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Is it meant to be?
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Is it meant to be?

First things First! Please don't bash me for having an affair. Im  AM NOT asking any thoughts/advice on me cheating on my Husband!

Okay... so here is my confession & questions-

I have been Married to my husband for almost 3 years (03/17/09).We have 2 kids (I have one from previous realtionship, and one with him)

Unfortunaltely I met another Man a few months ago who is also Married and has two young kids as well. His wife is in the US Air Force. When we met, he and I were totally honest with eacother about our marriages and kids. At that time, he told me that his wife left him 6 months prior and he had no idea where she was. We spent some times together sexually and non-sexually and he told me that he has "feelings" for me and he wants to be the "one" who comes home to me and take care of me blah blah blah.... We talked EVERY single day until his Wife came back. He said he only let his Wife back for his kids, which I can understand in a way, because I'm pretty much in the same situation. I don't want to take my kids away from him or hurt them in any way. I know I'm wrong for having an affair, but it Feels emotional and sexual, like I want to be with this man sooo bad, I want to take care of his kids, etc. I have never in my life met a man like him. He is sweet, honest, caring, he Listens...But like I said, ever since he let his Wife come back home, he hasn't talked to me as much or seen me as much and every time I ask him to come see me or me go see him he basically makes excuses of we can't but at the same time tells me he wants me and "someday" I'll be his, the word LOVE even came into conversation... He says he doesnt hide anything from his Wife because their marriage is bad as well and neither of them would care. I'm coming to realize that how he feels about me either bull **** beacuse at the time we met she may have been Deployed (shes in the Air Force) and he was just lonely OR he is hiding me from her because the marriage isnt that bad, and he does want to be with me like he said.
I'm just torn up about this whole messed up sitaution that he and I caused and it's just sooo hard to just "let it go"
Emotions are a very strong feeling as Im sure you all know..
I'm looking for advice with the relationship between him and I. When these types of affairs happen, is it mostly just a sexual thing? Will he ever be with me "someday" ,"hopefully" like he says?
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19 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_f_tn
you want the truth he was using you, he knew that you were easy and soon your husband will also know just how easy because you will do it again  jo
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Avatar_f_tn
what you and him are doin is very wrong...its not fair on your husband or his wife....its obvious that you and him are not happy with the partner you have got so you should both either stop seing eachother or you finish your husband and him finishes his wife and then get together....its not fair on the other people in yourlives especially your innocent children
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1072361_tn?1256132055
I think jo929 is right to think he was using you..maybe he did'nt even tell u the whole story or the whole truth..be carefull..once you throw away a good one it's hard to get them back..
Think of the kids too..My parents just now got divorced..mom cheated on dad with another married man..he would'nt leave his wife..dad took her back..she found another man to cheat with..
I love my mother but it changed my veiw of her and all she preached throughout the years..divorce hurts the kids for any reason even if your two were still civil...
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156714_tn?1254715757
It sounds to me like you were convienient for him at the time while his wife was away and now that she is back they are trying to work things out.  I don't think he is going to leave his wife for you and I think he probably said all of those things and made plans with you because

1. He thought his wife left him and that his marriage was over
2. Since he thought his marriage was over he was trying to move on
3. Because he saw vulnerability in you and knew the right things to say to get you in bed, and
4. He's too much of a coward to tell you that it's not going to work out between you two.

You're young and seemingly naive and you probably got married prematurely.  I'm not judging you or anything, but you definitely need to reassess your marriage and stop waiting around for this guy.  He keeps making excuses because it is over between you two, but he just doesn't have the guts to say it.  He's entertaining the possiblility of you being together in the future, but it's simply words.  If it were true he would have ended his marriage already and you two would be living happliy ever after.  It's not going to happen.  Move on, and if you plan on staying with your husband, work on that.  If not, be honest and fair with him and let him go.
Jojo
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686059_tn?1293837427

No one wins in adultery. It is destructive, dysfunctional, lack of moral values, destructive to the insitution of marriage, Adultery (Mortal Sin) and poison to the very core of the family unit, but you know that.

Adultery is evil and dark it effects:

* Couples involved
* Children
* Jobs, company, lack of productivity, time off , etc.
* School,education, teachers who have to deal with lashing out behavior,
* Classmates, who might not have their friends as before or being bullied
* Families: Parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,...causes dysfunctional
  environment
* Neighbors: Witnessing fighting, abusive behavior, neglected kids, unattended kids
  neglected pets.
* Pets: they suffer stress from the fighting, neglect (food, walks, etc) depression
* House - get's neglected, dysfunctional
* Financially: Bills, Attorneys, car, gas, babysitters to watch while at attorneys, etc.,
  doctor visits, counselors, psychiatric
* Health - Stess causes all type of physical problems
* Spirituality - Turn away from God, church , moral values, adultery.

You do have opions: Marriage counseling to salvage what is left of your marriage or divorce and the grass is not ususally greener on the other side. I believe in Karma, what comes around goes around and you have a conscience and I promise you that one day it's going to catch up to you and when it does, remember the ones that you both hurt.

