Hi there I'm having a problem with my girlfriend who is addicted to masturbating, she does it every-time she lays down for a nap or to go to sleep at night and also wakes up early and does it then too. The times at night can last from 2-8 hours. I am in bed with her she thinks I'm asleep, she has perfected her skills not to make as much noise or shake the bed. It started last summer 7 months ago she went away for a few weeks and I think that's when it stated, it may have started earlier I might not have noticed. She also has a vibrator she uses while I'm a sleep. last night she went into a different room for 2.5 hours. he doesn't know I know. To me it looks like she isn't happy in the relationship, we have been dating for almost two years. She is a single mom and has to work two jobs and is a very hard worker who doesent get enough sleep because of this problem. I have brought it up and she thinks I'm crazy and just makes excuses as to why she is tired. I told her its ok to do it lots of people do but not that much. I a at the point where I am going to break up with her as I know this is going to persist. I thought bout giving her an Ultamadom either this stops or I'm gone but I don't think I'm going to do that its not fair I realize its an addiction and you need help with that. What do you think I should do?
It does sound like an addiction or compulsion. I doubt she is doing it out of dissatisfaction with you, she might just be doing it for self-comfort, feeling it is totally separate from having sex with another person. But a lot of people in relationships would take it personally if their partner was masturbating all the time. If you feel so strongly about it that you want to break up, it's only fair to give her a chance. Maybe the thing to do is ask her to go with you to a counselor. At your first appointment, tell her the list you wrote above, calmly rather than in any blaming way, ask if she is particularly unhappy or stressed about something, and say you can't help but take it personally and also that you worry about her. Then see what she says. The presence of the counselor (and your sympathetic tone -- it's ALL in the way you say it without anger or blame) might open her up to tell you what is going on.
ps -- She KNOWS she shouldn't stay up half the night when it makes her exhausted the next day, so you probably don't need to make that point. But do tell her the hours and times.
Thank you very much for that answer, 7 months ago is when my "tone" was lets just say not very soft ;) also a few weeks ago that's a very important point. Your also right about not needing to be told about how it makes her tired , as I can remember one answer she said to me you don't need to tell me that I'm not getting sleep. I would see a counselor in a heart beat however she is VERY stubborn and I know she wont admit it. She has forgotten this but she admitted to me she was doing it 7 months ago and said she was doing it because she didn't have any time and not to take it personally. I was also thinking she was having an affair as she never wanted to spend time together but this(your answer) explains allot of it. Thanks again.
I would tell her what you have to say, again calmly, in front of a counselor whether or not she is extremely stubborn and won't admit anything. You want the tone to stay calm, and the counselor will help with that. It's better to give it one last try (assisted), than to simply walk away and feel like you didn't try. And if you try it yourself, things will get heated pretty fast, I'd bet. She'll yell that you are accusing her and stuff like that. But the counselor there will help.
In other words, your goal is not to get her to admit anything, to you or the counselor. Your goal is to tell her how this feels to you, and that you intend to leave unless she can change what she is doing, in a way that she hears and takes seriously. Paradoxically, saying it calmly in front of a couples' therapist will make her hear you, and saying it at home with no witnesses will not make her hear you. All you want is for her to listen to you and take your message seriously.
Hi There, I still haven't talked to her about the counselor, I'm just worried that when this comes up we will be done, were going on a trip in a few weeks skiing to the mountains so we'll have 8 hours in the car so I might touch on it then. I want to pass our second year at least its in 6 days lol. I can see that she is also growing way from me with these habbit's. When things slow down I'll talk to her and see if she even wants to talk to a councillor I know that’s going to be the hardest part and that it is going to come to a fork in the road left is the councillor and you and I and the right turn will be ending our relationship. This is a tough one, I have never had to deal with anything like this before. I like your advise give her a chance as I am really having hard time breaking up with the girl I still love.
I think u shud really not take ths personally...search a lttle about the differnece men and women have in achieving pleasure during sex.
Women have a toatally different mechanisms and thay Cannot achieve it fully if they have the slightest diversion in thr heads like cooking for the next meal. a shopping list to do etc etc.
If she is overstressedwhich she wud be doing 2 jobs she prbably cant focus on getting pleasure naturally so she resorts to ths....give her time dnt lose a beatiful rltship....its much more then just sex.
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