Infidelity Tell or Hide?

[Maxima5677]

This past week I made the largest mistake of my life.. I can't hardly breath i'm so guilty, ashamed, and regretful.

I received unprotected oral sex from a complete stranger in a moment of weakness. I was at the local porn store and was solicited by a couple to have oral performed an me while he watched. I can't believe I agreed! Typing this is just making me sick. It only lasted 30secs, until I and ran out the door as fast I could, vomited and returned home. I had instant feelings or remorse and guilt and knew that my fidelity will never be compromised again. I've only four partners (including this) that I've had any sexual contact with. How could I ever have put myself  and fiance into this position? I just hate myself...  I have nothing to complain about with my sex life with my fiance, and was actually there to find something to spice up my relationship with her.

The following day I started to have symptoms of an STD. (burning urethra, pain in testys) I was totally ignorant to all the STD's that I could have exposed myself to from unprotected oral. I just feel like a dirty *****. Went to the Dr. 48 hr after the encounter. Received antibiotics for chlamydia and gonorrhea. Got the from the results yesterday all normal. I'm terrified I have a an STD curable or not!

I've been in a monogamous relationship for 7 years, engaged to be married,  and we have a four year old son together. I wanted to tell her immediately of my stupid 30 second mistake, but  couldn't risk destroying our beautiful relationship and happy life.

There is zero risk that I've infected her with my unfaithful actions as we haven't had any sexual contact since I may have been infected.

Between dealing with STD exposure and my relationship I've got so many emotions flying around. I can't eat, sleep, hardly breath. I've actually hyperventilated and almost passed out. I'm so torn on what to do!!! I've called into several hotlines just for someone to talk too as I have no close friends to talk it out with. They have been somewhat helpful in calming me down but I still don't know what to do!

The longer I wait the worse I feel I didn't tell her. I've thought about avoiding sexual contact and waiting for the results but 3-6 weeks of feeling like this is a death sentence. I want to tell her and be honest but I don't want to offload my feelings of guilt and fear onto her without have conclusive test results.  Even then what if the test is a false negative? If I ever gave anything to my fiance I wouldn't be able to live with myself, and she surely wouldn't be able to forgive me.

I can only hope, beg, and pray that things will work out for best.  If she leaves me I can understand, I just won't be able to cope with myself over what my actions caused.

Can this be salvaged? What do I do? PLEASE HELP!!!

[elvy66]

I agree, the only reason you want to tell her is because you want to feel better about what you did. Sorry it doesn't work that way, you tell her and you will break her heart for ever and your relationship will never be the same.  

You need to be a grown up and live with your guilt and if you ever want to do it again, look at her and your children and remember the pain you could of cause them. However if you have a sexually transmitted disease then you have no choice you have to tell her and DO NOT SLEEP WITH HER is does not deserve your cheating disease.If you are clean then you spend the rest of your life making her feel like a princess...or you haven't learned anything.

[Maxima5677]

Tinkerbell your words are a harsh truth and I don't disagree with you.

I can handle destroying my life because of my actions, but not my families.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Personally, I still have a problem with calling this a "mistake"!!  It takes "premiditation" to unzip One's pants!!

That being said, - I "appreciate" Your guilt BUT You DESERVE to feel guilt, as You EARNED it!! - SO!! - You will NEVER, EVER receive sympathy or "forgiveness" from me!!

You KNEW!! what You were doing, and You CHOSE!! to Betray Your Family.

I  Do NOT Understand Why You First Have To DO Wrong BEFORE You Know What Is Wrong!!  That being said, I feel NO Sympathy OR Empathy for You - I Believe From The Bottom Of My Heart, that You ALWAYS Knew That It Was WRONG To CHEAT On Your FAMILY!! and You Instead CHEATED on Your Family ANYWAY!!  I  feel DEEPER compassion for Your Family than YOU do!! (and I don't even know them!!)   In the end, I hope They Never Have To Know That You Were A "Dog"!!  
Your Wife did not deserve this!!....and neither did Your Children!! !!  !! !!
Sorry, Fella, but my sympathy Does Not Lie With You.
My Hope Is That Your Wife And Your Children Will Never KnowThat You Betrayed ALL OF THEM!!

