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Is divorce the answer?
This is my first time posting, primarily because I've never been in this situation I don't know what to do. I'm looking for input and different points of view.
I have been married for over 12 years and have three beautiful children with my wife. We were married at a young age, I just finished my degree she was in her first year. As soon as we were married we moved to FL and were trying to establish ourselves there, we had children within 3 years of our marriage and neither of us were established in career, my plans had fallen apart and I was working whatever I could and my wife was serving tables. She decided that she wanted to move back home with her parents and go to nursing school and offered me the chance to go with her. I did, I packed our entire house up and moved back to her parents by myself. I worked as she went through nursing school, eventually landing in retail management. We agreed after she finished school that I would go back to school to realign my goals and plan for the future. As soon as she finished school she was able to get a job and I continued to work. We both decided to relocate back to FL because we love the area. I transferred with my job and she quickly found a job in her career field.
Over the last couple years I have noticed our relationship has been changing. Shortly after nursing school started there were rumors flying around about her and one of her professors, I found evidence of at least an emotional affair with this professor and when confronted about it, she denied it until I showed the evidence, then she finally admitted that there had been some naughty texting and such but nothing physical. I went to confront the professor and she begged me not to because she could be expelled from school. We agreed that she was to change classes and not have any more contact with that professor. I forgave her and we moved on.
After coming back to FL we became distant, rumors started flying around about her and one of the men she works with. I started thinking back over our relationship and realized that these were not isolated incidences. Every job she has had, rumors have always come out about her being involved with someone she works with, to the point that I can not think of one job she has worked since we have been married that there havent been rumors. She denies all of them.
Withini the last year my wife has decided that we need to separate and have a little time and space in our relationship. She says that I'm not a provider and I do not take care of the family regardless of the fact that I work over 60 hours a week at my job to provide her and the kids with a decent life. She has asked me to move out for at least a year. After talking with my lawyer I am not voluntarily moving out for legal ramifications.
I guess the question I have is, it seems she has stepped out on my at least once in our relationship but she is always seeking the company of men and has continually pushed me away, not wanting to be with me. She says she loves me but not IN love with me. If there has been this constant looking for other men companionship, can we really ever rectify the relationship? Is divorce the right direction? I love her, but that doesn't compete with our history and can there actually be a healthy loving relationship?
I have been married for over 12 years and have three beautiful children with my wife. We were married at a young age, I just finished my degree she was in her first year. As soon as we were married we moved to FL and were trying to establish ourselves there, we had children within 3 years of our marriage and neither of us were established in career, my plans had fallen apart and I was working whatever I could and my wife was serving tables. She decided that she wanted to move back home with her parents and go to nursing school and offered me the chance to go with her. I did, I packed our entire house up and moved back to her parents by myself. I worked as she went through nursing school, eventually landing in retail management. We agreed after she finished school that I would go back to school to realign my goals and plan for the future. As soon as she finished school she was able to get a job and I continued to work. We both decided to relocate back to FL because we love the area. I transferred with my job and she quickly found a job in her career field.
Over the last couple years I have noticed our relationship has been changing. Shortly after nursing school started there were rumors flying around about her and one of her professors, I found evidence of at least an emotional affair with this professor and when confronted about it, she denied it until I showed the evidence, then she finally admitted that there had been some naughty texting and such but nothing physical. I went to confront the professor and she begged me not to because she could be expelled from school. We agreed that she was to change classes and not have any more contact with that professor. I forgave her and we moved on.
After coming back to FL we became distant, rumors started flying around about her and one of the men she works with. I started thinking back over our relationship and realized that these were not isolated incidences. Every job she has had, rumors have always come out about her being involved with someone she works with, to the point that I can not think of one job she has worked since we have been married that there havent been rumors. She denies all of them.
Withini the last year my wife has decided that we need to separate and have a little time and space in our relationship. She says that I'm not a provider and I do not take care of the family regardless of the fact that I work over 60 hours a week at my job to provide her and the kids with a decent life. She has asked me to move out for at least a year. After talking with my lawyer I am not voluntarily moving out for legal ramifications.
I guess the question I have is, it seems she has stepped out on my at least once in our relationship but she is always seeking the company of men and has continually pushed me away, not wanting to be with me. She says she loves me but not IN love with me. If there has been this constant looking for other men companionship, can we really ever rectify the relationship? Is divorce the right direction? I love her, but that doesn't compete with our history and can there actually be a healthy loving relationship?
Even if divorce seems to be the emotional answer, also be guided by your lawyer for the legal answer. If you leave, she could claim you abandoned the family. And right now, with you working 60 hours and helping to take care of the kids, you can prove that you did not. So don't give her that.
I agree with the others that she probably has made up her mind. But this does not mean you should roll over. Do what your lawyer advises and let her prove in court that you did not pull your weight.
