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Is Sex a Huge Issue?
I'm sure this question has been asked a million and one times but is sex such a huge issue in a relationship? I know it's definitely important and I know as a couple to feel the intimacy and closeness it's extremely important but when does it become such an issue where it feels more like an obligation than pleasure? The reason I ask this is because it's become a huge area of contemptment in my relationship. I have been feeling pressured to have sex. It isn't necessarily my fiance forcing himself on me but the frequency in times he wants to have sex, outnumbers my desire to want to have sex. I am exhausted, I get up to go to work 3 days a week and when I come home I cook dinner and take care of our 2 1/2 year old. On days I don't work, I'm much more inclined to want to be intimate and even on the nights where I know I don't have to go into work. So I would say, we have sex on an average of 3-4 times a week. Which I think is quite good given that we have such a young child. Well apparently he's dissatisfied with not only the frequency but also the fact that I am not in the mood to get decked out. Granted I have tried on many occassions to get sexified and dress up for him, but sometimes I'm really not feeling it. So he is frustrated because I don't go "all out" and he feels like it's become routine. We have sex on days I'm not working and only at night...blah blah blah. Well it's nearly impossible to have some crazy sex life when we live with my mother and she never sleeps and we share our room with our toddler who has to be the lightest sleeper on the planet. Of course it's not going to be some hot, torrent sex fest in our room. I'm not a morning person, and I would much rather sleep, but the times we've attempted to have sex in the morning, our son hears us and wakes up and so my fiance is left with a not so pleasant feeling. He gets annoyed and frustrated and moody. Who the heck would want to keep doing it in the morning if that is the normal outcome? So he thinks I have a problem because I'm always tired, which I am and I have agreed to go to a doctor to check out my thyroid because we believe it's underactive and that's why I'm always exhausted. I don't want to fight about this anymore. He says we used to have sex all the time and go to work tired and frankly, he's always in the mood. But life has changed, we have a child and can't exactly hump like rabbits anymore. I have severe insecurity when it comes to our sex life because he has cheated and I know it had a lot to do with us not having sex frequently. But I don't want it to become an issue anymore, I don't want to feel like I have to have sex no matter what. We've discussed this in therapy and the therapist is on my side but I can tell my fiance is unhappy. Our fights become terrible because of it, last night it was so ugly that I told him maybe I wasn't the right woman for him. Maybe he needs to find another ***** that he can **** so that he is satisfied because I don't seem to be enough. Than that opens the whole can of worms about how I can't let go of the past and so on and so forth. I've just reached my limit. We have only spoken this morning with back and forth text messages. Neither one is backing down and the last time I heard from him he calls me and yells at me and hangs up. So I didn't even get a word in edge wise. I can't believe after all this time our lack of communication is still there. I'm getting close to the end of my rope with this relationship. If it's not one thing it's another. Any suggestions?
Best Answer
been hearing this song for awhile on the radio, you've orlly heard it to its called i keep on loving you by reba mcentire. and i heard it this morning and you came to mind. if you get the chance listen to it on myspace or youtube. I think it will mean alot.
Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the Good Book says
You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going
That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you
Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of baby I'm gones and turnarounds
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
Say look at us now
That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you
Keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like thats
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like that
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you
Love takes the patience of Job
That's what my Mama always said
Faith is the belief in something more than what you know
That's what the Good Book says
You gotta play the cards you got
Who knows what fate is holding
At times you gotta go without knowing where you're going
That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you
Lord knows we've had our share of fights
Our sleepless nights, our ups and downs
We've had plenty and then some of baby I'm gones and turnarounds
Sometimes I swear it might be easier to throw in the towel
Someday we're gonna look back
Say look at us now
That's why I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you
Through the baby don't leave mes
And never will agains
And I promise tos
I keep on lovin' you
Keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like thats
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you
Through the I take it backs...I didn't mean it like that
I'd never hurt yous...Oh, I keep on lovin' you
I keep on lovin' you...I keep on lovin' you
Thank you ladies. Exactly, we were very young when we started our relationship. Mid 20's, so of course we are going to go through all types of different things. Cheating happened to have been our issue. If we could both go back in time and do things differently, with the knowledge we know now, perhaps that would never have happened. But you can't change the past. However, we are working on changing our future so I don't have any regrets with my decisions to stay in my relationship. I have moments of frustration and sometimes question whether or not I want to continue to work on this relationship but then I realize, I would have to work just as hard with anyone. And this man is the father of my child, so why not make it work with him?
