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Is he gay?
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Is he gay?

MY best friends husband has been talking to gay males in an internet chat room. She has tracked the conversations, and none were explicit. He did state that he was 'curious', but had never ventured to the other side before. He had a conversation w/2 other males....about 10 minutes each.

In additon, he explained to his wife that he had a curiosity in looking at the stuff, but has never felt the desire to do anything in 'real life'.

DOES THIS MEAN HE IS GAY?
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16 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
i know this is the time of open sexuality and such, but if my dh was chatting online to gay men, id not be happy!! what is the difference if he is talking to a man or woman, he is married. maybe he has always had a curiousity but has been too afriad to test the waters. i think the first thing your friend needs to do is get him into therapy if he isnt sure why he is doing this.  i feel for your friend, it has to be difficult for her to question their marriage and the what ifs. again i go back to the fact that he is married, and chatting is chatting with a man or woman. i hope he can talk openly with her about his desires and what his interest in this is.
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158812_tn?1189759426
Hey perty, Thanks for responding.....she has addressed the issue of 'chatting' in general....She is just scared that he may have tendencies to explore this.  She has two young children, they just got married in the Catholic Church, just decided to send their oldest to Catholic school....ya da ya da ya da.  

He seems to have had an internet addiction even since their early years of dating.  Sometimes, people seem to 'explore' more online out of boredom, than they would normally....Do you think this could be just an internet addiction?  Or do straight guys actually get bored, and look at this stuff?????

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158812_tn?1189759426
IN addition, he has disclosed to her in recent past, within the year, that he was somewhat 'attacked' by two older boys when he was around 10 years old.
He only said that they pulled down his pants while he was pinned against a wall.  He wouldn't disclose anything more.  He has explained his behaviour to be 'curious', as a result of this incident.  He is trying to understand why someone would be interested in doing an act like this.  Could this be true?

Are these all just excuses???  
He has an apparant history in looking a men online, mixed in w/women.

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Avatar_f_tn
i dont know if i am right or wrong but id do this. get rid of the computer for awhile. you wouldnt keep beer in the fridge of an alcoholic. this might very well be a reason he feels this way, experiences when we are young can have a lasting effect on us. he needs therapy of some sorts, and he needs it now. they want to save their marriage, and he wants to be rid of this "burden" of living in a way he im sure finds difficult. i think monkey is fairly open to men on men sex and i dont know if she would tell you to have them explore this or not. counseling is his best bet. he has a wife, and 2 small kids, and he has a long life ahead of him. sexual abuse from your past can be a difficult thing to overcome if you dont have the right professional to help you sort through it. they were men he was looking at and not children right? that would be a different issue all together.
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158812_tn?1189759426
Thank you.  Your right about the therapy, and I think she has demanded that of him, but this just really blew up the other night.   No on the children question, thank God.  

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Avatar_n_tn
It was probably  going to make her uncomfortable whether he was on-line cruising with men or with women. Some people appear to have problems with their partners engaging in this on-line stuff period.

I think most people have a natural curiosity about sexuality that is different from ours. Also, everybody is on a continuum sexually -  we are all not just 100%  this or 100% that. Sexuality can be very fluid.  Some of my favorite porn is either straight "lesbian" stuff with only women in it, or straight gay stuff with only men in it. Of course, the "lesbian" choices please my partner no end.  :p  But I can't explain why I like it - I just do. Who cares why?

I would also add that it's not your job to "figure out" your friend's husband. If she is even remotely concerned, she'll be talking to him about it and/or getting some outside help for their marriage.

If you were only interested in hearing from monkeyflower, why didn't you put it in your original title?! If you only want to hear from one person, come out and ask for it. Dissing the rest of us by insulting us with "where's monkeyflower" doesn't really earn you much mojo, IMO.  
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Avatar_n_tn
It might be judgmental to infer something based on superficial details.  There are a lot of curious blokes out there trying to decipher what is on the other side of the fence but that does not mean they have to be one if only to understand one. There are a lot of possibilities why he converses with gay men.  Like you, maybe he also has a friend who's having dilemma regarding sexuality and that he's just trying to help, or he is on a research with regard to homosexuals: how they converse, flirt, hook up etc. and he's just trying to get some actual facts.

Honestly, you cannot really tell if he's gay or not based on what you have posted here.  As I believe, we are all straight until we are not or vice versa.

The best thing for your friend to do if she is really bothered and she knows the level of honesty of his dh is to confront him and ask him in the face the question, if he's bi or not.

If she cannot, then she can engage in a conversation with him and try to open up a topic that includes gay men or homosexuality and get his opinion.  He might also open up the things he's doing in the internet and the reason why he's doing it. Right?

Or she can just beat around the bushes until she finds something plausible to support her suspicion.  I guess that's the best time to truly confront the him.

Now I have a question:  Is this really your friend's or yours?  :)
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93532_tn?1349374050
I am going to agree with peek (big shocker) and echo some other sentiments on here, it is something that definitely needs further discussion between both partners. looking at gay porn in and of itself may not mean anything, but in conversations with several straight men over the years, gay porn is not on their playlist. Call it homophobia, some may see it the completely opposite way, but it seems that in general "straight" men are not interested in watching gay porn. It someohow threatens their perception of masculinity.  

Anyway, the conversations in gay chat rooms is concerning only because it can often lead to something more. In my mind, there are two levels of infidelity: emotional and physical. You can have both together or each separately. At the point, she needs to figure out where her own lines are and make them known. Simply conversing with someone doesn't mean they are being unfaithful, but if the conversation starts to pass into another realm, it opens things up for more.

