Is it me or is it him?

[KayD12]

My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for the past 6 years. We were 15 and 16 when we met. Over the years I have felt like he does not pay enough attention to me, hence the break-ups. I always run, and I know talking to him is what everyone is going to say I should have done...And I did. I tried to explain to him that I need his attention, it's what makes me feel good about me and our relationship. Once upon a time he held me close and watched movies with me and made me feel like I was special to him. It used to be so hard to keep our hands to ourselves. Now, we have sex 3 times a month, if I'm lucky 4 times. He does not do anything to make me feel good. He does not call me beautiful or tell me that I mean the world to him. Now me....I love to make him feel like my entire world revolves around him. Because truly it does. Theres not once second in the day that I don't think about him. I tell him all the time that with out him I don't know what I would do. I know guy have a hard time telling their feelings. I have asked him to do so, and when he refused I said I'm sorry I even asked. I know your not mushy and gushy about things as I am....His response was "IM SORRY IM NOT GAY". Okay now, this is what I don't understand he is def not gay, I'm a female and he is with me......So I don't understand why he would think that's a reason to not open up to me. It's like he is hiding everything. I ask him if he loves me, if he knows that I'm the one, and if he plans to marry me someday. The answers are always yes. He tells me he loves me everyday. But it seems to be less, less kisses, less hugs. I'm feel neglected. And I'm starting to think it's me! I know my nagging him does not make it any easier, but if he could just tell me how he feels and try to work things out with me I would not nag so much. I don't ask him for anything ever, I need him but not for material things or big houses and nice fancy cars. Things like that never mattered to me. I just need to know that I mean as much to him as he does to me. I blame a lot on his childhood and his mother. She was never around for him. Matter of fact when I met him she was NEVER home. 3 weeks on end she'd be gone. Did not pay bills on time. Got to the point where I started working 40 hrs a week to feed us and take care of bills as their house. I have never heard her tell him that she loves him nor the other way around. He was deprived of affection as a child. So could this be the reason he feels like I don't need it from him....??????? It hurts me to know his mother was like this, and that's why I have always tried to make sure he knew that I loved him, I always look him right in the eye and gently touch his face so he knows that I'm there. I love him with all of my heart, young love usually does'nt last, but ours has been through wars & battles. And know that we are both 21 we are doing well...cept this one situation. I just don't know how to make him understand.... Any advice?

[Judy246]

Hi Kay, this is what I get from your post.  This started as a teenage (first love) relationship and he is not fullfilling  or satisfying your overall inner emotional need.

I immediately saw a problem with your self esteem or confidence, when you need his attention to feel good about yourself and your relationship, which means you have become co-dendent on him emotionally and this alone is not only debilitating to you, but can be self destructive to the relationship. I also notice he doesn't call you beautiful and that you mean the world to him, which means you are thinking of what he should be thinking and feeling correct?  You also stated, "There is not one second of the day that I don't think about him (Red flag!). You don't know what to do without him (Red flag!)

More concern here: " I ask him if he loves me", "if I'm the one", If he plans on marrying me"....Kay, he is with you, because he loves you and men are not as emotional and needy as we are and if you continue this, you are going to push him away! Back off and he will tell you that he loves you naturally, you know you are the one, because he choose you! He will ask you to marry him, when he is emotionally and finacially able to do so and if he feels the relationship is at a point to take it to a higher level.

You stated that your nagging is not making it any easier, it's going to change the dynamics of your relationship and he is going to back away!

Ok, now that I have finish reading your post. You are a wonderful, loving, caring girlfriend and your relationship has passed the test of time so far. What I do see is that you are emotionally needy to the point where you are going to be pushing him away. Whatever has happened with his mother in the past, does not mean that he has to live the rest of his life unemotional, if anything, he should find himself, his needs and what type of relationship is healthy for him.

I know that you don't want to hear this, but I'm going to tell you anyway, "Communication is the foundation of all relationships" it all depends on the approach. At the right time and without nagging (with all do respect and I don't want to offend you, but I will call it as I read it, ok), tell him that you are concern that he is  not paying as much attention to you as you want him to and that you are feeling neglected, is there anything that is on his mind or that he would like to discuss with you."

