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Is pornography damaging to a marriage? Question for wives & husbands.

My husband and I have been married for 7 years now, and we have, what I believe to be, a pretty healthy and loving relationship. We have gone through our fair share of ups and downs of course, but overall, we are very much in love, and try hard to be attentive to each other's needs, and the needs of our marriage. We have 3 children (ages 10, 5, & 3), and all of the normal daily demands to keep us busy each and every day. Our biggest challenges throughout the years we've been together, have been the common ones; stress, money problems, kids, and at times, a lack of desire in the bedroom (always from me), but for the most part (other than the year or two periods of time after just having a new child), our sex life has remained pretty regular, consistent, and satisfying for both of us. I deal w/ the added hardship of having a few health conditions (fybromyalgia, chronic fatigue syndrome, and possibly MS), which has w/o a doubt, placed some strain on our relationship, but one thing I believe we are very good about, is talking about our problems whenever we feel they are interfering w/ how we get along w/ each other. Our top priority is making sure we are always aware of how our actions may be affecting one another, and keeping each other's feelings in mind at all times. Both of us agree that first and foremost, we are best friends, and want to always remain that way, because after all, if you can't be best friends w/ the person you've chosen to marry, have children w/, and spend the rest of your life w/, how can you expect to have an honest, loving, and trust based marriage? So now that I've painted a picture of how our relationship is structured, I'll get to the point of why I'm posting this question. As I mentioned earlier, there have been periods of time throughout our marriage where I have lost the desire to be sexually intimate as frequently as I normally do (btw, I am 27 and he is 29. We typically have sex around 3x per week, or every other day when my libido is functioning normally), and during those timeframes, I have never really taken any issue w/ my husband using other methods to satisfy his sexual needs, ie. pornographic magazines, videos, or Internet websites. Even during those stretches of time where sex sat on the back burner, and was more often than not, usually initiated by my husband rather than myself, I still tried hard to be concious of the fact that my husband still needed that intimate time to be sexual and close w/ me (and that I needed it as well, even if my body wasn't doing the best job of alerting me to it), so I continued to make the effort to engage in making love w/ him at least on a weekly basis if at all possible, because I know how important that activity is in a marriage. Anyway, over the past 6 months or so, and after discontinuing some of the medications I had been taking that I am now realizing were directing contributing to my decreased sexual desire, as well as the fact that my youngest child is now 3 years old, I am happy to say that I have fully returned to my normal, sexual self again! Like REALLY sexual self!! It has been a gradual thing, but I have steadily progressed from the once a week chore, to now initiating sex w/ my husband every other night, and every single night if he'll go for it! He loves it, and things have really spiced up in the bedroom for us! As I said, this has happened slowly overly the past 6 months, but I grew exceptionally more interested in having sex just over the past month or two, and at first, didn't really know how to go about approaching the act w/ him, so I don't think he realized quite how strong my urges were, and therefore wasn't aware that I was as "on board" w/ doing it regularly again as I actually was. SO... one night, the question of "are you still masturbating to porn online?" just popped out of my mouth, right after we had finished up a lovely little tumble together. He said "um yeah, occasionally. Why? It's not very often since we've been more active, but if it's been a couple of days, I do" (this was after our frequency had improved, but wasn't to the point that it is now), and I suddenly found myself feeling irritated, bitter, and even a little bit jealous about the idea of my husband getting turned on and sexually aroused to the point of orgasm, by a woman other than me, even if it was just through a computer screen! Not to say I ever really loved the idea to begin w/, but I knew that he had needs to fulfill, and if I wasn't in the mindset to assist him in achieving that, I should at least be reasonable about him using other methods to accomplish it, but now that I was giving him all of that and more, I didn't think that option needed to be utilized, nor should he want to! As I thought about it more over the following days, it occured to me that the women in those videos are being treated so disrespectfully all for the film company's financial gain, and there are so many stories that prove that all these graphic videos that are making their way into the homes of married couples around the country, are very often damaging relationships to the point where they many times cannot be repaired because once a man begins satisfying himself by watching unrealistic sexual performances that he can't reenact in his own life at home, it becomes much more difficult for him to acheive that same level of pleasure w/ his wife, and sometimes even leads to addiction of those videos. I have heard it again and again, but never really thought too much about it in my own marriage because "my husband isn't like that", but niether were so many of those other husbands out there who ended up hooked on porn, or cheated on their wives. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic, but it has been bothering me, and I don't know if I'm being irrational, or if this is something that most women are concerned about. I want to be respectful of my husband's natural needs and urges, but everyone has natural needs and urges and that sure doesn't mean they should act on them all. If I am giving my husband all the sexual attention he could possibly ask for, do I have the right to expect him to ditch the porno videos? He's really not someone who needs a lot of sexual stimulation. He hasn't even done it since we've been having sex a lot, but I just feel like it should be something that's off limits as long as we are having a good sex life together. Let me also differenciate between when I say porno videos, and any other kinds of sexual materials. I don't have a problem w/ magazines, pictures, or even "erotica" type videos. It's just the hardcore porn stuff that I am not comfortable w/ him watching. Sorry for the lengthy novel I've written here. didn mean to ramble on for so long, but I'd love to get some insight from people on this. Not only from other married women, but from men as well would be great! Thanks!
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Avatar universal
I think porn can be a problem for a marriage especially if it gets excessive by the husband/BF and takes away from the relationship. I used to be somewhat into it years ago but haven't been for several years. My wife and I have a much better relationship without it in our lives and are more into each other.
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Avatar universal
It sounds like you have the best relationship ever lol!! I'm so glad this worked out, and I figured he was just defensive. I'm glad you reached a compromise AND that he likes boring porn lol! :) But I know what you mean, I don't know if I could ever watch porn with my boyfriend in a sexual situation, I prefer improvising too ;)

