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Insecure/Bf
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Insecure/Bf

Hello,
I stumbled across this website by googling a question I had and figured I'd post it.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years now. We have a good relationship.

I'm very insecure and an over thinker, meaning as much as I trust him I always think "but what if"... (due to past relationships)

Anyways,
I'm going on vacation this summer for 2-3 weeks and I'm not sure why I am so uneasy about leaving him for so long.

Is this normal?

He loves me and I know he is loyal. I need attention all the time, and I need to hear that he loves me and misses me although his actions show it.

I don't know why I feel this way, also this means I will be thinking about him during vacation and it might worry me/stress me out which will keep me from truly enjoying myself.

Help? Advice?
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hm.  Well, I don't know how old you are but . . . my husband was like this when I met him.  As we got closer, those girls either embraced me as a friend along with his guy friends or HE (my now husband) weeded them out.  Anyone that wasn't interested in us as a couple got the boot.  I never asked for that but it was the natural progression to our relationship.  

Have you been with him long enough to expect to be a welcome part of his group?  If not, I'd start asking about that.  HE sets the tone with his friends in terms of his expectations of your acceptance.  Girls stopped being flirty with my husband pretty quicky when they realized he was serious about me and he didn't act the same when they did it.  

But either way----  go on your vacation.  if you have to hold tightly onto a guy to keep him faithful---  he's not worth having.  My husband travels a good deal and sometimes with female colleagues.  I trust him completely.  You need to get to this point.  good luck
8 Comments Post a Comment
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13167_tn?1327197724
When you say "is this normal",   I'll answer that it isn't healthy.  

But you've been together for two years.  Is he one of those guys who kind of enjoys you being overly attached and worried?  If he is,  this relationship seems to be working.

If he's about at wits end with you being so insecure that's a different story but reading through your post it sounds like you two are probably a match - you're insecure,  and he is too so he kind of is comfortable with your attachment.
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973741_tn?1342346373
Hi there.  Well, I think you can worry about missing someone if gone for 2 to 3 weeks but fear that they will be doing something to derail the relationship in that time isn't good.  Is he the type you have to worry about?  Likes to go out a lot, has lots of single friends that are 'on the hunt', has female friends that seem interested in him but he doesn't cut them loose?  Or is this all just your  own fear within yourself?  

That is a big difference.  

Don't give into the insecurity.  What if??  Well, do you really want a guy that you kept faithful because you never left his side or do you want one that chooses to remain loyal to you even when you are out of his sight for 2 to 3 weeks?  

good luck hon
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Avatar_f_tn
Hi RockRose, thank you for replying!

He is a very independent kind of guy, he's always very calm, doesn't get jealous, always happy, in that sense he is opposite of me. I don't tell him about my insecurities and worries because I feel like that would be a turnoff.

Once he said to me, "I know you don't like when I go places alone" .... I guess he is able to tell that I am worried and nervous, although I don't know why I am when all his friends and other people who know him say how good of a guy he is and that even when his ex-gf cheated on him a lot, he was still faithful to her (as I was told).

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Avatar_f_tn
omg! that's exactly him - he has a very close group of friends since he was young. They don't let anyone else into their group but themselves, they love each other. (guys and a few girls). They go to a lot of birthdays and events together, he has a good amount of single friends, although a few just got engaged to their long term bfs/gfs.

His female friends are also friends with all of the guys, which means they will always be around him. They are very flirty with him, and he's a naturally nice and inviting guy, which makes me so nervous!

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973741_tn?1342346373
Hm.  Well, I don't know how old you are but . . . my husband was like this when I met him.  As we got closer, those girls either embraced me as a friend along with his guy friends or HE (my now husband) weeded them out.  Anyone that wasn't interested in us as a couple got the boot.  I never asked for that but it was the natural progression to our relationship.  

Have you been with him long enough to expect to be a welcome part of his group?  If not, I'd start asking about that.  HE sets the tone with his friends in terms of his expectations of your acceptance.  Girls stopped being flirty with my husband pretty quicky when they realized he was serious about me and he didn't act the same when they did it.  