[Maxima5677]

2 1/2 weeks to go yet. I'm going to the Urologist on Monday. Hopefully there is some benign reason I have these symptoms. I posted on the Dr. forum and he believes that I'm suffering from genital focused anxiety. I'm skeptical but hopeful that all it is.  

I can't wait to put this behind me. I made a HUGE mistake and have learned from it. I just can't live with this for the rest of my life...

[Maxima5677]

Thank you again for your kind words and support! She knows I'm having issues with my genitals but doesn't suspect anything STD related. It's been a long three weeks... it will be a long three days to get the next round of test results.

I've been spending more time than I have in a long time in prayer and know that God has a plan for all of us, I just hope his is the same as mine.

[Nighthawk61]

Please honey, tell yourself, "I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH THIS AND STILL HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LIFE WITH THE TWO PEOPLE THAT MEAN THE MOST TO ME"  Over and over and over again.
Replace your negative thoughts, immediately with your mantra.

Have you told your wife you're having back problems, as an excuse for you holding off? It's probably the most believable excuse you could have, and in the mean time, make it all about her, but don't forget to show signs of having a bad back. If you have a heating pad, use it. If you can get a prescription, to make it look real, do (just don't take unneeded meds.)  Time will fly, and you'll get through this, and get on to better days. Best of luck with your urologist, and assume that the HPV or skin tags were there all along. You're in my thoughts and prayers. God Speed.

[Maxima5677]

The Dr. visit seem to put my mind at ease for the moment. He doesn't think I have HSV, possible HPV or just a skin tag. (Maybe it was there all along?)

I got retested for curable STI's again but it's still too early to test for non curable.

Going to a urologist to get more clarifications on my symptoms...

I have just been hoping and praying I can make it through this and still have a beautiful life with the two people that mean the most to me. Thanks for the support I really need all I can get.

[Maxima5677]

Going in more tests today. I've convinced myself I have HSV based on my symptoms. It's not looking good for my relationship....

I can't even fathom the amount of pain that I'm going to put my fiance and child through. I'm so disgusted and disappointed with myself that I did this. 7 years ruined by a 30sec mistake. :-(

[Maxima5677]

I think if I can certify that I'm healthy and pose no risk to her health I can put this behind me and that would be the best for both of us. It was my mistake and she shouldn't be punished for my faults. However, going 12 weeks with out sexual contact may be next to impossible.

If the test indicate that I do indeed have an STD I will have no choice but to tell her and go from there...

I started a related thread in the STD forum about my symptoms...

http://www.medhelp.org/posts/STDs/What-Do-I-Have/show/1899322

[bigmistake2222]

Do you plan on telling after the STD test?

[Maxima5677]

I haven't told her yet but it's really eating away at me. I'm terrified I have an STD. I don't know how to avoid her for 12 weeks to get conclusive results. It's just heartbreaking planning a wedding when I have this going on.

[MamacitaTP]

To be completely and totally honest, if you were my boyfriend and you are as loving and faithful as you seem to be, long reply short, I wouldn't want to know. A 30 second mistake shouldn't, but may, ruin a relationship.

If you ended up getting an incurable std of course you'd have to tell her though.

I wish you the best of luck though, you seem like a great guy who gave into temptation and would never ever do it again.

[Nighthawk61]

oops~~ I really could have done without the knowing........under certain circumstances which you fall under......

[specialmom]

I think you are beating yourself up here and maybe that is somehow elivating your stress.  I am thinking you will need to move on at some point from where you currently are.  Perhaps your own thread would be helpful as we are neglecting the original poster.  I hope that he is able to come and see comments made to him.