Have a great day!
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Avatar universal
Thank you all so much for your helpful advice and objective perspectives! This has been really great to get some ideas so I could be more prepared when I talked to my husband about this. As I said before, when I spoke to him the first time, I got a somewhat snappy reply out of him, but since then, I had another opportunity to bring it up (after a fantastic sexual episode in the bed together! Lol) and this time, he was much more receptive! He said that he was being defensive before only because he thought I was accusing him of being a porn addict when he was not, and that he honestly does not use porn more than once every two weeks at most and ONLY when I have been lacking sexual desire to the point of denying him for that long. He has no need for it, and doesn't want to use it because he much prefers being w/ me over sitting by himself w/ a porno. He committed to not using it at all as long as we were having sex on a regular basis (even if that means just twice a week or so, although it's been more like 5x a week lately!) and he promised to talk to me if things got slow and he needed to satisfy himself another way, so that we could come to some kind of compromise on what we are both comfortable w/ in the marriage. It made me feel a whole lot better! Oh and btw Pirespike77, no, as far as I know from what he's shared w/ me, he is NOT at all into the violent videos. As unpleasant as it was for me to hear, he told me he just watches the typical version of the same old stuff (sometimes there's a 3some, sometimes not. Sometimes there's a storyline, sometimes not. Although I do prefer the storyline ones because at least it's more realistic & shows he cares about the woman more) but starts off w/ oral from one parter, then the other, then goes on to a few different positions, then it's over. He said he goes more for the short, sweet, and to the point kind because he truly is just trying to get his release and move on and nothing more. Blah... I have tried watching porn w/ him once or twice and it just made me really uncomfortable. I even tried an erotica type video where there was more "love & commitment" involved, but same thing happened. I wouldn't call myself a prude, because I really do like to try new and exciting things in the bedroom, but something about watching other people have sex w/ my husband sitting right there, makes me blush! I even feel akward watching sex scenes on tv. The funny thing is, I am the adventurous one when it comes to sex in our relationship! I prefer to come up w/ the sexy and unexpected new surprises in the bedroom, that way he doesn't know they're coming, rather than seeinh everything presented right in front of us, and every time something new is initiated by one of us, having the other think that we just copied it from the porno we saw. I have this theory that my husband really actually is shy (well I know he is because he's told me that), but still wants to experience new things and is too scared to be the one to try them first. That's why he likes to watch porn occasionally. It gives him the excitement of doing something new, without the worry of embarrassment. I am working on that one w/ him though. I've been trying all sorts of new stuff w/ him and he is loving every bit of it! He's coming out of his shell little by little each time as well, which I think is great and makes us feel that much closer! Ok, so I've gone on long enough about my sex life at this point! I'm sure you all aren't super interested in hearing all this stuff! Lol ; ) Thanks again for all of your kind advice!
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Avatar universal
I hope this all worked out for you. It sounds like your husband does it for ease, not because he likes the women or is more attracted to them. I personally use porn sometimes too (not just guys y'know!) to get off because it's easier and faster than not using anything. Do I think it's cheating? No. Am I less interested in my boyfriend? Not at all! We've done lots of things he or I have seen in porn and really enjoyed doing it!