I think if we have never walked the walk or talked the talk, we do not know, nor can we know what is or is not possible in someones life. I have friends who have cheated, gone thru the fire for it and have come out on the other side to have a closer marriage. Now personally I could or would not do it but that doesnt mean anything other than just that. I could or would not handle being cheated on. So I dont think it is fair to tell someone their significant other is cheating on them. Or that their relationship wont work. If both parties are into making it work, it will. Just my own opinion.
WHOA!! you better be glad your on a computer somewhere... cus you just walked into a room with hormonal pregnant women and just told 1 of our friends her husband is cheating on her! YOUR VERY BRAVE!
I think there's more to intimacy than having sex though, can feel close in other ways. Though if he wants it more often, I'd be saying the foreplay starts in the morning, with helping around the house and putting less pressure on you to get so much done. Though 3 to 4 times a week isn't some small number, I think a lot of couples would be happy with that. He has to put in more effort if he wants more sex...
Thanks Lisi. I never thought I was settling. I love him and believe in our family. We all deal with certain issues in our relationships and your right no one has a perfect one.
I think everyone deserves a second chance,many people can & do change especially if they are faced with the fact of losing the people that mean the most to them.None of us our perfect.To cabalerro all men are not the same as you and a women just knows if her man is cheating especially if it has happened before we just have that gut instinct.
As my mother used to say the first time is his fault & the next time is mine & I am sure mami1323 wouldnt be there if she didnt feel her husband loved her
As my mother used to say the first time is his fault & the next time is mine & I am sure mami1323 wouldnt be there if she didnt feel her husband loved her
Thank you specialmom. Where do you come off telling me my fiancé doesn't love me? As a person who knows nothing of me or about me you sure think you know so much. He is not cheating now and I do not feel I have to explain why I know that. You have no idea how much he loves me and our son. If you judge everyone based on one post than that's just ridiculous. You can keep your 2 cents. I don't need it or want it thank you very much.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. There is a lot of history here that some are aware of and some are not. I think it is a little unfair to say that someone's husband does not love them. That is a rather bold statement that does not quite fit into these circumstances of commenting on a snippet of someone's life.
hey guys, been away. you all had me laughing so hard my boss came out to see what was going on. Mami I am sorry things are up and down for you . I know the feeling. Like everyone said everyone is different. Joe and I have sex in one form or another at least 6 times a week. Now, I know that sounds insane. I do have a very high drive for a woman but there are times I do not want to but I look at it this way, there are times I do not want to work out but once I do I feel great. Same thing, there are times I do not want to have sex but once it starts Man!!! I will say though, my husband is understanding when I say no I am go tired. But I found the more I give in the more I enjoy it. But we do not have the living situation you do. I could not imagine having my mom around or one of my kids in the room.
I understand where your heart is and I can see that you both are trying. Thats great to know that yall are working at it.. and hopfully you will find that happy medium and both understand your true feelings about your relationship! I pray the best for yall!
Thanks Mommashelley1, it is hard. It really is! We are in therapy so that helps but I guess I look at it as there are no guarantees in life. Even if him and I split, the next man I'm with could do it to. So I work really hard and so does my fiance at getting to a healthy place. We share a son so he was the main reason why we both are trying. If he does it again, well then I would rather be alone and he would lose out on a good woman. That's really all I have.
Im so sorry to hear about your husbands infidelity.... In my opinion " interenet affairs" are just as bad as physical ones. And I can see where you would have the trust issue as well as MAMI!. I dont see how you ladies could go on not knowing if today is the day its going to happen again. Im so sorry!
I finally got a chance to go through and read everyone's responses. OMG I have been laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes!!
Mami, I'm glad things are looking up this week. Hopefully they will continue to do so and if not, I like the tire out method as well! LOL!!!!
Mami, I'm glad things are looking up this week. Hopefully they will continue to do so and if not, I like the tire out method as well! LOL!!!!
