Is it my own fault?

[maystik]

I have been having a stressful few months. I have been with my boyfriend for a little under two years now, and I always thought we were happy. We've been through phases of course, we argue like any other couple does, but in general, i always consider myself lucky for having him. My stress issues have been more to do with family, employment and money problems, but recently i've been having doubts.

This is going to sound stupid, I FEEL stupid writing it, but I need advice. There are a few things that Im not happy with. My boyfriend started a new job about a month ago, and we were both over the moon cause the money is great and it was what he'd always wanted. He worked from 9 to 5.30 but is never home before 7, usually because of how long it takes to travel in london during rush hour. About a week into the job, he insisted on going out to buy a lot of very expensive clothes for work, even though he didnt technically have any money and wasnt going to start getting paid until alot later. Then, he started working saturdays, which made sense because working overtime meant he got paid more as well as made a good impression at work. Then one saturday he came home with scratches all down his back. Angry, red scratches. When i asked him what they were from he said from the gym. Then he started going out with his work lot, despite the fact that he really disliked the majority of people he worked with when he started, but it made sense to me to want to make an effort. then one day he cancelled plans that we'd made, after i was already out of the house and on my way to meet him, to go out with his work lot. he came home really late, very drunk and in a good mood despite the fact that i was furious with him. Then he stopped wanting sex with me. Then he started to fall asleep, or perhaps its "pretend" to fall asleep, when id try to initiate it.

before i go on, i should explain a bit more about the sex. Recently I myself have been refusing sex, putting it off, trying to avoid it at all costs. I honestly dont know why, we're both young, ive always loved sex with him, nothing really changed, but overnight i just got to a point where i dreaded it. I wasnt happy with myself, i tried to do some online research, I went to my gp, i went to a clinic, and they all told me not to worry, and it was just a result of the stress i was going through in my life. I still felt awful everytime he'd try it on and id push him away or say I was tired. Dont get me wrong, we still did it, but it was rare, and it wasnt good. Then, he started his job and stopped asking for sex. which is when i realised i miss sex (probably just a childish reaction to finding out im no longer wanted, i dont know what it was) and then you know the rest.

i feel stupid... i dont actually believe he's cheating on me. i think. I dont know, I feel silly. He's an incredible man and I know he loves me, at least I know he loves me until my thought process starts which goes something like this: Dont be silly, he loves you, he'd never ever cheat on you.... but how do i know for sure? he's been different recently. What if he got tired of waiting for me to give him sex and decided to go get it somewhere else? Maybe im being paranoid, but isnt that the same thought process that every female who's ever been cheated on went through? Didnt they always think they were being paranoid, only to eventually find out they were right on the money? how do i know it wont turn out the same way with me?

Or am I just being an idiot? Am I overthinking things and acting crazy? Am I doing it because he has a brilliant job and Im still unemployed looking for work and Im undeniably jealous? Am i thinking those things because I have always thought, and still think, that he's too good for me, that he can do better, find a much prettier, smarter girlfriend?

There is another thing that is bothering me, separate from the above. Im sorry if this is really long, I just think that since Im opening up and asking for advice, I might as well ask for advice about the thing that's been bothering me for a lot longer than this new job. There is this girl, his "best friend", or at least she was his best friend before me and him got together. (I must stress that the past tense has nothing to do with me, I didnt even know her when I met him, they just drifted slightly apart for an unknown reason that had nothing to do with me). Well, at first, when he told me about her, I had no problem with her. Okay im lying, I was jealous of how much he seemed to like her, of how over protective of her he was, but i never acted on it. I dismissed it as natural female jealousy, me wanting to be the only woman in his life. Then a few months ago, she started becoming a problem. To start off he never properly introduced me to her, he'd actually avoid introducing me to her if we were ever all in the same place. Which i found annoying because I knew if id met her and known her, i wouldve been okay with her, it wouldnt have felt like he was hiding me away for a reason. Then, i started finding out things that had happened between the two of them in the past, id just come across things by coincidence. For example, I found a message he sent her explaining to her how much he misses her sleeping in his bed next to him and them cuddling. The message was sent before me and him got together so he was fine, but i was annoyed cause he'd always insisted nothing had ever happened between them before. Then id come across other messages, ones that were alot more recent, about how he's bought her a present (it was in the same week as my birthday, which we celebrated but id got no presents cause he'd said he hadnt had any money then) and messages planning to meet up and him not mentioning it to me. I always confronted him because Im just not the type of person who can keep things locked in, and he always had an explanation that made sense but at the same time just didnt feel right. either that or he'd roll his eyes and tell me i was being stupid and she was just a friend. After so may confrontations, he started deleting any evidence of any conversation he has with her. I know because he leaves everything else for me to read except anything to do with her.