But you're right, if he's watching violent stuff (like rape/bondage videos) THAT is a different issue and could be a psychological thing. If he's watching stuff like that you should definitely talk to him about it.
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Avatar universal
Not every man watches porn, that is a horrible excuse and completely untrue. Personally, I don't like porn at all and I found a man who feels the same way. My boyfriend doesn't watch porn. He did when he was younger, but no longer looks at it at all. A man doesn't need porn to satisfy himself.

I'd talk to your husband about the subject again. Try to use "I" statements as to not make him defensive and get a good line of communication going.
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Your husband's response is not great, I agree.  I think in a relationship that has communication as one of its strong points, that was a bit unfair of him to just shut down the conversation and make you feel guilty or silly for bringing the topic up.  I personally wouldn't let him do that.  Porn is a problem in a relationship when one partner has an issue with it.  Period.  

I think had he responded with "what bothers you about it?" and tried to hear you or even give you acknowledgement that you are entitled to your feelings it would have helped.  Don't fall for the hog wash that all men watch it.  That really isn't true.  Plugging into the internet and pulling up porn is not something that all men do.  It simply isn't.  Have they done it at one time or another, yeah.  Most men have looked at it.  But not all men do it on a regular basis and it is just fluff for him to say that this is true.  

Now you two seem to have a really awesome relationship and no issues currently with your sex life.  Yeah and double yeah.  And I don't want you to make this a big issue between the two of you.  But I think you can tell him that you have thought that your relationship was really rock solid and that you two could communicated pretty well but he threw up a wall regarding porn and you'd like to know why.  I mean, really all you want is a little reassurance right?  You don't feel he is cheating.  You know he is attracted to you.  You just want him to say that porn is not important, he likes sex with you better than any chickie in the video, etc.  

So, just try to talk to him again but softly so it doesn't turn into a big issue.  good luck  
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1066198 tn?1333309028
OMG! I think I could have written most of this, myself...  with the exception that porn has NEVER been ok with me in any form... My DH & I have gone many rounds on this very thing... and even still are... It's very frustrating, hurtful, infuriating at times, and also a very big blow to the self esteem ( mine)... It's something we are working on-- slowly, but still it's an issue that i wish wasn't... Yes-- I agree, it can be addicting, it can be very detrimental to a marriage- especially if one spouse sees no wrong in it-- and the other sees it as a threat or as I do--- cheating. . . . .
Other difference here, with me & my DH-- i have never had a low level of desire-- my libido has always been high- to very high.... HE on the other hand ( sometimes lilterally) has been , more so in the past, the one with a lower drive-- or at least a lower level of desire for me, I think partly due to the porn/masturbation issue just being something that  he was used to doing ( before me), it was/is a "quick, cheap thrill" as he put it once, and he was even turning down my advances-- very frequently-- but still participated in self stimulation with the pornography...

Well... guess rambled on enough.... pick what you can/need from my reply ( sorry- it's been a long day)..... Hope something helps.....
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Avatar universal
Oh thank you so much for your insight! I was really hoping I might get a man's perspective on this! That was exactly what I needed! Your feedback is really helpful, and if you hear any other good male points of view on this topic, please do share them w/ me! I'd love to hear all the thoughts that people can give!
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Avatar universal
Lol, that last little tid bit is very funny! And NOT surprising in the least! I think you are totally right, and I plan to take your advice. I also think I'm going to try not to get too worked up over it. I wouldn't want to make a big deal about it and end up creating a big problem that wasn't even there in the first place. As long as our sex life is going well, I don't think he'll even care to use the porn to satisfy his needs. If I go through another spell of decreased sex drive though, I suppose I may have to bring this topic up again at that point. Like I said before, it's really not as much about him looking at another woman to "get off" (although that's not a particularly pleasant feeling either) as it is about him watching violence and degredation against women, and even more worrisome, the idea that the unrealistic sexual activitie they are engaging in on those videos may end up being more than I could possibly live up to (or as was said earlier, more than HE would even WANT me to be doing w/ him) and cause him to feel the need to look for it elsewhere outside the marriage. I've heard many stories of me going out and having sex w/ prostitutes or women who are no where near the status or beauty of their wives, but they will cheat w/ these women because they have an extreme desire to do dirty and kinky things that they could not bare to do w/ their own wives or witness their wives doing. That scares me!! I am getting way ahead of myself though. I need to relax and not worry about stuff that isn't even happening, or I may just drive him to make it happen one day! I will deal w/ things as they come and enjoy the way things are now. If I feel that something may be moving that direction, I will nip it in the bud immediately, but until then, I should probably just appreciate the fact that I have a loyal husband who loves me deeply, and enjoys being intimate as often as possible! Lol ; )
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1068689 tn?1325827206
Wow I wished I could say we had an every other day or every day sex life. It's more like once a week or once every two.

