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Is it me? Or is my relationship wrong? how do you know?
Hi board,
Just a background, I have been with my partner for almost 3 years. We love each other dearly, and she is a wonderful woman with many wonderful qualities. However, I find myself being critical with her. I'm somwhat of a perfectionist, and tend to be critical of others and of myself. I find myself periodically doubting the relationship over things that I know are stupid (the way she eats, the way she chooses to do things...nothing like issues of cheating, alcohol, or trust). I have a hard time trusting in making the right decision, and I have read that people can be in relationships with WONDERFUL people and it may not be right!? I know that I can be hard on people, and also myself...but how do I know if I'm to blame for the questions raised about my relationship, or if there really are issues of compatibility at play? She's wonderful, beautiful, treats me right, loyal, trustworthy, and fun. But I pick at her eating habits, manners, and lack of expression when she's upset (she's pretty calm and collected when she expresses herself), she's really passive. Am I just nitpicking? How do I know if I'm truly with the right person, and if my perfectionism is ruining things? I don't want to ruin a good relationship, but I don't want to be in a relationship if it's genuinely not right for me? Any insight would be great because I'm going crazy over here.
Just a background, I have been with my partner for almost 3 years. We love each other dearly, and she is a wonderful woman with many wonderful qualities. However, I find myself being critical with her. I'm somwhat of a perfectionist, and tend to be critical of others and of myself. I find myself periodically doubting the relationship over things that I know are stupid (the way she eats, the way she chooses to do things...nothing like issues of cheating, alcohol, or trust). I have a hard time trusting in making the right decision, and I have read that people can be in relationships with WONDERFUL people and it may not be right!? I know that I can be hard on people, and also myself...but how do I know if I'm to blame for the questions raised about my relationship, or if there really are issues of compatibility at play? She's wonderful, beautiful, treats me right, loyal, trustworthy, and fun. But I pick at her eating habits, manners, and lack of expression when she's upset (she's pretty calm and collected when she expresses herself), she's really passive. Am I just nitpicking? How do I know if I'm truly with the right person, and if my perfectionism is ruining things? I don't want to ruin a good relationship, but I don't want to be in a relationship if it's genuinely not right for me? Any insight would be great because I'm going crazy over here.
COMMUNITY LEADER
It is difficult to know if it is just your mind playing tricks on you or if you desire to be slightly more into the woman you are with. That probably isn't the right wording but hopefully you understand what I mean.
No one can tell you which it is. I brought up about two people that are good people and they get along pretty well but one just doesn't go all the way of marrying the other . . . and then they break up and find someone they MUST have as their partner (and they marry them right away) because I've seen this happen many times.
So, I ask you---------------- other than the usual fear of not being able to find a new great person or missing her------ how do you feel at the prospect of not having this woman in your life? Would it be an opportunity to find someone you enjoyed in a different way than her? Would you be devastated?
I'd be devastated without my husband. That is the difference between just having little things bug you and having doubts about someone.
Well, a therapist would help you sort this out either way and I recommend it. good luck
No one can tell you which it is. I brought up about two people that are good people and they get along pretty well but one just doesn't go all the way of marrying the other . . . and then they break up and find someone they MUST have as their partner (and they marry them right away) because I've seen this happen many times.
So, I ask you---------------- other than the usual fear of not being able to find a new great person or missing her------ how do you feel at the prospect of not having this woman in your life? Would it be an opportunity to find someone you enjoyed in a different way than her? Would you be devastated?
I'd be devastated without my husband. That is the difference between just having little things bug you and having doubts about someone.
Well, a therapist would help you sort this out either way and I recommend it. good luck
A couple of things.... first off, your comparing other peoples relationship to yours. You do not live in their relationships, but you do yours. You have no real idea what their relationships are like behind closed doors. (Quite often, things are not as they seem.)