I agree with the others that she probably has made up her mind. But this does not mean you should roll over. Do what your lawyer advises and let her prove in court that you did not pull your weight.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. I will first commend you for your well written post that certainly paints a picture for members to comment on. Thank you for that as it makes it easier too understand the situation to be so thorough.
Well, I have to tell you that I see your question to your reconciling difficult to answer though because she is not asking for that. She is, instead, asking for space. Are you asking if her comments that she wants a YEAR off would then end in her wanting to work on things?
I'm just not sure if that could/would happen. She is 'testing' the waters so to speak of being single. Sure, she may decide that she is not happy with that situation but could you get over that she needed to test the waters at all? That is a bitter pill to swallow, I'm sure.
Her past flirtations which it sounds like to me are inappropriate, obviously. Is it an affair to flirt, send a naughty text, etc? Well, sort of kind of but not really (isn't that professional?). Is she a woman that thrives on attention? Feels alive when she gets it? If so, it really can be semi innocent on her part. She may have no intention of ever acting on things but the situation of having a man wherever she is admiring her or interested feels really good to her. I had a coworker like this one time. Wow, pretty exhausting if you ask me. But she thrived on male attention. Like it almost made her feel 'alive'.
Now, I WILL tell you that I have dear friends who married as young as you and your wife and they went through a period at about the stage you are now in which both questioned the relationship. They'd never been with anyone else. They weren't sure anymore if it was a good match to be together. They went to counseling and worked through it. Many years later and they are still together.
However, what really worries me is that she has this need for outside male attention and is asking for space.
Definitely seek legal counsel for what you should do to protect yourself. Leaving can make things harder in the 'business' of separating/divorce so understand that this advice can be given at times. Do what is best for you.
I do have a question though. These 'rumors' --- who is talking about your wife? Where are you hearing rumors?
Well, I have to tell you that I see your question to your reconciling difficult to answer though because she is not asking for that. She is, instead, asking for space. Are you asking if her comments that she wants a YEAR off would then end in her wanting to work on things?
I'm just not sure if that could/would happen. She is 'testing' the waters so to speak of being single. Sure, she may decide that she is not happy with that situation but could you get over that she needed to test the waters at all? That is a bitter pill to swallow, I'm sure.
Her past flirtations which it sounds like to me are inappropriate, obviously. Is it an affair to flirt, send a naughty text, etc? Well, sort of kind of but not really (isn't that professional?). Is she a woman that thrives on attention? Feels alive when she gets it? If so, it really can be semi innocent on her part. She may have no intention of ever acting on things but the situation of having a man wherever she is admiring her or interested feels really good to her. I had a coworker like this one time. Wow, pretty exhausting if you ask me. But she thrived on male attention. Like it almost made her feel 'alive'.
Now, I WILL tell you that I have dear friends who married as young as you and your wife and they went through a period at about the stage you are now in which both questioned the relationship. They'd never been with anyone else. They weren't sure anymore if it was a good match to be together. They went to counseling and worked through it. Many years later and they are still together.
However, what really worries me is that she has this need for outside male attention and is asking for space.
Definitely seek legal counsel for what you should do to protect yourself. Leaving can make things harder in the 'business' of separating/divorce so understand that this advice can be given at times. Do what is best for you.
I do have a question though. These 'rumors' --- who is talking about your wife? Where are you hearing rumors?
Hi,
Well, you can always seek marriage counseling, to try to salvage what's left of your relationship ~ but that takes both of you willing to commit to therapy to save your marriage...
It sounds as though she has a plan all of her own, and the first step was separation, and then to ask you to move out. It's a wise idea that you are following your lawyers advice, as she is most likely doing the same w/ her own... In my opinion, the accusations she's made about you not providing for your family and not taking care of them, is another way for her to find fault with you and your marriage...
I agree with Life360, let her go live her life, and you can move on with yours...
Take Care
Well, you can always seek marriage counseling, to try to salvage what's left of your relationship ~ but that takes both of you willing to commit to therapy to save your marriage...
It sounds as though she has a plan all of her own, and the first step was separation, and then to ask you to move out. It's a wise idea that you are following your lawyers advice, as she is most likely doing the same w/ her own... In my opinion, the accusations she's made about you not providing for your family and not taking care of them, is another way for her to find fault with you and your marriage...
I agree with Life360, let her go live her life, and you can move on with yours...
Take Care
Hi, Once they say they love you but are not in love with you is a sign that they are a totally confused as this statement makes no sense. Only she knows the reason she been with you for 12 years and had the children but it would appear it was not anything to do for being in love with you but for her own gain.
What shes doing to you is the worst hurt a person can inflict on another human being so ask your self the question, do you really want to be with a person with such cruel intentions? Let her go live her life and hurt someone else as your not her whipping boy.
Work with your lawyer and get your rightful half.
What shes doing to you is the worst hurt a person can inflict on another human being so ask your self the question, do you really want to be with a person with such cruel intentions? Let her go live her life and hurt someone else as your not her whipping boy.
Work with your lawyer and get your rightful half.
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