Is my girlfriend cheating?

[JustWorried1]

I'm up for the 4th straight night because I'm so worried the what I thought "love of my life" might be cheating on me or at least talking to another guy. I've been with my girlfriend for about 10 months now and she is by far the most compatible person I've ever been with and we have been so in love. My family has never approved of her because she has a child...that has been a bit of a problem with us. We used to have sex at least 3-4 times a week. It's down to maybe once to max 2 times a week over the past month. She is very depressed lately because she is upset about her life and is upset about my family not approving of her. She just got a new job at a gym where there are of course a lot of guys...we're past the "new" part of a relationship so I'm wondering if she's getting bored or what. I don't get it though...because she is always telling people how much she loves being with me...but the other day she started crying to me saying that she wasn't sure about what would happen with us because my family doesn't approve of her. She calls me less...what she failed to realize is that her cell number is on my account so I see everything. She called a guy the other night at about 10:30...I know it's a guy because I called the number...this is the first time she has called this guy at the call lasted over an hour! She also text messaged the guy. While she was sleeping the other night I grabbed her phone and noticed that she erased only those messages to him. I didn't tell her I checked her phone but told her that I'm very concerned and that I love her so much. I asked her 3 different times if she is seeing someone else or if she is considering it or at least talking to another guy. She said no at first but when I kept probing she seemed a little more adomate about not seeing another guy...I haven't called her out about this phone call to this guy and the text messages because I don't want her to think I'm going through her phone and I don't know how to tell her. Her phone records show she last talked to him on Tuesday and her records don't show that she has talked to him since. I know she is mentally unstable right now because she is depressed and I don't want here to do anything that will hurt. I have battled my family for her because I'm convinced she is the love of my life and I want to live the rest of my life with her. She told me the same thing but I really don't know what to believe anymore. She told me today she wants no other guy, she's not talking to any other guys and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me...and that I'm not at all the source of her depression and that it's her messed up life right now. I don't know what to believe anymore...I just want her to be the same loving girlfriend who used to pour her heart out to me. I'm so confused. I don't know if this is because I cheated on my ex girlfriend and I'm assuming it should happen to me or if this is real.

So, is she cheating on me? Is she using the excuse of my family to make up for something she is doing? Do I call her out on it? Should I tell her that I know about the call and the text messages?

I'm sick of staying up crying about this and I'm hurt...whether or not she's actually cheating...I don't know...but I think it hurts more knowing that she is looking elsewhere for support or whatever it is she is looking for. It hurts that I've gone to bat against my own family for her and that she is doing this to me.

I'm hoping someone can help.

Thanks - alone

[penswriter]

this post is from 2008 i really doubt that he's still checking it.

[Odd1]

She said she was a family friend. Did she mention how she knows this friend? most family friends if same age and different sex. Prob had a fling maybe he wanted to rekindle it?

The phone call was on your account so maybe she though it was to get in touch and was innocent. He tried to lay it on her she may have declined and deleted the message to not effect the relationship thinking no harm no fowl. I would find out what relationship she had with this guy.

[lindseyS4]

If it really was just a family friend then why did she delete the text messages from you? She was obviously trying to hide something.

[babypooh]

Although you can never know for sure, I think that she's honest with you about her concerns regarding your family. She probably does have someone she talks to about her problems and doesn't want to give you reason to worry so she deletes the messages. Perhaps you can try to talk to her and be kind to her (not that you're not :)   ) and just be there for her and hopefully she'll begin to open up to you more. Although it does help to talk to someone outside the relationship about the problems. I think that might just be all that it is. Good luck and don't overthink things, honey. I know it's hard, but you'll just torture yourself. Don't make any important decisions if you don't have solid proof that she was unfaithful :)

[butterflyfuller]

I did not read all the comments.  My feeling s are.. if you love her.. Do the things that make her happy. You do not want to lose her regardless. so  forgive and forget and go on with your lives.. but pay attention.. things do happen.. people do change. some can not be happy with just one person.  For now.. love her enjoy her. and be glad you have what you want.   Do not waste a single day  not loving her and worrying about the past.. Bad things happen on their own.. do not help them.  Be happy.

