Aa
Is it me?
I'm not quite sure where else to post this question as it has to do with family rather than marriage or something. It's kind of a long story, but here goes:
My brother and I were extremely close growing up. He was literally my best friend in the world. We went through a lot together and even our parents' divorce when we were in high school. When he went off to college, we drifted a little, but we still remained pretty close and told each other everything. Well, then he met his (now) wife and things changed a lot. He brought her home to meet us and basically gave me and my family rules and guidelines on how to behave in front of her, which totally mapped out how the relationship between my sister-in-law and my relationship is now. I can't cuss, talk about sex, talk about drinking, or anything else that might be inappropriate to talk about in an INTERVIEW or something. So needless to say, I'm not comfortable around her.
Anyway, since then, things have been different between my brother and me. It's different when it's just me and him because we talk about all the same things we used to talk about but when she's around we only talk about movies and really superficial things that only acquaintances talk about. It bothers me. After awhile, it became just me and my brother talking about these dumb things so I stopped calling and we only talk when he calls me. When we do talk I still tell him whatever is going on in my life, but he never tells me anything, including when he got into a CAR ACCIDENT (which I found out about almost a year later)!! When I asked him why he didn't tell me about it he told me that they like to keep things "private" between them. I understand not wanting to air any dirty laundry, but a car accident, really??? So anyway, last week, I called him and told him that I was upset with him that we never talk about anything anymore and it hurts my feelings because I miss him a lot. He told me that his wife was all the family he needed and told me that I should feel the same way about my husband. I definitely need my husband, but I need other people in my life too, e.g., my mom, my friends, and him, too. But my brother also gets mad because he feels that the relationship with our family and him is one-sided, because he's the only one who calls everyone (which they pretty much feel the same way I do, yet they accept it more). I told him it's because he shuts us out and that's why. He continues to say that it's because they're "private" people- something my brother has never been.
They had a baby that was born 7 weeks early two days after that conversation and when he called me to tell me, I told him I was on my way and he said "don't come." That hurt my feelings a lot. He said that he and his wife were doing it alone and NO ONE was coming. As hurt as I was, I accepted that and told him to call me when it was okay to come and visit. Well, I found out, on facebook, of all places, that HER cousin and her mom were in the delivery room and they were there at the hospital. That killed me. My brother and I live in the same state, where our other family members are scattered in different states, and I am his only sister and it broke my heart that I wasn't invited to celebrate the birth of his first child. It wasn't that I was expecting to be in the delivery room or anything, but I wanted to be there to support my brother, especially since the baby was premature. But he didn't want me there. I feel like I don't know him anymore, I feel like he doesn't even want me to be a part of his life anymore, and I don't know why. I know that his wife should always be first in his life, as my husband is with me, but can't I at least be next in line? After all, at one time, I WAS first. I've talked to him about it and he thinks I should just get over it, but how do I get over someone who has the same blood as me? Someone who acted as a surrogate father for me, and taught me almost everything I know? I miss him so much and I need him in my life but he doesn't need me and that hurts. How do I move on from this? Is there something wrong with me for feeling so hurt that my best friend no longer wants me? I'm so sad. Help.
My brother and I were extremely close growing up. He was literally my best friend in the world. We went through a lot together and even our parents' divorce when we were in high school. When he went off to college, we drifted a little, but we still remained pretty close and told each other everything. Well, then he met his (now) wife and things changed a lot. He brought her home to meet us and basically gave me and my family rules and guidelines on how to behave in front of her, which totally mapped out how the relationship between my sister-in-law and my relationship is now. I can't cuss, talk about sex, talk about drinking, or anything else that might be inappropriate to talk about in an INTERVIEW or something. So needless to say, I'm not comfortable around her.