Secondly, there is nothing in the world that says any relationship will make it. Nothing, nowhere. There is human element to take into consideration, and in a relationship you can times that by two. Anything can happen over time. The only way of not becoming a marriage statistic is to not be married..... and then you become a statistic of another sort.
Marriage takes a lot of work, man..... A marriage takes a lot of attention. You need to take into account one more persons emotions and feelings before you do anything. If you don't care about the other persons emotions or feelings, you really do not need to consider marriage or stay in the marriage. And when it really comes down to it, regarding marriage.... it is not just up to you if you get married or divorced. There is that other person.
You also mentioned that this woman is most of what you want in a woman.... but then you also said that you don't want to start over and try to find what she encompasses in a woman.... I think that last little bit says it all.
Why don't you guys speak to a therapist together? Maybe you should go see one to work on the issues you are having within your self???
Secondly, there is nothing in the world that says any relationship will make it. Nothing, nowhere. There is human element to take into consideration, and in a relationship you can times that by two. Anything can happen over time. The only way of not becoming a marriage statistic is to not be married..... and then you become a statistic of another sort.
Marriage takes a lot of work, man..... A marriage takes a lot of attention. You need to take into account one more persons emotions and feelings before you do anything. If you don't care about the other persons emotions or feelings, you really do not need to consider marriage or stay in the marriage. And when it really comes down to it, regarding marriage.... it is not just up to you if you get married or divorced. There is that other person.
You also mentioned that this woman is most of what you want in a woman.... but then you also said that you don't want to start over and try to find what she encompasses in a woman.... I think that last little bit says it all.
Why don't you guys speak to a therapist together? Maybe you should go see one to work on the issues you are having within your self???
Keep in mind we are not professional therapists; we are simply giving you opinions. I am sure all this is stemming from your past as a child.
You have already stated that you see yourself as a "perfectionist." You admitted you are critical of yourself and others. You tend to make a big deal out of "stupid" or trivial things. Plus, you stated you don't trust yourself making the right decisions. In my opinion that calls for a professional therapist to help you sort this out as this will affect how you interact with people in general.
Sounds like you have commitment phobia too which too will require professional help. You are having all these irrational fears about "becoming a statistic" and fear that "down the road" or after some time your decision was wrong. NOBODY knows the future and things can happen that we don't want, however, that is called "life." Right now she is the one for you then so be it. How you all feel in the future, well, sorry, NOBODY knows that. DON'T LIVE YOUR LIFE BY "WHAT IFs." Sounds like she is a "keeper" and I would recommend not "running" her away with this "irrational" thinking of yours. It is YOUR problem for you to sort out.
I have made so many mistakes/bad decisions in my life; the number is countless. Do I beat myself up over it? No. I just continue to move along keeping in my what I have learned from my mistakes. I am not fearful of or making mistakes.
Keep in mind you are only human and so are others. There is no perfect "you" or "perfect" people.
You have already stated that you see yourself as a "perfectionist." You admitted you are critical of yourself and others. You tend to make a big deal out of "stupid" or trivial things. Plus, you stated you don't trust yourself making the right decisions. In my opinion that calls for a professional therapist to help you sort this out as this will affect how you interact with people in general.
Sounds like you have commitment phobia too which too will require professional help. You are having all these irrational fears about "becoming a statistic" and fear that "down the road" or after some time your decision was wrong. NOBODY knows the future and things can happen that we don't want, however, that is called "life." Right now she is the one for you then so be it. How you all feel in the future, well, sorry, NOBODY knows that. DON'T LIVE YOUR LIFE BY "WHAT IFs." Sounds like she is a "keeper" and I would recommend not "running" her away with this "irrational" thinking of yours. It is YOUR problem for you to sort out.
I have made so many mistakes/bad decisions in my life; the number is countless. Do I beat myself up over it? No. I just continue to move along keeping in my what I have learned from my mistakes. I am not fearful of or making mistakes.
