Is my husband with me still just because?

[lilmama39]

I am having serious issues with my husband of 3 years; we have been together for almost 5 years. We have three children: I had a 6 month old boy when we first met, We have an almost 3 year old boy and a one month old girl. I noticed a huge change in him about 2 years ago. We stopped going out. We stopped having fun. I feel like he stopped listening to me. I feel like he stopped showing care and concern for anything bothering me. It has been almost two years where I try to talk to him about these things and our conversations go NO WHERE. Here is a summary of my background before I knew him: I had a horrible childhood (moving every 2 years, father cheating on mom since almost the beginning of their marriage, always screaming and fighting with each other) So I was taught men are trash. I learned at the age of 16 how to use and abuse men. I was very promiscuous in high school eventually led to me learning how to get men to pay for my services. I had never been in a relationship before I met my now husband. It even started with sex the first day we met, I was just doing what I knew how to do. I fell hard for him I guess I learned true love does exist, I was always extremely skeptical about this. I did cheat on him when we were dating two times, he knew this when we got married. At the point where I noticed these changes in him (about 2 years ago) I started thinking a lot about my other options here. One night about a year ago now I went to a party and I got a drunk guy to pay for something I should not have done. My husband told me he wanted to work things out after this was known. I fully understand that to this day this still bothers him. I have learned to do sexual things specifically because my husband wanted to do them. Things I do not care for. He will not do sexual things for me. He has also told me alarming things like he was going to leave me after certain dates and then he tells me he will always be my friend. He also tells me he would keep his kids and I would stay at my mom's for awhile with my son. Every time I am bothered by anything whatsoever or even if my back is killing me, if I say that to him he yells at me and tells me to stop being negative. He says nothing to me lately, lifeless expression sitting with me, and then oh yay one of his relatives come over(we live in a duplex above his parents amd sister) and he is laughing it up downstairs, comes back up some time later and goes to sleep or come back up just bored out of his mind it seems. He doesn't let me go out or take me out just him and me. I need a break from my kids too! He works very hard all he does is come home and complain that he's tired and achy. He says I don't care about him because I don't give him a massage. Hey I am exhausted too I am a stay at home mom who never gets a break! He looks at any booty shaking video and porn almost every day when he comes home from work. It bothers me; I tell him this; he freaks out. And one time about 9 months ago specificaly he saw me looking at hot black football players, not naked even, I find very sexy, he flipped out. I have not even googled anything sexy since. I have sacrificed so much, I understand fully that children flip the script and as a good mom sacrifice is always inevitable, but I live in the ghetto with him, I never thought that would be an issue, but it has become one. I am from an upperclass white family so I have completely given that up. I think racial tension is horrible, I just feel like my husband puts his extended family (mom, dad, sisters, brothers, cousins) before me so we won't be moving anytime soon. Why doesn't he just leave me, I tried to tell him I will be okay, I want him to be happy too, if he needs to find someone else to get rid of this pain he has, do it. Should I hold on to this broken love or what? I think he is bored with me but doesn't want to say it or do anything about it. I really want to go back to school or get a job. I am trapped in my house.

[Mmmmeeeeeee]

Very likely he is suffering from something like depression or maybe you are if he says you are being negative all the time is it possible you are and you don't notice it? Go talk to a consoler and try to get him to go too. You might be dealing with something more differicult then a dickish husband. I detacted from my husband in kinda the same way have his depression got really bad and was consent for months. He did the stay at home and I worked because well I have a career and he did not. I would come home from work in a great mood and he would be all pouty and sad and talk about how his body aches (depression side effect) and my mood would just hit rock bottom and I would end up being depressed for the rest of the day.............. I am NOT saying this is your fault or his but it is a side effect of the situtation. I managed my emotional reaction to his depression for years but as it got worse and worse I got worn down and it became so differicult to manage because he was not managing himself (And to a large degree his depression was so server he could not.)

[specialmom]

You are describing a situation unlike what I was originally thinking.  This is much more extreme than just simple adjustments to young kids and a couple  going through growing pains.  It is very one sided in terms of how you are treated and how things are handled.  You are also controlled to an extreme degree.  This is not okay.  That is isolating.

Can you work?  Have you broached that subject with him?  If you do so, make it out to be in terms of wanting to do something to help the situation.  

During the day he is at work, are you able to meet anyone such as mother's of kids your kids age for a play date?