I personal believe for the original poster, that I would not tell.  Often it takes one's own internal issues with what they've done and shifts them onto someone else.  If your partner will never find out, then take it to your grave and make it up to your partner for the rest of your life by being the very best to them that you can.  

if a partner can find out, then you have to tell.  And once you start doing half truths and lies to protect yourself, all genuine concern for the partner are out the window and it becomes about saving one's own skin.  The selfless act of leaving someone in the dark for their own sake (why ruin their world if you can help it)----  is ruined by that and it becomes a selfish attempt to eliviate guilt and to be in as little trouble as possible.  good luck to the poster

[bigmistake2222]

Hey Tink,

I just dont know how to control this burden I agree I do deserve. Ive never crossed a line even remotely close to this before. I cant tell you the REGRET and DISGUST I have for what I did. This is so persistent in my every thought. Every action with her. I feel like I cant even take compliments for things that I actually do deserve. I feel so ashamed. It was the most unnecessary experience of my life. I cant forgive myself. I do not know how. Ive been so stuck for so long. Im lost for finding a way to move on. Ive learned the lessons to be learned, but I cant rid this stressed sick feeling from my chest. Its literally there the second I get until I go to bed. Ive lost my mind over this. How I could do something so deliberately wrong for something so stupid. I just feel like a FOOL. THE BIGGEST FOOL IN THE WORLD. Im scared. I dont understand how I got here. Its a really sad story. How does one put this behind them. Out of the picture. I dont have those resources. Is this as big a deal as Im making it?

[bigmistake2222]

Hey vance,

In my instance, i told a lie during a confession of what happened. It downplayed the extent of what happened significantly. I dont know what to do.  Ive never hid something from her. This is something so huge. I dont know how to say it even. I wanted to tell her. I would want to know. Thats why im so torn. I feel like this me more purpose, but its crippling me in every aspect of life. 2 therapists feel that i should come clean. But im so scared to. I will never change what I did. But she has a right to know all my business. This is so awful

[Vance2335]

Are you going to tell her because you want to hurt her? Are you going to tell her because you want to unburded yourself? I have heard this several times and people tell others of situations like this because they can't handle the guilt and want to unburded themselves with it. It is not going to do yourself or her any good. It is up to you

Would you really want to know that your GF had a moment of stupidity and that something she would never do again? Or would you like not to have ever known that she gave oral to a guy for 30 seconds? You probably would not and don't want to know that. Just as she will not want to know what you did.

Everyone makes mistakes, it happens. You know it is not something that is going to happen again. Keep seeing your therapist if that helps.

But again my opinion is that if you tell her then you are going to cause pain to her that she doesn't need.

[TTinKKerBBell]

You are SUPPOSED to feel guilt when You've done something wrong.  Man Up (I don't really like that term but it sure fits the situation) and carry Your guilt - You Deserve it, You Earned it.  I feel one who has "genuine" Integrity, Morals, Standards, Values would not do what You did - so quit trying to convince YourSelf that Your Morals, Standards, Values will not let You lie.

This is not "guilt" - this is Obsession.  Obsession, not guilt, is what You need to address with a therapist.  How 'bout You let Your therapist read all the posts here and Your first thread also.  Maybe in a one hour session Your therapist hasn't realized the depth of Your OBSESSION.
AND
If You are going to tell Your Partner after all this, I would also suggest You let Her read both threads.  If You think She "needs" to know what You did, well, I think She needs to realize Your OBSESSION 'cuz I think Your obsessive personality will obsess again....someday.....over something!

We are ALL repeating ourselves, over and over and over about this subject and we ALL remain where we started.

[bigmistake2222]

Thanks for your reply.

I want to let you know that when you do something like this...you just feel so low, so hurt, so shocked by your actions. I honestly scared myself, honest to god I was traumatized by myself. I didnt know I had that in me. Its sickening. I just feel like I want to do anything I can to make it right...and for some reason honesty seems like that answer. But your right, my emotions are at all time high. They are not proportional to the event. I would feel this way had I had sex with her. But this is the first time ive done this. I love her to death. I feel like I truly dont know how to proceed. Your right in that its inherently selfish to clear the conscience with unloading the rest and would cause alot of problems and irreparable damage. But there is an honesty component to this.  I truly wanted to be forthcoming. I made the decision to and went in to lay it ALL on the line...I started to let it go, and then retracted as I couldnt bring myself to say all the dirt as I saw the destruction in progress. I let her know a line was crossed. I had a 1 time incident. That remains a fact and as tink said, that I am capable of crossing a line.