Keep in mind you are only human and so are others. There is no perfect "you" or "perfect" people.
I think your are one of those persons that OVER think the situation... as one wise person told me YOU never know 100% and ITs ok to make a mistake that how we grow and learn... ITs ok to mist up in some things and i understand where are you coming from as i somehow im in the same boat, but the difference from you as that YOU LOVE HER and the working out in little things are no big deal. I really think you have a good girl here... DONT let your OVEr thinking stress out and think and think just go with the flow and dont think about it unless you have good reasons why... Go and be HAPPY because we dont know if we have a TOMORROW for sure... See people always worry about things too much and waste time, time that could be spend day dreming of that person, that special one that makes your day... no one is perfect we are humans...
Stop thinking too much and its OK to make a mistake, stop been so hard on your self and let your self free. stop putting so many rules on you... no one is stopping you from moving forward BUT YOUR self. like they say WE R OUR WORST enemy just stop fighting you and give in... be free and you will see how things will turn out..
BEst wishes to you...
Stop thinking too much and its OK to make a mistake, stop been so hard on your self and let your self free. stop putting so many rules on you... no one is stopping you from moving forward BUT YOUR self. like they say WE R OUR WORST enemy just stop fighting you and give in... be free and you will see how things will turn out..
BEst wishes to you...
All, so add, when I am with her...I don't think or worry about the above mentioned problem. I may, at times, have the criticisms...but I never doubt being with her or being in the relationship. It's always when I'm alone, or sitting around letting my mind wander that these questions pop in my head. When we are together, I don't think of those things/doubts.
See, this is where I find my confusion. Some say that I'm being over-critical, and some say that there is something wrong with the situation and we might not be cut-out for one another. How on earth do I know the difference between the two? She's a good woman, I can see that. I love her. I know that the things that I get worked up over are silly. I don't want to start over and try to find someone that encompasses what she has, because I feel that that would be impossible. To me, she has embodies a great deal of what I'm looking for in a woman...not everything, but as close to everything as a woman can get.
What worries me are the "great people" that are in "great relationships" that shouldn't be together? That seems like such a precarious situation. If two good people are in a relationship, and aren't right for one another....who in the world do you know that?? I don't want to be one of those people that gets married to what I feel is a wonderful person, and then find out down the road it shouldn't have happened. I just don't want to be a statistic, and I know nothing in this life is concrete/guaranteed. I'm just afraid of making a decision without knowing 100% confidently it's right and it's going to work. But, then again, marriage requires work and chosen commitment right?
Man, can you see where all of this stress comes from, and how I am just spinning in circles? I just don't want to be a victim of a wrong decision...when I feel the decision I'm making to be with her is the right one.
What worries me are the "great people" that are in "great relationships" that shouldn't be together? That seems like such a precarious situation. If two good people are in a relationship, and aren't right for one another....who in the world do you know that?? I don't want to be one of those people that gets married to what I feel is a wonderful person, and then find out down the road it shouldn't have happened. I just don't want to be a statistic, and I know nothing in this life is concrete/guaranteed. I'm just afraid of making a decision without knowing 100% confidently it's right and it's going to work. But, then again, marriage requires work and chosen commitment right?
Man, can you see where all of this stress comes from, and how I am just spinning in circles? I just don't want to be a victim of a wrong decision...when I feel the decision I'm making to be with her is the right one.
I kinda feel like there are lots of really neat people out there married to really neat people, who just are not meant to be together. My mother always told me that you can tell if it is the right person when you worry what you can do to make that person happy rather than worrying about what they can do to make you happy. Son, that is the bestest advice you will ever get! If yer irritated after three years, dont think about living that way for 50. Dont even try. Yer just not compatible. Dont have to be nothing wrong with either of you cept you are with someone elses future mate.
Ah, see? imperfection right there. "control fears" should've been "control freaks"....hope typos aren't my husband's secret pet peeve, hehe.