Anyway, since then, things have been different between my brother and me. It's different when it's just me and him because we talk about all the same things we used to talk about but when she's around we only talk about movies and really superficial things that only acquaintances talk about. It bothers me. After awhile, it became just me and my brother talking about these dumb things so I stopped calling and we only talk when he calls me. When we do talk I still tell him whatever is going on in my life, but he never tells me anything, including when he got into a CAR ACCIDENT (which I found out about almost a year later)!! When I asked him why he didn't tell me about it he told me that they like to keep things "private" between them. I understand not wanting to air any dirty laundry, but a car accident, really??? So anyway, last week, I called him and told him that I was upset with him that we never talk about anything anymore and it hurts my feelings because I miss him a lot. He told me that his wife was all the family he needed and told me that I should feel the same way about my husband. I definitely need my husband, but I need other people in my life too, e.g., my mom, my friends, and him, too. But my brother also gets mad because he feels that the relationship with our family and him is one-sided, because he's the only one who calls everyone (which they pretty much feel the same way I do, yet they accept it more). I told him it's because he shuts us out and that's why. He continues to say that it's because they're "private" people- something my brother has never been.
They had a baby that was born 7 weeks early two days after that conversation and when he called me to tell me, I told him I was on my way and he said "don't come." That hurt my feelings a lot. He said that he and his wife were doing it alone and NO ONE was coming. As hurt as I was, I accepted that and told him to call me when it was okay to come and visit. Well, I found out, on facebook, of all places, that HER cousin and her mom were in the delivery room and they were there at the hospital. That killed me. My brother and I live in the same state, where our other family members are scattered in different states, and I am his only sister and it broke my heart that I wasn't invited to celebrate the birth of his first child. It wasn't that I was expecting to be in the delivery room or anything, but I wanted to be there to support my brother, especially since the baby was premature. But he didn't want me there. I feel like I don't know him anymore, I feel like he doesn't even want me to be a part of his life anymore, and I don't know why. I know that his wife should always be first in his life, as my husband is with me, but can't I at least be next in line? After all, at one time, I WAS first. I've talked to him about it and he thinks I should just get over it, but how do I get over someone who has the same blood as me? Someone who acted as a surrogate father for me, and taught me almost everything I know? I miss him so much and I need him in my life but he doesn't need me and that hurts. How do I move on from this? Is there something wrong with me for feeling so hurt that my best friend no longer wants me? I'm so sad. Help.
I would just be myself around them. If his wife has problem with it, tough. No one should be forced to change to be accepted.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, just as you want him to love you for you, you must love him for him. There are people that I love enough to make all sorts of changes for even if I don't think it is right. I love them that much. If you look at it like you love him and want him to be happy------ it will make his new life seem easier to swallow.
And I know you are mostly hurt and I'm sorry about that. Time is amazing in that it can change a lot of things. Right now you don't like the changes----------- but another change will probably happen again------------ so don't feel like it will be this way forever. He loves you too. You'll be close again. Maybe in a different way----- but you'll be close again. good luck
And I know you are mostly hurt and I'm sorry about that. Time is amazing in that it can change a lot of things. Right now you don't like the changes----------- but another change will probably happen again------------ so don't feel like it will be this way forever. He loves you too. You'll be close again. Maybe in a different way----- but you'll be close again. good luck
Thank you, and I'm really not mad, I'm just really hurt. I just hate what we've become to each other, especially since he is the only person in my life who has changed. But thank you, I see your point. I know I can't force him to be who he used to be, but I fear that I can't have a real relationship with him anymore because of that and it kills me inside.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hm.. Okay, you might have missed my point. You are certainly entitled to be however you wish and should be who you are. We all should. The point is----------- he's not playing. You will either have to adjust your way of thinking about this or have a minimal relationship with him. You can't control him and how he acts and treats you. You can only control your reaction to it. And getting angry and resentful won't do anything but put a bigger wedge between you.
It is absolutely true that once you marry that your spouse is your number 1. You still love your family you grew up in too. You love everyone else but he's dedicated and loyal to his wife and now his child. You'll have to deal with that or not be in his life.
What I do think you can do is tell him that he hurts your feelings (and isn't what this is really about?) when he makes you feel like you aren't good enough anymore or criticized and judged.
Like I said, I could go along a whole long vent about what a jerk he is being, what a snot his wife is and how terrible and unfair this is------------ but it wouldn't help you one bit. I'm trying to think of what could change the situation vs making it worse. If you confront him (especially now that he has a little one at home)------------- he's not going to react as you want him to and things will be far worse.