I don't think he wants to hurt your feelings and tell him that you are being too needy.
You should be able to stand on your own to feet emotionally and not depend on a man to make you feel, beautiful, cared for, wanted, needed, etc. It's ok to have all those things in a relationship, but when you start becoming co dependent on your partner for reassurance and help your self esteem then you are the person who has a problem and need to figure out when did you become so needy and dependent on a man to make you feel good. I mean no disrespect nor offense in what I read and interpret, but if you start, lightening up and go about your normal world and have him compliment your life, that's great, but whey you become co-dependent on a man, your headed for self destruction personally and in the relationship.  Good luck. Judy

[imanaddict]

Judy said everything I was going to say! LOL!

[Judy246]

Hi...thanks!!!

[KayD12]

I totally understand what you are saying! I really do. It's not that I nag him all the time about it, I only start asking when I am really feeling distance between us. I do admit to being dependent on him emotionally.But I don't how it had come to it. I was always the ugly duckling as a child & teenager & never dated before him. So I'm kind of learning along the way. But I feel as if I have let so much of myself go to make sure he is happy. This relationship is the only real one I have been in.....Anyway I do appreciate your advice and your response and your honesty! I'm going to take a step back and let him do what he needs, and hopefully soon he will want to give me "More then words"




Thanks a TON!!!

[Judy246]

I viewed your picture and you are beautiful!!! You also wrote, "I was always the ugly duckling as a child & teenager, which shows that your childhood environment had everything to do with how you feel about yourself now (emotional needy and low self esteem), but there is always hope. Now that you realize what is wrong, you don't have to spend the rest of your life in your past. You have grown into a beautiful swan, and your boyfriend is with you, so he saw that too. Now, love is simple, appreciate him and go forward with yourself as an individual. He loves you and from now on, step back a little and just let him be himself without judgements and I promise you that he will see the change and will come around. Be patient with yourself, your b/f and relationship and everything will fall into place. Write everytime you feel insecure and let us know how you are coming along...hugs, Judy

[Judy246]

also, one more point, instead of letting yourself go for the relationship and him, find the inner and beauty within you. It's there, you just have to start focusing on you and he will also take notice. Let him be his individual person and personality and you find yours and be yourself, develope copeing skills and look at the world and your relationship with a different perception that is not dependency on one person. Depend on only yourself, because God bless him, but if anything should ever happened, you will draw strenght within to stand alone and on your own two feet ok....Judy

[jo929]

you have been together 6 years, and if he has not married you by now it looks like that he nevr will  luck  jo

[jojo24]

I agree with Judy on some points, like I feel like you have some self-esteem issues and that you are relying on him to make you happy.  I have a few questions though. You are a wonderful girlfriend, first and foremost for saying those things and paying bills when you did not have to do that.  That is very commendable.  However, since he doesn't tell you he loves you or show affection, what does he do to make you happy?  What I mean is, does he go out of his way to make sure that you are happy?  Men may not always say the right things, but they show their love for you in different ways, for example, flowers for no reason at all, making you a cd with all your favorite songs, etc (maybe not those specifics, but something from the heart is what I'm getting at).

You say that you remember watching movies and cuddling, but did you guys ever talk about anything real?  You guys have broken up a few times.  Why?  And is it possible that you fell in love with who he has potential to be, or are you sure that it's really who he is?  If there is one thing I know it's that you cannot change a person and you can't make them into someone you think they're capable of being.  I don't want to make you upset, and I'm trying to be objective here, but is it possible that he has love for you, but isn't in love with you?  Maybe you've invested more into the relationship than he has.  You guys have been together since you were kids and maybe you're more ready to take it to the next level and he simply isn't.  It can be hard for a guy to express that too.  I think you need to take some time to yourself and reflect on that.  It's obvious that you need that affection and comfort of knowing that your boyfriend thinks you're beautiful.  And remember, you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you and that means not settling for less than what you think you deserve.  Just food for thought.  Keep me posted.
Jojo

[KayD12]

The breakups were mostly b.c of him just not ever listening to me. When I try to talk to him and tell him how  I feel he disregards it....Like if we have a conversation about something and we don't finish it right away b.c of work or whatever he wont talk about it anymore after that & because he never did anything at all. Dropped out of school & just sat around, wouldnt get a job or anything. He does not go out of his way to make me happy. He does not do things like buy me flowers for no reason. I have'nt even gotten a birthday present since our first year being together. He has bought me things and he helps me out if I need it or ask for it but nothing to surprise me. Not to get back onto the his mother situation, but he really never had a real Christmas and she didnt really celebrate his birthday with him. His father has always been there for him but mostly just wanted to run his life rather then help him and teach him. I dont want to make him seem like an incredibly horrible boyfriend because he isnt, But There are things I wish could be more of. I've asked him if he loves me or is he in love with me? He says that he is in love with me. That he has never told anyone else that he loves them because he wont say it unless he means it. When I first met him he was on probation and doing drugs and partying all the time. I had already grown out of that stage so I told him that I will not be around the drugs and things that he was doing, he let them go...Then eventually I paid off the rest of his fines and he was off probation.


