Is my Husband Verbally abusive

[laylajai]

For Three years I thought it was just that my husband works hard and is the sole fincancial provider for our family of 5.. we have 3 kids ages ten months 3 years old and 9 years old. well it has gotten worse his yelling his complaining to me and the kids (9 yr old from a previous marriage) he cusses non stop throws the fact that i dont have a paying job yet my husband requested me to stop my career and have children so I did. My husband yells and cusses at our children.. our home is peaceful untill he gets home from work. so this past week it has donned on me (bing) maybe he is verbally abusive because just because you work doesnt mean you still dont have to be a husband and Dad. Please let me know what you think i am open to all and how can I resolve this can counseling help? or is it too late? I know you guys dont know me or my husband and I know him best but sometimes a girl just needs a wake up call. please mature advice only thank you Laylah

[teko]

Well that depends. First of all, it is never too late to get counseling. Secondly if your oldest child is 9 and you are just now noticing that your husband cusses all the time, then either you were not tuned in to him when he was talking or you were in complete denial all this time.  Taking care soley of that many people in the age we live in is huge stress. Sounds like he got married, had kids, and is just now realizing what he signed up for and is not happy about it. Both parents need to work together to make a family work. The kids should know the rules, parents hould never show anything but unity in their way of raising them, and yes, after working and being the sole provider, dad deserves a little r and r after a long day. It sounds like stress has set in and dad is feeling .well, stressed. Venting is not necessarily verbal abuse, and is just what it is, venting and trying to get a point across at a time when no one is hearing him, thus yelling.  Would you rather he leave?

[peggy64]

He should not be yelling and cussing at the children or at you. This makes for fearful and angry children.

You need to tell your husband this is not acceptable, and is not showing love. It is showing hatred for the ones he is abusive to.

Yes this is abusive.Yelling and cussing at you is more than just "venting." I don't care how much a parent works, that does not give them permission to come home and yell and be abusive. They should be showing love and attention to the family.

If you were waiting for someone to tell you, I will.....Its past time to "wake up" and protect your children and yourself from such emotionally destruction behavior.

[dayday8]

i think that you and your husband should try the couseling if that doesnt show any progress then i think it would be best for you to start thinkin about the safety of your kids because if he doesnt want to change he might get worse

[anglmaryjo]

I find that Men are not good caregivers. So, first of all it is good that you stayed home with the kids. Many men do not have the patience for caregiving. It sounds like he is just in a bad mood. Your reaction to his mood my be making him more moody.Try to just let him vent and then offer him a back rub or sexual favors. Let him know that you appreciate him working and providing for you and the kids. Don't argue when he is venting. Just listen and then move on. Don't criticize him. If a woman is to find happiness at all in her husband, she is to find it by showing appreciation and devotion to him.. If that appreciation and devotion is actual, that is the answer to his happiness too. Happy marriages are not a product of chance. They are intelligently and deliberately planned. If a man has a good s e x life he is happy most of the time. Make a date to be with him. Send the kids to a friends or grandmas for a few hours so you can have time alone. Try to understand where he is comming from. Look at his point of view. If it is just verbal abuse you may be able to work things out. If it turns to bodily abuse then that is another problem that should be addressed with some professional help. You have 3 children together. Give some serious thought to giving it your best shot to work things out. Good Luck

[Judy246]

I think the stress of holding down all the financial burden soley on him is getting to him.
It is unexceptable and inappropriate for him to curse at you and especially children. That is verbal and emotional abuse and can effect the entire dynamics of the relationship, family, children, there school, pets and results in a dysfunctional family and that is unexceptable. It's really important that at the right time, you sit him down and "discuss" that you have noticed that you are over stress and his anger is turning towards the family. Tell him that his inappropriate, offensive language is effecting the home environment, you and the children and how can you help him releave the stress. It's important to commumicate and "discuss", not fight or argue what steps will be necessary to get to a better place, but his fowl language is not to be accepted, especially around the children and make him aware of that. You want happy kids tha will function in school and as a mother, do what you have to do to get them and yourself to that place. If he get's out of control, you tell him he that your marrige is in trouble and you want to see if a marriage counselor or priest can help sort our his anger. if he want to you to go back to work, he should express it like a civilized human being and you both can start planning on how bet to get to that point and how to best make sure the childrens needs are met.  I wish you lots of luck and please do not tolorate him to verbally abuse you, less the children.  Judy

[peggy64]

Give him sex after yelling and screaming? HA HA!! It is not your responsibility to make him act like a decent human being. That is like saying if you just act right they won't beat you or _____ you. Fill in the blank with whatever abuse you are going through.  

This puts his the responsibility of his actions on her back and it is not her responsibility, nor anyones responsibility for others to behave in a humane, decent manner.  This is saying it is her fault that he yells, and it is not her fault nor anyones fault when they are abused.