People change, things change. It is what happens as life goes on. But life does go on. I hope that you find a way to have peace over the new situation and that you can feel that closeness again with your brother in the boundaries of his new life. good luck
It is absolutely true that once you marry that your spouse is your number 1. You still love your family you grew up in too. You love everyone else but he's dedicated and loyal to his wife and now his child. You'll have to deal with that or not be in his life.
What I do think you can do is tell him that he hurts your feelings (and isn't what this is really about?) when he makes you feel like you aren't good enough anymore or criticized and judged.
Like I said, I could go along a whole long vent about what a jerk he is being, what a snot his wife is and how terrible and unfair this is------------ but it wouldn't help you one bit. I'm trying to think of what could change the situation vs making it worse. If you confront him (especially now that he has a little one at home)------------- he's not going to react as you want him to and things will be far worse.
People change, things change. It is what happens as life goes on. But life does go on. I hope that you find a way to have peace over the new situation and that you can feel that closeness again with your brother in the boundaries of his new life. good luck
Thank you very much for responding. The thing is, I have tried really hard to be what he wants me to be just to keep a relationship with him, but it's still not good enough to have a relationship with him. It does make me angry that he doesn't tell me anything about anything and even though I've stopped talking openly about whatever, using whatever language I choose with him and his wife, it's still not good enough. I don't censor myself around anyone, except maybe my mom because it's a respect thing, but I never had to censor myself around him. AND the baby was born 11 days ago, so it's not like I'm cussing around her. AND even though she has been in this world for 11 days, I still haven't been invited to see her. I totally understand that it's scary for them, I get that. I was just extremely hurt when my brother STRESSED to me that NO ONE was going to be there and like I said, he said they were doing it on their own. Plus, I found out via facebook that other people were there. I'm tired of being uncomfortable and having to not be myself in front of someone who taught me how to be myself!!! I think he is totally wrong for shutting me out. He may not need me now, but what happens when he does? I'm just so angry and I just don't understand why I have to change just because he's changed. No, none of this is fair at all. I do blame her because if it wasn't for her he wouldn't be like this. It's not like she was his first girlfriend or something and at least I was allowed to be myself around her. And it's not like all I do is talk about sex and get drunk and stuff, but I feel that if that type of conversation comes up it shouldn't be a big deal. It's not like we are acquaintances or something. WE'RE FAMILY. We're supposed to talk about anything and everything just like we used to without having to worry about offending someone. And I'll probably never get to love his daughter because I'm not good enough for her, for his wife, or even him.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm sorry. I'm sure your feelings are hurt. I know mine would be.
Your brother has created a life for himself that he must really want and he is happy. It started from the beginning when he brought her home. It is absolutely true that when we marry we are creating our family. That becomes your immediate family and you don't love or cut out your parents and siblings, but your spouse and children are number one on the list, in my opinion. I have the capacity to love many people and have lots of relationships in my life and would hope that I always will. I don't know what is going on with your brother in this regard. But he is making it clear for now that there are boundaries. Whether this is right or wrong, it matters not because it is the way it is for him.
I'd try to think of ways to still be close. I'd be a great aunt to his new child. I'd shower play time and presents on the child but most of all true love. That is always hard to deny and will warm both your brother and sister in law's heart. I'd also do the things your brother ask in terms of the cussing, drink and sex talk without being angry about it. I get that you are feeling like you can't be yourself but is it that important to hang onto these things? Maybe your brother doesn't have drinking as a big part of his life anymore or doesn't want it to be and finds talking about sex with his sister uncomfortable. People do change and mature in what they want to talk about. And once you have kids---------- all bets are off with cussing anyway. I have different people in my life with different boundaries and that is okay. I have plenty to talk about with them and feel like I'm just fine being a little more polite with some than others. So, I'd pick your battles and realize that something in all of that must have bothered your brother as well and don't just blame your sister in law.
The issue at the hospital--------- do you realize how terrifying for a mother it is to have a child born 7 weeks premature? You would want your mother there and someone you are close to. At that time, you say -------- what can I do? Not "I want to do this" with an expectation. That is life. Perhaps making a nice meal when they return from the hospital and bringing it over along with a congratulations letter to the mother about how excited you at having a new nephew/niece would be nice. Try to be supportive on their terms. I know that doesn't sound fair because you used to be close, but you will have no relationship with him if you become bitter and resentful towards his wife. He'll choose her and you'll be out. Whether that is right or wrong, that is the way it is. So make what you do have as positive as possible.
