I know that prayer is the only way but is it worth fighting for a relationship when no matter what your companion is fighting you. This is someone who pursued the relationship, progressed the relationship, the first to mention marriage, and living together. What happened to make all of that disappear? Seems there is some anger and resentment and i don't know why but it is there He hasn't worked in ten months and when he was last working he was unhappy with his job, can he really feel that i am to blame for this mess????
You seem sweet and a bit broken at the moment. There is certainly more to the story I believe. But from what you have posted I would say you should not just resort to prayer alone. Have you gone to your pastor or an outside influence to seek counsel? Anytime a man in unemployed he loses his purpose. Self worth and ego are pretty much crushed. I hate to play the devils advocate but try to think like him. If he is blaming you, he is hurting and like a hurt dog will viceously attack anyone he loves or tries to help. And if you are like most woman, try to give him a boost or help in getting back to work, he is going to bite. He feels this to be an attack of his manly capability. Hun, have patience if you love him. that means stop the clock for him and do the best you can to speak only positively to him. He is down and it is easier for him to pull you down then for you to pick him up, not gonna lie. Yet be the strong woman your grandma would be proud of and give him love. Tell him nonchalantly, :I am so proud of you babe. You have always had the ability to take control and make it happen. I am not worried. You are so manly. I love you" This may sound ridiculous to you but I stress its importance. Of course you have to decide if you love him enough to "hang on" this bumpy ride. But something tells me you do. After all, you posted this with the most positive realization yet know to man... Prayer is needed because yes, prayer works. You are asking because you care. Hope this helps. Be strong and hang on!
Trinity, I'm a Christian and a devout believer in the power of prayer.
But I have to go with Annie on this one. God gave us suitcases and brains. I think you should use yours . . . ;D
It always breaks my heart when people post what huge lengths they are going to, to get pregnant, and then state that their relationship is an absolute disaster. This isn't God's way, God's plan for you. God doesn't want you stuck there, in a horrible relationship with a man who isn't really capable of being a husband and father (neither of which he is, IMHO due to God's different plan).
Jeremiah 29:11. For I know the plans I have for you . . .
God didn't give us brains, and wisdom, so that we could purposely ignore the truth and sit in a horrible situation praying all the while it will change. It won't change.
I can be very giving and loving but not a doormat, read below.
He is already a wonderful father to two boys. Devout Christian, i don't think i exactly said that my relationship was a complete disaster either. However, this is why i posted on this forum and not a pregnancy forum. I want a child because i want a child of my own to raise and educate. I may be twisted in my beliefs but believe me the two issues have nothing to do with each other. I am upset that he is always depressed and angry. He and i both attend church. It drives me when people assume that every man with a problem is a dead beat. When i truly need something and can't provide it for myself then he finds a way and yes it is legal. He actually bowls really well and makes money tthat way. In any case i have never seen a single bible verse that said turn your back on someone, not in my bible. Neither does that bible say kick them when they are down, i don't believe in that.
Yes i have spoken to some of the people at church and they advised me in the same manor you did actually. Now, for everyone keep in mind that i always put myself into the prayers that i have for him and our relationship because i know that i am not pregnant. THere are just certain times when we really have to separate ourselves. He has told me on one of our better days that he doesnt really blame me but he feels like he cannot provide properly and it makes him mad. I believe that. I personnally watch my someones relationship crumble because this man was out of work and she felt he wasn't doing enough to get a job. She help him get a job and left him anyway. I am not that woman. I have being praying for patience and strength to deal with the situation. I admire him as a man and love his boys. We went out on a date a few weeks ago right before his birthday and after he told me he appreciated everything and i like that. I work literally everyday so we do what we can even if that is just watching movies at home in our room.
People:: DON'T JUDGE WHAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND AND DONT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS!!
I want it to work that is why i am looking for advice that is helpful. I am actuallly moving but that is because we don't live by ourselves to begin with and that situation is also making him unhappy (living there). Unfortunately we needed to get on our feet and it was necessary to keep living there.
