Impotence and annoying girl

[pinkroses]

Hi there,
Me and my fiance have been together almost 5years and for 4years hes been at university studying a masters degree. Its always been hard everytime he goes back to university, which is 200miles away. But this year he was placed in a hall that has 4 other girls there, and well I was abit jealous at first, but wasnt that bothered as it wasnt his fault.
Anyway there is a spanish girl that always seems very friendly with him and in a message to him at christmas she said she missed him, which annoyed me. Then when he came back the other weekend i was making him some tea and went over to him as he was on his comp and went to look what he was doing and she was chatting to him on msn, and it hurt.
well that next week i was at work alday and he sent me a text message saying he'd just been to th cinema and I asked what he saw and who with, and he said the spanish girl. and now this weekend he went on a day trip with the spanish girls and her friends, which really hurts.
I dont know if Im being silly and hurting too much or what.
I do know that hes always had female friends and I tend to get jealous of all of them, including a school friend he'd been friends with for years.
I do know hes not doing anything with this girl, and she has a boyfriend, but I dont know how to control my hurt feelings and how to make him see how much I hate it. whenever i try to tell him he says im being silly and childish.
I love him so much and I know he loves me, but I feel like these spanish girls have gone to his head too much and thinks more of them than me. hes coming home for valentines day to see me. and he did cut his hair like patrick dempsey for me as a surprise as he knows how much i fancy him.
My parents are annoyed with him, but say hes not upto anything (and I really dont think he is either) but it all just hurts too much.
And i ask him why hes not so cheerful with me and he says its because im moody all the time, but i wouldnt be moody if he wasnt acting this way.

he came back this weekend for valetines day and bought me pink and red roses which he knows i love. on friday night i asked him whats wrong because hes been quiet lately and he said 'there was nothing wrong' he then told me that hes been unable to masterbate and that he is aroused but cant keep an erection  long enough and that he cant climax
hes going to the doctor at university about it tomorrow, but Im just wondering if this is why hes been acting so odd lately.
We did make love and he did climax, but the second night it was harder for him and he was actually soft when he climaxed.
Also another thing is he keeps starting at the ceiling and into space alot, i ask him whats wrong and he says nothing, then says hes thinking about work or what work hes got to do (hes studying a masters in aeronautical engineering).
I asked him if i was losing him and he said no and i asked him if he loves me and still finds me attractive and he says yes.
And when he went to work downstairs in his house the other morning when i was still in bed he gave my forehead a tender kiss.
But then today he hasnt said much to me (hes back at uni 200miles away) and i phoned him and he said he was going to play snooker with his friend.
I just really dont know whats going on.
we're going on holiday with his parents to france in july and hes taking me to paris.

sorry i know its  a long one, but im so stressed out and really dont understand anymore. i love him so much. and when he left my house the other night i told him not to hurt me or make me phone him crying and he said he wouldnt and he looked really sad, in his eyes, they didnt look the same.
i start to think hes depressed.
anyway if anyone could help id love it if you could
XxX

[extrmeski]

I am so sorry for you.  Heartbreak is such a horrible thing and for some reason when it happens it feels like your whole world is crashing in.  That was pretty heartless doing the whole thing over text mesg.  I hate that, my last g/f did that stuff to me a few times (stupid me I'd take her back too).  I'd get these heartless msgs, and it would drive me nuts as I am a communicator and I wanted to talk it all through.
Anyway you have my sympathy for sure.  I think I'd rather be shot then to go through the pain of heartbreak!

[mami1323]

Try not talking with any of his friends and try staying away from his email or myspace or whatever else.  You need to make a clean break and by you going to look at these things it's only going to hurt you even more.  You need to meet some new people and create a life of your own.  You need to go out with girlfriends.  I know you don't have any but now is the time to make efforts to meeting people.  Stop focusing so much energy on him and put it into yourself.  I know it's hard and sometimes we will have something that steps us backwards but keep moving forward.  It's going to take time but you will be ok.

[MrsOckert]

Man, girl - you gotta let it go.  this is going to eat you up inside if you let it.

Not going to work and possibly losing your job over the situation.

[pinkroses]

ugh today i logged into msn and his name was this long thing of spanish writting, so hes obviously with her.
hurt all afternoon.
and all his friend from uni keeps doing is bragging what a great weekend he had with my ex.