I used to be super critical of my husband too...we've been together 8 1/2 years now, and I learned one simple truth that helped me to cope and begin to overcome some of my nitpicky ways....
The truth is. YES it irritates me that my husband chews his nails. Sometimes I'm climbing the walls not to yell at him. But then I think...if I were in a relationship with another man...I'm sure HE would have a habit that would drive me up the wall too. perhaps whistling (which, incidentally, DOES drive me insane) or perhaps humming (another pet peeve). So what I really need is a deaf mute slave.
Uh-uh. Not happening. When I began to accept the fact that I was unrealistically expecting my partner to be perfectly and to be consciously aware of every single thing that he was doing with his body in order to not annoy me (after all, I'M perfectly aware of and in control of everything my body does at all times...wait, was I just tapping my foot? that's annoying. And I was just singing along to that song, too. Off-key, I might add. Wow, someone might find THAT irritating. Maybe I'm not so perfect...ahem!) well...you see..when I began to accept that my expectations of my partner's ability to control himself at every single second of every single day (and after 8 years that's a lot of seconds..) were unrealistic, I began to let go. Do I still get annoyed? sure. am I learning to get over it? you bet. it's that or let this relationship tank, something I'm completely unwilling to do.
I find that those of us who are nitpicky are often (as was previously mentioned) the children of control fears who demanded perfection, AND blissfully unaware of the habits that we have that might annoy other people. I feel so AWARE of myself, how could I possibly have any annoying habits? But, I do. and I'm sure you do too..and I'm sure your partner overlooks them.
Anyway...only you decide if this relationship is worth learning to let go of your obsessions...sounds like you think it is. It is hard, I can say from experience, but the grass AIN'T greener on the other side. Imagine if you left this woman and started a new relationship down the road with someone who (I don't know..) screams in her sleep, or farts constantly?
Phew...I'd take some odd eating habits and other little annoyances over that, myself ;-).
The truth is. YES it irritates me that my husband chews his nails. Sometimes I'm climbing the walls not to yell at him. But then I think...if I were in a relationship with another man...I'm sure HE would have a habit that would drive me up the wall too. perhaps whistling (which, incidentally, DOES drive me insane) or perhaps humming (another pet peeve). So what I really need is a deaf mute slave.
Uh-uh. Not happening. When I began to accept the fact that I was unrealistically expecting my partner to be perfectly and to be consciously aware of every single thing that he was doing with his body in order to not annoy me (after all, I'M perfectly aware of and in control of everything my body does at all times...wait, was I just tapping my foot? that's annoying. And I was just singing along to that song, too. Off-key, I might add. Wow, someone might find THAT irritating. Maybe I'm not so perfect...ahem!) well...you see..when I began to accept that my expectations of my partner's ability to control himself at every single second of every single day (and after 8 years that's a lot of seconds..) were unrealistic, I began to let go. Do I still get annoyed? sure. am I learning to get over it? you bet. it's that or let this relationship tank, something I'm completely unwilling to do.
I find that those of us who are nitpicky are often (as was previously mentioned) the children of control fears who demanded perfection, AND blissfully unaware of the habits that we have that might annoy other people. I feel so AWARE of myself, how could I possibly have any annoying habits? But, I do. and I'm sure you do too..and I'm sure your partner overlooks them.
Anyway...only you decide if this relationship is worth learning to let go of your obsessions...sounds like you think it is. It is hard, I can say from experience, but the grass AIN'T greener on the other side. Imagine if you left this woman and started a new relationship down the road with someone who (I don't know..) screams in her sleep, or farts constantly?
Phew...I'd take some odd eating habits and other little annoyances over that, myself ;-).
To add: this needs to be sorted out not only for your personal relationship but also for dealing with people in general.
Yes, that is the first step to admit there is an issue, so kuddos for that. The second is that you are willing to seek help.
