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Is my husband gay?
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Is my husband gay?

I have been with my husband for 7 years.  We have to kids, age 5 and 3 months.  A few days ago, I was online, and he had not logged out correctly. To my disbelief, I saw a picture of him wearing my thong and fishnet stockings.  He has been chatting with men also (online).  We have never seen eye to eye on sex.  It is never "kinky" enough for him despite my efforts.  I need help, I have tried talking to him, but he just said that he tried the clothes on for a joke.  I did say that i knew he was talking to men online, and he told me he was talking to women too. Is that supposed to make me feel better or worse? Is he gay? Bi?
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9 Comments Post a Comment
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Avatar_m_tn
Do you know what he was talking to the men about?  While most of the straight transvestites are irritating and have poor fashion sense they do like dressing in women's clothing and do like women.

In fact bizarrely enough most transvestites are supposedly straight.

On another note by never kinky enough what do you mean?

Also if he wants to do pictures  

A) who took them.
B) make sure he doesn't put any of you online.
C)  I hope he likes knowing that each time he posts pictures of himself online he is destroying career opportunities if someone ever finds them.  That is not kinky but rather moronic.
D) Talking isn't the problem but the problem is that if you talk to someone other than your partner (and this goes for men and women) you are more likely to go from talking to doing)  maybe you guys should just get some erotica and start reading to each other and try not to judge each other.  Each of you can try to find something you can relate to and read it to the other?

Just a thought?
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Avatar_f_tn
By not kinky enough, i honestly don't know.  We just had a baby 3 months ago, and due to complications with my pregnancy, we were not able to have sex.  I think that is when it all started.  We have had our problems, but nothing like this.  I look at him now, and I feel so different towards him.  I have asked him if he was gay and he said no.  But never really gave me a straight answer as to why he was doing this.  He took them himself, our camera has a timer.  I feel so sick. I am losing sleep over this.  I can't see him being all the way gay b/c I know he looks at other women too.  It is so upsetting all the same though.  I think of my kids and how this would affect them.
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Avatar_f_tn
Whilst my heart goes out to you, this can be devistating and I can honestly say that from experience. Not the dressing up bit but the Internet searches.

The top and the bottom of the question is this, do u love this guy?

If you do then you have to work this out if ot then love you must leave.

It is horrible to live like that and not know you love him.

If you can get past this then you are in for a fantastic relationship.  If he likes to dress up so be it give him hints.

If he is Bi then it is just an extra facit, if he is gay then bang goes your sex life.

Talk to him but please remember what made you love this man in the first place.  Be honest with yourself, was is that little bit of mystery about him?

I am so sorry for you at this point in time as it hurts like hell.  But maybe he hurts too.

You can get past this, and you will be stroonger for it.
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Avatar_f_tn
I do love him, and I want it to work.  We are moving in 1 week, and I asked him if he wanted to go through with it. He said yes, and that he loves me.  He said the ball is in my court, and it is up to me if we do go through with the move.  I want to, but I am scared of what will happen.  
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Avatar_f_tn
You love each other and you have children.  Two very good reasons to work it out.

Beleive me when I say, I have experienced it and although it is hard to live with it, it is harder to live knowing the man you love is out there loving you back. Yet apart.

There are lots of things I really do not want to go into here as the may be people who know me and well I am sure you can guess.

You have to take things back to basics.

I love my man and I will stand by him no matter what.  He loves me more than anyone ever could do.  We dont have what society would term as a normal relationship, but I would not change any of him, it is all of him I love, worms, warts an all.  It would have been easy to walk away but so much harder to live with that. I tried it for a year, but I need him in my life.

You are talking and that is good.  what ever you do keep the lines of communication open.

If you are in the UK there is an organisation called FLAG which could help because they provide a telephone service for people in your situation by people whom have gone through this.

If you are not in theUK maybe there are similar organisations there for you.

Take care sweetheart and dont give up.  