If you are not on here to offer advice and you are a person who feels better giving insults don't post on this question please. I am not into it at all. Some people can make things work and it doesnt if you run. I honestly want suggestions that are helpful to making my relationship BETTER
Oh jeez hun! I certainly hope you know I am not judging you! Wow! I am in no place to do that. That is a big responsibility that I would never want to be accountable for. After all I am only human too. I feel ya tho. I know what it is to be at the end of your rope in frustration. Please give time a chance. you just said you went on a date with him and he complimented you. That is awesome. I will not take one thing from that. For some ungodly reason, us silly humans tend to put a time frame on all our expectations in life. Seriously, why do we do this? I duno. Maybe because we are an age of "time". Instant meals, fast food, high speed internet, faster this and faster that. All around you will feel an invisible pressure to 'preform". well I am suggesting you live without this element and picture yourself one moment at a time. Don't give him a time frame on a job. I hate to say it but most of us American are too damn spoiled to appreciate the simple life and love we have until it is gone (preaching to the chior here) until we lose everything then look back and say, "if only I ........" or " I could have made that work then I ............" You fill in the blanks. If you knew without a shadow of a doubt that this man was the man you were meant to be with and your destiny was to make him the success he will one day become, would you live any different. Tell yourself, "I am going to be the woman who is there for him when he succeeds!"
I don't understand why you feel people are insulting and judging you? I read through the advice given to you and do not see any insults or judging - people are just trying to help based on the information you have provided.
From what you said in the first post of him not working for 10 months and then not liking the job before that.... is it possible he is depressed? You mention that he is resentful and angry..... sometimes when a guy is depressed it comes out as anger. It is promising that he told you recently that he appreciates all you do for him and his boys. Do you think there is the possibility he is depressed?
I understand the desire for a baby, I work in an IVF clinic and see it everyday :-)
But if your relationship is already under strain.... and from what you say it is.... getting pregnant and bringing a child into that situation will be very difficult for you, your partner any child that is born. Even the best and most solid relationship can face a bit of strain under the demands of a baby/toddler. I promise that I am not judging or insulting.... but I honestly do think that you need to get your relationship in a better position before trying to concieve.
In answer to your question about how to make your relationship better - I think you need to find out the cause of his resentment and anger. Once you do - wether its depression or something else - once you know you can work on that with him in an attempt to create a more harmonious relationship. If this does not happen and he remains angry and resentful and you remain unhappy in the relationship, it's okay to leave. It's not giving up or failing that person.... but you only live once and I don't belive God would want you to live your life unhappy.
Are any of you Married that suggest to leave because GOD is ok with that? GOD did not ordain divorce or separation. GOD meant for us to have one lifelong partner. "For Better/for worse, sickness and in health"
The only comment i felt was totally out of place was the one from RockRose. My other statements basically were made because i really am not seeking advice that is not helpful to IMPROVING a Relationship. Meaning how do you continue to support someone when you know they are continuously unhappy but also knowing that even when anger is misdirected it is not because of me that he became angry.
Personally i do feel he is depressed but he is a proud man and will not seek counsel for that issue, when he does talk to people often times it is to other people who are just as unhappy if not more and they don't always give sound advice.
If i choose to leave or not, I want to have a baby. I have wanted a baby since 18 and now I am 29 and it just doesn't look good to me on the baby front. I don't really see that as an issue. If i go to a donor bank does it make it more acceptable, in my opinion no. I have a full time job with benefits and I want my own baby. If you are a woman with children of your own then you don't understand fully at all. I don't want to have a child at 40 or not at all. The feeling i have for having a baby goes beyond anything. So if you all don't mind don't discuss my desire to have a baby. If you just really can't help me with supporting a man through a hard time and maintaining the relationship just don't comment about the other stuff. Nobody has a perfect relationship with another human, Jesus didn't even get to have perfect relationships with those he encountered i dont expect to be different but i do want to know what I can do to improve on myself to make it better and easier, not perfect.