[mami1323]

He is thinking of you.  How could he not?  You were together a really long time.  It's better that you disappeared, it makes him wonder how you could've just moved on so fast.  You will hear from him again, trust me.  They always come back...of course always when it's too late.  

Take this time for yourself.  Other guys will just be an annoyance, you need to get over your ex first.  What helped me move forward was working out.  I used to go to the gym and expend all my energy on that.  It was great therapy.  Sometimes I would take a kickboxing class and pretend I was punching him in the face.  It was so helpful and I looked awesome.  Best shape I had ever been in.  He was my motivation.  I said to myself, the day I see him again he's going to have his jaw hit the ground because I look so good.  Guess what, that day happened and he was mine ever since.  

[pinkroses]

Oh dear hes going through the teething stage, i remember my nephews and nieces use to keep my sisters awake when they went through it.

Im at the point now where i wonder if that by not contacting him if it hurt him or not, or whether it still bothers him?! I know I shouldnt care, but i wish he was sat there at uni missing and pining for me (though it wouldnt make any difference) but its nearly been 5weeks and hes not contacted me once, never even appologized  for hurting me.
Ugh i really hate all of this, its sort of boring now and other men just seem to turn me.

Ive got one texting me all the time and i havent replied since saturday, but he still keeps texting, asking if he just saw me online when i quickly sneak on, hes annoying me,lol, feel like i dont need that at the moment.
I only ever spoke to this guy once or twice.lol.
x

[mami1323]

Well therapy will be good for you.  Break-ups are hard even if you didn't have depression.  I used to stay home and cry all day.  Over time you just learn how to deal with them.  It still hurts but you don't sit in a dark room and sleep your life away.  You learn how to cope.  Maybe you can meet some young women on this forum that may live in your area?  There isn't anyone at work that you could hang out with?  

I'm good, thanks for asking.  Nothing much going on with me other than my son seems to be getting more teeth and not letting me sleep.

[pinkroses]

hey,thanks for asking how i am :)
how are you?
well i went back to work, but ive been having 2hours sleep a night, i just couldnt sleep. so lastnight i cried all night, so my mum called work this morning and told them i couldnt go in and she took me to the doctor.
So i saw a doctor whos known me all my life and he asked me about my sleeping patterns and he could just tell by looking at me really and told me i have chronic depression. which was quite shocking, but i knew i wasnt right. so hes given me 2weeks off work and i have to go to councelling.
so i just hope to get over all this and concentrate on getting me back to my normal happy self.
Umm all my girlfriends have either just got pregnant, or had babies. so theyr both occupied, and one has a relationship problem of her own, plus they all like 30ish miles away.

[mami1323]

Hey, I was just wondering how you were doing.  Well it always gets worse before it gets better.  You will be ok though, it's just going to take some time.  It's good that you got some rest but you sleeping the day away is not healthy either.  Do you have some girlfriends that you could hang out with?  It would help if you had some people to distract you from all this.  I remember when my fiance broke my heart, I would hang out with my girl and we would go to clubs or to the movies.  We were inseperable, I would call her my boyfriend because we would be with eachother all the time.  Now she lives in Connecticut with her husband and son and we don't see eachother as much but she was always there to be a shoulder to cry on or a support system.  Do you have anyone like that?

[pinkroses]

I bought a book called "its called a breakup because its broken" which i think im going to enjoy.
things seem to be getting abit better.
Tuesday was bad, i went to the dentist and the doctor and had major panic attacks. i slept when i got home, felt like i couldnt breath and felt like i was physically dying (it wasnt because i missed him, it was because i think everything had taken its toll on my body).
I cried all night, told my mum about my thoughts and feelings, things i hadnt been able to tell her before because i couldnt find the words.
she called my work wednesday morning and told them i couldnt go in as i was too exausted from everything, and i got a sick note from my doctor for a week as he could tell i wasnt right too.
i feel like just taking it easy the last few days and getting plenty of sleep has helped me, even though my boss is going to go mental.
i wish this whole thing has done the same to him though as it doesnt seem fair that hes the one who did the dirty and gets away with it.