He works now, just recently got a job with a roofing company. He works long days and never knows when he will have a day off. When he does have a day off I think wow, maybe today we can spend some quality time together but his friends or family end up needing him or theres always something that has to be done We do live together and he says that we spend alot of time together. But when I do see him during our work weeks its when he picks me up from work, an hr later he is in bed. Seems like I get pushed to the side on his days off. He has never been great at having a "real" conversation. But we do talk about things.

[Me] As a child I was a tomboy, I hung out with mostly guys that were'nt always nice to me. But as I grew up I learned to be more of a girl and I loved myself. When I was thinking about what Jody said yesterday I remember being with him and not needing him to say those things. But I cant remember when I stopped loving myself. I couldnt remember when I started feeling like garbage all the time. But it just hit me, he went to louisianna to help clean up and fix some of the homes.....He was only suppose to be gone a few weeks and ended up being gone for like a month and a half. I never heard from him, when he did call it was a few minutes to talk and he had to go.At that time I was living at his mothers house with him. She was home with her drunk boyfriend, and they tried to take me out and do things....It was either they got me out or I was working 70hrs a week killing myself so I didnt think about why he wasnt calling. When he was there I was scared that something would happen, that he might have met someone. He promised he wouldnt drink or party but he came empty handed no money no nothing.
He broke his promise he did party with his uncle and other people that went there with him. I think thats when I started to lose myself. After that every 6 months I would take off,   b.c I just dont feel important anymore. I know I am not perfect & I know I have made my own mistakes in this relationship but I have always made sure he knew that I loved him. Ive tried to let go and move on but I always end up missing him so bad I get sick from it. When I am not with him I do feel confident. So why dont I when I am with him?  I could go on and on and on for days about this. Ive drove myself crazy trying to figure out what Is wrong but could never answer my own questions.


ANDDD! Last night when he stopped by my work to get something to eat I told him that I am really working on trying to be better and not so needy. I tried to explain to him that I can be emotionally co-Dependant on him, he giggled at me and he said he didnt understand. I cried, b.c all I really want is to know that I am not crazy! That its not just me. B.c honestly feeling like this makes me hate myself even more. I'm going to read all of this to him.. I think that it may help? I love him with all of my heart, never have I felt so much for one person. He has been my love since the moment I laid my eyes on him. And I tell him how important he is and that I appreciate him and show him that I care. Why cant he do the same?

My entire family is moving to California in march, when they asked me if I would like to go I talked to Cory about it. I understand that he does not want to leave his family so I told my mother that I was staying in Michigan with him. This...is how much he means to me. My mother is my best friend, shes been there for me my entire life, she is my Mother. I wont have anyone in Michigan but him after they leave, I dont want to be left alone feeling the way I do. I think to much.


I just woke up and I'm usually emotional when I wake up so if this seems like way weird I'm sorry. I cry while I'm typing....

I appreciate all of you for your help. I am starting to feel better and Im eager to find out more. THANK YOU SO MUCH! <3

[jojo24]