[anglmaryjo]

I know some men are total assholes. He  is obviously very frustrated and holds on to a lot of anger. It may never be able to be resolved but deserves a chance. He may be very defensive when trying to discuss his problem. Tactful words need to be used so that he doesnt put up the defensive wall. You will never be able to discuss anything if he puts up that defensive wall. Ask him what he is so angry at. We do not know how awful your situation is. Only you do.....listen to our advice and make yourself a good decision on what you need to do for yourself and your children. I am not saying it is her fault. I am saying that for a marriage to work it takes the two of you to intelligently and deliberately plan it out. He may not be capable of doing that.

[peggy64]

We haven;t heard from you in a bit. what are you thinking about all this?

[teko]

LOL! ahhh! You guys are toooo funny! lol..  Sorry I cannot stop laughing! We women are somethin else! lol

Lets see if we can put this in perspective: The poster said:

For Three years I thought it was just that my husband works hard and is the sole fincancial provider for our family of 5.
It sounds like even she was not sure it is verbal abuse for 3 years she made excuses for him. I think we all know what verbal abuse is and if we have to ask, then it probably is not.  Now let me go on.

She said:
well it has gotten worse his yelling his complaining to me and the kids (9 yr old from a previous marriage) he cusses non stop

This sentence would leave the impression that someone is not listening and in his frustration, now has resorted to yelling and cussing. Is this abuse?

Depends.  When my children were young, (I had six), I yelled and cussed and carried on like you would not believe at times!  Was I abusive, probably at times, was anyone in fear of being called names or hit, Not at all!  I was venting to keep from doing just that! So, if he was not calling the kids little illigitamate bastards and her a fng ****, then just because he was loud and cussing does not constitute abuse, verbal or otherwise. That part of the post was not clear. Again, if that were going on I think the poster would have told us it was. IMO.
Let me go on:

She said:
so this past week it has donned on me (bing) maybe he is verbally abusive because just because you work doesnt mean you still dont have to be a husband and Dad

this past week? and maybe? and is willing to get counseling or get insight as to what she should do to what? end her suffering? solve the dilemma before it gets any worse?

Just does not sound like an abusive situation to me, however if not handled, it could easily go there. IMO


Now Lets Lynch that sucker! LOL

[peggy64]

My perspective is the children are seeing the leader of the family cussing, yelling, and acting very irresponsible. He is the one that is supposed to protect his family and his family is needing protection from him. There is no way to have a secure home environment when this is going on. I guess we can make ourselves feel better about our own yelling, by downplaying it, but it doesn't always stop at this.

Reports say that abuse does not normally start out full blown physical abuse or murder. It starts out small, such as verbal or emotional, and if allowed to continue escalates into worse and worse.

My perspective is this man needs to get control of himself before it does become more than just yelling and cussing.

[teko]

Theyre are so many forms of abuse in our society. If yelling in the home after having a long day at work is abusive, then I would rather see that any day than drinking, drugging, cheating, or slappin em up side the head and calling them names.

I dont think yer gonna find a parent on the face of the earth that has raised kids that did not scream, yell, shout and pout at one time or another in the home, and we all suvived it! If only by the grace of god!

LOL, I do think it is time for a sit down and look see of what is going on in order to solve the issues at hand before they do get out of hand. Just my lowly opinion, and I could be WAY off with my intrerpretation.

[Judy246]

No apology here...I stand by what I wrote...Judy

[teko]

Thats good judy, it would indeed be a boring world if we all thought the same way now would it not? You stick to your guns! lol

This is what makes us unique. All opinion welcome and poster can take what she wants and discard the rest. Abso lutely.

[anglmaryjo]

RIGHT ON TEKO....

[Judy246]

That's what this forum and all forums all about..everyone is entitled to their opinions and if the they learn something from them, good, if not...move on :)

[Judy246]

Hey teko...I just wanted to also mention what great thread results from the hubby 1 situation to responses on infidelity thread....it was pretty amazing! Hope both side of coin get the message....Judy

[UABelle23]

I know I'm a little late on this, but I couldn't help but be intrigued by your post. My father was/is verbally abusive. It was just me and my mom against him all the time. Over time, his rants have only gotten worse and he's a traditional southern guy (meaning he won't EVER consider counseling because "there's nothing wrong with him"). I have zero relationship with him because of the way he treated me and my mom. My mother can't stand him but she doesn't believe in divorce so she puts up with it. He is a hard worker, there's no argument there but my mom works hard too. I had to listen to him always put me and my mom down and frankly, I put on a smile for him but deep down...I can't stand him.

As a father and a husband, it's his duty to set a positive example for his children. Cussing at them is never acceptable. It can have damaging effects on a child. If counseling is an option, I would definitely head in that direction ASAP. If he can control his temper and his language after a little help, your family will benefit from it ten fold. Good luck with everything.