To best answer your questions and provide form a male perspective. Let me say that I've been married for 23 years and for quite a few years I was inattentive due to work and home life situations. I worked 12/14 hour days and come home for another 5 hours of schoolwork. So for a long time we didn't have time to be close. During this same time frame I ended up having quite a few health issues too because I couldn't exercise either. Ended up with such a low libido it wasn't funny. I couldn't make it into work some days I was so worn out. Long story short, race to today and I'm getting better. On testosterone therapy and libido has shot way up.

So now the shoe is on the other foot. I am all the time trying to be intimate with my wife and she doesn't want to have anything to do with it. When I bring up the subject she disses it or changes the subject.

But as to porn. I'm not going to say I've never looked at it because I have. I can truthfully say I have not used porn for my sexual desires all the time when I was with low libido for obvious reasons, and I have not used it now that I'm horny all the time.
I can though see how enticing and easy it would be to start using. Out of respect for my wife and our relationship I do not think it is the right thing for me to do. I mean I wouldn't like it if she was doing that. If we both agreed on it then I might think on it but we've never had that conversation.

From other men that I know I can say there is various levels of those men that do and do not use porn. Some are to the far left and right of this and many in between. All of those men I know not one of them, has ever mentioned wishing they could actually do that with another woman. It's more of a fantasy thing or sometimes wishing they could get their wife to do that with them. I've pinged a couple of them just today about this issue and the consensus of my friends is that porn is not that important but is certainly something they would entertain.

So is this a problem? Inherently I would say no. But it really depends upon your and your husbands relationship. He may be at this point kind of hooked on it. Looking at porn can be very addictive because it is at your fingertips at your whim. You don't have to coax a partner, there's no talk involved, physical issues don't get in the way, etc. But because of that I think once you start doing it, it could be hard to quit. It becomes more of a habit.

You might continue to talk with your husband about this and see if it is a habit. Asking him to quit and explaining why it does bother you and ask him if it were on the other show what he would think about it. Being married or in a relationship means there is give and take. You all know that though. Sometimes with life though it is harder to put to use than to just say that.

Another approach may be for you to tell him you want to watch the next time. You two might find a new way to enjoy sex together. There is always a positive way at looking at something if you want to.
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Avatar universal
It sounds like he just got a bit defensive and maybe thought you were accusing him of something. It still doesn't seem like he's addicted to it in any way, but it does sound like something he likes that he doesn't want to stop. In my opinion, I don't feel like occasion viewing of porn is detrimental to a relationship. As I said before, if he's choosing to go to the porn instead of you then it's a problem. If you really feel that he's watching too much, or feel jealousy over it you should talk to him. If he's not willing to stop then it's a problem. There is absolutely NO reason for him to keep doing it - it's not something he needs. I quit smoking for my boyfriend because he didn't like the way I smelled and it bothered his asthma - what would it be like if I had said no, I like smoking too much? It was not something that I needed and it was something that bothered him.

In this case I think you just need to reach a compromise. If the overall viewing doesn't bother you, just tell him what DOES bother you, it seems like he would understand. Also? I WOULD ask your girlfriends about their partner's porn habits - I think he may be surprised by their answers :)

Good luck Lola_mama!

Fun fact: A medical university once tried to do a study on men that had never watched or used porn, but had to discontinue the study. Why? Because they couldn't find any men that had never watched porn!
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Avatar universal
From his response to your discussion about it all, I agree, it sounds like he is more attached than he realizes even. I do not see how dabbling in something like this could not be addictive tho, and as for me myself and I, yeah I would have problems with it. Exactly what does marriage hold as exclusive for two people these days? and no, not every guy does it either, that is crap. Sorry.

