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Is it worth saving after almost 20 years?
Last night, I stayed in a hotel because I couldn't stand to be around my common-law husband of 19+ years. We have had problems over the past 2 years with both of us seeking attention on line from the opposite sex. We already did counseling for a few months
The blow up yesterday was because I made a joke about one of the single women on one of his Facebook group sites, he blew up, hung up on me, shut his Facebook down, and wouldn't come in the house last night for at least an hour, so I got tired of waiting, and went to a local hotel. We have not spoken since.
There is one big problem: he doesn't have a job, is 50+ and disabled, so although I have asked him to leave a few times, he will not and realistically says he does not have the money to do so. That's why I left last night but I am going home tonight.
We do love each other but I do not trust him because last summer he turned an on-line "friendship" into a sexting plus emotional affair with a married woman who knew about me (they used to discuss me on line!) I was blindsided, I thought we were happy. It has only gotten more and more stressful over the past several months. If I had the money, I would be in my own apartment by now. But we do not have money for two residences. We have our teenage kids, 19 and 16, still living at home. Help.
The blow up yesterday was because I made a joke about one of the single women on one of his Facebook group sites, he blew up, hung up on me, shut his Facebook down, and wouldn't come in the house last night for at least an hour, so I got tired of waiting, and went to a local hotel. We have not spoken since.
There is one big problem: he doesn't have a job, is 50+ and disabled, so although I have asked him to leave a few times, he will not and realistically says he does not have the money to do so. That's why I left last night but I am going home tonight.
We do love each other but I do not trust him because last summer he turned an on-line "friendship" into a sexting plus emotional affair with a married woman who knew about me (they used to discuss me on line!) I was blindsided, I thought we were happy. It has only gotten more and more stressful over the past several months. If I had the money, I would be in my own apartment by now. But we do not have money for two residences. We have our teenage kids, 19 and 16, still living at home. Help.
I should tell you I am a loner and have never been married, probably never will from the looks of it. If I have any problems it's only because of me, I have no one else to blame. I found out early in life that I am my own best company!
If I were you, I'd just dump him! He appears to just sit around the house all day and do nothing but cheat online, using his so called disability for a reason to lean all his weight on you! CurbthePig I say! Get a job or get out! You sound like a level headed woman and should have gotten another man (Me!....J/k) when you had the chance! I can't believe you left instead of calling the cops and having him booted! Don't be naive, be strong and tell him that if he don't go that you will have him escorted to the door!
Thank you for your comments. As of now, I am home again, but we need to go back to counseling to talk, even if it is to talk about how we can both move on to a different lifestyle (separation). Love is not enough when trust is gone. Also, you can forgive but not forget. Trust has to be earned.
Hi goldenlove,
As for your comments that I was SILLY to suggest someone on disability does not discount them from working.....think about that for a moment. I specifically said "if he is able to have a desk job" then he should be able to contribute monetarily to the household instead of being conveniently kept.
This was said because He was the one breaking the trust of the person He depended on for a roof over his head. "biting the hand that feeds him".
To me and in my opinion only that is a way of using guilt to keep one from
the ramifications of ones actions. He should be given a pass for bad behavior because he has no where to go????? Indigo leaves to go to a hotel instead of Him?? Excuse me, but in this specific situation I stand by my statement ----it is my opinion after all.
If YOU, find it unhelpful and unnecessary than state it that way.
CML
As for your comments that I was SILLY to suggest someone on disability does not discount them from working.....think about that for a moment. I specifically said "if he is able to have a desk job" then he should be able to contribute monetarily to the household instead of being conveniently kept.
This was said because He was the one breaking the trust of the person He depended on for a roof over his head. "biting the hand that feeds him".
To me and in my opinion only that is a way of using guilt to keep one from
the ramifications of ones actions. He should be given a pass for bad behavior because he has no where to go????? Indigo leaves to go to a hotel instead of Him?? Excuse me, but in this specific situation I stand by my statement ----it is my opinion after all.
If YOU, find it unhelpful and unnecessary than state it that way.
CML
Hi Indigo,
Firstly , forgive me for my broken up post. I do not know why it posted that way.
In your initial post you seemed angry and distrustful of your partner, and seemed to have gone for counseling which had not worked.
Your response seems to explain more about your relationship and it would seem you are not ready to break ties. This of course is your choice. If you can maintain this relationship when the trust has been broken then so be it.
It seems to me you are Scared to start Over and would rather go along with this at the expense of your happiness, just to have a relationship.
I am not judging you and you must do what you feel you can do, but staying in a relationship when your partner has betrayed your trust, and discussed your relationship with negativity to another women would seem to be something you do not deserve. Again that is up to you, it can be very frightening to start over again and your reluctance makes perfect sense. I suppose you have to decide just WHAT kind of behavior you can tolerate in a partner before you let go.
I sincerely wish you the best outcome possible.
CML
Firstly , forgive me for my broken up post. I do not know why it posted that way.
In your initial post you seemed angry and distrustful of your partner, and seemed to have gone for counseling which had not worked.