[map81]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to put more doubt in your head.  I was just being honest about my own experience, and after all, you did ask for people's opinions.  I don't think this is just about a phone call.  If you trusted your girlfriend and thought she would never cheat on you, it would not bother you.  So, the question is, do you not trust her because she is cheating or has cheated, or do you not trust her because you are an overly-paranoid person?  Only you can answer that.  Based on my experience on both ends of the spectrum (and based on my friends' experiences with cheating), there is no reason to erase messages unless they are incriminating.  She's trying to distract you away from the obvious by pointing out that you may have met the person before, do you want to meet him now, yada, yada.  That's not the point - the point is, why did she feel the need to hide the communication from you?  That's the key.  

Trust me, though, I am only being honest and blunt because you asked.  I promise you, once you cut all the bull-**** relationships out of your life, you will be so much happier!  I used to play games in relationships, and I would put up with a lot of **** as well, but when I finally met my husband I was much more mature and we are both happy.  And neither of us has felt the need yet to erase messages from our phones...that I know of.  :)  

[JustWorried1]

Well,

Talk about your basic momentum killer. I was convinced that she didn't do anything and that this truly is just a friend because she and her family really do have a lot of family friends like this...in fact, she thinks I even met him at one point and asked me if I wanted to meet him again...but now you've got me thinkin she did/is doing something again...she said it herself laughing "when would I have the time to cheat on you" - and she even went as far to say that if she were which she never in her life would cheat on me...she wouldn't make calls using a phone on my account...i don't know what to believe now. I'm sorry you cheated/were cheated on but it doesn't necessarily mean that is what's going on here. I think you need to be a little more considerate with your words/opinions before jumping to conclusions...kind of like I did.

[map81]

I still think she cheated and/or is cheating on you.  In my last relationship, I acted the same way (distant, had new guy "friend" at work that I would hang out with) and when my boyfriend confronted me, I lied because I was afraid of losing him.  We were hugely co-dependent on each other!  I've also been cheated on and I can tell you that most of the time, when you suspect something is wrong or "off," something definitely is.  There is no reasonable explanation for why she would have to erase text messages to a guy unless she was hiding something.  And to all of a sudden have this new family "friend" that you've never heard of before?  Come on.  "Family friends" don't call you at all hours of the night.  She's probably afraid of losing you because she has a kid and so she's lining up this other guy to take your place.  Once she's sure he'll be there for her, then she'll drop the bombshell.

Sorry to be so blunt, but I'm pretty sure that's how the script goes...  Good luck!

[slow_healer]

I'm not sure if you want my opinion, but I still think your paranoia played a *huge* role in this "crisis". You've gone from crying about how she MUST be cheating on you, to laughing about really how random the phone call was. You jumped to a very serious conclusion based on very little information. You never once talked about how it could have very realistically be a friend or relative - you assumed straight away that it was her other lover. I'm not saying you're a terrible guy, but please recognize how much you blew this one phone call out of proportion. One day a terrible assumption like the one you made in this case could backfire and mark the end of your relationship. It's happens in relationships, it's tragic, and it's best described as self-sabatoging. Best of luck... and hope that your relationship never has to go through a real test.

[JustWorried1]

I'm an idiot...I don't know why the hell I wrote Eric...I was multitasking at the time...Here is exactly what she said. I told her I was upset because I saw the call on her bill and she said - "yeah I was talking to my friend Mike. (laughing) He is a dorky family friend of ours and I haven't talked to him forever. I just found out he might be losing his job because my dad told me he talked to him about it a few months ago. He didn't get off until late because he works at a supermarket and he called me when he got off. We talked about him and what happened and his kids and what's been going on with me and we even talked about you! Do you want to meet him? I can introduce you to him...he's really just a friend" - she said there was no way she'd ever do anything with him...she said it would be so weird and she would never do anything to hurt me. She also asked why I didn't just say anything right away and that she felt sad and upset for me. I think I goofed on this one. She hasn't even talked to him since and she looked at me straight in the eyes and didn't even skip a beat about what she was doing. She said the reason she wasn't around me as much while she was depressed was because she knew she'd take it out on me and be pissed off around me...and she didn't want to tell me she wanted to be alone because then I would think that she didn't want to be around me and that it was me. So, yeah l think I goofed here...I honestly don't think she did anything or has plans to do anything. She's back to being so happy with me. I told her that we need to communicate better and if anything is ever wrong we go to each other first no matter what. She laughed about it again and gave me her sad look and smiled saying "I love you so much babe, you're so cute" - What do you all think???