You are NOT crazy.  You want things from him that he is not willing to give.  Read what you wrote, over and over.  He didn't call when he was gone, he doesn't spend time with you, he's broken promises...  Is that what you want for yourself?  If you are not happy, you certainly deserve to be, and that is not happening with him.  I'm not saying he's a bad guy, but he just might not be the RIGHT guy for you.  Don't blame it on his past, or his mother, or anything like that, because I know people who have had that same type of childhood.  In fact, I dated a guy for 5 years who had the same story that your boyfriend has.  We had nothing in common and I couldn't sit there and talk to him like I could my friends.  I was always asking him if he loved me, and he said he did, but his actions told me something different.  I gave and gave and gave until I just couldn't give anymore and then one day I asked myself, "What am I getting out of this?"  I think you need to ask yourself that same question.  What is the benefit of staying in Michigan with him where you have no one, versus moving with your mom and possibly finding happiness?  You don't need someone who makes you hate yourself, you need someone who uplifts you.  Someone where you don't have to question whether or not they love you because you already know.  I'm sorry, I'm preaching a little bit, but I've been in your shoes.  Anyway, he's probably not going to change his ways.  He did a little bit of changing early on, but you can't (for lack of a better word) nag him into submission.  You can only do so much and if you keep trying to get him to show affection and tell you he loves you and stuff like that, you're going to run out of steam.  Again, I don't want to upset you, but it's not worth it.  It's not worth your emotions, it's not worth your sanity, it's not worth YOUR SELF WORTH.  You deserve to get surprised for your birthday or Christmas, or whatever.  You don't deserve to be brushed aside.  You need someone who can show you the same love and affection that you show them.   If those are the things you want out of life and I'm sure you do, you need to find someone who's willing to give you those things.  I don't think it's going to be him.  Just being honest.
Jojo

[Judy246]

I agree with jojo at some points and I wanted to respond to all of your questions, but I would probably write a book and take up the whole forum :), but I wrote from my heart. Kay, you are going to reach a point where you will realize that this is who he is and is not going to change. You really need to reconsider your family's invitation to make a new start with your life in California, but this is your choice. Do you want to spend the rest of your youth with someone who is not satisfying or meeting  your emotional needs or somone who will treat you with love, respect and show special attention to details (flower, dinner, walks, holding hands, quality time) that you deserve, yearn for and come naturally. I have to be honest with you, I think you have re-evaluate this dead end relationship and start taking care of you!

[KayD12]

Well, I know it's been a few days and I have not been on here due to work. But He must be noticing the changes in my behavior. I've been trying to back off and stop being so needy and everything. He took his brother and I out for dinner.[ I know his brother too right] But it's a step up. He seems to be trying, I really let loose everything I was feeling and told him straight out what I needed from him about a week ago thats when I stopped acting so needy. Some things have gotten better but I still don't think he gets it. So I've decided to open a savings account and save money for emergencies. If he is willing to try, then I will be willing to give him that chance one more time. If I am not feeling better and things don't change I will pack and go to cali with my family. If he does start to see the light, I will stay but continue to save money. Because even if I dont move and things end up working out between us it's still a good idea to have emergencies savings. I'll continue to update you on how things are going. Thank you so much...

[Judy246]

I am so,sooo very proud of you!!!!  and see, you had it in you all along. You just needed a little push of confidence. You have taken our advise to heart and put it into action and he noticed the change in you not being so needy and he is responding in a postive way. I told you men are turned off by a woman that is needy and wineing all the time with do you love me, how much...etc.

I love you attitude now that you also have a plan with for future savings.all you have to do is back off and let the guy be himself, if he loves you he will take not and as he did here...take you out!   You go out there and be the very best that you can be with or without him and never let anyone have that much control over you.  If you need a little advice or push...we (all the ladies) are here for ya....Judy

[KayD12]

Well Loves, I left him. He wasn't there when I need him the most. His little brother stayed up with me on my last night there and told me over and over that this will continue to break me if I stay, I prayed and cried myself to sleep, praying that I would never be in a relationship like that again!.So the next morning I packed my things and left.I checked my e mail a few weeks later. I had one from my best friend of 14 years older brother, Josh. He was my first crush! I read through the e mail and about had a heart attack when I read that he had like me from day one. He said he never mentioned anything b.c he was afraid that I would reject him or it would get inbetween his sister and I. He stays in wyoming right now but travels around for his job. Although he can not be here right now physically, we are communicating on the phone like no other! Never have I had a mn sit and listen to me and talk back...Its different but I am moving to Vegas with his sister and her husband. My family will be in cali in march. So I just wanted to update you all, God is really blessing me! Hope all is well with all of you! And thank you for all your help!

[jordanlyn]

Hi there!
I have my masters in relationship therapy and I agree with Judy! The more you nag, the more you are pushing him away. The thing that you need to understand is that he is being very consistant-- he is being consistantly himself, and that is something that you are not going to change. Everyone has needs in a relationship, and when those needs aren't met people become insecure, which is how you are feeling right now. Try to just lay low for the moment, roll with the punches. Don't ask him if he loves you, he will tell you on his own. And like Judy said- he is with you and has been for so long. If he didn't want to be in the relationship then he wouldn't be.
Let me know how things go.
Cheers,
Jordan.