Your emotions and thoughts are valid, but so are his.
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Avatar_f_tn
I really do not know what to say, nowdays people do things they did not do when i was young, and gay people sort of kept it quiet, but dressing up like that would be like waving a large red flag to me, also the kinky stuff, but who knows I do believe that i would keep my eyes open  luck  jo
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Avatar_f_tn
I know it does raise a red flag.  I know that it is not "normal" behaviour.  Thanks everyone.  At times I feel ok, and then other times I fell so confused, betrayed and let down.  I still think about my kids.  What if they were a bit older, and saw that pic?
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Avatar_f_tn
Oh, one more thing I forgot to post.  He said that sex with me was boring.........
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Avatar_f_tn
I really do hope things work out for you, and the children, and if my husband told me sex with me was boring, well it just goes to show what kind of person he is, and i do know that it hurts you, and you worry about the children, I think that you know deep down where this is going and just what you want to do He is trying his best to hurt you, and make you feel guilty, and you have nothing to feel guilty for so stand right up to him , that is if you stay, and do not back down one inch and of course you feel hurt confused and all of that, but do not let him know just how you feel, be strong for the children after all he is the one doing all of this stuff, and hiding it, so you know he is on the prowl so to speak, and you will have to get ready for it he will try to down you, and make it your fault, but hold up for yourself, and tell him just where to stuff his words,  lots luck  jo
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Avatar_m_tn
Hmmmm I don't know what is going on from a guys perspective.  I mean I wouldn't to the panties and fishnets but it doesn't mean that he is gay.  Sounds like a freak, I mean what kinds of things is he looking for with sex?  Also he sounds very selfish, he is only thinking about his needs and not the needs of the family.  But Idon't know him, how much time does he spend online?  What sorts of things does he talk to these ppl on line about?  Is he on sex sites like adultfriendfinder or such?
Why does he think that sex with you is boring?  what is he looking for?  is what he wants something you wouldn't consider?  Honestly you might want to try and spice things up if you are willing.  I have some suggestions if you would like.
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Avatar_f_tn
That is unforgivable and is a testament to his short comings not yours.  It could also be a way of justifying his actions to himself.  Sometimes people say the most hurtful things as a means of redirecting the partners focus.  It is so much easier to put the onus on someone else.
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Avatar_f_tn
extrmeski
I don't know how to spice things up anymore.  I always dress up like a skank (he wants it) I watch porn with him, talk dirty, do crazy postions,.  I draw the line at anal sex.  He wanted that, I tried and it hurt. I did not enjoy it at all.  I am a good looking woman too, I am only 27 and men look at me all the time.  I don't know why hes like this!  He goes to single sites, a lot of porn sites, and he has been IM ppl.  ..... all men from what I can tell by his list of contacts.  His time spent online is behind my back. He waits til I go out, or I am in bed to start going onto these sights.   But sure what are your suggestions!  
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Avatar_m_tn
Ok first of all, after reading some of the comments.  Please remember advice received from someone you don't know is essentially trash made out of flashpaper.  Volatile and dangerous to follow, and if use it for anything else you can get burned losing your family in the process.

Being a dad/father  let me say the following.

The time period after a baby is born is an insecure time for men.  You are displaced into a new role that is not one you previously occupied.  Plus that role is one in which your normal monkey urges for touch are not necessarily going to be satisfied.

You may actually not feel like even being touched if you are breastfeeding and stuff.  Encourage him if does not already to do stuff like running to the store etc. occasionally with the baby-alone.  This gives you a break and is good for both you and him.  At night take turns brushing each others hair, have him help do your  toenails, wax his back (joking on that).  Small things to help rebuild bonds.  Do walks with the baby and stroller as a family.  This is just a small start that I think will help.

Quite honestly a lot of time when men start acting kinky it is because they are bored and want attention.  It does not always have to do with that they are a freak.

But if he wants to dress freaky?  See about getting a male thong (with pouch) for him and maybe see if you and him can start giving little strip shows for just each other.

Just remember when you read this or any advise not to follow it withou second thoughts at first.
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Avatar_f_tn
I just have three things to say... first of all, if my husband was dressed up like yours did and chatting with men online, I would seriously doubt him being straight - regardless of having a baby or not having sex in awhile.  Second, you were married for better or for worse - what kind of man shows his support to his wife (who is having a complicated pregnancy) by starting to run around online?  Third, you will have to decide what is and is not acceptable to you and express this to your husband.  In this situation the ultimate question does not seem to be is he gay or straight - it is are you okay with him doing these things and being on these websites and going behind your back (only the guilty have to do that, in my opinion), or not?  And if not, and he doesn't change, then you have to go from there.  Good luck.
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Avatar_f_tn
Thanks,  you make quite a bit of sense.  I will try talking to him again.  All I can do for now I guess is see where things go from here.  I am not ready to end my marriage yet.  Hopefully it does not get to that point. Maybe it is just a fantasy of his or something, I don't know.  I am going to try and get him to open up to me more.
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458384_tn?1295724256
SS does make sense!  I think if you look inside and sit down with him and be honest, express your concerns and why, he may open up to you and put you at ease or at very least let you know where your relationship stands.  Pray on it! Ask the Lord for guidance.  Then once the two of you have put it all out on the table the two of you should pray on it!  
I find that a date night away from the kids and everyone else does wonders!  If you can do it once a week that would be great, if that is too much do it every other week, if you can;t do that for goodness sake, do it once a month no matter what and keep the date at all cost.  Because with out the two of you there is no family!  And what is the most important thing?  "FAMILY"    God Bless you honey and I wish you the best!  Let go and let God!
Peace be yours,
momeluv
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Avatar_m_tn
extrmesk and SeriousSam both offered good advice, as did many others.

But there is one thing nobody else has mentioned here yet - this behavior may have nothing at all to do with being gay.  I mean, think about all the gay sceens you may have seen even on television.  Gay men dress in "studly" apparel - not in dresses and such like.

What I think this has to do with is what is called "cross-dressing."  Some men get off on dressing in women's attire.  And who else will they talk to about it but with other men?

I am not saying that this is normal, acceptable behavior - but to those people who engage in it and talk to each other online about it, they convince each other that it IS acceptable behavior.