[Glo_worm]

i'm sorry i really don't mean to come across as a b**** really i don't and if like girliegirl said you feel comforable and at ease with her response then i also wish you the best of luck.

[girliegrl1723]

i agree with glo_worm...something still doesn't sound right. but, if you talked to her and you feel reassured than i wish you luck. just keep your eyes open, usually your first instinct is the one to follow.

[Glo_worm]

i don't mean to "make waves" or anything but i thought you said that the number she dialed was under the name "Mike" in her cell...but she told you it was her friend "Eric".?? i'm sorry but you totally lost me. and he lost his job but she called him. damn i'm sorry i am soooo confused.

[JustWorried1]

I talked to my girlfriend and told her I knew about the call...she laughed and said "yeah, I made that call...it was my dorky family friend Eric! He lost his job!" Boy do I feel like a complete idiot. So we're good. She laughed and felt so bad for me. She said she would never do anything like that to me and she's so happy with me. She just needed some time to herself but didn't want me to think she didn't want me around because she knew that would make me feel bad. I tell her I love her and how beautiful she is EVERYDAY!!! So, I think we're good now.

[wonder26]

I Know How You Feel. I Felt Like That A Few Months Ago It Turned Out That I Was Right That She Was Cheating On Me. She Only Made Out With Him 1 Time, But It Was With My Now Ex-Bestfriend Which Really Hurt Me. I Took Her Back Cuz She Said She Didn't Sleep With Him. I'm Still With Her Too. I'm Not Going To Say That She Is Cheating And I'm Not Gonig To Say That She Isn't Ether. I Agree With Enemy48 On The Reason Why Women Go To Another Man. We Were Going Though A Reall Big Fight And She Thought I Didn't Love Her And Felt I Was Giving Her That Much Attention.  Make Sure You Make Her Feel Good About Herself And Give Her The Attention She Deserves. Wish You The Best Of Luck.

[enemy48]

Confrontation.  

Although you said that you don't want her to break up with you, be prepared if you confront her.  

I doubt she'll admit that she may have had a crush on this guy.  Or maybe it's the other way around.  He may have had a crush on her, and made her feel good about herself.

Do you make her feel good about herself?  That's the No. #1 reason women get attracted to other men.  Not because they're better than you are, but because maybe she got some extra attention.

[JustWorried1]

Listen,

I'm not trying to sabotage anything...I love my girlfriend to death!!! I've asked my closest friends (which are girls) and they say this doesn't sound right...especially from her. They think I should mention it to her. I know it's not a girl she's talkin to...the number in her phone was under Mike. - it's a cell phone. My friends who are girls told me..."yeah, us girls love to talk, but talking to a guy at 10:30 at night for an hour isn't what we do." I wouldn't have been so worried if she didn't erase JUST his messages. That really tells me something. There was something said that she DID NOT want me to see. I sure as hell don't want her to break up with me. I just want her to know how I feel and why this has been bothering me. I don't check her phone records everyday. I basically just came across this when I was checking the bill. What would you think/do if you were in my shoes?

[slow_healer]

"It hurts that I've gone to bat against my own family for her and that she is doing this to me. "

Slow down a moment! You've already decided that she's betrayed you, when really you have nothing to go on but a single phone record. You've even said it yourself - when would she even have the time to cheat on you? Yet even with all the facts added up, you're still convinced she's betrayed you. It sounds like you're projecting your baggage onto her, and if you're not careful, you're going to sabatoge this relationship because of it. You don't even know who she called. A relative? An old friend? A coworker? You're jumping to conclusions because you know what it would mean if YOU did that - not her.

It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure to make this relationship work because of the negative response from your family, and you're trying extra hard to hold on to her. Don't let that backfire into you actually pushing her away.

And how do you know those text messages were the ONLY text messages she deleted? How can you even assume that it's a guy she talked to on the other end of that line? So a dude answered the phone. Did you ask if it was his phone and if he's the only one who ever uses it? If it possible that his girlfriend/wife might have been the one talking to your girlfriend late at night when she needed a shoulder? Is it possible your girlfriend made a [female] friend and that's why the number is new? There are so many harmless possibilities here, yet you've honed in on the worse possible scenario.