[mami1323]

It's not silly, it's completely normal.  Look at this as a grieving moment in time.  A love lost.  You've not only lost that but a best friend as well.  A source of comfort in moments of sadness or when you're afraid.  Even when you are happy and want to share it with him.  It's going to be hard and you will constantly question what went wrong.  You can not know what's going on in his head but I can guarantee you that he didn't just forget about you.  When my fiance broke up with me, I couldn't watch movies that we saw together, I couldn't even look at his picture.  When we got back together, he told me that he couldn't watch the movies that we used to watch and laugh about because it made him think of me.  So I felt better knowing that I wasn't the only one.  We used to enjoy the same music and the girl that he had left me for hated the type of music we loved.  It just made him miss me even more.  You never know what's going on in his head.  Just focus on yourself right now and try not to play every moment back in your mind.  Keep moving forward.  You will be fine.

[pinkroses]

Theres a single guy at work that i see just as a friend, and one of my friends has told me he likes me, but i dont like him in that way and they all make me feel guilty.
I guess my ex will realize what hes missed soon enough, but it will be too late.
just still wiah it hadnt got to this, as i really thought it never would. thought he loved me too much.
I'll never understand how he turned from loving me to eternity (as he said) to nothing over the course of a month, its just weird.
and i always wonder if he feels like contacting me or when he sees something on tv that we use to laugh at whether he'd think iv got to tell christina about that and then realize oh i cant. or if he even misses me being silly and making him laugh.
i think silly things all the time.
and iv been dreaming of him alot the last few days.
i went to the  dentist today and im really scared of the dentist and i just wanted him, because i was scared. its silly.

[mami1323]

Your expectations should be high.  Don't settle for anyone.  If you allow yourself to be completely over your ex before you move on the next man, then you won't compare.  You will love again, trust me.  I loved my first boyfriend more than anything in the world.  I was with him for 6 years when he dumped me for a girl he was working with.  I thought I would never get over him.  Well guess what, I did.  I fell in love again and that didn't work and I fell in love again after that.  We have many loves in a lifetime.  Each relationship different from the next.  Looking back, I can't even imagine what I loved so much about my first.  He wasn't as good looking or funny as my fiance now.  You move on and get better.  Don't even worry about that right now.  Just focus on healing your broken heart.  Especially don't think about him moving on before you.  Most likely he will settle for some girl but she will never be you.  Once you've moved on, you won't even care that he's with someone else.  It gets easier day by day.  Hang in there.

[pinkroses]

Im scared that im going to have very high expectations for my next man.
My ex was very intelligent and handsome and im scared that Im going to compare everyone to him, in that way.
I do always seem to go for clever men though, I dont why they have me though, its sort of like Pinky and the Brain ,hehe.
I have decided Im going to start doing more things for myself though, like doing a college course in september and actually learning to drive.
Im just scared il never love someone that much again.
Im also scared he'll find someone before i do, as he doesnt deserve to be happy now, thats how i feel.

[mami1323]

It's totally normal to feel that way.  It just happened...it's not like it's been a long time.  Give yourself time.  And yes, it is a learning experience.  All relationships are...and that is something that's very important in life.  Learning lessons, you learned to be more independent in a relationship.  Don't put your all into it unless you are getting it in return.  Do not beat yourself up about it because it's not your fault that the relationship ended.  Don't ever blame yourself for his selfish actions.  You gave him the world, he just didn't know how to treasure it.  Someone else will so don't you worry about that.  

[pinkroses]

i know you're all right and i know one day soon i'll look back on this and think of how much stronger the experience will have made me. and teach me where i went wrong in the past.
i put him on a pedal stool and treated him like the centre of my universe all the time, like a god and i know i shouldnt have, that maybe i should have been a little more independent (even though i was really, as i have my job and life down here).
i sort of wish he'd come back, but dont know what id do. im still a little confused, my feelings are knotted up still.

[mayflowers]

Mami has given you great advice.  

I would recommend that you find that engagement ring if at all possible.  Take the diamond and have it re-set into a pendant.  Or you could sell it.

Good luck with everything.  You'll be ok and someday you'll find someone better than this guy.  Trust me on this one.

