Is it a fake relationship and I dont know

hi, thank you for helping before I start.

I am 21 male and all my life considered my self a heterosexual person. I want to start by saying I have been in some really fulfilling relationships with girls. I have been told that I have anxiety problems but I want to get to the route of this now has Im not sure if Im gay or its denial or HOCD or what and its so draining and tiring I just want to get on with my life what ever the outcome of it is.

It all started after I broke up with my girlfriend of about 3 years. I have never had a problem with getting errections or any thing for girls. But I am now at university and untill this break up have only slept with 2 girls. So any way it comes to the time to sleep with this next girl and I have to use a condom and for some reason Im not sure if its nerves or what I dont get properly hard. I mean I still have sex but Iv not experienced it and I didnt even ejaculate I had to pretend. I was all happy until in my head it poped up, "what if your gay?" I have never thought this and now this pops up. So I go to the doctors to ask if this is a physical problem and ask her about if I could catch or develop being gay? I know that sounds very naive but I was panicing. She told me to relax and that I new I wasnt and to just stop worrying.

So any way these thoughts continue and as stated I am at uni so the done thing to do is "have sex with lots of random girls" but I would find my self drunk on the dance floor hooking up with girls I didnt think where hot but just for the sake of it and in my head going "just do it I know you dont want to but its the thing to do" these thoughts then made me think am I gay if I dont want to hook up all the time like some guys?

It was massively effecting me, but I spoke to my best mates saying how I was scared that I was gay and didnt know. Im not scared of the social stigma, I can handle my self my parents would be fine and my mates would still be there.

It then went from here and I had sex usually drunk with more girls some fun some not fun. Until I started seeing some one, as I trusted them more and got more comfortable the sex was good and my "hard" erections started coming back. I started to chill more, taking a hey **** you thoughts. I forgot to mention these thoughts are in my head constantly, your gay, your gay, you fancy him. I was like no!!! but why do they keep coming. Eventually I would shut my self in my room feeling so low over all these thoughts and check gay porn to see if I got hard. Then Id check straight porn get aroused then go back to gay porn to see if it stays or go down. I would do this for ages some times never getting hard over gay porn but feeling a weird nervous feeling around my genitals. Then Id get scared that I can subconsciously control my erections and that I just dont want to over men because I might be in denial?

Any way this stopped and I kind of got on top of the thoughts but reading online things I then thought what if not having them means your accepting being gay? I would then think when I got the thoughts that I am subconsciously having them to prove it was HOCD and not admit being gay? So tiring all of this.

Any way I met a girl on holiday we had sex and for the first time since a true love I have fallen in love. Sex is great and I feel confortable. Until these thoughts come back. "your lying to your self', 'you just want to be in love but secretly your not" I then have to check constantly.

I cant look at men or watch films with guys I consider good looking as I have to constantly check my penis to see if its aroused. Its so embarrassing some times.

I now wake up in the night checking my self to see if I have an erection, I will wake up aroused like most men do and check and as soon as I check my brain goes that was over a guy! I hate it. If Im gay I just wanna know so these thoughts can leave me alone. I then check gay porn and dont get aroused but then check straight porn get aroused (some times not has hard) but then my brain goes your just using that to cover up having looked at guys.

heres the thing, I wouldnt ever want to be intimate with a guy or share the things I have with them like I do with a girl but then if this is true why am I constantly checking.

Another thing you should know is when I was about 7 or 8 I used to lie on top of a boy that was a good childhood friend we would be naked and I can remember being aroused. I however was at an age where I thought I could get pregnant from doing this so was scared. so very young but Im thinking have I been gay all alone after this? I feel I was at an age that if my parents walked in I would know it wasn't right, but we never had intercourse or any thing I just think that we were young experimenting. But again this could be a sign that I didnt know. If it came to a thing like that now I wouldn't like it.

I was never questioning or thinking I was different as a kid and I was always enjoying sports and hanging out with my mates when I wasnt being bullied.

Any way Im sick of constantly checking to see if Im aroused over guys or staring at men for uncomfortable amounts of time to see if I get turned on. I hate this and I just want to know.

The other thing is I couldnt bare not having my girl friend now in my life. She is amazing and for the first time I feel properly in love, I hope this isnt just a lie to my self.

I get nervous and sad thinking of sex with men and happy and hard when I think about girls.

It takes up my whole day searching for info and testing on the net

I feel like I love her so much but am in so deep in denial I dont know?

Sorry for it being so long, this has eaten away at me and I just need help.

