In Laws

[whatsnexttodo]

My husband visit his parents twice daily and doesn't even come home for lunch to be  with his family.  It did't bother me before but  now - it's gotten worst.  He says I'm mean to his mother which I bend over backwords to be nice to her.  His fathe and I have always gotten along but his mother.....  She just feeds her son with hateful and lies to him about me.  He spends more time with them then with his children and myself.  If I say anyhthing about his mother, he jumps on me, but he can say anything about mine and I don't say anything because I do not want to fight.  Yet, if I say anything to him about his mother, something so tiny he jumps on me.  I'm tired of dealing with this and d on't know what to do.

[Life360_Dave]

Putting one over the other is not going to change things and as  this is why it happened in the first place. A son is not going to compromise his mother and even to suggest such a thing to him would surly tear this apart. If you love your husband then work this out for his sake.
You mentioned he acted like this never happened so this shows he is open to calmness over bickering.
Fighting with the inlaws is so very common that its almost something that is natural. And you know that his mother maybe acting in concert with underlying resentment that another women took her boy away.

Much of this is unconscious reflex behavior and only those that percieve the underlying causes will have the ability to fix issues like this.

[RockRose]

whatsnext.  you're in a crisis here.  I don't know exactly what to tell you,  but I'm curious how your husband would respond to this thread.

He has checked out of your family, and has run to his family for refuge.

What is your best guess for why he prefers his family to your home?  What would he say is the reason?

I don't know what to do with a man who runs back home to his folk's house,  but I have a guess that you are rarely pleasant to be around.  (You have good reason to be angry).  But how often are you fun,  loving,  and show you admire him?  

When you say you can't say anything about your MIL without him blowing up - ANYTHING - you know that's not true.  If you said i hope she makes the gravy for Thanksgiving because her gravy is delicious,  he wouldn't blow up.  Which leaves me to think you never say anything  - at all - positive about her,  ever.  

You are about to have to fight for your marriage.  Your husband is 90% out the door,  and I suspect it's because your home is caustic.

[whatsnexttodo]

So true!  He stayed with his parents last night and I was home with the children.  He is coming home today when he finally called me and is acting like nothing ever happened!  He knows how his mom can be because he has told me how "crazy" she acts and that's his word among others :)  Regardless, I wish he would realize that WE are a family and I am his wife and he needs to  put me priority vs. his mother - who should be second.  Am I asking to much?

[specialmom]

Ugh, this is rough.  What I keep reading in what you are writing that bothers me is NOT what your mother in law is doing but in how your husband handles her and you both.  He is very ---  Well, OVER protective of her.  I'm a mother and I have sons.  I  am also a wife.  It is right for you and your husband to be a unit. Parents are secondary outside of your marital union.  If you feel your husband is leaving you too often to go there----  I think that is a valid concern if it is indeed excessive.  And that you can't have an adult, mature conversation about it without his 'blowing up' and getting defensive makes me very upset FOR you.  That is really unfortunate.  When we marry, most vows talk about 'cleaving' to your spouse and separating from your original family.  I hope when my kids are older that I am able to understand this myself and give their wife the proper respect and place in my son's life that she has.  Which is OVER me.  That is how it is supposed to work.  And it saddens me that the main person that can change it isn't seeing it that way----  your husband.  He's the key for changing anything.  And you indicate that he isn't wanting to at all and gets mad at you for suggesting it.  That ties your hands.  I'm very sorry.  

[Life360_Dave]

When 2 people get married its really to 6 which includes both parents. The same skills that are used with eachother need to be used to the parents as well. But there comes a day through the aging process that they wont be around any more. Make the best of the time you all have together. Bottom line is that its family.

[whatsnexttodo]

Before we got married all was fine.  After we got married (moved out of course) and had our children - that's when she started to control on how I am raising my children.  I don't talk to my husband about her because if I say anything....ANYTHING at all he blows up.  But he says stuff about my family and I d on't want to start an arguement with him so I say nothing.  The more I look at this and think about it - it's like his mother is jealous that we are have our OWN family and we do not need her.  She is type of that likes to be center of attention.  And the "I know about that....I know how to do that......I know.....etc."

[RockRose]

I can't tell what's going on here.

Your first post sounds like you complain about your MIL a lot (and I don't know I'd blame you) but you seem mystified why your husband things you're mean about her.

You realize you say mean things about her all the time.

What does your mother in law think you are doing wrong with your kids?

[whatsnexttodo]

They were good with me in high school - because I moved in with them for a while until my husband and I got married.  But now she is treating me like I don't know how to take care of my children.  I DO!  She didn't like it when her MIL did that but I k now her and she is a kind woman.  My MIL still says negative things about her - why?  I don't know.  But I do know that she likes me and so does the other part of the family.  They agree that I am a good, loving and caring mother to my children and family.  But, I don't know why all of a sudden my husband is starting to act like this!  I do n't want to divorce I want to make it work :'(

[specialmom]

Hm.  Well, he does seem very attached to his parents and mother and puts them first.  This is his responsibility to change.  If he doesn't, then you'll have to decide if you want to be with a man that puts others before you.  good luck