I don't like that he makes you feel judged and criticized as that is hurtful. He's made some requests such as no cussing, drink or sex talk which in my mind seems okay as I'm sure you have more to offer the world than that . . . but beyond that, you are who you are and I'm sure he loves you. I think that in a quiet moment you can tell him that you love him and hope he loves you as you are.
One last thing, this isn't going to change unless you change how you think about it. Their is a wall up on your side as well as you are pretty ticked off that this has gone like this. And as long as that wall is up on your side being resistant to changes your brother has made------- his wall will be up too. Remember, he's created the kind of life he wants so why resist it? Don't you want to accept him for who he has become as well? I realize that this answer is probably not what you wanted to hear but I try to think in terms of what will work to help a situation. And this is about it. Try to love their child, try to be accepting of changes your brother has made, and try to get over the fact that you do not care for his wife. Let him know that he makes you feel criticized during a quiet moment in a non confrontational way but so that he knows and can think about it. And try to move on in life and be happy with these people. Because otherwise, he'll just move on. I can tell you love him and wouldn't want that. good luck
Your brother has created a life for himself that he must really want and he is happy. It started from the beginning when he brought her home. It is absolutely true that when we marry we are creating our family. That becomes your immediate family and you don't love or cut out your parents and siblings, but your spouse and children are number one on the list, in my opinion. I have the capacity to love many people and have lots of relationships in my life and would hope that I always will. I don't know what is going on with your brother in this regard. But he is making it clear for now that there are boundaries. Whether this is right or wrong, it matters not because it is the way it is for him.
I'd try to think of ways to still be close. I'd be a great aunt to his new child. I'd shower play time and presents on the child but most of all true love. That is always hard to deny and will warm both your brother and sister in law's heart. I'd also do the things your brother ask in terms of the cussing, drink and sex talk without being angry about it. I get that you are feeling like you can't be yourself but is it that important to hang onto these things? Maybe your brother doesn't have drinking as a big part of his life anymore or doesn't want it to be and finds talking about sex with his sister uncomfortable. People do change and mature in what they want to talk about. And once you have kids---------- all bets are off with cussing anyway. I have different people in my life with different boundaries and that is okay. I have plenty to talk about with them and feel like I'm just fine being a little more polite with some than others. So, I'd pick your battles and realize that something in all of that must have bothered your brother as well and don't just blame your sister in law.
The issue at the hospital--------- do you realize how terrifying for a mother it is to have a child born 7 weeks premature? You would want your mother there and someone you are close to. At that time, you say -------- what can I do? Not "I want to do this" with an expectation. That is life. Perhaps making a nice meal when they return from the hospital and bringing it over along with a congratulations letter to the mother about how excited you at having a new nephew/niece would be nice. Try to be supportive on their terms. I know that doesn't sound fair because you used to be close, but you will have no relationship with him if you become bitter and resentful towards his wife. He'll choose her and you'll be out. Whether that is right or wrong, that is the way it is. So make what you do have as positive as possible.
I don't like that he makes you feel judged and criticized as that is hurtful. He's made some requests such as no cussing, drink or sex talk which in my mind seems okay as I'm sure you have more to offer the world than that . . . but beyond that, you are who you are and I'm sure he loves you. I think that in a quiet moment you can tell him that you love him and hope he loves you as you are.
One last thing, this isn't going to change unless you change how you think about it. Their is a wall up on your side as well as you are pretty ticked off that this has gone like this. And as long as that wall is up on your side being resistant to changes your brother has made------- his wall will be up too. Remember, he's created the kind of life he wants so why resist it? Don't you want to accept him for who he has become as well? I realize that this answer is probably not what you wanted to hear but I try to think in terms of what will work to help a situation. And this is about it. Try to love their child, try to be accepting of changes your brother has made, and try to get over the fact that you do not care for his wife. Let him know that he makes you feel criticized during a quiet moment in a non confrontational way but so that he knows and can think about it. And try to move on in life and be happy with these people. Because otherwise, he'll just move on. I can tell you love him and wouldn't want that. good luck
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