Trinity, this will be my last post to you because I know you and I don't see things eye to eye, but read your first post.
Your question, that we all answered, was whether this relationship was worth fighting for. That was your question, and that's why you got the answers you did.
In the future, if you want advice on how to improve a relationship and you are not open to considering leaving the relationship, say it that way.
Say "I'm in a relationship that is very rocky and we fight all the time and I'm trying to get pregnant. Please tell me how to change his basic personality. I will not consider any thoughts about leaving him, or any thoughts about not getting pregnant. Please only give me advice on how to change another adult".
BTW, I don't understand your argument that your Christian God wants you to stay in a relationship with this man you aren't even married to. The Bible does address sex outside of marriage, and it sure doesn't say go for it!
I dont wont anyones oppinion about getting pregnant. God did not give adam a piece or paper to say this is your wife. Commitment --life commitment to someone is marriage, the paper is also of God because it is the law of the land. I am not confused but to build a relationship you have to be in it and work through hard times. I consider myself married committed to him, and it has been put before GOD and others (OUR FAMILY, his and mine). SO congratulations, people dont find all things socially acceptable so i use terms at will.
Why on earth would i say something about trying to get pregnant WHEN I DON'T WANT YOUR OPINION ABOUT ME GETTING PREGNANT. We don't fight all the time and i asked for Help and advice about the situation. I have any intentions of changing him. He is fighting happiness the desire to be happy.
I am a complex individual so I apologize to everyone who can't understand by the first two post that i am trying to work at a relationship, not destroy one.
THE ONLY THING I WANTED WAS A FEW GOOD PEOPLE TO GIVE SOME GOOD ADVICE, AS ALWAYS I DID FIND THAT AS WELL AS SOME THAT I PERSONALLY FELT WAS
I LOVE MY MAN BUT HE IS UNEMPLOYED, DEPRESSED AND IT COMES OUT IN ANGER. HE HAS NOT HIT ME AND WILL NOT, WE STILL DO THINGS TOGETHER THAT INCLUDES GOING ON DATES AND JUST HANGING OUT AROUND THE HOUSE OR BOWLING ALLEY WHEN I AM NOT WORKING. I WOULD APPRECIATE ANY ADVICE THAT IS HELPFUL TO A WOMAN WHO KNOWS THAT MEN HAVE PRIDE AND IT IS HARD FOR THEM TO ACCEPT HELP ESPECIALLY FROM THAT OTHER HALF. I think most relationships have good and bad days but he wants to be in a slump that I am not willing to live in and I believe it is my duty to uplift him but i am not always sure the best way to do that.
I am sorry that it did not say that the first time.
I am going to make one last statement.. Marriage is sacred, true. And it is under attack by so many these days. I really encourage you to not lose hope as so many of us have already. i will admit I am no Christian example unless you are talking about Mary Magdalena. But you hang on hun. God will see you through. He promised if you will believe. Only believe, All things are possible.
This one is for you hun! http://youtu.be/TlL0bVApE5M
You are having trouble understanding it because that is not what i said. I was upset and typiing so if that came out any way besides what I will outline below i do apologize.
I said "God did not give Adam a piece of paper to say that Eve as his wife."
It says that he understood that it was his wife and called her woMan because she came from man
I also stated that marriage Was a life commitment and also validated by the paper because it is a law of the Land <- something God says we should also follow.
It is just that there are so many people with that paper who don't honor it and people who are more in love and caring and living the better lives without it. It doesnt validate it more because i havn't seen that God requires a Marriage license to enter heaven. He knows me and my heart, my beliefs, and my soul and I try to make sure things are said in a respectable manor whether i agree or disagree however I get irritable when misunderstood and then the person no longer wants to listen when i try to reexplain based on knowing that they did not understand my initial statements. (NOT SURE WHY THAT IS SO LONG, SORRY)
Good luck with your relationship and plans, in any case. Perhaps your boyfriend's dad is the best one to talk to about your original problem, since he knows his son and how he reacts to attempts to help.
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