Once again, I dont want to jump to conclusions, I dont want to be an idiot, but I cant help but have doubts. Is she just a friend or is she more? Is he being secretive because there's something to hide or because he knows the mere idea of her upsets me and its easier this way?

I dont know. I really, really dont. I love him and was always sure he loved me back. Most of the time I still am, most of the time I still scold myself and tell myself he's an honest man, but then some of the time I feel like Im going to go crazy with wondering, and its the fact that those unsure insecure days are increasing faster than ever that led me to write this. Please tell me your thoughts.

[perch101]

Yep I think it's definitely come to that.... Good luck and I hope you let us know how it goes... He'd want to have a good answer to where he's been all night.... If he says 'I just got drunk and fell asleep at a mates' then tell him all the other signals (that you've listed in your post...)

You need to know one way or the other!

Perch :-)

[Londres70]

Yeah, it is 11:30 here in Paris.  WOW, he is not home yet?

Get yourself a good cup of tea and get ready to talk.  

I wish you the best.  

Londres :))

[maystik]

Yeah... The scratches were long, thin, red lines. Its not the gym. He did say he was laying down on a bench doing weights but it just doesnt fit.

As a matter of fact at this very moment in time he still hasnt come home from a night out with friends from work. Its now 10.13 a.m.

Im being an idiot aren't I? perch101, i think i'm just gonna have to do what you say and ask him straight out. I think Ive been postponing it cause I dont want to know the answer, but I cant live like this...

Thanks a lot everybody, it feels nice to have someone to talk to about this who wont judge me

[perch101]

I'm sorry but it dosen't sound good.

A change in behavior is not a good sign... add to it the other bits and pieces you've picked up.... and all of a sudden not wanting sex even when you are trying to initiate it...

Do the scratches look like long lines - like fingernail scratches?

I think it's at the point where you just need to flat out say to him that you've picked up on some signals and is he cheating? At the end of the day you need to know. Your intuition is yelling at you!

It will hurt if you find out he is.... but better to find out he's a cheater now than years down the track when you may have a family together...

You ask 'is it my own fault' and I assume you mean because you used to turn down sex with him. I would not say its your fault.... but healthy guys do need sexual release... HOWEVER I don't believe that if you deny him sex it's a green light for him to cheat..... At the time you turned him down his ego may have been a bit bruised and it may have affected decisions hes made since.... the only way to really find out is to flat out ask.....

Good luck and I hope you keep us posted....

[RainLover71]

Something happened to his back and it didn,t happen in the gym but rather a bedroom.The writings on the wall!!!

[AnnieBrooke]

I can't imagine the gym being the explanation for the scratches, either.

[Londres70]

Sounds suspicious to me.  

He is not interested in introducing you to this friend?  A "red flag."  

Ask him why is he keeping "her" a secret.  Trust me, it is not to not upset you.  He is hiding something.  That is my opinion.  

Hmm, I would be concerned.  

I wouldn't blame yourself if he is cheating.  Why?  You were having a "rough patch," which can happen.  If he is that weak, well, what more can I say?  

Is he telling you "It's all in your head and that you are imaging things?"  That line is a "red flag."  

[RockRose]

What did he say he did at the gym that caused scratches on his back?  I could see if he was lying on his back doing weights,  he might have some abrasions - but they would look nothing like a woman's fingernail scratches,  which would be 4 parallel lines.