What I would suggest is that you use Google.com and do a search on "cross-dressing".  You will be AMAZED at what content you will find online.  At the very top of the search results you will find that there is an article about the subject by Wikipedia.  Wikipedia is an amazing online encyclopedia.  (I LOVE looking history up on the site!!!)

Here is the Wikipedia site -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cross-dressing

Start there and read up thoroughly on the subject so that you are familiar with all the possible ramifications of this.  you need to bone up on the subject in order to talk intelligently about it with your husband.

After you become familiar with the subject, approach him about it and try to get him to open up to you about it.  The best outcome is that this is a minor and temporary sexual diversion for him.  The WORST outcome is that he has sexual gender confusion and may possibly be considering things like becoming a "transsexual" or even possibly having a sex change (called gender reassignment by doctors who perform these complicated changes in males and females).

There is a Wikipedia article on this subject too -

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transsexual

I don't think you will get anywhere with your husband until he comes clean and honestly tells you what it is all about.  Your gaining knowledge about the subject first will be a great help in getting him to open up to you, I think.

- = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = - = -

What really is of equal seriousness, to me anyhow, is his statement that he is bored with you.  I mean, it is pretty common knowledge that things in married life (or even in cohabiting life) is that things DO get a bit stale and repetitous.  And married couples DO get into arguments.  These are the things why people who have been married for 40 years say that a good marriage takes work!

But did your husband have to come out and say out loud that he is bored with you?  I mean, has he never hear of these basic concepts that I just mentioned?

And no - I don't think the kind of "work" we are talking about here is that of getting you involved in ultra-kinky sex with your husband.  I mean, yeah, many say that there is nothing wrong with that if both parties are agreeable.  But your marriage needs work on a much deeper level than simply your sex life - whether or not you are agreeable to participating in his fantasies.  I really don't think cross-dressing and bondage and doing a rape scene (etc., etc.) will truly help your marriage.

Study up on these subjects, tell him, as one person said, that you would rather "get back to the basics" and then request that you both seek the advice of a trained counselor or psychologist.

IF YOU WANT STABILITY IN YOUR MARRIAGE, THIS WOULD BE THE SINGLE BEST INVESTMENT IN TIME AND MONEY THAT THE TWO OF YOU COULD MAKE!

I resisted seeing a psychologist for years despite depression and zero sense of self worth.  A few sessions with a friendly psychologist turned that attitude around Not, perhaps, 180-degrees around.  My self-criticism and lack of self-worth was instilled over many years by an emotionally abusive step-father.  But I was positively blown away at how helpful the psychologist was.  His study, after all, is how we human think about things and how best to resolve issues.

And, needless to say, a counselor or psychologist can help mediate between you and your husband as to what should be acceptable and what may need to be changed in your relationship.

One thing of importance to tell your partner is that psychologists and counselors are non-judgmental (trust me - they have seen and heard it all) and there is also patient-doctor confidentiality.  Nobody else will find out about what you and your husband and your counselor talk about behind closed doors!  That should help make the process more acceptable to your partner.

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Avatar_n_tn
Do not let your husband throw the ball in your court. Mine did that and later I found out he was gay, but needed a family to protect himself with. Meeting other married gay men is the way they do it these days. They like the mystery, the danger of getting caught. Mine was arrested. That is how I found out. I was stupid enough to listen to his excuses, his protests of love, all that garbage. Those types of men do not really love women, they only use them. Run for your life, take your children, make a new life and look for a straight man, one who really likes women, NOT men.
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484465_tn?1347117312
oh yeah it is gay!  oh my goodness.  this would be an utter nightmare for me.  i would leave that man so quickly, he'd forget my name
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Avatar_f_tn
Unfortunately or maybe fortunately, everyone is different.  I feel so much for you always lost, what an awful way to find out your partner is gay. You are right in saying that "They like the mystery, the danger of getting caught." However I disagree with "Those types of men do not really love women"  Love can take many guises, sex does not ness mean love.  My First husband was straight, and I spent 8 years with him being used as a punch bag and being raped on a regular basis.  The monster continued this pattern with every woman since.  How can you say this straight man loves woman.... It was only when he deliberately scolded my 13 month old baby that I found the strength to get away.

Lillith6, I hope u can sort this out quickly and get back to living a balanced life and enjoying your babies whilst they are still young.  Believe me they grow up far too fast and whatever you miss has gone forever.

There are worse things in life than being married to a gay man....

The only way you can live life is to use your own measuring stick.  If you can live with a situation and it does not destroy your soul, then that is fine for you, however if it is starting to destroy you then you have to get out.  One womans heaven is most definately another womans hell.



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603946_tn?1333945439
Is he willing to give up the behavior? Because I would not tolerate it. The other things is, they keep wanting to do more and more bizarre things and you have two babies to think of and care for. I am totally against divorce but I think you two should separate if he won't give it all up and see a good counselor. I don't play into     all this- it's ok if it doesn't hurt anybody.

It has hurt you- you may not be bruised or cut but you have been betrayed and abused in other ways. He is using your body, even though he is not really attracted. What does that make you feel like?
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603946_tn?1333945439
I also think whether it was conscious or not- he meant to be caught

figure out why
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