But either way----  go on your vacation.  if you have to hold tightly onto a guy to keep him faithful---  he's not worth having.  My husband travels a good deal and sometimes with female colleagues.  I trust him completely.  You need to get to this point.  good luck
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Avatar_f_tn
I am 24 he is 26, I guess a lot of them are nice to me, I just don't like one of the girls.

They are a big group of good guy friends since very long ago, and a few girls.
He says that these girls are like guys to him and his friends, where they don't have to act classy infront of the guys and the guys don't have to be gentlemen to the girls. They talk with her like she is a guy, meaning they would talk dirty stuff with her. When I told him this bothers me, he said "well my friend (who has a gf of 5 years and is commited) tells her he wants to "****" her all the time but it's just a joke and it doesn't go past that." then he gave me the example that his father will say dirty comments to his mother's girlfriends, and that it doesn't mean anything, it really bothers me and I don't care if it's a joke I hate it so much.

They even said it in front of me several times, which means they don't hide it and that it is really how they talk to her.

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1268057_tn?1399131913
Dear, your last post REALLY sticks out.  I am not saying your boyfriend isn't a good guy, but I would really question what he sees as appropriate to say to others.  For example, he thinks it is ok for a group of girls and guys to carry on without class, i.e. using crass language with each other without blinking an eye.  

You do in this instance have a VALID reason to be concern.  If your boyfriend doesn't see anything wrong with one of the guys in this group saying that he wants to (you fill in the blank) another girl in the group and this is supposed to be just for giggles and fun I don't blame you for being concerned.  Wonder if that guy's girlfriend knows how he is talking  inappropriate to this girl in the group?  Sounds like this group has ABSOLUTELY no filter about what they say to each other.  And you are probably thinking if they don't have any boundaries about what they say to each other what is to say they wouldn't act upon what they are saying to each other?  

Then, he (your boyfriend) goes on to say his father does this to his mother's girlfriends.  This is another red flag as children repeat patterns, good and bad, from their parents.  

Lastly, this is the MOST concerning part.  He pretty much down played your concern about this when you told him.  He is pretty much telling you it's not a "big" deal and don't worry about it.  In truth, if I were you I would be worry about this.  You will either have to stay with him and accept that he is ok with this or walk if this really bothers you.  Definitely your call.  

Now, your turn.  This statement about yourself concerns me......"He loves me and I know he is loyal. I need attention all the time, and I need to hear that he loves me and misses me although his actions show it."........you needing  attention all the time is a bit concerning.  You shouldn't be expecting someone to give you attention all the time to validate the relationship or you.  If you are expecting this apparently there is something wrong going on internally with you and/or you feel your relationship is not on solid ground.  

Food for thought.


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Avatar_f_tn
Londres70 thank you so much for replying, this is very helpful.

Regarding the guy who says he wants to (****) the girl in the group. This girl is best friends with this guy's girlfriend, so they don't care, it's odd to me but they act like its fine. I guess since the girls are best friends they trust each other and see it as a joke, on the other hand I am not friends with this girl, so in my eyes it is a threat.

You are correct, this group has ABSOLUTELY no filter, that is how they always were to each other all their life.

I do think that if they don't have any boundaries about what they say to each other that they might act upon what they are saying to each other although I do not think this will ever actually happen.

I actually told him "Sometimes people joke, but one day one person might take a comment seriously and want to act upon it" and he said that it will never happen and it's strictly a joke and that it is just how they have always talked with her (and also the others.)

What I mean by the last comment: my ex boyfriend was VERY romantic and lovey dovey, my current boyfriend is less romantic, he takes me to every single event he goes too (which is a good thing because he includes me in everything) but he is not into showing affection in public. (he will give me a kiss or a hug in public but he won't go overboard). I guess I am kind of selfish, I want all his attention to myself, I always want him to pay attention to me when he's around his friends but he is a social butterfly and is all over the room, so I get less attention.

also, we both work and go to school full time so it is hard for us to see each other a lot during the week, although we try to get together when he cooks dinner during the week and we see each other on the weekend.


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