Your response seems to explain more about your relationship and it would seem you are not ready to break ties. This of course is your choice. If you can maintain this relationship when the trust has been broken then so be it.
It seems to me you are Scared to start Over and would rather go along with this at the expense of your happiness, just to have a relationship.
I am not judging you and you must do what you feel you can do, but staying in a relationship when your partner has betrayed your trust, and discussed your relationship with negativity to another women would seem to be something you do not deserve. Again that is up to you, it can be very frightening to start over again and your reluctance makes perfect sense. I suppose you have to decide just WHAT kind of behavior you can tolerate in a partner before you let go.
I sincerely wish you the best outcome possible.
CML
Hope I didn't offend any Aussies with my comment about Vegamite! It actually has an interesting taste but must take time to get used to.
Hi also,
In all your time together you both dont seem to have created any lasting relationship and would appear more of convience than anything else. Theres nothing wrong with just living together but at your age group the value of marriage was part of your upbringing which seems to have been avoided.
For the most part your mates behavior seems to be only fantacy with the other woman as if he was serious about her he would have left you by now. Like trying any taboo subject, like drugs, porn and chat sites, an addiction sets in that is often hard to stop and his fantacy woman could just be that, an addiction.
Only you can decide if putting forth more time with him is to your advantage but maybe its better for you to be alone. Make a plan to increase your finances and go live a life worth living.
In all your time together you both dont seem to have created any lasting relationship and would appear more of convience than anything else. Theres nothing wrong with just living together but at your age group the value of marriage was part of your upbringing which seems to have been avoided.
For the most part your mates behavior seems to be only fantacy with the other woman as if he was serious about her he would have left you by now. Like trying any taboo subject, like drugs, porn and chat sites, an addiction sets in that is often hard to stop and his fantacy woman could just be that, an addiction.
Only you can decide if putting forth more time with him is to your advantage but maybe its better for you to be alone. Make a plan to increase your finances and go live a life worth living.
Okay, you were typing at the same time I was. I would suggest, first and foremost, that you and he consult with one of those disability attorneys to try to get him disability. They usually take 1/3 of the back payment/lump amount and have free consults.
Second, it does sound like some intense marriage counseling might help you both. Yes, you have every reason to be bitter over his emotional affair, but you need to find a way to let go of that bitterness because it's just damaging you. Counseling will not only help keep your marriage together, it can also be used to help you end your marriage. Either way, it should help you get to know yourself (and your spouse, if you are interested) better, which will help you shape your future.
Second, it does sound like some intense marriage counseling might help you both. Yes, you have every reason to be bitter over his emotional affair, but you need to find a way to let go of that bitterness because it's just damaging you. Counseling will not only help keep your marriage together, it can also be used to help you end your marriage. Either way, it should help you get to know yourself (and your spouse, if you are interested) better, which will help you shape your future.
Wanted to add -- I never snooped on his phone or Facebook. While we were on the road to our vacation hotel in Wisconsin, he had me hold his phone while he drove so I could look at Google maps. Her picture popped up with a message, "First Day?" He snatched the phone out of my hand, which is what made me suspicious for the first time. Later when he was asleep, I went on his phone and found all of the sexual messages and pictures between them, as well as discussions about how he was unhappy with me. My whole life has been completely changed in a horrible way since then. I have had to learn about spyware and secret chat sites and I always check his Facebook and phone now to see who he is speaking to. This has destroyed our union as far as I am concerned.
It sounds to me like you want to make this work. Common law marriage is seen the same as a legal marriage in the eyes of the law in many states. Obviously in your relationship, you both consider yourselves married. You say you did counseling for a few months. I would suggest, if you want to save your relationship, you go back to counseling and stay with it longer.
You both have developed unhealthy patterns in your marriage and need to learn how to communicate in a healthier manner. 20 years is a LONG time and you have a lot invested in each other. But over that time, you both will start to take each other for granted if you don't nurture your relationship, and you both will start to build resentments.
As for the comments that he should be working even though he's disabled, that just silly. Unless the nature of the disability is known, to make a comment like that is unhelpful and unnecessary.
I will say that there is a good possibility that if you do split up, you may be required to pay spousal support if he is unable to live on his own, since you are common law married. You would need to consult with an attorney to see if that's the case in your state.
You both have developed unhealthy patterns in your marriage and need to learn how to communicate in a healthier manner. 20 years is a LONG time and you have a lot invested in each other. But over that time, you both will start to take each other for granted if you don't nurture your relationship, and you both will start to build resentments.
As for the comments that he should be working even though he's disabled, that just silly. Unless the nature of the disability is known, to make a comment like that is unhelpful and unnecessary.
I will say that there is a good possibility that if you do split up, you may be required to pay spousal support if he is unable to live on his own, since you are common law married. You would need to consult with an attorney to see if that's the case in your state.
Thank you for your comment.
My worry is that, for me, it is a combination of mid-life crisis and perimenopause clouding my judgement, and that we could have a good future once this turbulent phase is over (we are both 52 years old). Also I just came off a medication, tramadol, that I had been on for 10 years, so as someone who is less than a year "clean and sober", I hesitate to make big decisions like this.