Thanks

[RockRose]

I think you have HOCD,  although I had to google that to figure out what you are talking about.  I was about to post I think you have an obsession similar to people who insist they have HIV,  or some other kind of STD,  or any other unwelcome untrue obtrusive thought.  

It would seem you treat that the way you treat any kind of OCD - sometimes with anxiety reducing drugs,  but with an accompanying therapy where you retrain your mind away from those unwelcome thoughts.

Best wishes.

[Londres70]

This sounds like HOCD and I would recommend getting professional help.  Counseling would provide you with the insight and the proper tools in regards to coping/dealing with this.  

[nursegirl6572]

Yep...I agree also, sounds like HOCD.  Gay people pretty much ALWAYS know their gay...it doesn't just pop into their head randomly one night.

You state you already have a history of anxiety, so that makes perfect sense.  You need to make an appt with a psychiatrist, who can thoroughly assess you, and tell you what's going on.  He will then discuss treatment options which may include meds and/or therapy.  Therapy will be vital, to help you learn how to disregard those kinds of thoughts.

While you haven't been officially diagnosed with OCD, I think you should visit our OCD community here.  Not only will you get some valuable insight and info, but if you browse the forum, you'll see how many other people suffer with the same exact thing.

Best of luck.

[AnnieBrooke]

I agree with the posters above that it seems like anxiety is the problem, not your sexual orientation.  I don't know anything about HOCD, but if the two posters above suggest it, you can bank on their suggestions, as their answers (unlike many who post in chat rooms) are invariably both sensible and informed.  In fact, I was going to say you're lucky your post caught their eye, as I would take their advice (along with about three others) over almost anyone on the site.

As RockRose says, there are sometimes posters on this site who go on and on (and on and on) about a sexual encounter they had (usually with a sex worker) and now they are terrified they have AIDS.  They have usually had tons of tests and enough time has elapsed for proper results and all, meaning, they don't have AIDS.  And people reassure them, and they act reassured, and then a month later, there the guy is posting again about the same encounter and his fears that he has AIDS.  When someone posts like this, it sounds like what is happening is that his anxiety about the act, or guilt about sex with a sex worker, or his general anxieties have basically gotten the better of him, and this has obsessively focused itself in his mind on AIDS; it certainly does not mean he has AIDS and it sometimes even almost seems like he is relieved to have the AIDS to brood about so he won't have to be distressed or stressed by other more general things in life.  You might be in this same boat except that the topic you've focused on is gayness rather than AIDS (or bridges, or drowning, or other things people can get a little phobic about).  Phobias and obsessions are treatable, especially when you are younger and have not had years for them to carve neural pathways in your brain so they are constantly triggered by random thoughts.  But you do need to find a good therapist who specializes in treating anxieties.  And take it from me, a former phobia sufferer (mine was fast driving on freeways), do it sooner rather than later.  Quality of life is worth pearls and gold, and it improves greatly when you can get general anxiety to go away.

One thing in your post that I wanted to comment on quickly is that just because the stereotype of young men and sex is that every young man wants it all the time and acts like a horn-dog every chance he gets, this does not mean every young man wants it all the time and acts like a horn-dog every chance he gets.  Some people really are more refined than that, are not prisoners of their hormones, and are not cads about their sexual partners.  They do like and want romance and do prefer quality relationships.  Don't mistake being this kind of guy for not being interested.  You would be right in the norm in any other era.  It's only in today's more hedonistic era of sexual license that guys get away with behaving like this, and frankly society is not improved by this kind of license.  Don't use this as part of your "proofs" when brooding about your sexual orientation, you might be more normal than you think even today.  It is emotionally rational, not problematic, to be uninspired by soulless coupling.  Sex really is not much fun if there is no heart in it.

Now, about your girlfriend -- presumably you haven't dumped the entire contents of your subliminal-worries box onto her, and although I am for transparency in relationships, I don't recommend you provide her the entire unedited version.  Right now, you might simply look to her like a nice guy but perhaps a bit anxious at times.  You can tell her that you're dealing with some obsessive thinking or anxieties, but reassure her that you love her and she is not part of the problem, and that will be enough for now.

Anyway, do get some counseling.  As I can attest from experience, ease from anxiety makes all the difference in life.  It is not like your life changes or the situations you face change, but just that the emotion rockets are not misfiring constantly and driving you crazy.

[AnnieBrooke]

Sorry, three posters.  One was posting when I was writing.  :)

[sarsxx]

I'm a girl and I suffer from depression! And then it went to randomly being paranoid if I'm a lesbian. I'm in a relationship and so in love, and I find it hard to deal with these thoughts. I tried tablets, it made me worse. And the waiting list is months. I just want to feel normal! I don't want to lose my man xxx