[mami1323]

It's so hard to say what he is thinking.  I'm sure that he's thinking of you regardless.  Men seem to have an easier time moving on but it doesn't mean they don't think of us or regret their decisions.  I found that the less you are in contact with them, the more it bothers them.  Also, men tend to have regrets when they realize that the girl they left you for is not what they thought.  They always think the grass is greener but the reason why they feel that way is because it's new to them.  Once it's not so new anymore, that euphoric feeling wears off and they realize that they made a huge mistake.  That new girl could never be you and he will miss all the things you used to do.  I'll tell you a story about me.  I dated this guy and fell for him right away.  He was everything to me.  He made me laugh like no one else had, he was attentive and loving and willing to spend time with me.  It felt like we had something good, except he had this girl in his life that he swore was just a good friend.  His best friend, however, they had dated before.  I knew there was more to this than just friendship.  She wanted to be with him because she could tell he was falling for me too.  One day he broke up with me and his reason was, he wasn't ready for a relationship, but I knew better I told him that I believed he was with this girl.  Well my intuitions were right, he decided to get back with her.  I never called him again.  I was soooo hurt, all I did was dream about him.  I would wake up crying and then I would be angry at myself for getting sad.  He didn't deserve any of my tears.  I never let him know how much he hurt me.  A couple of months later, I get a call from him.  His mother was dying and he needed to talk to me.  Basically, he realized he had made a huge mistake.  This girl just wanted the challenge, she cheated on him a couple weeks in.  He knew he had a good thing with me but he was just very confused.  Long story short, we're engaged and we have a son.  He doesn't speak to that a-hole anymore and we're happy.  I'm not saying that this is how it will be with you and him and I'm not saying you should forgive him.  My point for my story is that the entire time, I had thought that he moved on but in reality he was thinking about me and regretting his decision every minute.  He got lucky that I was willing to take him back.  Your ex will eventually see how he screwed up but it's really up to you if you want to give him another shot.  Move on with your life and don't sit there pining away for him.  You will be fine.  Stay strong!!!

[pinkroses]

yeah i never contacted him once after that text, which im really proud of :D
do you think he probably thinks and realizes hes made a mistake and hurts? or do you think he probably doesnt care?
half an hour before he sent me that text we were on the phone and he said "bye bye, love you. love you, bye...." like he usually did, then text that.
probably guilt got the better of him i think.
i really was a wonderful fiance to him for so long though, i was really good. people use to say i was too good, but i use to argue i wasnt,lol, silly me.

[mami1323]

Yeah, that definitely is cowardly.  You know what, what's really left to say after all of that.  Maybe it's better to not talk to him just because it's not going to change anything.  He did a f-ed up thing to you and after being together so long it really should never of been done.  I think we just have to talk just for closure.  What's going to get him thinking more if you don't try to get a hold of him.  He probably expects you to be crying over him and calling him all the time.  Just don't, then he'll be the one thinking of why you haven't tried to call him.  Let him sweat it out.

[pinkroses]

yeah i like the anger, i get to curse and stuff,lol.
i still hate that hes put me through this though, i never thought he could be so heartless and nasty. a text message to be told by that he doesnt love you anymore and that hes cheated and now turning his phone off, to give me time to think, is so weird.

[mami1323]

You're going to go through so many emotions.  You're going to dream about and wake up angry or wake up sad.  It's soooo normal.  One day you will wake up and he won't even be a thought.  You will realize, hey I haven't thought about him in awhile.  You will soon find yourself completely over him and ready to get out there and have fun.  It's just going to take some time.  Hang in there and everytime you start missing him, think about the messed up things he has done to you and how he's hurt you.  You will quickly go from sad to angry.  Anger is a lot better than sad.  

[pinkroses]

today im feeling really really annoyed and angry at him. i really really hate him for what hes done, hes dirty.

[Cosmogal]

That is normal. In a few weeks you won't feel like that anymore. Go out and have fun. Meet new people and just go about your life. It shouldn't stop because he cheated on you. You need to have a life. He probably hopes that you are pining for him and missing him because that would be great for his ego. He is a jerk who broke your trust. He doesn't deserve another thought. You will heal faster if you go out and have fun. Thank God he did it now and not when you are married. He is nothing but pond scum for the terrible way he did you. I wish you all the best. I am truly sorry that your heart is breaking. Take care.