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686059_tn?1293837427
We have an "Infidelity" community that I invite you to visit..just click on my name "Judy246", go down to "Communities"...click under "Infidelity" and read what people who have experienced it think of women like you.
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1051479_tn?1256534145
You did not answer my question. But thanks anyway!
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686059_tn?1293837427
Answer is simple...get a divorce and then do what you want!
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686059_tn?1293837427
Oh,,,better yet, let your conscience guide you, but you know that don't you.
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Avatar_f_tn
he found someone who would put out while his wife was away, she came back so you were disposable.

and despite whether you want opinions on your affair or not...you're going to get them. you posted in a public forum so you'll get opinions.

and as usual...i feel bad for the kids in this situation. and the other spouses. especially the air force wife. nothing like going away, coming back and having your husband cheating on you. such a shame.
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902589_tn?1268152453
I'll just be blunt on what i think is going on between you two. Ok here's the facts as i see them:

1. His wife "disappeared"(i quoted that because I doubt he didn't know where she was, I firmly believe she was most likely deployed) and you met him during this time.

2. Now his wife is back and he is basically blowing you off.

3. Still talks to you and claims he wants to be with you and loves you.

Now he COULD actually have feelings for you, but this is the way i see it:

His wife was deployed and he was lonely and missing her and wasn't handling the separation very well and then he meets you. You are both lonely and you hit it off and he actually does like you as a person and you two start a relationship and start sleeping together. He thinks he could love you, and you actually do love him, BUT then his wife comes home. He probably starts to feel guilty about what he's started with you while his wife is away and is trying to do his best to ease his guilt by not seeing you anymore. BUT he does actually like you so he keeps in contact because he wants you there just encase he decides that his marriage isn't going to work out. I doubt his wife has any idea that he was with you while she was away. In fact i'd probably put money on that fact.

What it comes down to is this. IF he really wanted to be with you and IF he really loved you, HE WOULD BE WITH YOU! Nothing and NO ONE would stop him from being with you if he loved you. That leads me to believe he does NOT want you, he just wants you in the background just encase something happens between him and his wife. That is NOT love, that is setting you up to be a convenience, he is using you and playing on your emotions so that you will be there waiting. Probably helps his ego too.

Now that I gave some advise on that I'm sorry but i just have to say something about this. You are clearly NOT in love with your husband anymore, and clearly do not even want to work on that relationship either. WHY are you stringing your husband along? Staying in a marriage just for the sake of your children is NOT a good choice!  What will that teach your kids? Is that the kind of relationship you want them to look up to? Or is that the kind of relationship you want them to repeat in the future, a loveless marriage?
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Avatar_f_tn
you want an answer the answer is yes it is just plain simple lust plain ole sex that he wanted no he does not want you long term he just wanted sex its over you both used each other his wife was in the service, she is back what would he want with you you cant be trusted  jo
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686059_tn?1293837427
got to jump in here...after carefully re-evaluating your post. There is no relationship between you and this married man. He used you, while his wife was away and now doesn't know how to tell you it's over. He doesn't belong to you...it was fun, while she was gone, but she's back and he realized the mistake he made and is avoiding you and will eventually tell you it's over.
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684030_tn?1415615923
In response to your two questions, was it "mostly just a sexual thing?" It usually is
only that and nothing more, although it's possible to fall in love with one's sexual fling.
"Will he ever be with [you] someday?" Most likely not... otherwise, he'd be with you
right now. But, anything's possible.
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145992_tn?1341348674
I don't think I could say anything much more than what people said above.  Usually men don't fall in love with their mistresses.  The mistress is a convenient, sexual thing.  He's not an honest man or else he wouldn't of been cheating on his wife to begin with.  He loves his wife and kids or else he wouldn't be blowing you off.  He just tells you he's with her for just the kids to make you feel better so that just in case things don't work out with his wife again, he can come back and get more sex from you.  You seem to be the one who has developed feelings here and so now you are being the one who feels the pain but you are not thinking of the pain you are inevitably inflicting on your husband and children.  My feeling here is, this other man will come back if and only if his wife chooses not to be there anymore.  So I say, let this man go.  If you are not happy in your marriage, leave your husband and pursue other things.  Don't destroy your family any longer.  
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303824_tn?1294875001
I have to agree with everyone else. Usually relationships that start out this way (affairs) don't work out anyway. Both parties constantly question the other one because look at how they got into the relationship. Men are usually pretty simple and don't get their emotions all complicated like women do. When they want to be with someone, they will move heaven and earth to be with that person. It's the opposite with your situation. He hasn't done anything to prove to you that he wants to be with you. I would take that as face value, and move on. Either try to make things work with your husband or leave and start over. Just keep in mind that NO ONE is worth yours or your child's happiness and nothing good EVER comes out of adultery. You have a lot to lose and only you can figure out who/what is most important. Hopefully you will make the right decision...
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1072361_tn?1256132055
megochick101 gave the best response if you want your answer she gave it too you.. Good luck!!
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686059_tn?1293837427
Everyone gave meaningful responses and opinions with insight and should be taken into consideration. Judy
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1894410_tn?1364193655
Well said Judy, you should divorce before sleeping with anyone, all the pain you are going through is because what you are doing is wrong, you will break your husbands heart and your children's heart but I guess that doesn't matter. He is perfect, he has feelings for me, blah blah blah....My husband had an affair and his family will NEVER be the same, my children have lost all respect for him and they will never look at him as a good father or husband again. So if you can live with all that then that clearly shows you do not have a heart.....I feel sorry for the children they did not choose such selfish parents.
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