[lilmama39]

Ok so last night went horrible i tried to sit down and talk to my husband AGAIN. I have a question that I do not understand why this bothers my husband. He feels that when we are out shopping I am absolutely not allowed to leave his side. I cannot wander off as he puts it. I feel like I can't even stop and look at something that seems interesting to me whether it is a beauty product, a magazine, a new food item, etc. No I have to ask permission to go look at it. For god sakes, we are in the same store, how am I abandoning someone by stopping to look at something. Same thing with at home, if he takes the kids outside to play, I will not hear the endof it if I happen to not feel like going outside. Again he thinks I am abandoning him. Anyway, last night, I cried so hard I really hurt my jaw. I had just had a root canal and have been on vicodin for the pain but it still is excruciating. I am screaming on the floor to please don't make me cry anymore, because it hurt SO bad. He just stared at me or completely ignored me. I can't even hold any food with the vicodin so I am borderline dehydrated, starving, and ill. We ended (it will never end) the argument basically on the same note as always, It's my fault, I am not appreciating him, I am negligent (his words). And I don't listen to him. He has not listened to me in years it seems. By the way, I hate yelling, it is a serious phobia of mine from how I grew up, so I always take the calm route when I try to talk to him. That does not work. He yells and swears at me immediately. He terrifies me just by doing that. I tried top reach out to his sister again(I have another post about his not-right family dynamics), she tells me she will come and help, she never shows up. I hate saying this because it makes me cry, but I don't have anyone to turn to. I moved around my whole life, I have serious social issues so I literally do not have anyone to talk to. There is still a lot of fear talking to my mother, my brother is much too busy to help me, and my one or two friends I had in high school have completely different life choices than me where I don't talk to them anymore either. I have to pay someone to talk to me (a therapist) but I can't afford it anymore. So today, he's at work, he calls me on his breaks like nothing happened. He thinks he knows that I will just kiss his butt because this argument is all of my fault again. I don't think I'm crazy, other people try to make me feel like that, but I am not. I worked really hard to get my first son back years ago and now if my husband leaves me I will have nothing again. I'm sure my eldest son's father will try to get him again. My husband will keep the other kids. I have nothing. So far I am just doing what I always do which is put a smile on and pretend to be happy.

[specialmom]

Well, sadly I don't think you found the perfect match for you.  You know that.  You are different about finances, household structure, background, and depth of emotion.  Why did you marry the guy??  You need to think about what was first attractive to you about him and try to rekindle that.  If he is buying a 12 pack, will he share a couple with you?  If so, put the kids to bed, meet in the living room and turn on some music.  Sit and try to enjoy each other's company.  Like you used to.  That is considered a date in our house.  
Do you go to church?  Start going and take the kids if you don't.  Maybe he will come.  Then look for a fathers/husbands group in the church.  This can change how a man views how he treats his family.  If you are religious at all, this can really help a situation.  You aren't involved---  other men are mentoring him.  

Who cares if he talks and whines about wanting a motorcycle?  I know it is bugging you because you feel you can not afford anything, but it is okay for him to want things.  Why not ask him to put together a family budget so he and YOU can get the things you would like?  Put on there, dinner with him once a month at a moderate resturant.  

I will say that this post is different than your previous ones as you describe him as much more controlling here.  That you are purposely isolated from the world.  I think you need to approach the subject of getting a job---  think of who can watch your kids/childcare options but this will be an important step for the two of you.  More money but also more of you being on an equal footing.  

While I stay with my kids, my husband treats me like a partner and his equal.  Less than that is unacceptable.  

What does he say about you working?

[lilmama39]

Thanks for the advice! I suppose my silly dillemma with living in the ghetto with my husband is that he has a bad habit of wanting to buy elaborate things, saying he works so hard that he deserves it. So, therefore, I can see us never preparing to be able to afford anything else. And that goes back to us never even going out together. I literally can't go anywhere because he tells me it is a waste of gas to say the least. He wants a new gun for his collection, he wants a motorcycle, he wants a classic car and crazy rims, he can buy a 12 pack here and there when I cannot. Every time he sees a motorcycle it's whine and moan how much he wants one. I never get to treat myself or even express a desire for something new. He has gone out with his friend and I sure can't say anthing against it. Yet, all of these colliding frustrations, he can't ever afford to take me out or let me have a break from the kids. And as to your comment on keep dates lighthearted? We don't go on dates, and if I try to have a deep conversation with him he shuts down. Always. Let me know your thoughts!

[Hobby10]

Good point special mom.  We do sometimes act very friendly to strangers and then pissy to the ones that deserve our best.  Sad but true.

[specialmom]

Yes, that is a good point hobby.  

I think that it is important to keep in mind that many couples go through a period of distance when kids are young.  You work to try to remain close.  But you find that often one parent has a hard time relating to little children and the other parent is good at it but bogged down by it and then you have one parent that carries all the financial burden which is a LOT of worry these days and that can be emotionally draining, etc.  It's just a hard time with lots of adjusting.  