Should I hide the fact I saw a psychologist several times? I feel guilty about that too. Should she know my mental collapse over this? Your responses really help put things in perspective and have been comforting to me. Thanks for all your help. I do know Ive learned alot from this. I just hope it can make me a more mature and better person, and a better spouse. That I can live a life of integrity while still burying this and all its aftermath

[nursegirl6572]

Would you be ok knowing only what you know in my case? Would it suffice? Say you put yourself in my girlfriends shoes. What would those extra details do for you? How do you think you would react to another confession that the contact wasnt stopped.

Yes, I would be okay with that.

I tell you EXACTLY what I would think if you came "clean" to me about those few little details after all this time...that it makes NO sense.  That your self loathing is out of context for what you hid.  So then, I would have MORE trust issues, I would think there was still MORE to the story and would probably insist you told me "the rest" (when there iasn't anymore to tell) and quite frankly, I would be mad as hell you ripped the wounds open that I had been trying so hard to heal all those months.

God love your GF.  I hope she's different than I am...because I wouldn't react in a way you'd be too pleased with.  Honest to God...clear your guilt conscience...but I think you're going to lose her...in the very least hurt her more than you had to...all over nobility and honesty?

Like I told you before...your posts are all about you and how YOU feel...that isn't a person worried about his GF.  That's a person who is worried about himself.  It's just so clear...it's a shame you can't see it.

You both need to do what you need to do.  Honesty is important...don't get me wrong...but you have to know when you're dealing with an honesty issue, and when you're dealing with a regretful unburdening situation.

Even if your intentions are good...there's something to be said for sparing her and carrying the burden for yourself.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I guess what You want Your Partner to know is that You are Capable of infidelity but, By Golly, You'll Never Lie To Her About It!!

Maybe You are right:  don't lie!!
and I am wrong:  protect Her from the rest of the story)

Maybe telling Her the entire story will make Her feel more secure with You

cuz She will know You are Good For The Truth. That No Matter What You Do At The Strip Club, No Matter What You Do At The Porn Shop - You Are Always Good For The Truth.  

Sarcasm Intended.

[bigmistake2222]

I agree guilt is a major driving source here to wanting to come clean. But its also about hiding the rest of your life. Looking into the mirror and know youve done everything you can to resolve this, that you deserve your wifes respect and trust. Guilt is crippling. It holds you back from being who you need to be. LIFE IS LONG and I have always been an honest person. This is the first time ive done something so shameful that Ive had to hide it. Its such a big betrayal and its so far from who I am that its so embarrassing to even begin what it feels like to have this attached to you forever. Ive never been unfaithful, I did so much damage to myself, my girlfriend and my relationship with this stupid useless act. My girlfriend knows there was an incident. That I crossed a line. But I crossed a much bigger line then I conveyed. Would you be ok knowing only what you know in my case? Would it suffice? Say you put yourself in my girlfriends shoes. What would those extra details do for you? How do you think you would react to another confession that the contact wasnt stopped. That i just failed to act. Failed to think. Failed to hold true to everything we are.

I think Maxima, honestly I would tell in your position. Ive learned that its a cowards way out to hide from something like this. There is no way of minimizing this, its a big big deal. Mouth to penis contact was made. I think it would be hard to hold on to this forever, and i know the fear and anxiety you must be feeling. Id like to think your fiance could forgive you for this. You have a son. Your engaged. She loves you enough to spend the rest of her life with you. One 1 minute mistake shouldnt define you or hold you back from that. This will change things for sure, but I bet it would only be a small shitstorm and you will get through. It will hurt you to look into her eye knowing what youve done. You will not be the same until you face it.

[nursegirl6572]

As a woman, I think I would want to know something happened...but if a few gory detailsd were spared, I'd be okay with that...I don't think it has a thing to do with all this dramatic honor stuff.  It's guilt, end of story.

It's fear, guilt and regret, and THOSE are not good reasons to rip a loved one's heart out, IMO.  If it WAS about honor, then maybe so...but I'm just not convinced.