I can completely understand. Dh has had "internet affairs" on numerous occasions...basically where he just talks crap and asks for naked pics of girls he doesn't knows. But the end of last year I found out he was having a physical affair. Both he and the girl swear they never had sex but there was kissing and tuoching involved which to me is just as big of a betrayal. He's been doing good the last several months making sure I'm comfortable with things and knowing where he is/what he's doing, but there is still always that fear...the "if it happened once it can happen again" thing. While it IS my insecurity I feel that it's a result of his actions and that HE has to bust his @ss to help me overcome it. I have to work to find the ability to trust him again but he has to work ten times as hard to EARN that trust back. *I* am not the one who screwed up, HE is, so it only stands to reason that even though it takes hard work on BOTH parts, he should have to work a bit harder to mend things.
I agree- relationships are tough. Just when you think everything is going perrrrrrrrrfect, something unexpected happens.
It is hard to keep up; and it can be hard to differentiate feelings when one party is guilty of a past act that somehow is still lingering in your mind.
PassionFlower
It is hard to keep up; and it can be hard to differentiate feelings when one party is guilty of a past act that somehow is still lingering in your mind.
PassionFlower
He cheated 2 years ago and we've worked through the issues in counseling. I still bring it up because it's a fear of mine that if I don't have sex enough, he will get his needs fulfilled elsewhere. Not that he will actually do it but it's my insecurity. I did feel it was borderline abusive at the time. I think we were just having a bad week. We've come out of it though and have gotten back on track. He's really understood how I felt pressured and I understood how he is just very attracted to me and has a healthy sexual appetite. As long as he is considerate of me and my feelings and doesn't make me feel forced, than I will be open to wanting to give him more. Relationships are tough, so many ups and downs that I can't even keep track.
I would gladly settle for 1-2 nights/week...my wife is in chronic pain and sex is very uncomfortable for her...been 3 years for us..
Mami..the best to you...and if he has cheated on you I'd throw him out anyway..you don't deserve this type of borderline if not downright abuse.
Jim
Actually I have been working out. For about 2 or more months now and this week I've started strength training. So I've been getting back into shape, which definitely increases my confidence and gives me more energy. But it hasn't changed my sex drive. I am still tired, even more so now because I exhaust so much energy at the gym, then spend the day doing things with my son. By the time night rolls around, I'm ready to crash at like 9 pm. This week has been better. He's backed off of the sex issue and has understood how the pressure was a huge turnoff and I've wanted it more. It's about give and take.
I have to agree with ashelen. After my 2nd son was born I was more fit than I think I have ever been. I walked 2 miles a day 5-6 days a week. I felt good, wasn't tired, I had energy, but there were other factors involved. There was no emotional connection there. There was no subtle touching during the day or little things like a kiss on the cheek for no reason. It was like I was ignored all day until he wanted to "jump into it" then it was roll over and go to sleep. It felt mechanical, like a chore.
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Sex is one of those things that is different for every couple. For some people, it is how they SHOW love and how they FEEL loved. And for some it is just an animal need. People all have different levels of libido and it can change as we go through the years. There is no right or wrong answer to how much is enough. You are entitled to be tired and he is entitled to always be horny. It is coming together and addressing it so that both feel understood and heard. Resolutions come when both people are willing to work on it.
Maybe on nights you work, he could take care of Jay that evening and do some of the night time stuff--------- dishes, play with Jay, give him his bath, put him to bed while you relax for a bit. Then you might feel in the mood. Or if the problem is nights that you are off but going to work the next day--------- you could try that. And on nights that you say you are just too tired, he can cuddle with you instead. I always worry when sex becomes like a job for one partner in a relationship. It compounds the problem.
This is a good subject for therapy. Of course, I'm going to tell you that 3 to 4 times a week is pretty darn good--------- . I think if a couple has had some hard times recently, well---------- it is also difficult to feel sexy towards that person 24/7. And I often see the one who wants sex more does nothing to give the other party what they need that is not related to sex. So, I think some give and take should happen.
I don't know if that helped one bit and probably it didn't. But I know it is hard. Don't give up and just try to talk. Everyone gets the farthest with communicating when they speak from their heart. Handling his anger the way he did is not helpful to resolving the issue. He should know that too. Good luck------------