If you are able to, you can see if your relationship can weather this.  Try to connect on some level with him.  Fight any urges to go back to old patterns with men.  Try to keep a respectful, peaceful home.

i've been there where my husband was in a bad mood it seemed with me and then perked up when someone arrived to our home.  I was like . . . what the heck?  Why do I get the bad side?  but in truth, we ALL do that.  We all put on a happy face for those who matter less to us.  Not right maybe, but human.  

Anyway, hope it works out for you hon

[Hobby10]

In ths world it seems like you end up serving someone.  Whether its a relationship or a job ---- it seems we have to do what it takes to keep the job or keep the relationship etc.  if keeping your family together is important to u--- sometimes u gotta bite the bullet on some things.  It's sad but true.  Your feelings should matter to him however and raising kids is hard work.  I suggest u confide in a therapist or friend to help u thru ths.  It really comes down to what u can live with.  If u leave with the kids financially that's are hard road too.   Best wishes.

[shell921]

OMG why did you feel you needed to have 3 kids at age 24? all anyone has to do is watch a few dr phil shows to see what kinds of stress mothers of 3 kids are under. you are from an upper class white family? then why did you have 3 kids before age 24?

kids are a HUGE stress to bring into your lives! i hope all young women reading this think about having 3 kids before they do it. too late for you - you have to now deal with having kids. good luck! it's a hard job to be happy and age 24 and have 3 kids and a hubby like you have got. i would not want to be in your shoes for anything.

To become a mother is perhaps the biggest decision a woman will ever make in her life, and once it’s made, it’s not one that can EVER be reversed.

And yet so little thought goes into what a TASK being a parent is.
When you have a kid you take on a job that is 24/7 &  lasts 20 years at least--no pay and no days off. And YOUR needs will now come last.
yes you are trapped but you should have thought about it before bringing 3 innocent lives into this world. now your needs come last. suck it up - it's all about the kids now and not you anymore. figure out how to make this work out until your youngest kid reaches age 18. then you can perhaps start over.

[specialmom]

Oh goodness.  Well, a couple of things come to mind.  On one hand you speak of such a horrible childhood and upbringing but then turn around and say you are not used to the ghetto you are living in and how bad THAT is compared to how you grew up.  Please explain this further.

Listen, I'm a stay at home mom.  My husband works darn hard to support us and does the best he can.  While my job is hard and tiring, I do have empathy for not only the physical part of being the working spouse but the emotional part of carrying the burden of being the one responsible for finances.  that is a heavy load.  You will get farther by acknowledging this.  

Your kids are young at this point but if you are wanting to go to school or to work and you can afford daycare, you can approach this subject with your husband, I am sure. But I would do it in the way that shows you want to better your family situation than because you feel trapped.  Then he won't become defensive about it but rather see that you can parent your kids and be a working mom or student.  Figure out the logistics of doing this as in who would take care of kids, how you'd finance school if you were to go,etc.  You can also take online courses at an online university.  Get the info and present it to him.

You two do seem that you are disconnected.  Some of that may stem from your past of using your body for sex or whatever it was you got paid to do for the other man while married.  That is hard to get over.  but also, you mention that your upbringing was different than his and things like that, how compatible are you two?     You may need to work on common ground of being companions.

I'll tell you that when my kids were tiny (babies and toddlers), I was less close to my husband.  he worked a lot and I was bogged down with kid stuff.  I found that we got closer again by trying to be respectful of one another.  A date night IS a good idea.  Why don't you set it up?  Get a sitter for an evening and tell him you are going to go to (whereever it is that you would like to go) at this time for a date.  Wouldn't he like that?  you plan it and then maybe he'll reciprocate next time.  Also, plan some dates at home.  Put kids to bed and have a nice late dinner or drink by candlelight where you just hang out the two of you.

And last, is counseling something you two could try?  It can be really helpful.

One thing that helped with my husband is that when he got home from work, he got 30 minutes to relax.  I had been thrusting the kids in his arms and saying "here,  your turn" when he got home and he didn't get to unwind.  Well, giving him that 30 minutes made all the difference.  He'd go for a quick run, take a shower, read a bit of the paper and THEN he could relate to being a family man.  

Oh, one other thing, I keep dates light hearted.  No heavy talk.  

Okay, I was all over the place in this post.  Sorry.  But so many couples (including me) go through bouts of feeling distant from one another when kids are little . . .  the goal is to weather it and find a common ground with respect and empathy for each other's feelings and come back strong when there is more time and energy to focus on one another.  
Think what you'd like to do for school/work and present it to him.  He may be more open to it if you want to do it for the right reasons (rather than you've mentally checked out of the relatinship.)  good luck

[RainLover71]

He should spend more time with you & it seems like you have become a prisoner in your own home--not fair to you.He seems really selfish & even though he works which is great he doesn't seem to be pulling his weight at all at home.This relationship is so one sided,it's all about him & what he wants--what about you.I don't blame you for feeling trapped but things need to change because you are not living,you are surviving.