I have a close childhood friend who by all rights was "straight" and somewhat homophobic when we were younger. As he got older, he started experimenting in the BDSM community and found that he liked some "alternate" acts. BUT, he does not want those acts to involve another man. He draws the line there. He has tried and realized that it was not for him. I respect the hell out of him for being honest enough with his own desires and exploring alternate sitruations.

Of course, that being said, I would flip out if I caught my husband in a gay chat room or looking at gay porn. We are very open and honest with one another and if I found that he was hiding it, I would be more hurt by that than the actions themselves. But there is no changing someones orientation. The world is full of men who married, had children, led typical "straight" lives, only to finally come out 10 years into the marriage.

Sometimes it takes someone that long to finally become comfortable with themselves and their sexuality. We have become a much more tolerant society, but some are still bombarded with hateful and disparaging comments about homosexuality. Finally coming to terms wtih who you are cannot be easy and coming out would have to be the hardest thing a person has to do.

Anyway, sorry to ramble. All the therapy in the world will not change his sexuality if he is gay. Demanding he continue to lead a straight lifestyle will only serve to make everyone unhappy. He needs to seek out therapy if for no other reason than to explore his thoughts and feelings on a deeper level.

If his actions go no further than looking at porn, so be it. But if he is unfaithful, either with a male or female, there are much more serious issues to address here.

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172023_tn?1334675884
I don't think it means he's gay, but after reading the literally hundreds of posts on the STD/HIV forum, many many men experiment with other men from time to time.  It often starts with chatting/cruising sexually explict sites.

I'm no prude, but I wouldn't be able to deal with my husband chatting with other men on a sexually oriented website.  I believe that would be a marriage stopper for me.  But that's me.  Other people might be ok with it.  

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158812_tn?1189759426
allee0481:  Thank you for your response.  She has had a few frank discussions w/him, and he is denying any claims to the possibility of having any gay tendencies.  She obviously is having a difficult time, and she specifically asked me, and sat next to me while I posted questions concerning her husband.  So, no, there is no chance that it is me....thank you though.

Barn babe:  As usual, your costic attitude deserves no response.  

Peek:  As usual, you always have a valid point that I can clearly understand and agree with.  I concur w/you completely, and thanks for your response as well.  The dr. on the sexuality forum answered the question very well, and I was quite impressed....although she wasn't thrilled to hear his answer.  
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Avatar_n_tn
Uh, it's "caustic."  

Spellchecker is your friend.
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Avatar_n_tn
hey sorry for my two cents above. haven't read some details here...
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Avatar_n_tn
Okay, I don't know if it's too late to post anything here...but honestly he very well may not be gay or interested in trying anything. I'm a gay man and just read an article online that some men look into it because it's taboo. Men are very sexual and look at porn and what not way more often than most women. And to look at something taboo gives them a rush. They may be curious as to why someone would find it appealing but that doesn't mean that he's planning on gettin' pinned by a man. Just like when men look at bondage porn or donkey shows or whatever they're called. It's tabbo...therefore they look. Plain and simple. I wouldn't worry about him talking to other gay males. You know...we can be friends with straight guys and have no intention of sleeping with them. It's allowed...I promise. :)
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Avatar_n_tn
It may be easy for you to say this as a gay man but you have no idea what it is like to be a women who finds her true love attracted to men. I have just found out my husband has profiles on gay web sites and has contacted the men. All you gay men must be honest with them self and stop using women to hide there gay life styles. All they are doing is hurting people and childern. Any man who is married and looking at men is a coward and a fake.

                                    Chillie
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Avatar_f_tn
I would be very wary of someone talking to gay men and not wanting to do something sexual.   To me it shows that he has an interest even if he hasn't acted on it yet.  Still, she doesn't really know if he hasn't acted on it.

I look at it like this:  I don't go to lesbian chat room because I know that is for lesbian's who want to meet other lesbians.  They have a hard enough time finding gay people to date!!!  Why would a straight person mess that up?  And I love gay people, I have cousins, 1 uncle and a bunch of friends (men and women) who are gay.  I see nothing wrong with being gay if that's what you really are.  

It's sad that someone would get married just to fit into a "society mold".  Plus, they will be hurting the people they marry which could hurt their children.  I've had 2 friends that experienced this and it was very hard to watch them deal with it.  Like Chillie says, gay men  should stick to gay men.  Don't hurt people unecessarily, there's enough hurt in this world as it is.  And for the record, straight guys don't go on gay websites just for friendship.
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Avatar_n_tn
Based on your initial question & in complete honesty.....i don't think that chatting with gay men would mean that HE is necessarily gay. Having said that, (& being married for 13 yrs.), it isn't a behaviour that is normal for a supposed 'straight' male. It sounds to me that he may be bi-curious, but in denial to his wife (and most importantly, himself.). He would have a great deal to lose if he disclosed his real feelings to her, no doubt, & is probably not ready to tackle this subject anyway. If i were personally placed in this scenario (& i am NOT a prude or old-fashioned in any way), i would be greatly disturbed. I know men who consider themselves to be 'metro-sexual' & in touch with their feminine side so to speak, & after talking with them about this situation...the concensus is that NO, this is not the norm for a straight, married male.

Before your friend wastes a decade of her life (should that be the case), she should NOT disregard his behaviour. She needs to let him know that she is confused & disturbed by his 'chat' preferences & that she needs him to attend some counselling sessions with her to at least attempt to mend some of her doubts. If he loves her, he will agree. You never know...in the process, he may even be able to learn more about himself & the reasons behind his interest in gay men. Again, this is an issue that SHOULD NOT be swept under the rug!
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