In a conundrum...

[Pineapple007]

Hello!  I am currently in a marriage, 4 yrs, been together 8 and friends for 10.  We have no children, working on school right now.  Unfortunately, I am starting to have doubts about our marriage.  I gave up my career dreams to stay together in the same city as my husband while he finished his masters program.  I went into another career, one that I like, think i will like when I graduate, but one that wasn't my dream.  My husband left last year to go to school in another state, to work on his phd, before I finished my schooling.  He lives 10 hours away.  I didn't want him to go, but said if he felt he needed to, so be it.  So, we tried it.  And now, I feel like everything is falling apart.  I am second guessing everything.  Why would he want to go in the first place?  Isn't a marriage hard enough, let alone going for 2-3 weeks at a time without seeing each other?  Who would want that; is that selfish?  Which is another point, I feel like we do everything he wants to do, and feel like I have lost myself in this marriage.  We all have goals.  I feel like I prioritized family before career and he did the opposite.  I find myself getting more resentful.  I want someone who wants to be with me, wants a family.  And yet another parameter, I met someone else, nothing is going on, we no longer talk because I am married and cannot have anything further; but, doesn't this in itself mean something?  Will it happen again?  Would it be better now to end this if it isn't going to work out than later with kids?  Any words of wisdom would help.  Thanks for listening.  I think I just needed to get that out.

[Jaybay]

You are very understandably lonely.  Both of you made the decision to essentially separate.  Not a good idea under the best of circumstances.  Before you throw away everything going after some other man, get yourself physically back together with your husband and TALK!  

You say YOU made the decision to choose family over career a long time ago, and now it isn't working out the way you imagined it would.  Was your husband involved in that initial decision, or was it all you?  It isn't all that surprising that he wants to pursue finishing his education by earning his PhD.  Did you not recognize his commitment to his education when you met him?  It doesn't mean he can't also be committed to you and your marriage.  The two are not mutually exclusive.  It's commendable that you supported his decision to pursue his PhD, but I don't understand why a married couple would choose to live apart - educational dreams notwithstanding.

You have another choice to make now before you consider pursuing another relationship.  You either move back in with your husband and try to get your marriage on track, or you stay where you are, pursue your own career and throw away your marriage.  There is no time limit on education.  That can happen at any time in life.  There can, however, be a time limit on a marriage when both parties aren't communicating and living separate lives.  You know your relationship far better than anyone on the internet.  Which way will you jump?  What about your husband?

[mayflowers]

You sound vulnerable b/c you don't know where your marriage stands right now.  Why didn't you go with him to wherever the school is?  Marriage is hard if you don't have the same goals, much less spend time together.  Talk to your husband and see if you two can agree on keeping the marriage going.  If you can't agree, or don't want to for whatever reason, then w/o children it will be easy to extract yourself from the marriage.  

I really want to say good for you that you didn't go further with that other guy.  That shows really good character.  It's better to find out where your marriage stands before moving on with someone else.  If you do end up alone, you really shouldn't get involved with anyone until you know what you want to do with your life.  Have some "me" time.  You can only do that while you're single b/c once you get in a relationship, it's all about "us".  

Good luck.