When you find yourself wanting to criticize, ask yourself: Is this detrimental to our relationship? Will this affect our trust and respect for one another? Will this affect our intimacy? and so forth.
Please sort this out.
When you find yourself wanting to criticize, ask yourself: Is this detrimental to our relationship? Will this affect our trust and respect for one another? Will this affect our intimacy? and so forth.
Please sort this out.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi. Have known people in decent long term relationships with great people that just had a sense that things weren't right. They broke up and met partners they fell madly in love with and married right away.
I don't know if this is compatibility or not------- three years in, you do see all the little things you overlooked in the early phases of dating. And things you saw and were mild annoyances become more amplified as time went on and really start to get under your skin. I'm married for 11 years now and will tell you that some little things about my husband could drive me insane. I choose to look at the whole package----- and see those little things as just what they are "LITTLE" things. I try to love him for who he is and make him feel accepted that way. That is the hard thing about being critical of a partner---- you can actually make them doubt who they are when in reality, when we are in a relationship--- that is the place in the world in which we are to feel comfortable with ourselves. Yes, we have things to work on but how we eat doesn't fall into that category. So, when I turn things around and think about how I'd feel if he looked at the idiosyncrasies of who I am as a bad thing---- and it helps me keep in check.
A good question----- does it affect our relationship? So if he slurps his milk out of his cereal bowl at breakfast . . . well, why let that bother me?
But here is what is different between you and me. I never once doubted my relationship because of the little things. I think if we have doubts about someone------ whether we are nitpicking or not, we must take them seriously. You must decide if you two are just such different people that your inner voice is talking to you and coming out in the form of nitpicking little things or if you just have the internal problems others speak of. That is a possibility too and I agree that either way, a therapist would help you get some clarity.
Wishing you luck sorting it out. Peace.
I don't know if this is compatibility or not------- three years in, you do see all the little things you overlooked in the early phases of dating. And things you saw and were mild annoyances become more amplified as time went on and really start to get under your skin. I'm married for 11 years now and will tell you that some little things about my husband could drive me insane. I choose to look at the whole package----- and see those little things as just what they are "LITTLE" things. I try to love him for who he is and make him feel accepted that way. That is the hard thing about being critical of a partner---- you can actually make them doubt who they are when in reality, when we are in a relationship--- that is the place in the world in which we are to feel comfortable with ourselves. Yes, we have things to work on but how we eat doesn't fall into that category. So, when I turn things around and think about how I'd feel if he looked at the idiosyncrasies of who I am as a bad thing---- and it helps me keep in check.
A good question----- does it affect our relationship? So if he slurps his milk out of his cereal bowl at breakfast . . . well, why let that bother me?
But here is what is different between you and me. I never once doubted my relationship because of the little things. I think if we have doubts about someone------ whether we are nitpicking or not, we must take them seriously. You must decide if you two are just such different people that your inner voice is talking to you and coming out in the form of nitpicking little things or if you just have the internal problems others speak of. That is a possibility too and I agree that either way, a therapist would help you get some clarity.
Wishing you luck sorting it out. Peace.
Thank you for all of the responses from everyone. I did have a controlling parent that never gave me any space, made decisions for me, and was very critical of me. I never made the connection between my adult behaviors and my childhood.
I think the good thing that I can at least give myself credit for is that I can at least recognize that the things I comment on are ridiculous. I really don't think she's a bad person because of the little things I mentioned. So, that must be a good things right? That I can at least see it?
While I look for a therapist and start the process of that, what are some things I can do to overcome my tendencies to criticize? I feel terrible when I let those little things get to me, and I know my partner is patient but it gets to her too. What are some ways I can start to combat this before I wreck a really good thing? Thanks again!
I think the good thing that I can at least give myself credit for is that I can at least recognize that the things I comment on are ridiculous. I really don't think she's a bad person because of the little things I mentioned. So, that must be a good things right? That I can at least see it?
