afford the payment but he keeps a secret account saying thAt it's for our future home...but wat I don't understand is that all my monthly savings goes into a joint account but his savings goes to his private account that I have no idea wat amount he has in his savings... then when I wanted to purchase house under my name he arranged it in such a way that the rental for that house goes back into his account. So I still don't get to see my hArd earned money... whenever I try talking about it to him he scolds me, Insult in vulgarity, calls me names, Curse and cuss not only me but he would throw in my mother  my sister and my whole family ....and no sorry after that.... Very painful, very lonely life...
And more....a small mistake, A slip of a tongue, A slight change in my emotion would cause him to react horribly... sometimes he will continue cursing, insulting , Demeaning me for days ... then silence for another few weeks...it's a mental torture...
Can't sit down and speak about finance and family.... always ends up with heated arguments or deathly silence...
Love marriage ...can't stay neither can u leave...
He doesn't even go to church...pay his tithes..or offering....if there any good he does Is for name and recognition....very sensitive...very vengeful...he can insult and demean my family but if I accidentally reply him out of Anger....he would only remember the word that I uttered but obviously forgetting wat he had said earlier that would have provoked him....
And I havens way out of this...my only joy in this life is my son....probably if I hadn't had him....I would be no more .....
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