On that note tho, I do agree it sounds like you have a good and solid marriage, but it also sounds like it could be come a problem down the road and into the future if not careful. Good luck.
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Avatar universal
Thank you both for all of your kind words! I really appreciate it! I did forget to mention that I did say something to my husband about this. I may not have said it in quite the best way though, and he got a bit defensive. He said that he doesn't use it when we're havin sex more often, but that if "he said he'd stop, he'd be lying". Honestly, this answer was sufficient for me in a way. It was the things he said next that ticked me off! He said, "it's perfectly normal and every man does it. Why do you have to be so controlling about things? If you ask your girlfriends, I'm sure all of them would tell you their men watch porn occasionally and they don't freak out at him for it!". What the heck? Sheesh, jump down my throat why don't ya! Sounds to me like the porn is more precious to him than he's letting on!
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, honestly, it sounds like you have a really great relationship.  That is fantastic!  You communicate well, put your spouse first, and try to stay connected through good and bad times.  This is all great news.

To answer your basic question, I'd say that sometimes porn in destructive in a relationship and sometimes it is not (how's that for wishy washy).  By this, I mean that an occasional viewing or something that you use with your partner once in a while is not detrimental to a relationship, in my opinion.  It is when it becomes "needed" and replaces doing other things (be it sex with your partner, playing with your kids, mowing the grass. . . no joke.  Things can get that bad where someone neglects the other things in their life.) that it is a big problem.  I also say that when a couple starts to argue about it and the "user" can not stop.  That is an issue because most things that are just for fun-------  we would try to curtail if they upset our partner.  

So, you do not describe a man that uses it excessively and you two seem quite close.  I do think it is natural to wonder about what he is watching, what he really thinks (are those woman gorgous?  does it rev him up to do that with another woman in real life?  Am I suppose to be standing on my head and spinning too?).  As you describe a relationship in which you have terrific communication, can you speak to him about your feelings?  I think this is your best bet to feeling better and having reassurance.  And his usage of it may be less as you say due to the increase of your sex drive.

Now, I've never been with a man that had a great love for porn.  Not on purpose, but they've just never been into it.  If I thought it replaced me in anyway or it was "tempting" him to step outside of the marriage or influencing him to be less interested in me and what I offer . .. I'd get rid of it.  Absolutely I would.  It doesn't quite sound like that in your marriage from this description.  So just talk to him about it and how you feel.  good luck
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Avatar universal
Let me start by saying, you are totally normal for how you feel, I get jealous when my boyfriend watches porn too :)

Now, it sounds like he decreases the porn viewing the more you have sex...that's very good! But you don't have a problem with him looking at naked women, just hardcore porn? Is it that you're upset that he would rather watch other women do this than do it with you? A funny thing about men sometimes is this: they respect their wives. I have heard from a LOT of men that they'll watch some pretty racy stuff happen in porn that turns them on, but NEVER do something like that with their girlfriends and wives because they respect them too much.

Honestly though, your husband just sounds like a pretty regular male who likes to orgasm a lot. It sounds like when he's getting it every night that he doesn't masturbate at all, but some men (like my boyfriend) need to *** once or more a day. There have been times where my boyfriend and I fool around, but he still goes home and masturbates! All men are different, but you need to understand that he is not watching these videos for the women, just for the imagery. Most of the time my boyfriend doesn't use porn because he has very good mental imagery, but a lot of men don't so they need the magazine or the video. Also, I'm curious, have you ever seen the porn he watches or the women he chooses to watch? Is it random, or do you notice a lot of them looking like you? It could just be that sometimes he needs to get off, and has to settle for second best.

I really wouldn't worry. The stories you hear about men becoming porn addicts are rare. These men masturbate 6-10 times a day and don't have sex with their wives or girlfriends anymore. I totally understand where your jealousy is coming from, and as a women I feel you when you talk about the disrespect of the women in some of these videos (trust me, it gets worse than what you've seen too!), but it sounds like your husband is a very average male. However, if it bothers you - talk to him! Tell him you don't like the hardcore videos, and maybe you can make a compromise. Or tell him that when he feels like masturbating, have him come to you :) Both of you sound very happy, and have a healthy, good relationship. I hope my boyfriend and I are as well adjusted as you two are after 3 kids and so many hardships!

I wish you the best of luck, but I can promise you that his porn viewing is not something to worry about, and is no where near the point that tears apart marriages. Good luck, I hope this helped in some way!
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