While I look for a therapist and start the process of that, what are some things I can do to overcome my tendencies to criticize? I feel terrible when I let those little things get to me, and I know my partner is patient but it gets to her too. What are some ways I can start to combat this before I wreck a really good thing? Thanks again!
Steeler, it does sound as if you are a bit nit-picky. I'd respectfully suggest that your being nit-picky revolves around some of your personal issues.
This is completely different, but my dad was a total perfectionist. There was no way in the world that I could meet his standards because even he could not reach his standards. My father had limited control over his childhood. His dad was quite a bit older when he was born, so there wasn't a whole bunch of playing catch, fishing, or things like that. My dad ended up over compensating.... trying to be better, not necessarily as a father, because he was rather poor at it... but as a man or human. Everything had to be just right... and when it wasn't, he'd let you know.
There is help out there for that. But with that said, I'd guess that it is possible that the two of you might not be right for each other. I also think there's a chance that you may be together for the rest of your lives. Bottom line is, all relationships take a lot of work and attention. Until we take care of our own personal problems, we cannot really address problems within our relationships.
This is completely different, but my dad was a total perfectionist. There was no way in the world that I could meet his standards because even he could not reach his standards. My father had limited control over his childhood. His dad was quite a bit older when he was born, so there wasn't a whole bunch of playing catch, fishing, or things like that. My dad ended up over compensating.... trying to be better, not necessarily as a father, because he was rather poor at it... but as a man or human. Everything had to be just right... and when it wasn't, he'd let you know.
There is help out there for that. But with that said, I'd guess that it is possible that the two of you might not be right for each other. I also think there's a chance that you may be together for the rest of your lives. Bottom line is, all relationships take a lot of work and attention. Until we take care of our own personal problems, we cannot really address problems within our relationships.
Yes, You ARE "nitpicking". You speak of Her good qualities and they ARE good. Your complaints are about trivial things - BUT this is enough to destroy a relationship. Who wants to be "nitpicked" about little, inconsequential things? - You're calling it "perfectionism" - I would call it Criticism and Nagging!! Most relationships wouldn't hold up under this in the long term and if You're looking for "perfection" You are NOT going to find it anyway!! Save YourSelf and Your Lady some grief and address this with a therapist.
"I find myself being critical of her." "I am somewhat of a perfectionist and tend to be critical of others and myself." "I find myself periodically doubting the relationship over things that I know are stupid." "I have a hard time trusting in making the right decision."
Hmmm, from the information that you have given about her, I would say this is a issue of yours and believe you are "nitpicking." You need to investigate the reason or reasons why you must "pick people apart" so to speak.
I find people that tend to be perfectionists are afraid of failure and believe they can't do anything right and lack confidence in themselves. Usually, this behavior is stemming from childhood. Perhaps you had a parent or parents who never told you were "good enough" or they were impossible people to please because of extremely high standards.
Would truly recommend therapy for this because I think you don't know the difference between "legitimate" problems in a relationship vs. she brushes her teeth using 10 strokes instead of 15.
Another issue could be you are a "committment phob." Have you had long term relationships in your past? Have you "pick apart" your partners in the past too?
Either or both situations would my opinion require investigation/therapy.
Hmmm, from the information that you have given about her, I would say this is a issue of yours and believe you are "nitpicking." You need to investigate the reason or reasons why you must "pick people apart" so to speak.
I find people that tend to be perfectionists are afraid of failure and believe they can't do anything right and lack confidence in themselves. Usually, this behavior is stemming from childhood. Perhaps you had a parent or parents who never told you were "good enough" or they were impossible people to please because of extremely high standards.
Would truly recommend therapy for this because I think you don't know the difference between "legitimate" problems in a relationship vs. she brushes her teeth using 10 strokes instead of 15.
Another issue could be you are a "committment phob." Have you had long term relationships in your past? Have you "pick apart" your partners in the past too?
Either or both situations would my opinion require investigation/therapy.
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