He worked for our entire relationship until he was hurt on the job 3 years ago, and we have exhausted his workers comp and disability. He is considered permanently disabled by the courts but instead of giving him Social Security disability, they said he should get a desk job. Those jobs are not exactly falling out of the trees for someone over age 50 with zero experience or credentials in anything but blue-collar, physical work.
We rent an apartment and the lease is in my name, I do not plan to leave again; if anything, if he really pisses me off, I am sending HIM to a hotel room for the night!
Also, I have not made any kind of contact with a man on line since 2013, when I did chat with some on line but under a fake name and made it clear I was not available to meet in person. Nothing sexual happened, ever. I did it because I doubted my own attractiveness and needed to hear from other men that I was still attractive, and my partner knows that is why I did it (we discussed this in counseling). Since the beginning of 2014 I have not ever sought an outside online relationship. If we split up, I will be completely alone and either stay alone or start all over from scratch with someone new.
I don't think he had any idea how affected I would be by his having conversations and sexual texting and pictures going on with a married woman in Australia (we are in U.S.A.) in the summer of 2014 who bragged about how she kept her phone locked up at all times so her husband couldn't see it. My spouse would go to her on line late at night and say he needs something to help him sleep -- "SIGH" -- I am obviously still bitter about it, 8 months later. She even sent him a package of that crap they eat over there, Vegamite, and when the package came I thought it was nice that one of his on-line friends would do that, that was before I saw all the sexting and discussion about how unhappy I made him. I am pretty sure I will never trust him again. I am willing to go to counseling again only because I want to give myself a year clean and sober before I make the huge change of ending the relationship.
My worry is that, for me, it is a combination of mid-life crisis and perimenopause clouding my judgement, and that we could have a good future once this turbulent phase is over (we are both 52 years old). Also I just came off a medication, tramadol, that I had been on for 10 years, so as someone who is less than a year "clean and sober", I hesitate to make big decisions like this.
He worked for our entire relationship until he was hurt on the job 3 years ago, and we have exhausted his workers comp and disability. He is considered permanently disabled by the courts but instead of giving him Social Security disability, they said he should get a desk job. Those jobs are not exactly falling out of the trees for someone over age 50 with zero experience or credentials in anything but blue-collar, physical work.
We rent an apartment and the lease is in my name, I do not plan to leave again; if anything, if he really pisses me off, I am sending HIM to a hotel room for the night!
Also, I have not made any kind of contact with a man on line since 2013, when I did chat with some on line but under a fake name and made it clear I was not available to meet in person. Nothing sexual happened, ever. I did it because I doubted my own attractiveness and needed to hear from other men that I was still attractive, and my partner knows that is why I did it (we discussed this in counseling). Since the beginning of 2014 I have not ever sought an outside online relationship. If we split up, I will be completely alone and either stay alone or start all over from scratch with someone new.
I don't think he had any idea how affected I would be by his having conversations and sexual texting and pictures going on with a married woman in Australia (we are in U.S.A.) in the summer of 2014 who bragged about how she kept her phone locked up at all times so her husband couldn't see it. My spouse would go to her on line late at night and say he needs something to help him sleep -- "SIGH" -- I am obviously still bitter about it, 8 months later. She even sent him a package of that crap they eat over there, Vegamite, and when the package came I thought it was nice that one of his on-line friends would do that, that was before I saw all the sexting and discussion about how unhappy I made him. I am pretty sure I will never trust him again. I am willing to go to counseling again only because I want to give myself a year clean and sober before I make the huge change of ending the relationship.
Wow---This is a fine mess you find yourself in! obviously in your heart you know this relationship has run it's course. You as well as he are seeking outside personal relationships, have gone to counseling, and things are continuing to deteriorate.
First I would ask who's name is the house in. If yours only ( do not ever leave Your house ) he is the one that should be leaving, end of story.
If it is in both names then the time has come to dissolve the relationship and sell the house and split the money.
Now you are going to say , well he is disabled, and cannot work., right? Does he get work man comp or can he apply for a disability hardship loan?
Is his disability something that would keep him from a desk job, answering phones, computers, etc Frankly the disability is HIS problem (not to seem cold), but he is looking elsewhere for relationships and possibly a new home, at least he should be aware of the dangerous position he is in. If not,now is the time to have a long heart to heart.
I would seek legal counsel on this common law situation--I am not sure what state you are in and if it is legal there. Still legal help is what you need, and there are some community outreach programs that afford you the opportunity to get legal advice.
Good luck, Indigo
CML
He should be out of your life, just because he has a disability does not make YOU responsible for KEEPING him. Let the other women he is talking to do that if they want to take that on.
So either you both find a way to work this out and live under the same roof --or you don't. It can't continue the way it is now. Does the 19 year old have a job?. Just because he is to lazy to work at finding a job.....well I guess he will just have to change his life around and do something with it.
Sorry to sound so cold but when I see the many people out there with disabilities , and more than willing to work???? Ask him why he thinks YOU should Have to Put up with this behavior......and girl? Leaving the house should never happen to you again. You have other rooms to sleep in I assume--just ignore him and go on with your life.
I know many people with disability's that are
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