Think about what your paranoia is doing to your relationship. The more you demand she account for every moment of her time and daily interaction, the more you're going to push her away. The less likely she's going to be to tell you in advance that she talked to "male coworker A" today because she's not going to want to have to reassure your paranoia and explain herself. If you can't take her word that you're the only guy for her, then you're setting yourself up for disaster. Relationships without trust are either unsustainable or controlling.

If my boyfriend confronted me with a phone record over a single phone call, the relationship would be over. I couldn't waste my time with someone who couldn't trust me, and I have a job where I encounter a lot of "eligible" male candidates for affairs (i.e. coworkers). You have a girl who's recognized your fears and responded to your insecurity with a loving, affectionate night. I think she knows that your thoughts spiral over issues like this, and even if she wanted to, probably knows what an argument it would be to try and *talk* to you about the phone call. My advice: let your girlfriend have a life of her own where she can talk to other people and don't jump to conclusions. This post might sound rude, but truly and honestly, if you're feeling this way now then your fears will come true on their own - all you're waiting for is a sliver of evidence to make it so. It's that dynamic that will sabatoge your relationship if you're not careful. Good luck.

[enemy48]

I not going to guess that she has cheated, but I would think that she has thought about it.  

Believe it or not, it's normal to think about it.  People will come across someone that they are attracted to secretively, and fantasize.  But it sounds like she carried out a fantasy by calling him up.  

You obviously had a suspicion before this or you wouldn't have checked her calls.  Or maybe you're just insecure?

[Glo_worm]

hey again. i think you are right about the opening the phone bill in front of her thing but you got a few days to let this drive ya nuts... lol i guess you really won't know until you get to that point. i'm sorry you have to experience this..it really sucks. imma pray for you. i know you'll do the right thing. if you love her i mean truely love her and know for a fact that there is no one you'd rather be with...then just do what your heart says.



    ~ashley

[JustWorried1]

anybody have any thoughts?

[JustWorried1]

Well,

Here is what I plan to do...the bill doesn't close until the 16th...which means I should get the actual bill about a week after that. I'm gonna open it in front of her and ask her who she made a 64 minute call to at 10:30 at night and see what she says. If she lies and says it's someone else I'm gonna tell her to call the number. If she refuses to do that I'm gonna tell her I know it was another guy and ask her for an explanation...what do you think? I just don't know if I can wait that long. I just don't get it...I see her everyday. I don't think she'd have time to even get with another guy. When she's not with me she's got her boy. I guess I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt. But, when I ask her about it and tell her I know she gets hit on all the time she says it doesn't matter and that she could get hit on by 1000 guys a day and it still wouldn't matter. But - what I can't get out of my head is why she talked to a random guy at 1030 at night...I know she has a lot of guy friends but this was different...especially with erasing the text messages. So, what do you think...is she talking to another guy thinking about cheating or is she just talking to this guy as a friend?

I'm lost. I love her, we've been making love over the past week, she talks to me like I'm the man for her...but when I ask her if she's talked to any other guys she says NO. So, I don't know what the heck to believe anymore. What do you think???

[Glo_worm]

well i understand she wanted time alone with you but did ya'll talk? or was it pretty quiet? i know when i've got something on my mind i just kinda sit there and stare into space. and i could grab a guy and do the samething to just have somebody to do that with. but i'm not like that. from what i gather... now she sounds 100% sure she wants to spend the rest of forever with you..but just last week she was spending an hour on the phone with some guy? i can't spend an hour on the phone unless i have something to talk about...and we could say it's a cousin or a friend..but again why would she erase just those messages. you are gunna drive yourself crazy. YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO  HER ABOUT ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING (AND VICE VERSA) if ya'll are talking about spending the rest of forever together. that is a long time to let this just sit in ur head and drive you insane. my advice is to just talk to her...and if it is that she talked to someone else and realized she wants you and only you forever then..at least you know. but hunnie cheating does start somewhere... i wish you the best of luck.

[scot120]

It sounds like she gave you a really special night , she says she wants to be with you alone . Just let it go till you get your next phone bill . If the calls continue , then show her the bill and talk .